Whitefox123 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Right now I am very torn, I still have feelings for my ex and I know he does for me as well. There were a lot of little things that we let grow into larger issues thus causing us to break up. It was never anything too serious though, we never cheated on one another or anything like that. The thing is, I know we both have issues to work out within ourselves (we've actually been back and fourth for about a year now and I know that we have both made some steps in the right direction.) the thing is I want to work things out with him, but I am scared that it is going to just lead to the same place we've been. On top of that, I know my friends/family would not be happy with us being together because of the events of this last year and as a result of that and everything else part of me wants to just be done with this. (We have actually been NC for 4 weeks now which is something we've never done in the past--its driving me nuts! Especially since the last time we talked he was begging me for another chance) So my question is: how do you know when it's right to try it again? Is it ever really possible to fix the issues that tore you apart in the first place?
CaliGuy Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Possibly. The answer to second chances can usually be summarized this way: Do you love and respect yourself? If the answer is... Yes: No second chance given. No: Second, third, fourth chances (etc) given. My point is simply this: "Why give the wrong person a second chance when the right person hasn't been given a FIRST?!" Things will never be the same, you'll never trust them completely anymore (after all if they left once, they can (and usually will) leave again. Do whatever you feel works for you.
rainbowsandkittens Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 i think that's a pretty cynical way to think- you never know what went wrong to cause it to end in the first place. trust your heart. if you feel like giving someone a second chance do- but know, as caliguy said, that the things that went wrong the first time might not be resolved or there may be new things that are wrong and it may not end up working out the second time either.
hopefullove Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 !!!! haha we are in the same position! i totally feel for you!!!! my ex and i broke up... february 2008, tried it again in june 2008... and it didnt work out so i moved away in september 2008. we started talking again last year and finally met up last month... september 2009 and had a wonderful time together, and now... 3 and a half weeks of NC... and it drives me crazy. and like you, it was never about cheating or anything, it was little things the escalated. and i am also really torn... i feel the same way, every other day... i think... why am i still doing this... sometimes i think he cares, and other times i just want all of this to be over... and i want to be with someone who can show me he wants me in his life.... and people will say stuff about, oh you have no self esteem. which really isnt fair. if you love him, you dont want to give up on him... maybe its because of how relationships are romanticized in movies... undying love and such. im not sure... i think if you are both able to work out the issues together... cause if its just one person workign it our, or supressing it so it doesnt provoke the other person... then i can see problems arising in the future... im just, not that kinda woman who can do that... but some women can, like they can take it and bury it inside them.... i think its like a really traditional 50's kinda housewife take on it... but i dont know... you know your man the best, what are his issues anyway? maybe you can try meeting other people, dating new people, that can distract you, enough sometimes to forget and realize that you can have a good time with someone else. good luck... im trying really hard too....
Author Whitefox123 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 thank you all for your thoughts, I appreciate it. For the record; I have gone out with other men and there is something about it that just isn't the same to me. I still find myself thinking of the ex at the end of the night no matter how much fun was had, while out. Now that we've been NC I have wanted to talk to him soo bad, but I haven't given in....however the longer we're apart the more I want to talk to him and try to work things out (Slowly!) I have never felt so lost.
Dream Brother Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 I don't see why you wouldn't try again - what happened that was so bad?
Author Whitefox123 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 lack of communication mainly, combined with insecurity on both parts. Probably a bit of immaturity in there too. Then for this last year we have just mind F**ked each other, both said and did a lot of things to hurt the other....which is mainly the reason why people dont want to see us together.
Tayla Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 ....And such folks are what are constituted as folks on the outside looking in. Heed their perspective. Ya cant see the forest thru the trees, Unless you are a giraffe. Basically unless you are sticking your neck out can you accomplish both. Maybe giving someone a second chance is really about giving them the second chance to move on...to experience other relationships and grow in ways they couldnt within the past relationship. It takes years to undo the mind games and behaviors listed, humans have a tendency to regress and progress. Its my opinion that based on the small data given the relationship isnt going to change with NC , time is not the healer, change in behavior and mental attitude adjustment is. For the question in general their are certain critereas that determine if its worthy of salvaging.
Weezy Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 If you really feel that way I would give him a call.. You hold the cards.
Author Whitefox123 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 Thank you both for your input.... I've been trying to actually keep a journal about this situation and I find that it's helping my emotions as well as helping me make a decision...
quarterlifecrisis Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 If you want to give him another chance, I say go for it but take it slowly. Start by letting him talk/hang out with you, but hold back on affection and sex. You guys need to prove to each other that you are not just falling back on easy comfort. The relationship needs to feel like a brand new start, with brand new chemistry, not just a continuation of the broken past.
Author Whitefox123 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 I couldn't agree more.... That's what I'd love to do IF we do get that chance again.
bluewolf17 Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Hi Op. I got back with my ex after 7.5 months apart, so it does happen, despite the threads on this board:cool: (but you will find wonderful advice here). Anyhow, It's a couple by couple decision. It depends on what happend in the R that caused the break up. Is it fixable? Do both parties want to make it work and TRY to make it work? Some things are harder to bounce back from, like cheating or lying. But other things can be worked on, if both parties want it to be fixed. That's the key. One person does not a relationship make. Both have to really want it.
CaliGuy Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 i think that's a pretty cynical way to think- you never know what went wrong to cause it to end in the first place. trust your heart. if you feel like giving someone a second chance do- but know, as caliguy said, that the things that went wrong the first time might not be resolved or there may be new things that are wrong and it may not end up working out the second time either. Cynical to some, reality for most Bluewolf has a good point: One person does not a relationship make. If only one person wants things to work out then of course there is no relationship at all. Both have to want it to work and BOTH have to work out the issues that caused the breakup.
seoa Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 I always go with the "definition of insanity is repeating the same actions, expecting a different outcome"... What's going to be distinctly different this time round...?
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