saffron7 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I'd really appreciate some advice from people who have more experience with relationships than I do. I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now. I'm 28, and this is my first relationship. We have a pretty good, stable relationship. We have the same sense of humor and the same tastes and interests, the same mutual friends. But for a while, I've started to feel increasingly bored in the relationship. We don't have a lot to talk about anymore. Every few months I start to question whether I should leave him, or just stay and try to work on making the relationship more fulfilling/exciting. This recurring doubt has been cropping up for the last 1.5 years. My feelings tend to go up and down--through good, in-love periods and through drier, out-of-love periods. I don't have much experience with relationships, so I guess I'm wondering if this momentum is natural for all relationships, and if this will happen in any other relationship I try to pursue. On the one hand, I fear that I'll regret exiting a perfectly fine relationship just because I felt some dissatisfaction now and then. And on the other hand, I also fear I'm missing out on a potentially more fulfilling and generally more passionate relationship with someone else, and that I'm just staying with my current partner out of inertia/fear of change. Can anybody lend some advice on my situation? Should I stay and keep working on the relationship, or should I leave?
MrFun Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I say you should probably leave. You keep wondering what else is out there, so I'd say that's a good reason to go out and find out. I suppose your bf probably senses you're not really into him anymore as well. Or maybe he's just used to the situation by now? You don't sound very happy to be with him, so maybe you should go out and get more experiences under your belt. Any reason why, at 28, this is your first relationship?
Author saffron7 Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 Hi, thanks so much for your response! I got into this relationship when I was 24, so I guess it has been closer to 4 years. I was just a late bloomer, and I'm a nerd. I've always had issues with social anxiety and meeting people.
allina Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Have you tried to do anything to fix things? Maybe start a new activity together? Something new so you guys have interesting things to talk about? I have been with my fiance for over three years and I don't feel bored or anything like that, I don't think it's normal to feel dissatisfaction after only 3 years.
carhill Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Social anxiety and bored with BF and nothing to talk about. Hmm.... I had similar issues when younger and really worked on the social anxiety part when married and the work made me a lot happier and satisfied with myself and hence more attractive . Thoughts? Are you afraid of being alone?
Author saffron7 Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 Hmm, interesting. Thank you for your perspective! I'm always curious about how other people feel about their long-term relationships. Yeah, we try to take up new hobbies together, like hiking or playing music together. We keep it up for a while, and then we get lazy again. :/
Author saffron7 Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 Carhill, Yes, I'm afraid of being alone. Or rather, I'm afraid I won't find another good relationship for a long time, and I'll be chronically single into my thirties.
carhill Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 The combination of social anxiety and fear of being alone can be debilitating and it will affect your partner. Have you considered counseling to work on yourself prior to making a decision about how you feel about the relationship? IOW, coming at this decision from a position of strength. You might find, antithetically, that your strength may result in renewed interest in your partner and the relationship. Never know until you try
robinincarolina Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 There are much worse things that could happen to you than being single in your 30s. If this is your first relationship, you don't have much to compare it to. How does he feel? Could he feel the same way. Maybe take a break and see how you feel. It might do you both good. If you miss him, great, if you don't move on. I would agree to at least 30 days. You might be surprised what you learn about yourself in that time.
allina Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Do you guys ever go out with friends on your own? Maybe you could try to hang out with some of your own friends? I know it may be tough with social anxiety but it might help. Do you guys have separate lives as individuals?
bayouboi Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Grass might be greener somewhere else, but realize that if you ever eventually want to settle down for good, relationships take hard work to keep the grass healthy.
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