Two years later... still struggling to forgive

[mybrowneyedgirl]

I think you are an amazing woman for trying to protect your children. You are stronger than most women out there.

 

I really dont want to be a downer because you came here for support, but I read something the other day and it may apply to your situation.

 

A woman talked about her obsessing after her husbands affair. She later found out it was because there were still things he either lied about or omitted. She knew it all along but attempted to trust him again, the man who lied in the first place.

 

I'm the terrible OW. I know what I've done and realize I need to figure life out. But in my situation as complicated as it is, my AP did not tell his wife the truth about our affair. Only the parts she could prove. He has a powerful story that he justifies by saying he wants to protect her from unnecessary details. She too cant seem to make it all fit in her head and rightfully so.

 

Please just keep an open mind to maybe you are not the problem. Maybe theres a reason you cant seem to move on.

 

i'm sorry for your pain. you seem very strong woman and a wonderful mother.

[Katerina]

Surprisingly, now I do believe that's he's done lying. What is hard to believe is his supposed love for me. I can't fit it into my brain how, if he loved me so much, he could watch me suffer after I found out about the affair and still stay in touch with her. He says he was so screwed up, he didn't know how to find his way back. As I've said before, I felt that the second time was even worst that the first. Also, if he love me, once he saw how his affair started affecting OUR relationship (I'm talking about during the affair), why couldn't he just drop it? Did he not think of me at all? Of what it would do to me if I found out? I suspected, and asked him many times whether he was having an affair and he denied each time. Also, I even told him in his face that I trusted him and that I would never forgive him if he was having an affair - but did it stop him? No. And btw, I was pregnant with our 3d baby when he started seeing her. Then I lost the baby when I was 5.5 months pregnant (23 weeks)... I really needed him for support. Instead, he kept on f**king her and staying away from me as far as possible. How can I believe that I ever meant more to him than she did?

[Katerina]

Are you planning to leave your husband when the kids flee the nest or do you think you marriage is salvageable?

Some days I count the years until the kids go to college or whatever. Other days I have hope that H and I can make it and have a good marriage. I go back and forth a lot.

[giotto]

that's normal... and that's why I believe you need to seek individual counselling and try and sort out yourself before you can contemplate any resolution...

[silktricks]

Surprisingly, now I do believe that's he's done lying. What is hard to believe is his supposed love for me. I can't fit it into my brain how, if he loved me so much, he could watch me suffer after I found out about the affair and still stay in touch with her. He says he was so screwed up, he didn't know how to find his way back. As I've said before, I felt that the second time was even worst that the first. Also, if he love me, once he saw how his affair started affecting OUR relationship (I'm talking about during the affair), why couldn't he just drop it? Did he not think of me at all? Of what it would do to me if I found out? I suspected, and asked him many times whether he was having an affair and he denied each time. Also, I even told him in his face that I trusted him and that I would never forgive him if he was having an affair - but did it stop him? No. And btw, I was pregnant with our 3d baby when he started seeing her. Then I lost the baby when I was 5.5 months pregnant (23 weeks)... I really needed him for support. Instead, he kept on f**king her and staying away from me as far as possible. How can I believe that I ever meant more to him than she did?

During the affair, you did not mean more to him than she did. You didn't mean more to him than what he wanted right then. Can you face that? Can you say to yourself, that what happened is in the past, it cannot be undone. I cannot be changed. The only things that can be altered are what is now and what is in the future. The past is over.

 

For whatever reason, your husband at that period of his life needed whatever it was that she provided. Has he talked to you of that? Do you know what it was? It may not have been her as a person... it may have been the lack of responsibility, the feeling of being free, the desire to feel special to someone... I'm only shooting out some possibilities... None of those may have been what it was for him.

 

The reason that he kept in contact with her though, could have had not much to do with her. I know that doesn't exactly help you feel better - it certainly didn't help me feel better, at least not at the time. I also know that 2 years feels like forever. I can tell you that it took me almost 4 to really get past all the stuff that had happened with us.

 

This is why you guys need marriage counseling to work through what you need to work through.

[2sure]

Surprisingly, now I do believe that's he's done lying. What is hard to believe is his supposed love for me. I can't fit it into my brain how, if he loved me so much, he could watch me suffer after I found out about the affair and still stay in touch with her. He says he was so screwed up, he didn't know how to find his way back. As I've said before, I felt that the second time was even worst that the first. Also, if he love me, once he saw how his affair started affecting OUR relationship (I'm talking about during the affair), why couldn't he just drop it? Did he not think of me at all? Of what it would do to me if I found out? I suspected, and asked him many times whether he was having an affair and he denied each time. Also, I even told him in his face that I trusted him and that I would never forgive him if he was having an affair - but did it stop him? No. And btw, I was pregnant with our 3d baby when he started seeing her. Then I lost the baby when I was 5.5 months pregnant (23 weeks)... I really needed him for support. Instead, he kept on f**king her and staying away from me as far as possible. How can I believe that I ever meant more to him than she did?

 

You are never going to be able reconcile yourself with what he has done, never going to be able to understand the why. Because what he did is reprehensible. For me, it has been not so much what my H did - the actions themselves, but that he was Capable of it. Of the lies, of the harm. A person capable of those things simply is not someone you trust. Period. Anyway, thats where I am at.

 

Currently we are in MC...he wanted to go in hopes of a miracle recovery and I agreed because the same MC also helps creating an atmosphere for amicable divorce. So far, I have to say it has helped me quite a bit as far as coming to terms with MY feelings and also in making me feel less hostile toward my H. I am hoping to take the things I learn forward in my life and also hoping maybe he learns something about himself too...its a shame.

[eeyore1981]

Katrina, we have some things in common, and in some ways I am way ahead of you.

 

It's been 2 years and 1 month for me. H just recently 'told me the truth' about a month ago, but it is very difficult for me to believe after all this time. The last 2 years have been filled with nothing but BULLSH*T from him regarding his affair. I won't bore you with the details.

 

We've been married almost 25 years. This is the first affair I am aware of, but who knows. There were all kinds of other things over this marriage I wanted to leave him over, and we did split up a few times in the past, but always got back together right before someone actually moved out.

 

My #1 reason for putting up with all I have put up with was for my kids. I've had a lot of times I wish I had left way back then, but I can't deny the reasons I stayed are still valid. H was a good father, and our kids adored him. He is also an alcoholic, and back then, had I left him, he would have started drinking again, because he quit for all the wrong reasons. I would not have been able to trust him with the kids, it would have gotten ugly, etc. etc. Even in hindsight, I know I made the right decision, because my kids would have been worse off losing their father.

 

Present day, my kids are grown up. My youngest still lives at home, but he is 18. I'm still here. I'm not all that happy. I'm still working out why I am still here. I tried to leave, and it was a total disaster. We have barely started MC again, but H had to go out of town for about a month, so it is on hold until he gets back. I don't know what is going to happen, but I feel myself pulling away a little more every day.

 

I can't tell you to stay or go, just like no one can tell me. Right now I feel like I am constantly in an internal struggle over this. I have a lot of anger I don't know what to do with, self-esteem issues, abandonment issues, etc. I've thought a lot about cheating on him, not so much a revenge affair, but because of the way I am, if I were to do it to him, I would no longer be obsessed about what he did in his affair. Plus, it would be nice to have someone care about me, even if it were just pretend.

 

Sorry the post is so long. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. I will make an iron-clad decision to do something, then 10 minutes later change my mind. I hate feeling like this.

[Katerina]

silktricks,

Thanks for all your words. I find what you write especially helpful.

The reason for his affair was entirely selfish. He was having an identity crisis... a (very!) delayed teenage crisis. He was testing himself - what he can and cannot do/what he's capable and not capable of doing, etc. It's a long story. I can accept that. It still hurts that he didn't consider me when his "experiment" started, but it just goes to show how selfish he was. He says that he ruined not only my life, but also his own in the process (his conscience, his standing before God, etc.)... He knows he screwed up big time and got into that sh*t way deeper than he ever thought was possible, but once he got into it, he couldn't find his way out w/o help (us moving away). Also, the reason he treated me the way he did during the affair was because of the gilt and shame - I know all of this, but knowing this is not any less hurtful. She wasn't all that special... sure, she boosted his self-esteem in a way, but it was mostly about him... how "skillful" he was to keep up the lie, etc. He actually enjoyed being evil... now he's distraught over this, I know he is.

 

So we went to MC yesterday. A 2-hr session. An hour for both us, then 30 min of IC for each of us. We figured out that the main thing we need to do is to avoid the "triggers", what makes me feel bad and mad again. I go through cycles... We figured out what the biggest trigger for me is right now and we'll avoid it from now on until I feel better. Also, we've decided to start dating again. We'll have a date once a week... I need to know that he likes being with me... just me, no kids. I need to know that he likes spending time with me.

 

Also, she gave us a quiz on our current relationship/feelings and I was shocked to realized how loved, admired, wanted, attarctive, etc. etc. he makes me feel NOW! He would have failed this quiz 2-3 yrs ago, but things are totally different now. So I feel that it's time to focus on NOW and not get stuck on the past so much. We really do have a lot between us, still.

 

Sorry this is so long. I've been really encouraged by this forum and by MC. We want to continue - both MC and IC... if we can afford all of this, LOL, considering now we'll need to pay for a babysitter every week too.

[Katerina]

 

You are never going to be able reconcile yourself with what he has done, never going to be able to understand the why. Because what he did is reprehensible. For me, it has been not so much what my H did - the actions themselves, but that he was Capable of it. Of the lies, of the harm. A person capable of those things simply is not someone you trust. Period. Anyway, thats where I am at.

 

Just recently I started trusting my H again... but he had to work HARD and he's still working on it to gain even a tiny bit of my trust back. But of course, I'll never be the naive, gullible wife I was before the affair. This is sad.

[Katerina]

eeyore1981,

I'm so sorry about your situation.

[Katerina]

I've thought a lot about cheating on him, not so much a revenge affair, but because of the way I am, if I were to do it to him, I would no longer be obsessed about what he did in his affair. Plus, it would be nice to have someone care about me, even if it were just pretend.

.

 

Been there done that. I don't recommend it. It was only a temporary fix and it wasn't worth it. The only thing I think it helped with is how I feel about it now - I hate thinking about it... I want to forget about it.. I don't want my H to ever mention it (and he doesn't it - he forgave me as soon as I expressed remorse). So I think I can imagine how my H must feel about his affair, and yet I've been giving him hell about it for over 2 years now... So the only good thing that came out of my stupid on-line and then 1 day in person affair was that sometimes I feel sympathy for my H. I know how much he regrets his.

Edited October 10, 2009 by Katerina

[eeyore1981]

Been there done that. I don't recommend it. It was only a temporary fix and it wasn't worth it. The only thing I think it helped with is how I feel about it now - I hate thinking about it... I want to forget about it.. I don't want my H to ever mention it (and he doesn't it - he forgave me as soon as I expressed remorse). So I think I can imagine how my H must feel about his affair, and yet I've been giving him hell about it for over 2 years now... So the only good thing that came out of my stupid on-line and then 1 day in person affair was that sometimes I feel sympathy for my H. I know how much he regrets his.

 

I think about having an affair a lot, but I don't think I could do it. My best friend, a MM, apparently has dumped me as of a couple of months ago, and it has hurt me deeply. I don't trust my judgement anymore, but the vibe I thought I was getting shortly before being dumped was he had non-friend feelings for me. Even though I think about having an affair, the fact I couldn't go there with him tells me I probably don't have it in me.

 

My H has been working on our marriage, in his own way, but it isn't what I need him to do. I haven't been completely fair to him because I am so hurt and confused and feeling abandoned. Being dumped by what I had considered one of the best friends I have ever had has torn me up pretty bad. If I am right about it being because I wouldn't cross a line with him, it makes everything, including my marriage, just that much more bitter.

 

I'll have to delete this post after a while. H knows my username on here, and my xbf is his friend, too. If I'm mistaken, I don't want problems started on that front.

[Katerina]

I never thought I could ever do or planned on doing what I did... It all depends on your level of desperation at the moment.. I though my marriage was over, I was devastated... but it was a really stupid act.

 

My H has been working on our marriage, in his own way, but it isn't what I need him to do.

 

Communication is the key!

[eeyore1981]

I never thought I could ever do or planned on doing what I did... It all depends on your level of desperation at the moment.. I though my marriage was over, I was devastated... but it was a really stupid act.

 

Actually, I kind of thought I could do it. I can think of many reasons to do it. What I have learned so far is I can't have a casual sexual fling with someone I barely know, and I can't have a deep emotional fling with someone who is married. To make light of the situation, I don't know why it is so hard to go over to the dark side. ???

 

Communication is the key!

 

Yes, unfortunately communication is what I am so desperately needing, and what I am being denied. All I have to do is suck up the affair, suck up all the lies, and suck up the occasional 'having a crisis but H has more important things to attend to' moments, and I could have a good marriage. Can't do that, either.

[Katerina]

Yes, unfortunately communication is what I am so desperately needing, and what I am being denied. All I have to do is suck up the affair, suck up all the lies, and suck up the occasional 'having a crisis but H has more important things to attend to' moments, and I could have a good marriage. Can't do that, either.

 

I'm sorry I don't know your whole situation and I forget now what you've said before... but you're right - the way things are now will not improve the situation. I feel your pain. Someone needs to smack him on the head and tell him to wake up and do the right thing.

[Baroness67]

Hi Katerina.

 

My situation is not exactly the same as yours, my H's affair had a different structure, but I also struggle daily with attempting to restructure my marriage in some manner where I find satisfaction in continuing with it. I don't know whether it helps or hurts that I continue to deeply love my husband and consider him my best friend, even as he has hurt me more than anyone else could. The way I have put it to him, there is no other person in this world that I would let hurt me like that, and still be there for him.

 

My own parents were divorced due to infidelity and the "pursuit of happiness" and I did not see either of them really the "happier" in the remainder of their lives, nor did I really ever forgive them for putting their happiness over that of me and my siblings. We really had a pretty scattered upbringing while my parents pursued their "happiness" and I promised myself I would never do that to my own kids if I could help it.

 

I feel like when I had children, it was my responsibility to put their well-being before my own. So, as hurt as I was when I found out about my H's affair, I checked my worst impulses (incredibly difficult) and went to the 'for better or for worse' ... this year has definitely been a year for the 'worse.'

 

Therapy has helped a great deal to feel far more in charge of the situation. I have been able to accept that the affair was not about me. My husband, if unhappy, had lots of time to tell me he wasn't happy before having an affair. In fact, up until I found out about the affair, I thought we WERE happy.

 

I have found comfort in knowing I have nothing to apologize for. I can try to be a better wife, but it's up to my H to decide whether to work with me. I actually felt I had a dilemma recently when H and I had to attend a wedding where the OW and her boyfriend were also in attendance. I spent time worrying about how I would feel in "her" presence when my therapist reminded me that I was actually the only one in the triangle who had the right to hold my head up high, and that the OW and my H should be the ones who were s*** bricks. So right!

 

I find it helpful to be less concerned with how my H has acted wrongly, and concentrate on my acting rightly. Otherwise everything my H has done to wrong me, I will continue to let wrong me. How terrible to let someone else continue to wrong you, every single day. Not that I am not blindsided by bad feelings when I least expect them - but therapy has helped me see that the wrongs of my H's affair with the OW are their burden, with all those consequences - not mine.

[Katerina]

Hi Katerina.

 

I feel like when I had children, it was my responsibility to put their well-being before my own. So, as hurt as I was when I found out about my H's affair, I checked my worst impulses (incredibly difficult) and went to the 'for better or for worse' ... this year has definitely been a year for the 'worse.'

 

Therapy has helped a great deal to feel far more in charge of the situation. I have been able to accept that the affair was not about me.

 

Exactly! I felt/feel the same way.

 

I'm sorry it took me so long to reply. I felt that I needed to take a break from the forum. Some things have changed for the better in my relationship with H just in the last few days... I don't know why or how (probably due to a lot of prayers and some help I got from this forum), but I feel so much better. I feel that I hit some kind of changing point and I feel totally different. I think we, *I* can make it. Thanks for your reply and for everyone else's.

[momofeanda]

Our stories are almost identical. My husband also had an affair for a year and when I found out, he broke it off with her only after I decided to leave. He begged me not to go, got us into counseling and said he was all "messed up" and that's why he slept with someone else.

 

I really think he loves me, but he didn't trust my love enough to not have an affair. What will stop him from eventually loosing his new found dedication?

 

I feel like leaving, because the betrayal ran so deep that a piece of me is dead forever. It's hard to look at that everyday and think that I'm going to be looking at him forever and I'll never forget. But also I have children and cannot do that to him while he is being a good man.

 

Now I wonder how much I love him. It seemed almost like a honeymoon at first when were were reconnecting. But, now that some of his energy has worn off and I see a lot of the attention diminishing, I'm wondering how much I actually love him.

[momofeanda]

Yes, unfortunately communication is what I am so desperately needing, and what I am being denied. All I have to do is suck up the affair, suck up all the lies, and suck up the occasional 'having a crisis but H has more important things to attend to' moments, and I could have a good marriage. Can't do that, either.

 

Communication can happen between two people until they are blue in the face, but if they don't really understand what each other is saying, it can have destructive results....My H is working on communication in our couple therapy. It turns out that he is completely handicapped in this area. My therapist and I are working so hard to help him... Sometimes it's like we are speaking two different languages.

 

I'm on my 6th month of weekly therapy with him and I don't know if we will ever be able to communicate on our own without out therapist.