Gilligan Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 First off I'm new here - so I would like to say hello to the community and appreciate any feedback that comes my way. My name is Jim and I have been married to my wife for 15 years. I'll keep the story brief. My wife had recently (about 3-4 months ago) connected with an old boyfriend through facebook. When he first reached out to her she asked me if I minded and what I thought and I told her that I didn't care and not to worry about it. It eventually became a source of tension though because while I expected her to exchange a few message on fb and maybe post on each others walls, comment about pics and so forth, they instead just started calling each other and texting each other. I didn't mind a first but it became apparent to me thatmy wife was very protective of their conversations ( deleting text messages - I snooped) and only call when I wasn't around. We ended up having a fight about it and she asked me if I would rather she cut off contact. In anger I responded "sure do that". After that I came to realize that she never really did. I knew she was lying to me. Long story short I snooped some more and found out they wen to lunch at least once, she bought a pre paid phone that she kept at work to stay in touch and had continued to keep in touch through her work email, facebook and the other phone. We of course had another big fight - she sweated that she cut off all contact, removed him from FB and sent him an email asking him to not contact her again. She also said that she gave away the prepaid phone and insists that she did not have an affair and that it was a friendship and she hid it from me because I gave her a hard time about it. I have told her that I want to move on but frankly I am having a hard time believing everything. She never was willing to tell me anything I didn't already know and figure out. She insists she only saw him one time for lunch and she pretty much is pissed at me for the snooping I did and insists I drop it and trust her. I'm trying and I feel like if I keep pushing to know more I will just push her away. I truly love my wife. We have 2 beautiful kids, she is my best friend and I don't want to be without her but I feel like I need to know everything to know what to forgive and o learn to trust her again. I'm at a loss. Do I just move on or do I get to the bottom of this regardless of the consequences?
hopeful1980 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Do you have any idea why your wife would want to reconnect with this dude in the first place?
quankanne Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 get to the bottom of it. If your wife wants friends of the opposite sex – or is in contact with an ex – those relationships need to be transparent. i.e., she includes you in on them. two of my dearest friends are guys, and I've kept up with a couple of friends from college, plus have made some guy friends along the way. And my husband DEFINITELY knows about them, because I don't want to give him cause not to trust me. I like being able to go on vacation alone, or hang out with friends whenever I want, because he trusts me ... and them ... and he knows I love them only as friends. based on her secretive relationship with this guy, I'm thinking she's up to no good. You don't hide something like that unless you're guilty of something or are screwed in the head. just my opinion ..
JamesM Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Do I just move on or do I get to the bottom of this regardless of the consequences? Get to the bottom of it. To me it sounds like nothing more than reliving HS days. It is entirely possible that they did get caught up in the memories of the feelings and never let it become physical. It does hurt, I am sure that she held this from you, but my guess is that she in no way wants to leave you. Her infatuation until proven to be more than that can be forgiven...provided she no longer keeps communications with him a secret.
wife Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 imo she keeps it secret or unrevealed because she is scared of your reaction, maybe she doesn't want to hurt you but she has no clue "hiding" her contact with the old boyfriend may hurt you worse, as well as your trust in her. Maybe the ex boyfriend is seeking some sort of closure, in need of attention from someone that knows him because he just had a break-up. Whatever the case, I would stop and breathe before I react without solid ground. Perhaps a simple, "Can you tell me what's going on, I really want to know what's going on. Is there anything I can help with? Remember you can tell me anything, I'm your friend too and our communication is VERY important to me". That may work. Or perhaps other things have been going on, distracting your attention and you can rekindle quickly. I have an ex boyfriend on my facebook friend's list. A real good looking italian too. Do I talk to him on occation? sure I do! About whay? I comment his landscape photos, I show my husband the photos too! Sometimes my old "boyfriend" will contact me and tell me about needing to find Mrs. Right, do I have any friends. I respond cordually, and with note that my husband and I may know this girl... My husband makes it a point that I can tell him anything at all. He gives me a chance to feel secure in openly communicating, then he has his oppinion on it. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. "baby I wish you wouldn't tell him that" or something.
Author Gilligan Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 I should mention that the issue is somewhat shelved now because in the middle of it my wife found out about a health issue that will require surgery in the near future. Nothing life threatening but surgery is surgery and my concerns are mostly there. So I don't really think I can bring it back up now without sounding like an obsessive jerk. The part that sticks with me is that she went to great lengths to deceive me. The fact that she bought a pre paid phone seems so devious to me and it hurt me deeply. I am starting therapy shortly to deal withy own anxiety and truthfully depression from this. She agreed that once I have some things sorted out on my own she would join me in therapy for couples sessions. I'm completely stressed out.
hopeful1980 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I'm sorry Gillian. I know this must be such a hard time for you. Personally, I think your wife was reaching out for something she was missing at home. I don't think she would have taken it farther (she may have), but she trying to find a connection that she couldn't find with you. Maybe now that she has to lean on you for support through her surgery, she will be able to find that bond she so obviously needs.
NowhereToHide Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I should mention that the issue is somewhat shelved now because in the middle of it my wife found out about a health issue that will require surgery in the near future. Nothing life threatening but surgery is surgery and my concerns are mostly there. So I don't really think I can bring it back up now without sounding like an obsessive jerk. The part that sticks with me is that she went to great lengths to deceive me. The fact that she bought a pre paid phone seems so devious to me and it hurt me deeply. I am starting therapy shortly to deal withy own anxiety and truthfully depression from this. She agreed that once I have some things sorted out on my own she would join me in therapy for couples sessions. I'm completely stressed out. Boy, this certainly rings true for me. Facebook is exactly where I reconnected with my AP -- a guy from high school. I, too, have a lot of "guy" friends, so my husband thought nothing of it. But we took it too far.... we'd have 4 hour-long IM sessions, texting constantly, emailing all the time. Full on emotional affair. We met once where it was physical. You know the old saying, "if you wouldn't do it in front of your spouse, then don't do it"? It's very appropriate in your situation. Much of what she set up was so that you couldn't see it. Which means it was stuff she didn't feel comfortable with you seeing (I did the same thing -- it's the nature of an A). Maybe marriage counseling? Maybe in therapy she might be willing to admit the extent of the affair? Good luck. And keep us posted.
wife Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I'm sorry to hear there's a health issue! I hope she gets better soon! Glad to see the situation is shelved. Perhaps it's best it's left in the past too . Good luck!
boldjack Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 OP, your wife is having an affair, at least an EA and possibly a PA. You are right to set this issue aside, until after the medical problems are solved, but as soon as that happens, you need , for your own self-respect, and piece-of-mind, to get to the bottom of this. But beware, she has already lied to you repeatedly and gone behind your back, don't believe anything she says , without proof.
samspade Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Pre-paid cell phone? She's cheating. Drop her. Cheating is far worse than snooping. Her behavior merited your reconnaissance. Don't let her turn the tables on you. Don't argue, don't plead, don't do anything but walk away.
2sunny Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 the fact that she's hiding so much should tell you that she's up to no good with this guy. when there's nothing to hide - you hide nothing... she didn't tell you about lunch either because it's exciting when it's secret... there are many reasons to think she has been up to no good. my bet is she still sees him/contacts him. can you put a voice activated recorder in her car or purse? they look like a pen or lighter... also a keylogger on her computer to see what she's typing to him.
Author Gilligan Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 Keylogger was how I found out about it. I'm the worst spy ever though. I lasted 3 days before I told her what I knew and the whole fight ensued from there. I uninstalled the software when she committed to ending contact. Now I just have anxiety. I sucked at spying because on e I know something I can't hide my feelings. She knew before I confronted her. I read her emails telling him to only contact her on the pre paid phone. That's when I lost it.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Keylogger was how I found out about it. I'm the worst spy ever though. I lasted 3 days before I told her what I knew and the whole fight ensued from there. I uninstalled the software when she committed to ending contact. Now I just have anxiety. I sucked at spying because on e I know something I can't hide my feelings. She knew before I confronted her. I read her emails telling him to only contact her on the pre paid phone. That's when I lost it. That prepaid phone is hardcore! You need to demand marriage counseling. If she declines ask her why? What does she fear?
seibert253 Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Can you trust your wife; NO. Can the trust be rebuilt; YES Tell her this, tell her you don't trust her, tell her no matter what she thinks, in your mind she was involved in an emotional affair, she lied to you about it, and she covered it up hoping you wouldn't find out. Let her know she has two options: 1. work to fix what she shattered, or 2. Divorce If she chooses #1, she needs to commit to the following, these are not open for negotiation: 1. NC with OM ever again. If she violates this, you will D her. No if's ands, or buts about it. 2. Total transparency on her part, you have unfiltered access to all emails, computers she uses, and cell phone 3. MC and IC for both of you. Let her know you cannot "just put this in the past and forget about it". Let her know she has seriously damaged your marriage, and she either needs to be 100% commited to repairing it, or she needs to pack up and move out. You need to be strong and forceful, but compassionate at the same time. You cannot just let the go away. If you do not address the underlying issues as to why this occurred, you will be revisiting this same issue later down the road. She will do it again.
alexxx Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Sorry to hear your story. You are (understandably) confused now and you cannot think clearly. Let me give you few examples by analyzing the last paragraph of your post: I'm trying and I feel like if I keep pushing to know more I will just push her away. You aren't pushing her away. She is the one pushing YOU away by cheating on you. You have not done anything wrong. Your reactions are typical reactions of every normal human being. I truly love my wife. It is just inertia. You are in a denial stage. Once this stage is over, you'll realize that the only thing you might love about her are the memories. We have 2 beautiful kids, she is my best friend ... Again, you are in a denial. She is not your friend anymore. She caused you so much pain. Friends don't do that to us. and I don't want to be without her .. Are you sure about that? Do you have a choice? If you don't want to be without her, then you will be with her and with her old boyfriend. Her old boyfriend will be there with you, in reality or in your thoughts. You need to have more self-respect. but I feel like I need to know everything to know what to forgive and o learn to trust her again. ] I'll maybe buy (with tongue in cheek) that you might be able to forget her. But you will never trust her again. Do I just move on or do I get to the bottom of this regardless of the consequences? You don't have choice here, either. You cannot move on until you get to the bottom of it. Sorry if this was harsh, but, again, you need a wake up call. I also have one question for you. Have you ever seen the payphone?
Author Gilligan Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 I have never seen the phone. I demanded that she give it to me but she insisted she gave it away. I also saw her email to him (before I uninstalled the software) telling him that the phone was gone and that she gave it to a co worker. Although my anxiety made menthink that the email was stage for my benefit. It's easy to say just leave but that isn't that easy for me. I don't want to throw this away but I need to believe she is committed to our marriage again and at some point still we will have what I call a come to Jesus moment. ( I don't mean that religously - I just mean total honesty) I appreciate everyones views and opinions I think I'm still pretty hurt by this and haven't had a chance to really think clearly and because of her medical problems it is on hold.
bluegreen12 Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 My wife had recently (about 3-4 months ago) connected with an old boyfriend through facebook. When he first reached out to her she asked me if I minded and what I thought and I told her that I didn't care and not to worry about it. That was very stupid! You actually allow your wife to be in contact with some guy who was on top of her? With the hidden prepaid phone, texting and phone constantly, and then meeting in person, you know they did more. Get yourself tested for STD. How do you know that she is not having another pre-paid phone? Do you have full access to her work email? How do you know she didn't create a new hotmail account? Did you expose? Affair usually end after exposure, because it's not longer romantic and exciting and sexy, but instead, bad and shameful. EXPOSE to anyone she respect, including her employer, her mom, her sister, and her uncle NOW, bufore she give you the "I love you, but I am not in love with you" speech, or worse, "I am pregnant with his child."
2sunny Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 tell her to move. tell her that her ACTIONS say that she isn't invested in repairing the marriage and you are moving on with life - without her. her actions say she's got all her energy invested in the other guy... make her move out - see how she reacts to reality setting in.
bluegreen12 Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 tell her to move. tell her that her ACTIONS say that she isn't invested in repairing the marriage and you are moving on with life - without her. her actions say she's got all her energy invested in the other guy... make her move out - see how she reacts to reality setting in. I like it, but he NEEDS to expose first, and two days later, make her move out.
alexxx Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 It's easy to say just leave but that isn't that easy for me. That goes without saying. I never advised you to leave. In fact, I don't have a good advise for you regarding your actions, since there are kids. I know FOR SURE I would leave if there were no kids, but that's not relevant in your case. Unfortunately, she made you prioritize (compromise); to chose between two equally bad solutions, leave or stay. What I DOD advise you is to start thinking logically. You lost touch with reality. Again, you are definitely WRONG when you say: 1. "I am pushing her away" No! She has pushed herself away from you. 2. "She is my friend". No! Maybe you only WANT her to be your friend (because you feel lonely now), but she is definitely not your friend. Your worst enemy wouldn't do what she did to you. I don't want to throw this away but I need to believe she is committed to our marriage again .. She appears to be, once you caught her cheating. Have you heard about the talk show host apologizing these days to his wife and everybody else for having sex with one of his co-worksrs? Do you really think he would be apologizing if he didn't get caught. She appears to be committed to you marriage to avoid consequences. She doesn't want anybody (family, friends) to know about the affair. She maybe doesn't know whether she wants to stay in the marriage. Maybe she doesn't want to stay, but also doesn't want to hurt the kids. She may be buying time to think through. Please do not fall for this. The previous poster suggested you reveal the affair in front of everybody. Honestly, I think you should consider doing that. First, you'll be telling the truth only (this is good enough reason for disclosing anything). Second, you will feel relieved (you deserve it). Third, as the previous poster suggested, she will finally realize how dirty their affair was (instead of being head over heels with this guy). and at some point still we will have what I call a come to Jesus moment. ( I don't mean that religously - I just mean total honesty) Maybe, I don't know. What I DO KNOW is that she can only love you if she respects you. You need to get more respect from her (and more importantly, more self respect). She has already put you in the toilet. Don't let her flush you down the drain.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 People only go to great lengths to protect those things that are important to them. For example, look at the effort you've put into researching this threat to your marriage. So the question you need to ask her - preferably in a counseling setting - is why the connection with the xBF is so important to her the she would lie, deceive and betray you to pursue it? When you have the answer to that - and that information may be painful for you to hear - then you'll know where to go from here. If it were me, I wouldn't let this pass without getting to the bottom of it... Mr. Lucky
JumpinJimmy Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 G, How long was the secret communication going on? That is a key item to determine if she had an EA going on. If it was to a short time, then most likely the EA hasn't started, which means that she hadn't slept with him yet. If it was going on for more than a few months or so, be prepared for the worse. If it has not been going on for very long you still have a chance. Support your wife 200% during her health issues and more. Find out what it is that she is getting emotionally from this guy and start providing it yourself and drive this guy out before he can get his foot further in the door. Here is your chance, don't fall back into complacency by doing nothing to change the dynamics of your relationship with her. Put in the effort now! Also, keep up the survellience and keep you mouth shut about it. Don't feel bad about it either. She has sown the embers of distrust, and you are just standing watch to put them out. Let me put it to you this way, she is your sheep, and there is a wolf about. It is your job and duty to keep a vigilant eye out as a shepard in your marriage.
DannyD Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Hi Gilligan and hi to everyone at Loveshack. I'm new around here and this is my first post. I'm truly impressed by the sincerity and thought that you all put into replies to the various treads. Very refreshing compared to one or two other sites I've visited and posted on. My wife had an EA a number of years ago and it did untold damage - to me, mostly. I see quite a few similarities with your situation and the replies make for very interesting reading for me. I've wanted to post about it but it's a long story and I'd need a bit of time to relate all the details. But I will do it soon. I feel I need to share it and get your views, opinions etc. I'm putting the cart before the horse here by commenting on my situation as I haven't posted the story yet but, to sum up, I thought I was over it and thought I'd moved on, but suspicion continues to haunt me. And my main suspicion is that she has continued to keep in touch with him through another phone or her computer at her work place. I have no way of knowing this for certain and have no way of snooping to find out. I feel such a creep, at times, for wanting to be able to snoop but I can't help it. When we discuss the EA (rarely because she seems to become upset when we do), I always throw in a comment that, if it was me, I'd have found it difficult to end it so abruptly. She says that she was foolish and didn't realise the damage it would do and has never contacted him since. But, I guess, the bottom line for me is that all sounds unconvincing and, deep down, maybe I don't believe her and I'll be suspicious for the rest of my life. And, in darker moments, that worries me, as you might imagine. But back to you, Gilligan - I know what you're going through. Your situation is probably a little different to mine in that I don't think my wife ever met him. It all resulted from her replying to a random text she received from a number she didn't recognise. It turned out the guy lived about 80 miles away. A while into the EA, he wanted to meet her, she told me, but she swears she didn't and I honestly doubt if she did. I dealt with the whole thing from Day 1 on gut feeling and, having been proven right in most of my suspicions, I do believe there wasn't any meeting or physical contact. All I will say to you is not to do anything or make any decision in a rash fashion. Talk to friends (if you can) and consider the advice you get here also. Be as supportive as you can to your wife as she goes through her op and her post op and do your thinking then. I'd love to have someone to share my situation with but, despite having more friends than most people I know, I haven't anyone I can bounce it off without either feeling deeply embarrassed or running the risk of someone else finding out. (The only person I would have considered telling proved to be a huge source of pain to me. A few years ago, I confided in him and, unfortunately for me, he told others what I had told him). I've been ultra cautious since! Good luck to you and I hope things work out for you both.
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