Agoraphobianebula Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Ok, He's 29, and she's 35. They met, started dating, became exclusive, after 2 months of exclusivity, she broke it off because he really wasn't acting like much of a boyfriend. There were many reasons but to summarize, he kind of compartmentalized their relationship. He kept their relationship very separate from the rest of his life. Didn't introduce her to friends, never let her close to family in any way. Didn't really ask about her issues, eg, her mom was going through medical problems, he was aware of it but never even asked how she was doing. He was still very much into going out with the guys every weekend to clubs, bars, but she was never once invited to come along even if there happened to be other women in attendance. The lists goes on and on.... She concluded that he just wasn't ready for a relationship and during the breakup talk, he sort of admitted to it in a roundabout way. 3 months went by, they got back in touch, he initiated the contact. They are now hanging out again, having sex, texting, dinner occassionally but he still maintains that he is not ready for a serious relationship. And when he is he will let her know. We are her friends, we care about her, and we try to tell her to cut this one lose. Yet she thinks he just needs time to come around and she will keep hanging out with him "casually" until he's ready. The issue is that things are not casual for her. She is way in too deep, analyzing every text message and every email to death. Anyone have words of wisdom to impart to her? do these guys in situations like this ever really come around and decide they want to be serious? when he's ready, will her even choose her?
carhill Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 If she stops having sex with him, two things will happen. One, he'll realize this hole is dry and move on. Two, she'll dump the oxytocin addiction and see him for who he truly is. He's not going to 'come around', except for sex. What do you think he was doing while they were broken up? He was having sex with another similar arrangement/person.
danny75 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Hmm seems like he is still very immature and doesnt really care about this woman all that much, he obviously likes his freedom and just wants to go out on weekends get wrecked with his friends and who knows maybe screw some girl in the process. If he loved or had any true feelings towards your friend at all, he would make every effort to ask about her mothers health, he would invite her to nights out and so on. Why hasnt he invited her to meet his friends? My guess is he has jealousy issues and doesnt trust her around other men, or he is just out on the town hitting on other women. Sorry to sound so negative but my advice is tell this woman to let him go.....
Author Agoraphobianebula Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 Thank you guys, that's what her friends have been trying to tell her. He's immature and just wants to play the field until he's "ready". She agrees but she thinks that she needs to hang around and make herself available to him in the meantime because if she lets him go now, when he's ready to be serious, he won't choose her. I think this is delusional, what say you?
carhill Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Impress upon her that he already sees her a certain way, which his actions are expressing, and that image of her isn't going to change. It's kinda like when you like a guy but aren't attracted to him. After enough time in his presence, that image of him becomes permanent and you will never alter it. His image of her is similar. She's now an erstwhile FWB.
Author Agoraphobianebula Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 Ding! Ding!, thank you Carhill, I hadn't even thought of that. He has all the information he needs to make an informed decision about her..i.e., either he wants to be serious or not. And yet he still decided he's not ready to be serious. So what in the world will change his mind? Unless she morphs into somebody else. I mean, is it possible for someone to be really into you but not want a relationship with you? He has nothing external holding him back like school or work. The only thing holding him back is his mindset which I think just means he's really not that into her.
carhill Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 After a long and fruitless history of attempting to 'change a woman's mind', my best advice is for her to not concern herself with figuring him out. Accept him as he is and decide what is best for herself. Think about someone you're 'really into'. What actions does that feeling motivate? Compare. Accept. If he's 'into her' in a relationship way, his actions will indicate it and his words will support his actions. None of that is happening right now. Acceptance
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