boldjack Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Nwh, Even in the 21st Century, in some places in the good ole U.S.A., for a white woman to have sex with a black man is almost the worst possible thing she could do. The only thing worse is to cheat on her white husband and children, with a Black man. Shunning, and intimidation and shame for the kids, contempt and ridicule for the Husband, bitter hatred, total ostracism, and revulsion for the wife. In many rural areas,The Black man would do well to leave, If found out. And the OP and his family might have to do the same. I have seen this sort of thing happen, from time to time. AHL, You are in a HARD place, there will be no easy solution. You must man-up as never before, for your kids sake and yours. What happens to your wife, shouldn't concern you at all. She deliberately brought your family to this and deserves ALL of the blame. Not you or even the OM. You should have her stay with family or friends, so that her actions won't affect your childrens lives as much. Then, through IC and with the help of clergy and friends, rebuild your self-esteem and pride. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!!!!!!!!! You are a good man, with a horrible wife. My thoughts and best wishes are with your children and you.
Author allhopelost Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Nwh, Even in the 21st Century, in some places in the good ole U.S.A., for a white woman to have sex with a black man is almost the worst possible thing she could do. The only thing worse is to cheat on her white husband and children, with a Black man. Shunning, and intimidation and shame for the kids, contempt and ridicule for the Husband, bitter hatred, total ostracism, and revulsion for the wife. In many rural areas,The Black man would do well to leave, If found out. And the OP and his family might have to do the same. I have seen this sort of thing happen, from time to time. AHL, You are in a HARD place, there will be no easy solution. You must man-up as never before, for your kids sake and yours. What happens to your wife, shouldn't concern you at all. She deliberately brought your family to this and deserves ALL of the blame. Not you or even the OM. You should have her stay with family or friends, so that her actions won't affect your childrens lives as much. Then, through IC and with the help of clergy and friends, rebuild your self-esteem and pride. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!!!!!!!!! You are a good man, with a horrible wife. My thoughts and best wishes are with your children and you. This is exactly the situation,sorry to say.
boldjack Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Dude, this is tough, real tough. I wish I could help you more, but you will pull through. Trust in yourself, and believe in yourself, and everything will get better. You're a good guy , and there are lots and lots of good women , out there, who would love to find a guy like you. You just have to make it happen. Good Luck, Pal.
NowhereToHide Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 This is exactly the situation,sorry to say. Well, I hope you're not "going along" with the situation. It's one thing to live in a small-minded community, it's quite another to be small-minded yourself.
boldjack Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 NWH, this poster isn't a racist, but this is his home and his kids safety are involved. Reserve your blame for the person, who caused all of this, the cheating wife.
hopeful1980 Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 I also don't think the OP is a racist. I understand his perdicament. A white woman with a AA man is still the most taboo relationship in our country. It is what it is. However, I wonder if the race of the man with whom his wife cheated has anything to do with his clinginess and what some have described as "desperation" with regards to his wife. Could it be that the myth of the sexual virility of the AA man has him feeling more insecure than he would if it were a white guy? I know any affair his wife would have would take a shot at his manhood, but could it be compounded by the fact that the other man is Black? I think it would make a difference with me. If my husband had an affair with a woman outside of our race it would make me feel more insecure because she is obviously something I can never be. How can I compete with that?
lkjh Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Man, this is a hard situation to be in but I think you should hold her responsible for her actions. More truths will come and for now she has to see some consequences for her actions. Don't sleep with her, don't cuddle with her, and strongly consider having her move out. NWH, he is not a racist. Most people would feel the exact same ways as him. Especially, since this OM is a "gang banger" type. It must kill knowing your SO other gave themselves to a "gang banger" of a different race
Lizzie60 Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Hummm... this thread reminds me of another poster (very similar)... anyway.. you just found out.. and you found more than you were hoping for.. and yet you cuddled with her.. Methink she knows she can manipulate you all she wants and have lost respect a looooong time ago.. she has probably cheated on numerous occasions.. and trust me.. it won't stop... not from what I've read here. Sorry to be harsh.. but she no longer loves you... of course she will tell you that 'she was lost'... 'that she made a terrible mistake' blablabla.. because knowing you.. she knows that if she plays the 'pity' card.. you will forgive her.. and even think it was YOUR fault afterall.. (it could be too in some way)... If I were you.. I would move on.. or if you want to stay for the kids.. be prepared to share her... (maybe an open marriage could be the solution in your case)... and get tested for STDs... (gang banger is not good). She sees you a doormat.. and have no respect anymore.. I should add...even if she quit her job... she'll find someone else at her next 'new' job..
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Hummm... this thread reminds me of another poster (very similar)... anyway.. you just found out.. and you found more than you were hoping for.. and yet you cuddled with her.. Methink she knows she can manipulate you all she wants and have lost respect a looooong time ago.. she has probably cheated on numerous occasions.. and trust me.. it won't stop... not from what I've read here. Sorry to be harsh.. but she no longer loves you... of course she will tell you that 'she was lost'... 'that she made a terrible mistake' blablabla.. because knowing you.. she knows that if she plays the 'pity' card.. you will forgive her.. and even think it was YOUR fault afterall.. (it could be too in some way)... AllHope, You need to read this! This post is a no-bull**** view of how women actually think. Stop thinking you know what your wife is feeling. Look where that got you already.
jmargel Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 (edited) Well I believe I have finally gotten all the details. She is going through some serious self loathing and feels pretty worthless. I really don't know if I can get past this. My feelings of inadequacies are so much worse now than I have ever felt in my life, and that has always been one of my most self loathing qualities. I honestly don't believe any woman would/could love me in that way ever again, as I don't believe I could handle the rejection and humiliation. I wish I could say I felt better but I cannot. I have a very rampant imagination and somehow not knowing, I believe, would have been worse, although I don't know how mush worse I could possibly feel at this moment. I have IC next week and perhaps that will help, idk. There appears to be no defining moment that she decided she was going to cheat on me. The whole interatial element is like a nightmare that wont go away. We live in an extremely isolated community where this could ruin a persons reputation to the point of shunning. I am scared to death that my children will find out through their friends at school and be humilated and picked on. There are so many dynamics to this damn mess that I am really struggling with what to do. You need to take a step back here. From my personal experience and from all the advice I've given and read over the years I believe I know what works and what doesn't in these situations. When she did this to you, she destroyed the foundation of your marriage, the trust you had in her. You have every right to be mad, every right to scream at her, every right to walk away. IMO what you need to do is make her face consequences for what she has done. She has not only lied and betrayed you and the kids, she has put your health at risk. Yet, she gets away with a stern warning? She owes you more than this, she owes you more than either of your two can imagine. You also have to stop blaming yourself, it's a copout because you don't want to truly find out why she did this. You don't want to think of her as a bad person, in which she may not be. However you can be a good person and make very bad decisions. Playing the victim here is only going to get you hurt again. Stop putting your own self-worth into her, the marriage and what she has done to you. She has done this because of her own personality and maturity issues. This is something she needs to see a counselor for and dig deep down to figure out why. In the meantime you can't be her counselor and you should not enable yourself to be the reason why she has done this. Her words are just that, words. Actions speak louder than words. On top of this, women love confidence. It's good for your personality. So as of today, it's time to change. Not only show confidence, but live it. It's a way to get what you want without using fear. Have the confidence in you that you demand resolution and that it starts today. No more 'I love yous' No more trying to win her back No more having pity on yourself or her No more thinking you won't find another love if you two divorce No more basing your own self-worth on what she's done Today when you see her, talk to her in a calm voice. Let her know that she has a week to find a counselor. If she doesn't, she's out, for good. If she does find one, there is still no guarantee that you are staying. That from now on you are going to worry about yourself and the children. That the bond between you and her is broken. She has to earn your trust back, she has to do everything in this world to have a chance to be with you again. If you cave in and make it too easy for her, then she hasn't faced the consequences and will do it again. She needs to find the root of these problems, however what's more important is that she has to want to do this. Anything less, push her out to the curb. Trust me, this is the only thing that will work. It's called tough love. You also should start setting short term goals for yourself and your children and accomplish them. It's time to get your confidence back. Edited October 9, 2009 by jmargel
Devil Inside Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Hey AllHope..man this is tough...sad to see that racism has made it into an even worse situation. As you look at all things considered..and the good of your kids...maybe moving from that community could be part of your overall plan. It seems that the community is really going to limit your children. Good luck.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Hey AllHope..man this is tough...sad to see that racism has made it into an even worse situation. As you look at all things considered..and the good of your kids...maybe moving from that community could be part of your overall plan. It seems that the community is really going to limit your children. Good luck. He should go or stay wherever his support exists. While having the community get up in his business may suck... I don't think that is the worst thing going on here.
lkjh Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Hey AllHope..man this is tough...sad to see that racism has made it into an even worse situation. As you look at all things considered..and the good of your kids...maybe moving from that community could be part of your overall plan. It seems that the community is really going to limit your children. Good luck. Most communities look down on white wives hooking up with black "gang bangers". Don't make it seem like this is very rare and most places don't think like this
nolife Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 (edited) I feel for you i know what its like wanting to curl up into a ball and die. I left my H 12 months ago after 32 years of marriage. I believe your W and my H new what they were doing it wasn`t once, it continued till they were caught with no thought for their spouses. How surprising once they are discovered they realize they want you, love you and want to make it work, i tried but at the end i could not get past the BETRAYAL that`s what hurts how do you trust her again, if you feel you can work towards it if not you have family and friends for now don`t worry about dating all over again just feel the peace that comes to you knowing you don`t have to trust her again. What ever you do, do it for you and kids not her or community, i live in a small town and of course gossip runs wild,apart from my children and a few close friends i told every one else the reason was between us and of no concern to anyone else. As hard as it seems now you will work it out follow your gut instincts. Edited October 10, 2009 by nolife
Fallen Angel Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 I hate to admit to this but I have to agree with some of the posters that say that the way you are blaming yourself could make you "less attractive" to your wife. GOD, that was hard to say. I hope it isn't as hurtful to you as it felt to me to write it. It was when I was reading the whole thread that I got to thinking about the kind of man I am generally attracted to. And while "feeling men" are great, they usually end up "good friends", not the men I choose to be in relationships with. I think that in general, women want a more "manly" man. We want someone strong, a leader, someone who makes us feel safe and secure. That is not to say we do not want a man who is tender, we do, but tender TOWARDS us, not because of us, do you see the distinction I am trying to make? Please do not take me the wrong way, YOU ARE IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR HER AFFAIR!! THAT WAS HER OWN BROKENESS, NOT YOURS! PUT THAT WEIGHT DIRECTLY ON TO HER SHOULDERS WHERE IT BELONGS!!! I am just saying that if you want to fix your marriage you need to start by standing up straight, holding your head high, and refusing to take any more of her sh*t!!! YOU need to be the one to take control. YOU need to set the ground rules about what you expect to happen. YOU need to take all leadership in the M out of her hands and demand what you want!! I am not saying become abusive emotionally, just TAKE CONTROL! Despite many women's claims to the contrary, I believe most women want a STRONG man, a leader, someone who they can feel an enormous amount of respect for. And I hate to say it, but I think that by you blaming yourself for her weaknesses, she is losing whatever respect for you she did have. In my opinion, and from my own personal experience, I think that women want to be women.. we want to be feminine, protected, cared for, saved... we want a man who we feel will do all those things hence why so many of us get involved with "father figures" or "bad boys", both of those types we percieve as being VERY MASCULINE. That is just my opinion..... Ouch, it actually hurt me to say all that. *sigh* maybe I need to look into counseling.... am I so broken that I really want my knight in shining armour? Stupid, stupid fairy tales teaching us that they exist... *sigh*
Guitarjeff Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 I enjoy helping others through the pain of infidelity. Here are my personal ten points I like to impart to those going through this nightmare. These are just my opinions and others will have their own. I hope they make you feel better and give you a different perspective. 1.) Though it feels as if you are in more pain than anyone has ever been because of infidelity, you are hurting no worse than anyone else has and is hurting over it. When we hurt real bad, it's as if inside us we believe that our pain is special, and that we are hurting more than anyone ever could over this because we loved our spouse more than a normal person does. No one could be hurting as bad as *I* am hurting. This is simply false and you are not alone. Thousands upon thousands of betrayed spouses hurt exactly the same as you are with as much excruciating pain. Can't eat, can't sleep, breaking down in tears, even at work. Remember, this pain is absolutely normal, and you are not having some ultra-normal devastation. It helps to know that everyone that goes through this nightmare feels just the same as you, you are completely normal 2.} Just as all betrayed humans find out eventually, YOU WILL HAVE a happy life again in the future. Yep, that's right, even though it doesn't feel like it right now, and seems impossible, you will get up someday and actually smile and feel good about life again and look forward to your day, it's as sure as the sun will rise, nothing can stop the progression of time, nothing can stop you from healing and the pain beginning to die, it happens to all of us, and the people that have been through it, seeing you from their perspective, know for absolute sure that your pain will begin to fade. In ten years from now you will say to yourself, "I probably wouldn't change a single thing that happened" because it led you down a new life path. When one door closes, another opens. Be secure in the knowledge that this pain will eventually die and you will be happy again. 3.) During these horrible times, you absolutely HAVE to take care of yourself and eat well, try to sleep as normally as you can. Go see your doctor and tell him what's going on. Human beings are naturally empathetic, and who hasn't had their heart broken before? Your doctor will prescribe you with sleep and anti depression medication if he feels it will help you, so don't hold this in. That's why your doctor is there for goodness sakes. You won't be the firts or last person to come to them with emotional devastation. 4.) Out the affair to the other spouse who is being cheated on. Affairs thrive in secrecy, it's a fantasy land, that's why it's so exciting and feels like teenage love again. Your spouse doesn't have to see the new persons dirty underwear on the bathroom floor, or hear them using the bathroom, or smell their body reek after they mow the lawn. The affair partner is put on a pedestal. They don't have to live up to your standards because they don't have to live with your spouse. They can be the night in shining armor or the sweet princess while your spouse sees you as the boring mate who had gas in the middle of the night in bed. When you out the affair to friends and family, it loses it's shine and becomes an embarrassment to your spouse. The little fairy tale is now gone, and now it's a seedy affair, ruins that fantasy real quick. Telling the other betrayed spouse is very important because you would want to be told yourself, right? Can you imagine keeping this vital information from a married person? It's a terrible thing to do and you rob them of the opportunity to make proper decisions in their life based on the truth of what's happening to them. It's the same as lying. When you lie (and this is what your cheating spouse was doing to you), you prohibit the other betrayed spouse from making judgments based on truthful reality. That's a terrible thing to do to someone. If you know someone who is being cheated on and refuse to tell them, it's the same as being an accessory to the crime. 5.) No excuses for your cheating spouse. If I had a dollar for every time the people on these infidelity forums have seen a hurting spouse make excuses for their cheating spouse I would be rich. Basically, IT'S NOT YOUR PLACE to be analyzing why your spouse cheated on you.. You are not a mental health specialists. There is one big reason why betrayed spouses do this, and it's simple. If you can absolve your spouse of responsibility, then it must not be their fault, so then you can stay with them and not feel the pain anymore, right? If they just have an excuse, you can stay married to them and then you don't have to face being alone, see how that works? NO SPOUSE HAS A LEGITIMATE REASON FOR CHEATING ON YOU, NONE!!! Nothing you do can EVER be a reason for your spouse to bring a third party in to your intimate relationship you share together. A spouse can always come to you and tell you they are not happy and that they want to move on without you. There is NEVER a need to cheat, and it can NEVER be the right decision. Excuses for your spouse are really you trying to cheat out of the pain. 6.) Do not plead and beg to your cheating spouse to stay with you. To someone that is in the fantasy land of an affair, you already hold a lower place than the affair partner. They have lost their respect for you to begin with. Begging and pleading, crying at their feet looks terribly pathetic to your cheating spouse. It looks weak and unattractive and will simply make them pull away from you even harder because their affair partner doesn't grovel like this, they are strong and confident. To a cheating spouse, your crying and begging looks pathetic and weak, and it's the fastest way you can drive them even further away. It feels terribly unnatural to stand up to the person you fear will leave you. It's nature to want to beg them to stay, but the truth is exactly opposite. You want them to see you strong, confident. You must show them what they are losing. They are losing their friend, their partner for years, their home life, their security, maybe even their kids. How many times have the folks here seen a betrayed spouse try to be nice by giving the cheater money and offer everything up in a divorce trying to :*nice* their spouse back, only to end up losing so much more than they had to in a divorce? Do not try to buy your spouses love and respect back, most of the time you end up losing so much more in the end, and then a few years later when the pain is gone, you are saying to yourself "was I stupid or what? I lost everything I had because I was trying to give my cheating spouse the kitchen sink to show her how wonderful I was and make them want to come back" This never works. Giving the cheater everything they ask for because of your pain only puts you in more misery eventually, far more than you needed to endure. 7.) Did you know that your cheating spouse may not be who you were supposed to grow old with? That's right, it may not be in the cards for you two. I am a firm believer in fate, and I believe that most everyone has someone they are eventually supposed to grow old with and share their lives with. Would you want to stay in a betrayed marriage and miss the real person you were meant to grow old with? Of course not. No one wants to end up with the wrong person. There may be another person out there, right now, living their life, that is supposed to meet you when the time is right. Someone that won't cheat on you and that will forever love and respect you. They wouldn't be able to cheat on you no more than you would on them. Isn't this the kind of person you want to grow old with? Always keep in mind what kind of love you deserve. You DID NOT DESERVE to be cheated on. You deserve someone who will always be honest and true to you. 8.) Did you know that divorce, in most cases, IS THE FASTEST WAY for the pain to die? I have seen couples reconcile and the betrayed spouse is still in bad pain even years down the road. If you cut your losses and divorce, in just six months you are well down your new path and new life. You will still hurt, but your new direction gives you new goals, new friends, new perspectives, new jobs, new homes, new everything. When you make that decision to move on, it's like you have been a swimmer underwater, drowning and not knowing which way the light and air is. Then, you make a firm, final decision, and it's like the swimmer has now seen where to swim to. You swim toward the light. You are still drowning, but now you have a goal. You are not floundering in darkness, but you can put all your energy in to swimming toward the light and air. There's nothing like having a real direction and goal to move toward for easing your pain. Human nature will tell you that divorce will be the most pain, because you don't want to be alone and lonely while your cheating spouse takes off with their new fantasy. I would say it's completely opposite. The pain thrives in your indecision and fear of loneliness, And like I said before, you wouldn't want to miss out on the real person you are supposed to grow old with, would you? I am not advocating divorce for all couples going through this, I just want to make sure you understand that your emotions will make you want to try and hold on to your marriage out of fear and you will think that the path of least pain is staying in a betrayed marriage, when really, divorcing is usually the path with the least amount of overall pain, far less pain usually. It takes years in a betrayed marriage for the mind movies to stop. Wondering if he or she moaned, or rubbed their back as they had sex. Did he kiss her ear, put his tongue in her ear and whisper "I Love you?" Did she or he have a better orgasm than they ever had with you? Would they really tell you the truth if they did, how do you know? How will you feel when you hear a joke about infidelity, or see it in a movie you are both watching? Can you ever be comfortable being around friends and family who know your spouse has been inside another woman, or that your wife was penetrated by another man? If you decide to reconcile, ask all these questions of yourself. Can you be happy again knowing you are with a cheater while realizing that there may be another person out there you would have met and that would have loved and honored you, been faithful to you, and would give you the true love you deserve? Can you handle living without that special, exclusive intimacy that your cheating spouse destroyed forever? Your pain will tell you "yes, I just want my darling back because I want this pain to end and I am afraid to be alone and lonely, facing an unsure life without them". This is pain, fear, and emotion talking, not a person making rational decisions that aren't based in fear and loneliness. Make your decisions with your future mind, not with your emotional, hurting mind. The hurting mind is the one that looks pathetic and weak when it tells you try to beg and cry, grab their feet and beg while they walk out the door. It's the mind that will tell you to win them back by being nice and giving them any and everything, money, your kids, your body....only to have you cursing yourself a couple years later after the pain is gone for losing everything you had to a cheater by trying to buy them back or "nice" them back. Your future mind is the one that sees reality as it really is. It will have you make decisions rationally, not based on fear and pain but for what's best for your future and well being. Remember I said that in ten years you will say to yourself "I wouldn't change a single thing that has happened because it made me who I am now"? That's your future mind and that's what you should be using to make your decisions. 9.) YOUR BEAUTIFUL KIDS!! I am a single father and I have raised two wonderful children for over ten years by myself. My son is now 18 and in college, and my darling daughter is 14 and doing well. Last year, my daughter was crying because she didn't have a Mom and other girls do. Her and I are so close it's beyond words as you parents know. I explained to her that "I wouldn't change a single thing that happened". She asked why, and I explained to her that had I stayed married, her and I surely would not have the exact same relationship we have together now. I told her that I would not have been able to spend and devote so much time to her had there been another parent involved. I asked her if she thought about it, would she really want things to be different than they are now, even in our relationship? She thought about it and said, "No dad, No way" The point I am making is, your children will always be your darlings, no matter if you are married or not. In my case, my relationship as a single dad has brought my children and I as close as can be imagined. I cannot say our relationship would be special in this exact way had I stayed married. I wouldn't trade the gift of raising my children alone for the last ten years for all the money in the world. It has been a real blast having it be just them and me. My children will always know that I stuck it out to raise them, and they will always know how much I love them. Don't stay in a betrayed marriage just because you think your kids will be better off. You may actually end up far closer to them because of a divorce because it does change your relationship to them, often making you closer than you would have ever been with two parents, and that special thing can be the most rewarding feeling in your entire life. I can honestly say, ten years down the road, "I wouldn't change a single thing that has happened over these years if I could". 10.) Your pain will leave, it's really true. The people on this site are at the end of the tunnel, they came through it, and they are now talking to you while you are still in the tunnel. They are telling you to keep your hands on the walls and follow their voices to the daylight. They made it through and you will too. You are not the only person to travel this tunnel, and now you are no longer lost, you have many others who have been right where you are guiding you to the daylight. Listen to them and follow their lead. You too will be on the outside of the tunnel, and you will be guiding other lost, hurting souls through the darkness soon. It feels so good to not hurt anymore, and there's nothing in the world that can stop your pain from dying in time, so feel secure in that knowledge. Good luck.
seibert253 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 ^^^^^^^^^^ No truer words have been spoken This should be required reading for all BS's If I'd read this I probably wouldn't have wasted several weeks at the begging/pleading phase Peace,
Dexter Morgan Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 I enjoy helping others through the pain of infidelity. Here are my personal ten points I like to impart to those going through this nightmare. These are just my opinions and others will have their own. I hope they make you feel better and give you a different perspective. 2.} Just as all betrayed humans find out eventually, YOU WILL HAVE a happy life again in the future. Yep, that's right, even though it doesn't feel like it right now, and seems impossible, you will get up someday and actually smile and feel good about life again I 2nd that!!! Life away from a cheater is WONDERFUL!!! I don't have a steady, but living life, having fun, and don't have to look over my shoulder or live my life in suspicion again. Even if I do find someone else, I won't live in suspicion. If someone cheats in the future, no fretting.....just leaving. 3.) During these horrible times, you absolutely HAVE to take care of yourself and eat well, try to sleep as normally as you can. exactly....divorce has done wonders for my well being. Its like that old Soloflex commercial, "I'm in better shape at 40 than I was at 20". 6.) Do not plead and beg to your cheating spouse to stay with you. too many BS's, I think, do this out of desperation and shock. they can't imagine their family home being torn apart. I did the same thing, although I didn't beg her to stay, she was begging me not to leave. But I had thoughts of trying to stay in the marriage. But as the weeks went by, I thought...."this can't be my life" and I knew what had to be done. 7.) Did you know that your cheating spouse may not be who you were supposed to grow old with? and how sad is the thought of someone growing old with someone that cheated on them and betrayed them in one of the worst ways? 8.) Did you know that divorce, in most cases, IS THE FASTEST WAY for the pain to die? OH SO TRUE!!!!!! spot on with that comment!! Human nature will tell you that divorce will be the most pain, because you don't want to be alone and lonely while your cheating spouse takes off with their new fantasy. I would say it's completely opposite. so would I. The only pain I knew would happen is just doing through the motions of getting rid of her. Spending time getting things ready for the attorney, etc. Not being with my kids on a daily basis was hard, but they see a happier dad and can't wait to see me when its my turn to have them. 9.) YOUR BEAUTIFUL KIDS!! I am a single father and I have raised two wonderful children for over ten years by myself. My son is now 18 and in college, and my darling daughter is 14 and doing well. Last year, my daughter was crying because she didn't have a Mom and other girls do. this sounds all too familiar. I have only missed one event of my oldest son and it was because I was out of town on business. I talked to him about it ahead of time and he understood. Contrast from his mother who misses games because she is too busy drinking with her new bf. He has cried on more than one occasion that his mom doesn't care. I'm documenting it all.
Church Bells Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Nwh, Even in the 21st Century, in some places in the good ole U.S.A., for a white woman to have sex with a black man is almost the worst possible thing she could do. The only thing worse is to cheat on her white husband and children, with a Black man. Shunning, and intimidation and shame for the kids, contempt and ridicule for the Husband, bitter hatred, total ostracism, and revulsion for the wife. In many rural areas,The Black man would do well to leave, If found out. And the OP and his family might have to do the same. I have seen this sort of thing happen, from time to time. AHL, You are in a HARD place, there will be no easy solution. You must man-up as never before, for your kids sake and yours. What happens to your wife, shouldn't concern you at all. She deliberately brought your family to this and deserves ALL of the blame. Not you or even the OM. You should have her stay with family or friends, so that her actions won't affect your childrens lives as much. Then, through IC and with the help of clergy and friends, rebuild your self-esteem and pride. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!!!!!!!!! You are a good man, with a horrible wife. My thoughts and best wishes are with your children and you. allhopelost, I can't express how sorry I am that you find yourself in this UNBEARABLE situation. I live in an area just like boldjack describes above, and it appears that you do too. With that simple FACT ... your options are severely limited. To be perfectly blunt, to preserve your dignity and self-respect ... your best option is to have your W leave the marital home. Divorce is the likely solution, but in the interim, she needs to leave and face her humiliation ALONE. In a rural area, there are just some things that a MAN can't forgive and keep his dignity and reputation intact, and your W engaging in an interracial A tops the list. We don't have to like it or even agree with it ... but it would take a fool not to ACKNOWLEDGE it. MEN PROTECT their families, and quite frankly, your W, through her OWN actions has removed herself from your family. Its now time to remove her from your home to protect YOURSELF and YOUR CHILDREN from the fallout from HER ACTIONS. Good luck and BE STRONG!!!
scatterd Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I feel so bad for you this is a hurt like no other.She is lucky she has a man like you.This is not your fault this is her mistake.Think about yourself and your kids.I understand how you dont want to start all over again you have put so much into your family.She does not deserve you.You should do what ever you feel is right.I hear of people staying together all the time but they put work into it.In time the pain wont be so bad but she needs to earn your trust again.I wish the best for you and of you need to cry do so.I love a man that can cry it shows they have a heart.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I hope you are doing ok. I have also been betrayed ..... she was having sex with a coworker in a local park as well!!!! I know how you feel, what you are thinking....it seems like it will never get better. I was soooooo obsessed with the mind movies, etc. At 2 years out, I can tell you I am so much better. It did take a lot of work. Now, if you are anything like me you are obsessing about the sex. "The first time they tried I read they couldn't because of his size" Let me give you some perspective on this. A woman can take almost ANY man, more than likely....she wasn't excited if they couldn't do it. That size comment was just the ego stroking bull****. In my case. I am quite well endowed. WW told me that OM was quite the opposite. She told me that OM often joked about it because he was insecure. BUT.....she continued having sex with OM in the park for 3 months! Sex in a car is usually limited, uncomfortable, quick, etc. So, why would my WW have sex with this baby dicked man (that was 15 years older), who had difficulty getting and maintaining erections? The reason my friend, is......it wasn't about the sex. Women will give up sex for validation, which is what she was getting. Can you understand that the size was as INAPPLICABLE in my situation as well as yours? If size was an issue, my WW would have had sex with him once! I know it's painful......but think about it......was your wife unhappy with your size before? I think not, that would have been sorted out before you even got married. No one knows your wife, no one in the world knows her like you do. You know EXACTLY what she likes.....this OM doesn't know ****..... He worked on her with that ....what the hell was it...."you are the star in my sky" ....that is f'ing ridiculous......makes me sick. Sometimes our WW's are just in a place where they WANT to believe it....even though they know it's bull****.
SoAddicted Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Most communities look down on white wives hooking up with black "gang bangers". Don't make it seem like this is very rare and most places don't think like this I don't know about where you or OP lives but where I am "gang bangers" don't keep steady employment. OP stated that WW and AP worked together. What exactly makes AP a "gang banger"? Also I am pretty sure that any WW having an A with a "gang banger" will be looked down on no matter what her race.
mark982 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 sad but true. if he'd been a well dressed person,she could of pulled it off. but a gang banger,no way is she going to be able to live this down.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I The reason my friend, is......it wasn't about the sex. Women will give up sex for validation, which is what she was getting. . This line is so true, I have been preaching this on every thread. Your wife was seeking an EA, she merely had to give up the PA part to keep her gangbanger engaged in the game. If she hadn't, he would have walked away. I agree as well that the commentary was only ego stroking just to keep him giving the EA part that she needed. Gorgeous women will stay and be happy with ugliest, smallest d*****, crappiest lover, overweight, and physically repulsive men just because of the way the man makes her feel....the emotional part of it. Actually men are the superficial ones, so don't assume that your wife was using the typical male standards to judge whether or not she liked this guy. In a way she painted herself into a corner with the EA part and was compelled to do the rest. Additionally, from a point of view as being the OM, once she gave it up the challenge was completed so he moved on.
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