boldjack Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Tami, do you understand the meaning of the term,"pep talk"? OP, Withdrawing, feeling sad, and shaken are all natural reactions to what has happened to you. To sit around and dwell on her will not help and more importantly will not help you. You need to be positive and strong, for yourself and for your children. You have done nothing wrong, and can take pride at being a good husband and man. You WILL love again, and You WIL Lhave happiness and trust. You can make it. Go to Individual counseling for help, talk to your clergy,talk to your friends and family, build your own support group. What has happened to you, has happened to many others, they survived and you will too.
tami-chan Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 I understand what "pep talk" means, thanks. He can still do all that you want him to do without being impulsive and thoughtless...he can be deliberate and thoughtful-taking time does not equal "sulking and feeling sorry for one's self"...
boldjack Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Tami, Did I , in any posts, say he should be impulsive? Show me where!...... I said that he should act quickly. I never said anywhere that he should act in a negative manner,without thinking. NEVER! You condemned my posts without giving them fair consideration , I thought better of you.:(
misternoname Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Dude, if you forgive her, you will have this in your mind for the rest of your married life. It will not go away, and will only get worse with time. Everyday when you see her , you will remember, everytime you touch her , it will be with revulsion. Yo did nothing to deserve this, but only you can fix it, by divorcing her worthless ass. Those people who tell you to take your time, aren't the ones to listen to. You need your anger and revulsion, to motivate you . Also you may have noticed, the ones who counsel waiting, either still are in cheating marriages or have been in multiple cheating marriages. Do you listen to those, who have made the same mistakes over and over again, or do you Listen to the people, for whom once was enough, and took control of their lives and their children's lives , with pride and determination? It's your choice, you can take the cowardly way or you can reject this cheater, and be a man of honor. Worry about dating later, but I'm sure that if you take command now, you will feel better about yourself, and have the self-confidence to find a good woman. You're wife is no-good and will never be the woman you married, ever again. Man-up and fight back!! So true so true! My ex wife's affairs haunted me daily. Her suggestion was to forget about it...unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Move on buddy otherwise be prepared to have a vision of them banging in the car every friggin' day! I hung in there for a long time. Now that I'm free I'm finally at peace. Enjoying life 2.0 with a sweet, loyal woman. They exist!
seibert253 Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Allhope, How are you holding up? Any updates? Post here. We are here to help. We may disagree on what WE feel you should do, but we are here to listen and for you to lean on.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 AllHope There is some merit in the words of those that tell you that you will probably have to leave your wife. This may be true. However, I would like to remind you, that even though she has betrayed you and acted in horrible ways...she is the mother of your children, and until you found this out it appeared that you though highly of her. so what? people that knew Mohammed Atta never would have dreamed he would have been the leader in an attack that killed over 3000 people either. Its called being deceived. he thought highly of her because she fooled him. He never really knew her. If not, then do what you have to do...but remember...you do not have to sink to her level. Getting an attorney and taking care of yourself and the children can be done in a respectful manner that does not degrade her. Yeah...I know what these guys will say...she didn't treat you with respect...and see how you feel...you feel sick..so why be disrespectful now. I don't think he has to go out of his way to purposely be disrespectful, and he should hold himself to a higher standard than her. But when the situation presents itself, he does not OWE her any respect. He just shouldn't aggressively show disrespect when its not called for.
Author allhopelost Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 I have finally talked to a pastor friend of mine. Needless to say it is the most humiliating experience of my life. I have finally eaten and slept, am at work today but still just going through the motions. I found where W threw out several more notes I didn't know about and I think that it is a positive step. I still can't help but feel that with her working in the same company as the OM is going to be counterproductive. I am looking forward to what the counseler has to say. I am suspicious that therer may have been another before this one, as I found the notepad she used to compose the notes to this guy. There is one that I can read the pencil tracings that says "Dear (name)" with a heart outline at the bottom of the page. The name is not the same as the OM's. I can make out June 22 2009 date on the paper which is over a month prior to her involvement to this guy. I asked her and she said she never dated any of her notes and has never cheated on me previously... I checked the calander and there was overtime starting that week at her work (supposedly). I am hoping that she will put effort into becoming truethfull abd believable and that the MC will help with that. Thank you all for your responses. I will continue to update.
boldjack Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 AHL, It's great that you are starting to take control of your situation. By working with your pastor, and accumulating evidence of your wife's cheating, your are no longer playing the victim, and on your way to recovering your self-respect and lost honor. The one thing that you should never do, is to believe your wife. She is a lying cheater and possibly a serial cheater. Do not trust her at all. Think only of your kids and yourself. I'm really glad that you are starting to build your support network. By all means, update us on your progress. I'm with you, Dude.
Devil Inside Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 I don't think he has to go out of his way to purposely be disrespectful, and he should hold himself to a higher standard than her. But when the situation presents itself, he does not OWE her any respect. He just shouldn't aggressively show disrespect when its not called for. Agreed...he doesn't owe her anything.
Devil Inside Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 I have finally talked to a pastor friend of mine. Needless to say it is the most humiliating experience of my life. I have finally eaten and slept, am at work today but still just going through the motions. I found where W threw out several more notes I didn't know about and I think that it is a positive step. I still can't help but feel that with her working in the same company as the OM is going to be counterproductive. I am looking forward to what the counseler has to say. I am suspicious that therer may have been another before this one, as I found the notepad she used to compose the notes to this guy. There is one that I can read the pencil tracings that says "Dear (name)" with a heart outline at the bottom of the page. The name is not the same as the OM's. I can make out June 22 2009 date on the paper which is over a month prior to her involvement to this guy. I asked her and she said she never dated any of her notes and has never cheated on me previously... I checked the calander and there was overtime starting that week at her work (supposedly). I am hoping that she will put effort into becoming truethfull abd believable and that the MC will help with that. Thank you all for your responses. I will continue to update. Good to hear you are alive over there. Seems like she may still be holding out information on you. Make a list of questions and bring it with you to MC.
Athena Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 I am suspicious that therer may have been another before this one, as I found the notepad she used to compose the notes to this guy. There is one that I can read the pencil tracings that says "Dear (name)" with a heart outline at the bottom of the page. The name is not the same as the OM's. I can make out June 22 2009 date on the paper which is over a month prior to her involvement to this guy. I asked her and she said she never dated any of her notes and has never cheated on me previously... I checked the calander and there was overtime starting that week at her work (supposedly). Ugh! Sounds like you just discovered the tip of the iceberg there... I agree with BoldJack, do NOT trust her at all... keep on asking questions until you get to the Truth.
Bleeve Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Read this part back to yourself over and over again .........."I am hoping that she will put effort into becoming truthfull and believable and that the MC will help with that." She has been caught and is still lying to you.....She is your wife and you should not be hoping that she is more truthful with you(She shouldn't be lying to you to begin with) No amount of MC will change a person from a liar and cheater to a person that is not You deserve better. Your kids deserve better
Bryanp Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 I am afraid that it is you that is in the fog. Please get tested for STD's. The behavior that your wife has been engaging in shows that she has absolutely no respect for you and could care less how she has totally humiliated you and put your heath at risk. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
Author allhopelost Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 Jst F'N great - found out he took pics of them while her face was planted in a pillow. W said she didnt know but suspected. Still went back for more. F'N HELL.
inhindsight Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 OH I am SO sorry about this. It seems to be taking a turn for the worse. This is most unfortunate. How did it come to light? Your W needs to 'fess up EVERYTHING. Now is the time to force her to divulge absolutely everything. The last thing you need are more ugly surprises. Does your wife know that you spoke with your pastor friend? Maybe her knowing that you are willing to talk to outsiders about this will cause her to become more forthcoming. Maybe scare her into reality.
hopesndreams Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 You know she cheated and only you can decide how much info you can stand. Do you want to know all the details? You don't have to. Unless you have a strong stomach and mind, don't even go there. The best thing and the only thing is to get rid. Get tested. This is imperative.
tami-chan Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Tami, Did I , in any posts, say he should be impulsive? Show me where!...... I said that he should act quickly. I never said anywhere that he should act in a negative manner,without thinking. NEVER! You condemned my posts without giving them fair consideration , I thought better of you.:( Boldjack..I do believe you said for him not to listen to those who advised him to take time - thus to wait- until he has better control of his emotions...you told him not to listen to "those people"-you told him to use his anger and revulsion and in short, to "man up"... To me the things you suggested mean these: 1) Do not wait, do what you need to do NOW-while you are still angry, repulse and broken. Which could only mean, he will be acting on emotions and will likely be impulsive. 2) That he has not been man enough ... I am sorry, Boldjack but: 1) Taking time to have more control about your emotions and be able to process what "just happened" does NOT mean-he is being encouraged to curl up in a fetal position, crying and letting himself go...the suggestion was for him to take time , process his emotions, not to do anything impulsive...take stock of himself and of what happened....him going to the pastor is "taking his time" to come out of the filthy quagmire of his wife's cheating... 2) I understand talking down to him is a form of "tough love", but you do not know him. I remember, I said some "tough love" type advise here some time ago and I was slammed for it...I re-examined by position and realized, I shoudn't have said that since I didn't know the poster personally. Lesson learned.
tami-chan Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 At any rate, I am done....this thread actually "sounds" very much like another thread....hmmm... DNUI, is that you again? Just asking.
LifesontheUp Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Don't log on here much, but everytime I do TC there you are having a pop at other posters. Whats wrong with you? Wheres your support? You claim others don't give support.....take a good look at yourself Allhopelost - its sounds like your wife is witholding info from you. Personally I didn't put up with cheating in my marriage, and what hurt the most of all was the continued lies to cover up what he had done. Eventually he came clean but it was too late in my eyes. What I would advise is caution here and don't make any rash decisions until you are clearer in your mind, everything is too new at the moment. Work with the pastor and take comfort from friends and family at this time. I wish you luck. You are on one hell of a ride, but believe me there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Author allhopelost Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 We are getting ready to go to counseling this morning and the realization of it has brought on a wave of nausea. I genuinely love my W, and I held her last night when we went to sleep. I honestly believe in my heart that i have the capacity to forgive, but accepting this is really going to be hard. i am meeting with my pastor friend today after the MC. He has counseled many of his parishioners in this area and has another pastor friend who left the job of preaching to his calling to work with married couples having problems. He schedules retreats for married couples and ministers to them. I know it sounds corny but i am starting to feel a little it of hope. I just hope that there are no additional details i am unprepared for surface today at MC. Thank you all who have posted. I envy some of the thoughts and suggestions on how to handle this. Most of them just aren't me.
Katerina Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 I'm so glad you have someone to talk to. I wish you all the best. The main thing, in my opinion, is for your wife to have true remorse and her desire and will to improve your relationship.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 We are getting ready to go to counseling this morning and the realization of it has brought on a wave of nausea. I genuinely love my W, and I held her last night when we went to sleep. I honestly believe in my heart that i have the capacity to forgive, but accepting this is really going to be hard. i am meeting with my pastor friend today after the MC. He has counseled many of his parishioners in this area and has another pastor friend who left the job of preaching to his calling to work with married couples having problems. He schedules retreats for married couples and ministers to them. I know it sounds corny but i am starting to feel a little it of hope. I just hope that there are no additional details i am unprepared for surface today at MC. Thank you all who have posted. I envy some of the thoughts and suggestions on how to handle this. Most of them just aren't me. That isn't love... its some kind of sick desperation. Have some self respect! You want to save your marriage. I get that... but your going about it the wrong way. If you want it to work, you are going to have to change how you act. If you act like a girl she is going to treat you like one. Do you want her to stay with you because she pities you? Or because she wants you? Balls in your court.
65tr6 Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 I just hope that there are no additional details i am unprepared for surface today at MC. allhopelost, as someone who went through this a year ago....I felt very similar to what you are feeling...HOWEVER, You need to get your act together. Tackle this head on. First, make sure your wife is remorseful for what she has done...that the A is completely dead. (this will take time to confirm). Find out everything you want to know about the A from your wife...at home..not at the MC. I understand you love your wife but not at any cost. This is too early for you. You are in a state of total shock. You need to grieve. Your wife will see how much she hurt you. All this is not going to happen overnight. It takes weeks/months before you start the recovery.
Author allhopelost Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Well I believe I have finally gotten all the details. She is going through some serious self loathing and feels pretty worthless. I really don't know if I can get past this. My feelings of inadequacies are so much worse now than I have ever felt in my life, and that has always been one of my most self loathing qualities. I honestly don't believe any woman would/could love me in that way ever again, as I don't believe I could handle the rejection and humiliation. I wish I could say I felt better but I cannot. I have a very rampant imagination and somehow not knowing, I believe, would have been worse, although I don't know how mush worse I could possibly feel at this moment. I have IC next week and perhaps that will help, idk. There appears to be no defining moment that she decided she was going to cheat on me. The whole interatial element is like a nightmare that wont go away. We live in an extremely isolated community where this could ruin a persons reputation to the point of shunning. I am scared to death that my children will find out through their friends at school and be humilated and picked on. There are so many dynamics to this damn mess that I am really struggling with what to do.
NowhereToHide Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Well I believe I have finally gotten all the details. She is going through some serious self loathing and feels pretty worthless. I really don't know if I can get past this. My feelings of inadequacies are so much worse now than I have ever felt in my life, and that has always been one of my most self loathing qualities. I honestly don't believe any woman would/could love me in that way ever again, as I don't believe I could handle the rejection and humiliation. I wish I could say I felt better but I cannot. I have a very rampant imagination and somehow not knowing, I believe, would have been worse, although I don't know how mush worse I could possibly feel at this moment. I have IC next week and perhaps that will help, idk. There appears to be no defining moment that she decided she was going to cheat on me. The whole interatial element is like a nightmare that wont go away. We live in an extremely isolated community where this could ruin a persons reputation to the point of shunning. I am scared to death that my children will find out through their friends at school and be humilated and picked on. There are so many dynamics to this damn mess that I am really struggling with what to do. I'm sorry you're going through all of this. You need to keep reminding yourself, though, that her cheating is NOT a reflection on you. It's a reflection on HER. IC should help you process your thoughts and feelings about all of this, and your ability to move forward and to trust someone again. Don't stop counseling until you feel like you've made progress. It's going to take time. I'm a little confused about your last paragraph. Are you saying that you could be shunned and your kids will be humiliated and picked on because your wife had an affair with an African-American? Or just because of the affair?
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