just found out about wifes affair

[allhopelost]

I discovered two day ago that my wife of 19 years was having an illicit affair with a gang banger where she works. At first she denied it but i had the phone records, which prompted me to snoop, and found @ 50 notes between them. Most of them were really sexually charged and I want to throw up just thinking of some of the things that I read.

Needless to say my ego has been completely destroyed and all feelings of disire have taken their leave. I feel like I want to crawl up into a ball and die, crying constantly and cant get the images of them together out of my head.

Their affair started at work, where he dropped her a note telling her how beautiful she was, that she was a "star in his sky" and that he could show her things no average man could and take her places where she only dreamed about. I wont bore you with the details as they are too painfull to write.

I found where they would go after work at a local park and have sex in his car. She insisted that they used condoms, but there was no evidence around the spot they parked. I dont believe her. The first time they tried I read they couldn't because of his size. I want to vomit.

She tells me bigger isn't always better, and I had to resist snapping back that only when it wasnt your husband it isnt better.

if it had been me that broke the fidelity she would throw me out without a second thought.

I don't know if I will ever beable to make love to her again. I am really struggling with this. For the first time in my life I couldn't stand the smell of her. I am trying to forgive her, but these damn images of him and her together wont leave my mind.

Ihave been unable to sleep or eat for over three days.

I feel like such a fool, like I am not a real man. I cant even satisfy my wife enough to keep her from cheating. She has been intimate with him more than me the last two months, even getting a hotel and telling me she was at a friends house for coffee. We also have kids.

I have resisted calling her all the names i want to shout at her in fear of doing irreperable harm to whatever we may be able to salvage.

I really do not have it in me to look for another life partner and feel likke i would rateher die than go through the whole dating scene again. I feel like there is no hope for me. I can't even go to wok I am such a mess.

 

Will I ever feel again? Will I be able to get over this? Can I ever hope to feel happy and trusting again? Will I ever laugh again? I don't know how I can go on. We are supposed to see a marraige counseler in two days. She has old me that she is truely sorry and wants to try and make it work.

Do I insist that she find another job to get away from him?

I am sorry but all I can seem to do is ramble about it. I have no clarity of mind. I havent slept or eaten for three days.

I just cry.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't know if I will ever beable to make love to her again. I am really struggling with this. For the first time in my life I couldn't stand the smell of her. I am trying to forgive her, but these damn images of him and her together wont leave my mind.

Ihave been unable to sleep or eat for over three days.

 

Why do you need to forgive her now?

 

I think right now you need your anger. It's the only thing that may get you through.

 

I have resisted calling her all the names i want to shout at her in fear of doing irreperable harm to whatever we may be able to salvage.

I really do not have it in me to look for another life partner and feel likke i would rateher die than go through the whole dating scene again. I feel like there is no hope for me. I can't even go to wok I am such a mess.

 

Are you serious? You think this is the best you can hope for in life?

 

Cmon... what your going through SUCKS, but pull yourself together.

 

Women are attracted to MEN... so you need to relearn how to act like one. You can start by kicking your wife out. Right now your acting like your so afraid to lose her that she can treat you any way she wants. That means she stays with you out of PITY. I can't think of 1 woman who would want a man like that.

 

Find your spine... then maybe you can win your wife back.

 

I havent slept or eaten for three days.

I just cry.

 

Stop Crying!

 

This is time for you to 1. Read 2. Take Hard Actions!

[hopeful1980]

It's not your fault.

 

If I were you, I'd tell her off. Get it off your chest. It's no worse than what she did to you. It might not solve your problems, but it may make you feel a little bit better.

[LakesideDream]

Allhopelost, Yours is not a story new to LS. That does not make it easier to face. Years ago I faced the same realization about my wife of 25 years. While I didn't have the same feelings of revulsions you feel, I knew immediately that to much damage had been done to continue the relationship.

 

You have nothing to beat yourself up about. It's not penis size, it's affair fog. You wife has fallen in love with another man. It's not about you not satisfying her, it's her responsibility for not communicating her needs allowing you to try and meet them.

 

Do you still believe that your relationship with your wife can be repaired? If you do, there are many sites, and much information on this site about the tactics you can employ.

 

If you believe in your gut that "it's over" that you will not be able to trust her, or respect her in the future it's time to start planning your exit. It's a shame you have children that will have to live with this right along with their parents. None of it is their fault. They are innocent. Sadly they will be victims of the actions of their parents.

 

There is no cure for what you are going through. My only advice is to see a doc for help sleeping and force yourself to eat. Your children need you healthy to face this. Try and stay busy. I realize this is hollow advice when it feels like your life has just been flushed down the toilet, but it's the only advice that matters.

 

There are many who have read your post and can feel your pain. This crap is no picnic. I hope is that it works out. Start building your stamina and strength today. You will need it no matter what route your "recovery" takes.

 

Good Luck.

[Devil Inside]

All Hope...I am so sorry brother. I know it hurts. I know you can't get the images and words out of your mind. I know your world has been turned upside down.

 

Please know that discovering a spouses infidelity is a traumatic event. Different responses can be expected and what you are going through is not unusual. You have been traumatized.

 

I would recommend that at least for now you recognize that you are physically operating from a panicked state and your nervous system is on overload. It would be very helpful to go see a professional that can help you get stable and to start sorting through all your emotions and what it all means.

 

Do not make any impulsive decisions...even by tomorrow or next week you could regret them. So not make decisions based on you feeling how you feel today as an indication as how you will always feel...you won't. Do not endlessly pump your wife for information that you think will make you feel better...it might not.

 

You will get a lot of feedback on some things do in the aftermath. I would like to suggest some things that may be helpful right now, while everything is still raw. These things are recommended with the big picture in mind. Even if you decide you want to leave your wife...doing these things will at least allow you to minimize the damage that can be done to you and your wife right now while you are both vulnerable. If you decide to stay married, she will look back at how you handled this with admiration.

 

I recommend these things as someone with a lot of hats when it comes to infidelity. I was cheated on by my wife...more than once. I have cheated on my wife. I am also a therapist..and have worked with couples in these situations.

 

First thing to do is to really sit down and focus on what is going on with you. I know it is hard because your mind is all over and mostly focused on her and her actions...but you need to identify what is going on with you. Maybe sit down with a notebook and pen...away from all distractions. You are going to want to make three lists.

 

1. List your major feelings and try to link them to what you're thinking. So really think about what it is you're feeling...is it anger, is it fear, is it sadness or maybe numbness? Once you can figure this out connect it to something in specific. For example..."I am so afraid that I will lose my wife." Or, "I feel great shame for having my wife cheat on me with someone like that." This will help you to sort out what is happening with you.

 

2. Next list the beliefs or views about your partner, your relationship, or yourself that have been questioned or destroyed as a result of the affair. For example.."I can no longer believe a word she says." Or, "I have always feared that I was not enough for her...and now this confirms it." This will help you top clarify how much of an impact this has had in your life.

 

3. List the ways that you have started behaving differently towards her that might get in the way of recovery or even make things worse. For example..."I yell at her." "I have started to call her a whore." "I refuse to talk to her at all." Not that you are not expected to feel this way...or that it would be out of the ordinary for you to react like this...but it is good to be mindful of how you are behaving towards her so that you can see if this is really helpful.

 

Good luck man. I know your world is upside down. It won't always be like that.

[JumpinJimmy]

UF, give the guy a break he just found out. AHL, do you have anyone you can talke to about this in person? Find someone who will listen and vent to them..it will help. You need the OWl.

[Katerina]

I just discovered this forum... I agree with one of the previous posters - it's too early... Don't make any decisions right now. I don't have any other advice, unfortunately. I remember that time very well - I was sick to my stomach too. I lost 14 lbs in 2 months, I was such a mess! That was 2 years ago... What I want to say is just give it some time.. I know it's hard, but there's really nothing you could do right now to make you feel better. Talk to your wife.. see what she has to say, what does she want to do now? Is she still seeing him? I'm very sorry for what you're going through. Just know that no matter the outcome, the pain WILL subside, eventually. It won't be always unbearable like it is now.

 

P.S. She didn't have an affair because you were not perfect. It wasn't your fault.

Edited October 6, 2009 by Katerina

[inhindsight]

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling.

 

Please know that you did NOTHING that would cause your wife to betray you. It is her own issues/problems/insecurities that caused her to act selfishly.

 

It is NOT your fault.

[Athena]

Hi Allhopelost,

 

I am sorry you are going through this difficult time. Just reading your post made me feel unhappy, and reminded me of the HELL one goes through after D-Day!

 

Having been through what you are now experiencing, please take this message from me to you -- no matter what, it is NOT YOUR fault your wife has chosen to betray you! It's not because you were not enough. It's not because you are lacking in anything that drove her into an affair... that was her own doing, her own decision, and if anything, shows a selfish desire on her part to risk her marriage for her temporary escapism.

 

Her f**king a man in his car at the local park is not so wonderful or romantic. It shows a willingness on her side to stoop to seediness and poor choice in her behavior to do what she knew in her heart was going to hurt you. Please take care of yourself, first and foremost. Refuse to accept any blame for her decision to cheat on you.

 

BTW, for what its worth, you are reacting in a Typical and Normal way at finding out about being betrayed... chin up, you are only human... and your heart feels broken now.

[Dexter Morgan]

Will I ever feel again?

 

Yes...you will.....just not with your so-called wife.

 

 

Will I be able to get over this?

 

no...if she'll screw a gang banger, she'll screw anyone.

 

 

Can I ever hope to feel happy and trusting again?

 

yes, by divorcing her worthless ass and finding a decent woman.

 

pack her bags for her and tell her to go live with her gang banger.

 

 

Will I ever laugh again? I don't know how I can go on. We are supposed to see a marraige counseler in two days. She has old me that she is truely sorry and wants to try and make it work.

 

oh sure she does....she wanted her fetish gang banger...got her fill, and NOW wants to work it out.

 

 

Do I insist that she find another job to get away from him?

 

no, you tell her to go live with him. Better yet, pack her belongings, go to their work, hand him her bags and say, "here, you want to #%&! her, then you take care of her and let her live with you"

 

really dude, do you think you can look at her face from day to day and not want to vomit? You will NEVER forget what she did and who she did it with. Those visions will always be there. And if you think she would just break contact with him and never see him again.....you are fooling yourself.

 

Do you have kids? either way, but especially if not, get rid of her. She is nasty. Let the gang banger have her, use her, then throw her to the side when he gets his next conquest.

[samspade]

Dude, stop blaming yourself. She's a skanky, slutty whore and you need to drop her from your life 100%. Don't waste your money on a marriage counselor. Get out and get out now!! Save your dignity. Find a 20 year old and bang her. You'll feel better in time.

[Devil Inside]

AllHope

 

There is some merit in the words of those that tell you that you will probably have to leave your wife. This may be true. However, I would like to remind you, that even though she has betrayed you and acted in horrible ways...she is the mother of your children, and until you found this out it appeared that you though highly of her.

 

It really does not matter if this guy was a gang banger or the pope...it's not about him, it's not about you, it is about her. There is something wrong with her, and you need to decide if you are willing to stay around while she works through this.

 

If not, then do what you have to do...but remember...you do not have to sink to her level. Getting an attorney and taking care of yourself and the children can be done in a respectful manner that does not degrade her.

 

Yeah...I know what these guys will say...she didn't treat you with respect...and see how you feel...you feel sick..so why be disrespectful now. Whether you are ending or continuing this marriage, do it with class, you will be thankful you did.

[Bryanp]

If you believe that your wife and this gangbanger were only using condoms in a parked car then you are deluding yourself. Do not be intimate with her until both of you get tested for STD's. I really think she has put your health at great risk. You need to contact an attorney to understand your options. How can you be proud of a wife who screws her lowlife boyfriend after work in a car in a parking time and again? Surely you deserve better than this.

[seibert253]

First; is she still involved with this dude, or has the A ended? I she remorseful about what she's done? If it hasn't you need to give her the ultimatum; me or him, choose.

 

If it's over a couple of things need to happen:

1. she needs to send him a NC letter/email, and you need to read this before she sends it. It is short and to the point. "I'm choosing to remain with my husband, never contact me again" That's it.

2. She needs to be totally transparent with you about everything, what she's doing, where she's at, and you need unfiltered access to all computers, emails, and cellphones

3. MC and IC for both of you

4. If they work together, she needs to find another job

These are not up for negotiation. Let her these things will help rebuild the trust she's shattered. Make sure you tell her whether or not you remain married is no longer up to her, but it's up to you. But her actions will go a long way toward your decision.

 

If it's not over, then do these:

1. Find out who the OM is, I think you already know because they work together

2. If he has a W or GF, find out who she is and let her know what's been going on. Once a BW puts the smackdown on the WH, chances are he'll throw your wife under the bus

3. I'm sure the bosses at their work will be interested to know what the two of them are involved in. Is any of this going on during work. Tell their bosses what's going on

4. Does her family, friends, know what's going on. Nothing kills an affair quicker that exposure. Affairs flurish in darkness and secrecy and die once exposed to the light.

5. Contact an Attorney and protect your interests. If need be file and have her served.

6. If none of these stop what she's doing, then out the door she goes. When she comes home from work, her things are out in the driveway and the locks to the home are changed.

 

Oh, read up, learn and start the 180.

 

She no longer has any say on whether this marriage survives, this is totally up to you.

 

Give yourself time before making any longlasting decisions. Time is on your side, and time will heal.

 

Most of all, take care of yourself physically and mentally. If you haven't started IC, then do so.

 

Take care and keep up updated. We are here for you.

[boldjack]

Dude, if you forgive her, you will have this in your mind for the rest of your married life. It will not go away, and will only get worse with time. Everyday when you see her , you will remember, everytime you touch her , it will be with revulsion. Yo did nothing to deserve this, but only you can fix it, by divorcing her worthless ass. Those people who tell you to take your time, aren't the ones to listen to. You need your anger and revulsion, to motivate you . Also you may have noticed, the ones who counsel waiting, either still are in cheating marriages or have been in multiple cheating marriages. Do you listen to those, who have made the same mistakes over and over again, or do you Listen to the people, for whom once was enough, and took control of their lives and their children's lives , with pride and determination? It's your choice, you can take the cowardly way or you can reject this cheater, and be a man of honor. Worry about dating later, but I'm sure that if you take command now, you will feel better about yourself, and have the self-confidence to find a good woman. You're wife is no-good and will never be the woman you married, ever again. Man-up and fight back!!

[Devil Inside]

Dude, if you forgive her, you will have this in your mind for the rest of your married life. It will not go away, and will only get worse with time. Everyday when you see her , you will remember, everytime you touch her , it will be with revulsion. Yo did nothing to deserve this, but only you can fix it, by divorcing her worthless ass. Those people who tell you to take your time, aren't the ones to listen to. You need your anger and revulsion, to motivate you . Also you may have noticed, the ones who counsel waiting, either still are in cheating marriages or have been in multiple cheating marriages. Do you listen to those, who have made the same mistakes over and over again, or do you Listen to the people, for whom once was enough, and took control of their lives and their children's lives , with pride and determination? It's your choice, you can take the cowardly way or you can reject this cheater, and be a man of honor. Worry about dating later, but I'm sure that if you take command now, you will feel better about yourself, and have the self-confidence to find a good woman. You're wife is no-good and will never be the woman you married, ever again. Man-up and fight back!!

 

You're right Boldjack...we do give advice based on where we are coming from. I know I do...I base my advice on my personal experience and on my professional experience.

 

I also agree that he may very well need to divorce her. However, right now while he is in shambles and crying I do not think he will make the best decision. Yes he speaks of anger and revulsion...but the overall tone of his post says hurt much more.

 

I would never tell someone that they should stay with a cheater...because that is what I am doing, or because that is what my wife is doing. I'm just saying he should wait until he has a better grip on his emotions and can make rational decisions, and handle things the right way.

 

No matter what happens he and his wife are connected by those children. What she did was horrible...however does that mean she has no right to her kids...nope. So he needs to handle this with class, because at the very least they will be coparents.

[boldjack]

Sorry Di, but I disagree. The OP needs to act now while this is fresh and her despicable behavior is still evident. The longer he waits the more drama, she will exert to get him to do what SHE wants. She is the type to use the children to force him to stay in what I can only describe as "marriage Hell". He must stand up to her , make all of this public, and take control, as soon as possible.

[hopesndreams]

Will I ever feel again? Will I be able to get over this? Can I ever hope to feel happy and trusting again? Will I ever laugh again? I don't know how I can go on.

 

Yes, you can, just as long as you end the M with your cheating W. Go back through the 19 years you had with her and can you honestly say this was the first time she cheated? She betrayed you because of some note from a co-worker that says "you're beautiful". A star in the sky huh? She fell for a line that like? Doesn't take much for some I suppose.

 

She's still working with him. She will continue to see him. It's only been a few days since you found out and without a doubt, no matter what she says, she is still fooling around with him. Sorry. That's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth.

 

As long as you stay with her, the feelings of revulsion will just grow. You will not heal. Is it worth it to stay with someone who has done the unthinkable and has hurt you so terribly? No. You owe her nothing. Toss her out. Save yourself more years of agony. Take the pain you have now, live with it and feel it lessen over time but that can only happen when she is out of your life, for good.

[NowhereToHide]

Sorry Di, but I disagree. The OP needs to act now while this is fresh and her despicable behavior is still evident. The longer he waits the more drama, she will exert to get him to do what SHE wants. She is the type to use the children to force him to stay in what I can only describe as "marriage Hell". He must stand up to her , make all of this public, and take control, as soon as possible.

 

 

Boldjack, didn't you have an affair? Or multiple affairs? (I apologize if I'm getting your story mixed up with someone else).

 

If it is you that had an affair, how could you be so sure about what he should do when your wife forgave you and gave you a second chance?

[boldjack]

NWH I have been forgiven so many times, that confession is a waste of time. I was betrayed by my fiance from HS, she only did it once, but I took control, used her for a few months and threw her away. It was only after that, that I began to womanize. But that is thread-jacking. This OP needs, more than anything to regain his self-worth, his honor, and his pride. He can only do this by kicking his"wife", to the curb. She must be made to know that she has "0", power over him. OP use your anger, use your pride, rebuild yourself, take care of your kids, and forget about her, she is nothing.

[Devil Inside]

Sorry Di, but I disagree. The OP needs to act now while this is fresh and her despicable behavior is still evident. The longer he waits the more drama, she will exert to get him to do what SHE wants. She is the type to use the children to force him to stay in what I can only describe as "marriage Hell". He must stand up to her , make all of this public, and take control, as soon as possible.

 

Hey man...this is the beauty of the site...different perspectives. We will have to agree to disagree on this one.

 

OP..do take to heart what Boldjack says about regaining yourself. You are inthe drivers seat now...choose wisely.

[inhindsight]

I think that what needs to be done is a combination of many suggestions here.

 

OP needs to make it clear that if his WW wants to make things right, she will have to do it HIS way or the highway. If she is truly repentant, she will relinquish all phone records, etc, write a NC letter, AND QUIT HER JOB.

Understandably, she may have a "good" career and it is not an easy decision to leave a good job. However, if she values her marriage and rebuilding her integrity at all, she will do what it takes.

 

If, and only if, she commits to all these conditions, then OP can rebuild. He may never get over the revulsion, and if this is the case, then perhaps a divorce is upstream.

 

But OP has stated he believes in second chances... so give her a second chance but remove all the smoke screens first. Do NOT give a second chance WITH FAITH AND TRUST based on her word only. She needs to demonstrate her remorse and re-commitment by being subjected to "inspection".

 

If she does not agree....then she is not ready to change... and you will have to decide from there if you will kick her out.

[tami-chan]

Boldjack, wow..how disappointing...Haste makes waste. The OP is nowhere near making prudent, thoughtful decisions-no matter how angry and repulse he is...

 

And I think comparing your GF in HIGH SCHOOL's betrayal to a betrayal in an almost a two decade long marriage is frankly, a stretch, if not, ridiculous.

 

I don't know if you missed what he said more than once...he wants to DIE. He feels HOPELESS. His emotions are all turned in towards him...he is not eating, not sleeping and he wants to die.

 

People need to be careful in egging this man to take his anger and do something about it and "be a man". People who feel they have nothing to live for do drastic things-I hope you guys are taking that into consideration. He needs to be told:"take a deep breath...be still for moment... IN TIME you will feel better...."

 

Sorry, boldjack..I think your emotion got the better of you...

 

I agree, with Devil Inside...Allhopelost, read and re-read Devil Inside's posts. He knows what he is talking about.

[boldjack]

Tami, Betrayal is betrayal, whether it's two years or ten. If you are disappointed in me, I'm sorry for that, but I still have to disagree with the notion of waiting. This poster has been crushed, his pride, his self-esteem, his trust and his honor have been savagely ripped from him. Of course he is sad, of course he is lost, This is probably the worst thing that has ever happened to him. But how is waiting beneficial? Will he be any less dishonored, will she be any less of a cheater if he waits? No. Nothing will change, unless he changes it. Op , you must take action to protect yourself and your children. First, get tested for STD's, second , move her out of your house, third see a lawyer, and fourth, never,ever trust her again. I am trying to show you that to be proactive isn't wrong, and to use your feelings to sustain yourself, for the struggle ahead. There is no reason to be unpleasant or cruel, or violent , she will suffer enough , when she sees, you are taking charge and how she has lost an honest, brave, good man. You CAN rebuild your self-respect, and you CAN look to a brighter future. It will take time and work, but you can do it. :)

[tami-chan]

But how is waiting beneficial?

 

It is beneficial because he will not do things that he might regret...making a huge, important decision on what you want to do while you are distraught and hopeless is a recipe for disaster. This is just unbelievable that you would encourage anyone to make a decision when he is still 'seeing" red. Frankly, the suggestion is irresponsible.

 

Will he be any less dishonored, will she be any less of a cheater if he waits? No. Nothing will change, unless he changes it.

You are right, he will still be dishonored, she will still be a cheat...no matter if he waits or acts now. The difference is, if he acts now while he is angry,repulse, hopeless, broken and it turns out to be a bad decision...he(or anybody else) might not be able to undo the decision...

 

Op , you must take action to protect yourself and your children. First, get tested for STD's, second , move her out of your house, third see a lawyer, and fourth, never,ever trust her again.

 

You don't understand, people who are hopeless and want to die..do not do these things...these are things that clear-thinking people do...

 

I am trying to show you that to be proactive isn't wrong, and to use your feelings to sustain yourself, for the struggle ahead. There is no reason to be unpleasant or cruel, or violent , she will suffer enough , when she sees, you are taking charge and how she has lost an honest, brave, good man. You CAN rebuild your self-respect, and you CAN look to a brighter future. It will take time and work, but you can do it. :)

and the above is all good...but to get there he needs to be able to channel the anger into something proactive and positive for himself. He needs to take a moment..to stop...take stock of his feelings...work through them. What you suggested earlier was impulsive and yes, irresponsible.