bec_batty Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Hello everyone, I'm new, my name is Bec and I've been on the boards for a while but haven't posted yet. I could really do with some insight and support due to my current situation. From the beginning. I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years, we met at school over ten years ago and have somehow ended up living together as boyfriend and girlfriend. He's in the forces and has a past of multiple partners and lots of online sex. He knew when we got together that I needed (and expected) him to be faithful to me. Last August (2008) I found on his computer that he'd be having cybersex with various women and the conversations involved them discussing meeting up although when I confronted him he claimed this didn't happen and he would never actually physically cheat on me This morning I have found an email from last August with him arranging for a girl to come around our house I have also found a couple of 'adult dating' websites he belongs to. He says he uses them as he gets tired of porn and likes looking at 'real' people... I logged into these accounts and there were no messages or photos being shared so he may be telling the truth. I also found emails from random women which seem harmless (i.e. "Hi, how are you?") but from the names of people I recognise from previous cybersex conversations. I have emailed these women and asked that they tell me what is going on, from one woman to another What else do I do? I love him so much. I have sacrificed so much for him (I moved from London up North to live with him, left my family and friends, commute 20 hours a week to my job in London) and yet he seems unwilling to sacrifice his online sexlife for me... I know people will say that if I don't trust him I should walk away (btw he says I can check his emails etc... he obviously just didn't think I would!) but I really do love him so much. He games online at least 20 hours a week although now I wonder how much of it is gaming and how much of it is other things.... Please help me, I feel numb with shock but I'm at work so hoping I don't break down. I'd really appreciate anyone's help. Thanks xxx
Bejita463 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Cheating is cheating is cheating. The question is not severity. The question is what you define as cheating. I'd consider what he is doing to be unacceptable personally, and it would appear you agree. So, what I think you should do is stop accepting it. This is not a request unless you let it be one. Don't ask him to stop doing something you consider to be cheating; tell him to. If he is unwilling to do so, then the question you have to ask yourself is if you can be okay with that behavior for the rest of your life. Honestly, I do not see why you would be. You can move back near your family and friends and cut your commute right back down to what it used to be. I don't feel you should have to change or fix a partner, so if he thinks he should not have to change this, he is going to have unfortunate luck in future relationships. However, that isn't really your concern. What is your concern is what you are and are not willing to accept; not because you want to change this guy, but because you have standards.
Devil Inside Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Hello everyone, I'm new, my name is Bec and I've been on the boards for a while but haven't posted yet. I could really do with some insight and support due to my current situation. From the beginning. I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years, we met at school over ten years ago and have somehow ended up living together as boyfriend and girlfriend. He's in the forces and has a past of multiple partners and lots of online sex. He knew when we got together that I needed (and expected) him to be faithful to me. Last August (2008) I found on his computer that he'd be having cybersex with various women and the conversations involved them discussing meeting up although when I confronted him he claimed this didn't happen and he would never actually physically cheat on me This morning I have found an email from last August with him arranging for a girl to come around our house I have also found a couple of 'adult dating' websites he belongs to. He says he uses them as he gets tired of porn and likes looking at 'real' people... I logged into these accounts and there were no messages or photos being shared so he may be telling the truth. I also found emails from random women which seem harmless (i.e. "Hi, how are you?") but from the names of people I recognise from previous cybersex conversations. I have emailed these women and asked that they tell me what is going on, from one woman to another What else do I do? I love him so much. I have sacrificed so much for him (I moved from London up North to live with him, left my family and friends, commute 20 hours a week to my job in London) and yet he seems unwilling to sacrifice his online sexlife for me... I know people will say that if I don't trust him I should walk away (btw he says I can check his emails etc... he obviously just didn't think I would!) but I really do love him so much. He games online at least 20 hours a week although now I wonder how much of it is gaming and how much of it is other things.... Please help me, I feel numb with shock but I'm at work so hoping I don't break down. I'd really appreciate anyone's help. Thanks xxx Hi Bec...welcome to LS. This is a difficult situation. From what you have written above it appears that your BF has a serious need for attention from multiple women. Whether or not he has actually physically cheated (which who knows) these secret contacts with women can be seen as emotional affairs and at best lying to you. You have confronted him, told him how you feel, and he understands that...but still does it. So either he has a serious issues like a sex or love addiction and wants to stop but can't without professional help, or, he is not motivated enough to respect your emotions on this subject and is choosing himself and his needs over the relationship. So what do you do? You have a few options: 1. Do nothing. Things will stay the same, and maybe even escalate to him meeting up with one of these women. You will have to learn to live with who he is. 2. Ask him to get some professional help in quitting this behavior. 3. You leave, because you do not feel like he can really give you what you need in this relationship. Either way....it is a tough road. I hope he is worth it..seems you have sacrificed for this man...so there must be some great qualities there and in the relationship. Just be honest with yourself about why you stay with him. Good luck...and sorry for your struggles.
looking4 green grass Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I do think cheating is cheating, no matter where it happens. The decisions you have to make now are not easy. My exH did the online sex thing, but it definitely crossed over into the real world and I wouldn't put up with that. It's not likely that his behavior will stop on its own, so he can either get help, or you can choose to leave him. Neither option will be an easy road.
aerogurl87 Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 My ex boyfriend and I broke up over this (before our final break up). He claimed that it was nothing more than "interactive porn" and I said it was emotional cheating. In fact I told him I'd rather him go off and screw some random girl than constantly cyber with another woman (we were in a LDR). But did he listen to me? No, and guess what? He ended up leaving me for one of the women he was cybering with online (although she left him like 1 week after we broke up, gotta love karma ) So yes I believe online cheating is as bad, if not worse than offline cheating. I mean it's done intentionally, at least with cheating in RL it can be spontaneous and not planned out. But with cybering it's almost always planned out which IMO hurts more.
Recommended Posts