Trinitron Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Hey all, yep couldn't sleep, I'm just having a hard time figuring out what I want to do with this woman I've been going out with. She made the first move to start the relationship and I'm feeling that maybe I've got to make the first move to end it. We're both mid 40's, she lives an hour and a half away(she comes to work twice a week where I work),she's got a 16 year old living with her and a 22 YO that lives like 15 miles from me. The bagagge associated with these kids and her ex has and will be a heavy burden for a long time to come. Financially her income doesn't even come close to making enough to pay her monthly expenses. And yes I have the knight in shinning armour complex, so if you were to add the math.........yes, I've been helping her financially. It's important to note that she's not asked for money not even once. I do realize this was a grave mistake, how this complicates things, and how much this makes me look like a loser. To her credit she has been forthcomming about one thing thru all this, and that is, she's not ready for anything serious right now. We've been doing this for 5 weeks, and its been one of the most painfull yet happy times of my life. You see, when we're together there is a very strong connection, chemistry,attraction,........that I can't explain, but I know for a fact she's not faking it. When we're apart, she calls everyday. But thats where the effort kind of ends, I've yet to be asked to her place and she's squirmed out of invitations to mine, and we've never went out on the weekends. Weekdays when she's in town after work is the only time we've gotten together. I'd prefer to see her twice a week but sometimes she says she's just too tired, we've not slept together but if there were any inflatable beds nearby we would have. Right now unfortunately she's the guy in this relationship, in control of the situation and her heart very, very gaurded. I of course am playing the woman, heart on my sleeve and at her whim. The few times I've dated women that gave me the "I don't really want to get to serious" line it wasn't but a couple of weeks before I broke them down to a point where I could tell it was all talk. I like this woman alot but I'm just not getting the effort that I think I should have seen by now. Especially with all the financial support I've given. She's told me I'm the only one she's seeing romantically, and I guess I'll believe that until something happens to contradict it. When I've gotten emotionally touchy feelly she's just told me to relax and take it one day at a time. Right now I feel I'm pushing her away,(I introduced my misstrust over a friday night phone call) by being so emotionally needy, she's already told me she might be too tired to do anything tomorrow. She's said this before and we still did something, but I honestly don't know how much longer I can go without any form of reciprocation(emotionally) from her. I'm sure most if any advice I'll get here will be to run away as fast as possible, but I don't know if I can do that, I've got so much emotion and feelling invested. When I went to bed I had decided to just not ask again about going out tomorrow and see if she just needs some space this week, but right now I just want to end it and get the healing started. I cannot make it thru another 5 weeks of this its just to painfull. So bow out gracefully, by telling her that I want more than she's willing to give? Or do I find a way to relax and just learn to enjoy the status quo? Trinitron
Ronni_W Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 It kind of sounds as if you are putting all the pressure on yourself, and having some unreasonable/unrealistic expectations about a 'thing' that is only five (5) weeks old...if I interpreted that part correctly. I'm not really seeing any red flags from her side -- she's being honest with you about what she does and does not have mental, emotional and physical energy for at this time. It sounds as if maybe she is in early stages of a separation/divorce...I'm guessing that's why you're seeing her ex as a potential "heavy burden"(?) That could be one good reason to not get more emotionally invested anytime soon, or to stop seeing her altogether, if that fits in with your philosophy about dating "recently separated/divorced" people. And depending on what is wrong with her kids that you view them as "baggage" and potential "heavy burdens", could be another reason to keep your distance. YOU started financially contributing to her household to satisfy whatever maladaptive 'complex' you have. You have the power to just stop doing it, too. You seem to have some belief-idea that, since you've decided to not manage your own 'complex', she is obligated to give you what you want and need emotionally, when you want and need it. (It's unclear if you extend that belief to your sexual gratification as well.) but right now I just want to end it and get the healing started. I cannot make it thru another 5 weeks of this its just to painfull. You cannot make it through another 5 weeks of WHAT, exactly? Of driving yourself crazy with your own unrealistic expectations and unreasonable demands? Of giving your hard-earned money away of your own free will and choice? At the same time, you may well be doing a really big favour for all concerned, including yourself, if you do just end it now. Good luck with whatever you do decide.
Author Trinitron Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 Hey Ronni, It sounds as if maybe she is in early stages of a separation/divorce No she was in an abusive common law relationship when she had her 2 boys. And depending on what is wrong with her kids that you view them as "baggage" and potential "heavy burdens", could be another reason to keep your distance. No its the baggage with her court case concerning the kids, I don't see them as bagagge. You seem to have some belief-idea that, since you've decided to not manage your own 'complex', she is obligated to give you what you want and need emotionally, when you want and need it. (It's unclear if you extend that belief to your sexual gratification as well.) You're not far off the mark here, at first it was pure philanthrapy and I believe(if I'm going to be honest with myself) devolved into a horrid belief that showing her I care thru giving would push her somewhere. And no none of it was to get sex. unrealistic expectations and unreasonable demands? Is it an unrealistic expectation to expect reciprocation when warrented? Is it an unrealistic expectation to want complete honesty from her at this point? I mean in this case 5 weeks to me might mean 3 days to her, we're running on her timeframe obviously. Even though she's been clear on her intentions is 5 weeks to early to ask if there's any chance at moving this forward in the future? C'mon she's got to have at least an idea, right? I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. Trinitron
Ronni_W Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Who is deciding WHAT is warranted? And who is deciding WHEN it is warranted? Yes, after only five weeks, COMPLETE honesty is unrealistic, IMO. I didn't get from your initial post that she has been dishonest with you, though. Generally ANY new relationship proceeds at the emotional pace of the 'slower' partner -- if one person is not ready for anything more, then that person is not ready. Period. It's not up for debate, it's either to be accepted or not accepted. YOU do have the power, authority and control to decide to just stop seeing her. But, you believe that "can't" do that. You believe that you are too in love, too weak, too whatever. Fair enough. But then DEAL WITH your own "too in love" or "too weak" feelings, don't expect or try to force her to change her wants and needs to fill in the pieces where you can't take care of your self. Yes, of course it is unreasonable to expect or demand that she change her pace just because YOU are "too in love" or "too weak" to end what is an unsatisfying relationship for YOU. She has ALREADY told you her intentions. (To her credit she has been forthcomming about one thing thru all this, and that is, she's not ready for anything serious right now.) And, no, it is NOT right that after a measly 5 weeks she has "got to have at least an idea" about whether or not she is seeing anything with you in the future. You're in a huge panic-rush for whatever reason, and you're trying to rush her. While it may have started off with good intentions in your heart, you've resorted to using money to try to control and manipulate her. And it hasn't worked and isn't working, and you are upset at your own folly. Is what I would suggest. End your relationship with her. It is unhealthy for you, and for her. To use your words, it has devolved into something horrid.
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