Author Hannah86 Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 I want to thank everyone so much for their input. Asking friends gets a biased answer (a chorus of "of course you're right!"s) and some of you made me see things in a fresh perspective. Like I said, we were having some bumps in the road and we had a talk yesterday to smooth things over. If you look at my previous post, we're both products of a dysfunctional parent so we "get" each other and likewise we "get" each other's tempers and talked a lot of things out. During this talk, we got some big things out of the way, but the little things that had been bugging us also came out. He had one or two suggestions for me that would make him happier in our relationship, and I used that opportunity to bring up the picture. At first, he was shocked. He said that she is his best friend (although they never talk) and that she got him through some tough times in his life. I said, I realize you had good times together but I don't feel comfortable seeing her picture when I am there, and I think the bedside table is an inappropriate place. He was stubborn for a bit until I said, "do you understand why her picture there makes me uncomfortable?" and that's when it clicked and he promised to hide it when I am over (it's not thrown out, but like someone said on here, it is his room and he can decorate it and have in it what he wants). I went over to his house that night and of course it was there when I walked in, but after getting a glass of water for us he had put it away, neither of us discussed it. And to address the points of others--yes we are young, but we are passionate people, and I have no doubt that we are exclusive and I don't see this other girl as a threat. Or I guess I should say, I don't see the ex as a threat until I see her picture on his bedside table. He has brought up exclusivity several times and I'm the one that has been hesitant to agree to it, but we have profound respect for each other, even mid-argument (which will hopefully pilter off a bit thanks to our talk) so...call it a LOVE SHACK SUCCESS STORY. The picture is gone (for now) I hope that he will get tired of putting it back on his table when i'm not around that it will just stay in whatever drawer he's keeping it in MEN--sometimes you need to realize that "she was important THEN" but realize who is important "NOW" and who you want to keep happy. Memories are important to remember but be sensitive to whose eyes are falling on your bedside table... Don't need to be a day older than 23 to be in love or have serious problems in a relationship. We are all learning on these forums.
CaliGuy Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Putting it away "when you are there" is a compromise for him. Putting it away for good is what you want. In this case, I wouldn't accept the compromise. It goes in a box or you don't ever see him again. Dig?
Author Hannah86 Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 1. We had discussed it earlier in the day, and we arrived at his house together that evening, so the real test will be to see if it is back up there next time I go to his house. 2. I am fine with a compromise for now. I don't want to be that girl that gives weird ultimatums and I don't want him to think I am threatened by her. Of course I want it in the trash. What I wanted first and foremost was it out of my sight and I am happy for now, three months in. If we're together a year from now and he's still leaving it up/putting it away when I come over instead of just leaving it be...I will throw a fit.
Bejita463 Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 It would be a better compromise for him to just move somewhere, anywhere else.
JustLooking123 Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 How is his ex his "best friend" if they never talk? I think I smell "persistent emotional attachment" but maybe it's just me.
Lucky_One Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Why not just suggest "Hey, it's probably a pain putting it away and getting it back out, and I have to admit I am a little uncomfortable with it on your bedside table anyway (since that is the last thing you see before you drift off and the first thing you see when you wake up), so why not move it to the bookcase in the living room and you won't have to keep messing with it?" I don't get a best friend you never talk to - that seems weird. Or untrue. Either way, not particularly healthy.
CaliGuy Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 How is his ex his "best friend" if they never talk? I think I smell "persistent emotional attachment" but maybe it's just me. Nah, it's not just you. She's an ex he never talks to. That's not a friend. That is someone who is still hung on his ex. Having her picture around is a way for him to maintain an EMOTIONAL connection to her. OP: And as long as he's emotionally connected to her, he can not be emotionally connected to you. It isn't about "being that kind of girl" with him. It's simply saying "You're not emotionally healthy for a relationship with me if you're still emotionally attached to your ex. An ex you CALL a friend who you never talk to anymore." Ask him if she has his photo at her bedside. I'm guessing not... Got me?
Author Hannah86 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 Went there last night and it was not on the bedside table. I am sure he still has an emotional connection with her, they dated for five years. I still feel an emotional connection to some of the guys I dated, even ones I have no romantic feelings for, even if we haven't talked in weeks. Doesn't mean I keep their picture around, but I did leave them tagged on facebook and look back on those pictures with a smile. I appreciate the advice of many of you but assuming the worst--while it will best prepare you for bumps down the road--it's not good to live like that. I disagree with CaliGuy--he can feel emotional connectivity with her and still establish one with me. I just want to make sure we are connecting on different levels/for different reasons, which I believe we are!
CaliGuy Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Went there last night and it was not on the bedside table. I am sure he still has an emotional connection with her, they dated for five years. I still feel an emotional connection to some of the guys I dated, even ones I have no romantic feelings for, even if we haven't talked in weeks. Doesn't mean I keep their picture around, but I did leave them tagged on facebook and look back on those pictures with a smile. I appreciate the advice of many of you but assuming the worst--while it will best prepare you for bumps down the road--it's not good to live like that. I disagree with CaliGuy--he can feel emotional connectivity with her and still establish one with me. I just want to make sure we are connecting on different levels/for different reasons, which I believe we are! I don't care if he had a 5 year relationship with her or not. You still don't have a photo of your ex by your beside table. That is an unhealthy emotional connection to her that, IMHO, makes him emotionally unavailable to other women. Time will tell.
Author Hannah86 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 Something I didn't mention: On that same bedside table, he also has a picture of himself with his 2 best guy friends, he has a picture of himself with his brother, a picture of his parents, and a picture of his whole family. Does it make it any different that he sort of has a collection of photos on his bedside table rather than it just being one picture of him and his ex?...because I feel like if you are imagining this one picture on the bedside table it can seem MUCH worse. In the beginning I chalked it up as "he is a guy that doesn't care to redecorate" but I still didn't like that this picture of him with his ex was on the same table as his family, but he did have a guy-friend picture there too. CaliGuy, your thoughts?
Lishy Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 So he has pics of people who matter to him on his bedside table ... Does he have a pic of you there?
Island Girl Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 I don't care if he had a 5 year relationship with her or not. You still don't have a photo of your ex by your beside table. That is an unhealthy emotional connection to her that, IMHO, makes him emotionally unavailable to other women. Time will tell. It would be one thing if it had been there before and he just never moved it or removed it entirely (still a problem but if it has been there for years he may not even notice it). But this guy recently moved and put it right back there. That is a BIG ISSUE. CaliGuy is right and has been dead on here.
Art_Critic Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Why is still an issue ? I thought the picture was gone.. Do you feel he still has feelings for his ex ?.. if you do then it might be time to kick him to the curb to let him explore those feelings and let you go find someone available
Soul Bear Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 How about you get a picture of both of you together and ask him to replace his ex, or just replace it for him. Why does he have that picture with all the other ones....As far as family and best guy friends go, that is fine, but why is his EX in the mix of what seems like a shrine to the most important people in his life??....makes you think huh? I'm friends with a few ex's, and the LAST thing I would want is a bloody picture of them staring at me as I wake up in the morning.
Vertex Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 I don't think it's wrong to have a picture of your ex -- I like keeping things from my past relationships because they are historical mementos for me. Pictures, gifts, etc... I look at them fondly as I recall good times, but that's all I use them for. However, I would not put a picture of an ex next to my bed and expect a current girlfriend to basically have it shoved in her face. That would indeed imply that there's some sort of active emotional connection going on, which is an unhealthy thing in a new relationship -- so this would indeed bother me, especially considering that he recently put the picture there with full intent. I basically echo Caliguy here on all points... it's a huge red flag, and if he gives you grief over it, I'd reconsider things.
dreamergrl Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Did I miss it some where? Did you talk to him and then he took it down, or did it just happen?
boogieboy Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 (edited) I don't care if he had a 5 year relationship with her or not. You still don't have a photo of your ex by your beside table. That is an unhealthy emotional connection to her that, IMHO, makes him emotionally unavailable to other women. Time will tell. Caliguy is right Hannah, he cant have a connection with his ex AND you at the same time. If he is holding on to his ex, then you will NEVER be the one he is in love with. But its only been 3 months, so time will tell. I just hope you wont be a long term rebound. Edited October 12, 2009 by boogieboy
Author Hannah86 Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 So the picture frame is still out of view. We went on a date last night and I was upset to hear that she called him last night. He passively said she called him and of course I showed visible disappointment. He said again that they are best friends and they keep in touch. I asked him if he was still emotionally attached to her (haha) and he was confused, and I said "romantically attached" and he said "no. not at all." He also said that he is with me, and that he doesn't think I should be worried about her becuase he no longer looks at her in that way, but they have a lot of friends in common so it's impossible to just never speak to each other again. I believe him, and since they talk, it is believable that perhaps they are still friends. I don't feel concerned or threatened by her--except the five minute ordeal of her calling, which caught me off guard and surprised me. We continued the night as if nothing had happened and had a great time. they've been broken up five years and haven't gotten back together since. I really don't think there is anything there, and now I just need to calm down and eventually accept that they are friends and it's none of my business and to just calm down.
Author Hannah86 Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 Did I miss it some where? Did you talk to him and then he took it down, or did it just happen? I talked to him while we were resolving a fight about a week or two ago and he took it down and hid it. It has been down ever since.
Author Hannah86 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 So I posted all of these things in October, and things ended up not working out with me and the guy. On facebook I saw a bunch of pictures of him with his ex (the one with the picture) together at a mutual friend's Christmas party. I have no idea what happened, other than they were, at minimum, hanging out as friends. I've moved on, lived my life, got a lot of things in order in my life and even had a fling with a new guy that lasted about two months. As soon as the fling was over, picture-guy immediately swooped back in, hovering like a relationship vulture. He's been courting me hard, and never mentions the ex, and is adamant about working things out and starting all over. He told me he had a fling with another, new girl while we were apart. Slept over at his house for the first time last night, and guess what was on his bedside table? No pictures of his ex, but rather, little personal notes and cute reminders I had left him while we were together, my dad's business card, etc. It was very eerie seeing them there, as if he had never touched his bedside table since we broke up 5 months ago (and so strategically placed!), as if he was fine with them sitting there in plain view, as if the girl he had the fling with hadn't been bothered by it... I smiled when I saw it. My turn...
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