Hannah86 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 My guy of three months just moved down the street from me and despite a LOT of bumps in the road, things are okay, although I think we are in the power-struggle phase. UGH. At his old house, he had a picture of his ex on his bedside table. I figured once he moved, he would realize he still had it and get rid of it. They dated off and on for five years but broke up two years ago. He never mentions her and says they are friends. WELL LO AND BEHOLD...there it is still on his bedside. Is he over her? can I confront him about it somehow? I worry if I ignore it, I'll get drunk one night and freak out on him for it.
Bejita463 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I think we are in the power-struggle phase. The what phase? Just... no. ...are you on the light side, or the dark side? AC or DC? You use a mac, and he uses PC?
Hkizzle Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Actually a lot of couples have power struggles in relationships. I think you should confront him about it. But it should be in an unemotional cool calm, matter of fact manner. The minute you get emotional is the end of any productive discussion. Just say something like, you have ex stuff from every relationship in the past, and it won't be cool if you brought them all out and stuck them in his face.
Lishy Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 when he comes to yours make sure there are pics of your ex right next to your bed and see how he likes it! Yes there is something very much up with that!
Roxanna Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Yup, there's something up with that, and no, it's not okay. Very calmly bring it up with him. I personally would never want to hook up with him in that bed, with the picture of his ex staring at me. That is so creepy (and insensitive, and other things).
whimsical_memory Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Either put a picture up of your ex, or realize that it is HIS house he is decorating. If y'all lived together, it would be a different story.
Lucky_One Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Gosh, you're patient. The FIRST time I was in his bed, I would have reached over and turned the picture down and told him "It's creeping me out having your EX girlfriend watching us. What's up with THAT?" I don't care how long we had been dating - I wouldn't be comfortable after 2 weeks or 20 weeks. If we were intimate, then I don't want to see her beside the bed. So, at this stage, I'd do the same thing. Just reach over and turn the daggone thing over and ask him what the deal is.
New_Life08 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 If it bothers you, you should ask him why he has her picture at the bed-side? Either he is not taking your relationship seriously, he is obsessed with her, or he is doing it to bug you. In any event you need to make your feelings known (while sober) and see how he reacts to that. If he continues to keep it there, you need to decide if you want to be with someone who has psychological/emotional problems. The "friend" thing is BS. Does he have framed photos of his guy friends on his nightstand? I would think not....so put your foot down. This shouldn't even be an issue, he should have put it away when he decided to continue the relationship with you. Period!
northstar1 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 My guy of three months just moved down the street from me and despite a LOT of bumps in the road, things are okay, although I think we are in the power-struggle phase. UGH. At his old house, he had a picture of his ex on his bedside table. I figured once he moved, he would realize he still had it and get rid of it. They dated off and on for five years but broke up two years ago. He never mentions her and says they are friends. WELL LO AND BEHOLD...there it is still on his bedside. Is he over her? can I confront him about it somehow? I worry if I ignore it, I'll get drunk one night and freak out on him for it. WTF?? That's kind of creepy. Tell him it bothers you, period.
CaliGuy Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 This is a good lesson on boundaries. 1. If it bothers you, tell him. 2. Tell him what you'll do if he doesn't remove it. 3. If it still doesn't remove it, follow through on your statements. In other words: You: "This photo of your ex bothers me, I think you should box it away." Him: "No, I like this photo of her." You: "Well it's creeping me out and if you won't put it away it tells me you're still pining over your ex and I'm not going to come here until it's gone." Something to that effect, though you don't have to be quite as harsh (sorry I am just very blunt and honest). It is creepy that he still has it and is a RED FLAG in my opinion. He should have been over her a long time ago.
Art_Critic Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 If he has children then it would be okay as long as the children are in the picture with her and it shouldn't be on the bedside.. maybe moved to another location. It would go with showing the children harmony that they are still part of a family even though their parents aren't married anymore. No kids.. no picture.. and you would already know the answer to that.
looking4 green grass Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Yeah, the picture needs to G O. It's creepy, and I'm not sure how you manage to to anything in his bed with it looking at you. Don't be afraid to bring it up to him (in a calm way of course) and don't be afraid to put your foot down. There is NO reason for her to still be on his night stand. Or, just put a photo of yourself on top of her. lol Oh, that was mean, but it would get your point across.
Art_Critic Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Hannah.. the other thing you could do is just make it go away.. pick it up and put it away or toss it away.. It is still a red flag though as to why it was there in the first place..
Shygirl15 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 He probably forgot to remove it.. why don't you just help him out and throw it away, mmh? I doubt if he'll ask you a thing.
New Again Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 There's no way he forgot about it; he put it there after he moved recently. NOT OK!!!!!!!! And CREEPY!!!!!!!
Island Girl Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 He probably forgot to remove it.. why don't you just help him out and throw it away, mmh? I doubt if he'll ask you a thing. Obviously he didn't forget to remove it since he moved and placed it there again recently. Taking someone else's things and throwing them away or destroying them is not okay. It is not only immature and thoughtless but illegal. If she did that I am sure he would feel betrayed and that it was not her place to make that kind of a decision and he'd be right. Not a good ingredient to add to the relationship. He also may very well feel he can't trust her. Again not a good ingredient to add to the relationship.
Trialbyfire Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Gosh, you're patient. The FIRST time I was in his bed, I would have reached over and turned the picture down and told him "It's creeping me out having your EX girlfriend watching us. What's up with THAT?" I don't care how long we had been dating - I wouldn't be comfortable after 2 weeks or 20 weeks. If we were intimate, then I don't want to see her beside the bed. So, at this stage, I'd do the same thing. Just reach over and turn the daggone thing over and ask him what the deal is.I agree with this but would take it one step further. Wait until you're in the middle of THE ACT, then make issue of it verbally and withdraw physically, like this is the first time you've noticed the picture and why is it still there, since the two of you have been dating for three months. Hang on, something just hit me. Have the two of you had the exclusivity, relationship discussion? If not, don't assume. Get it out on the table.
smookie Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 My ex of 14 years had a picture of me for the longest time on his bedside table, His current girlfriend (now wife) did not say anything about it at all. I asked her if it botherd her , she said well ya it does but one day mine will be there and yours will be with your daughter you both have together.. My daughter came home one day with my picture in her back pack... I just laughed thought it was really funny. Up to you to confront him or not. If you do be very carefull not to get mad and do not be drinking when you do it.
Island Girl Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I agree with this but would take it one step further. Wait until you're in the middle of THE ACT, then make issue of it verbally and withdraw physically, like this is the first time you've noticed the picture and why is it still there, since the two of you have been dating for three months. We think so much alike sometimes! LOL I wouldn't wait until the middle of THE ACT but I would have said something the very first time I noticed it ESPECIALLY in his new place. "You have a picture of another girl by your bed?. Are you still hung up on her? Because maybe I shouldn't BE here or even talking to you right now..."
Shygirl15 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Obviously he didn't forget to remove it since he moved and placed it there again recently. Taking someone else's things and throwing them away or destroying them is not okay. It is not only immature and thoughtless but illegal. If she did that I am sure he would feel betrayed and that it was not her place to make that kind of a decision and he'd be right. Not a good ingredient to add to the relationship. He also may very well feel he can't trust her. Again not a good ingredient to add to the relationship. You seem to know them very well.
Island Girl Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 You seem to know them very well. Of course I do. I know how to have a mature mutually beneficial relationship with very healthy boundaries and without rampant insecurity.
Shygirl15 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 *Yawn* Anyhow. OP, hopefully you'll get more constructive answers to your problem from other experienced posters however I still think you should toss away this picture if you want to make a strong statement to him. If for some reason you can't, then just let your feelings known to him... hopefully he'll take you seriously. You seem like you're kinda trying to protect his feelings but sure enough he doesn't do the same. BTW, I don't understand what kind of relationships some of you people are involved in. My boyfriend knows better than to put such nonsense in my view, because he surely knows what's going to happen next. Take control of your relationship OP and damn right he'll respect you for it.
danny75 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 In a funny way this reminds me of my ex, she was looking through her files on her computer to show me some of her college work, and up popped pictures of not one but three ex boyfriends. I said to her if your over these guys why do you still have pictures of them? she just replied and said" no reason i just keep pictures for memories", we have been split up for a couple of months now and not for that reason. But during the last couple of weeks an ex of hers has emailed me on facebook saying , she has begged him back, and he basically told her no its over im in a new relationship that im very happy with and i no longer have feelings for you. So obviously if this guy refuses to remove this pic im sorry to say but he has feelings for her still and it would be beneficial to you to end it now or take a break until he realises what he wants.
Bejita463 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I love your sense of humor...wit. It brightens my day Thank you. I appreciate the compliment. I still think you should toss away this picture if you want to make a strong statement to him. What I would take from that, is that my property is not safe around this person. My boyfriend knows better than to put such nonsense in my view, because he surely knows what's going to happen next. If you go around destroying his property (regardless of whether you have cause to be upset over the object or not) and he accepts this behavior, you have a... special... guy. Take control of your relationship OP and damn right he'll respect you for it. I'd bet just about anything that not one of the males I know to any reasonable degree (friends/colleagues/acquaintances) would drop a woman who does destructive things to their property like a hot coal.
bean1 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Just out of curiosity, 1. You both are fairly young (I'm guessing 22-23 from the username) 2. Have had a lot of "bumps" and "struggles" 3. Have only been dating 3 months 4. He has his ex-gf's picture on his nightstand .... are you sure that this guy actually thinks you guys are in a relationship? Being dead serious here. It doesn't add up, really.
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