Husband secretly visited strip-clubs - am in total shock.

[hopeful1980]

But it sounds like you are a more natural "captain" for your team based on what you've said?

 

I kind of think of my husband and I as "co-captains".... with equal, yet differing responsibilities.

 

I don't want to be the captain though. The responsibility overwhelms me and makes me resent him. I took on that role because I felt I didn't have a choice. If he wouldn't do it, someone had too. I'm much happier letting him take the ball. He can throw it back to me and I'll happily accept, but I'd rather he make the play. LOL! He's the quarterback and I'm the running back.

[mumstheword]

I'm not going to make light of your situation, but from what you're posting I don't think the strip clubs are what you should be concerned with... and by the way, $2,000 in 3 trips to a strip club? A little under $700 each time? Do you know how easy that is to do?

 

I would be much more focused on your husband's depression. It doesn't sound like he is getting the relief he needs from his therapy or his medication. And by the way, when I was put on anti-depressants, they killed my libido (a well known side effect). And you are NEVER supposed to drink while on them -- they can make you black out and do crazy things (like spending $2000 in a strip club).

 

I'm not making excuses for him, but I would look at the underlying reasons for his behavior... have a frank discussion with him (and his therapist if he's open to it). Something in his treatment needs to be changed.

 

Sorry for the delay in replying - long day here.

 

I agree that we need to focus on his depression. I wonder what I am doing or not doing to help the situation...

[mumstheword]

Hello there, just wanted to add my two cents here. First, counseling is a very wise choice for both of you.

 

It seems that both you and your husband are dealing with a lot right now. But, you are the one who is here, so I will talk about that

 

Whether your husband "cheated" or not is a personal matter. We all have a different threshold for inappropriate behavior. There are people who would think nothing of their partner visiting a strip club, and others who consider it a deal-breaker.

 

I feel for you because you are dealing with a few different levels of betrayal. I think if I were in your shoes I would be in a whirlwind of uncertainty. He betrayed your trust, your safety, and your intimate boundaries. So, in my opinion you are justified if you feel it is cheating. They don't have to "sleep" with someone else to be unfaithful.

 

What I would wonder is... has he told you everything? Do you know if he had some fascination with online porn or similar groups and forums online? What I mean is - a person who is (normally) not one to go into strip clubs would be making an awfully big leap into that sort of world. I would wonder what provoked it in the first place?

 

If a person is normally an impulse spender will reason that it is financially destructive; however, depression can drive them to go on a spending binge. (the problem was already there)

 

Whatever the case may be, I think you will get to the bottom of it through counseling. I think it shows that both of you want a healthy marriage and are willing to do what it takes to get back on track. My concern would be to make sure everything (if anything) else is out on the table so it is dealt with now rather than later.

 

Best of luck you and your family...hang in there!

 

Thanks for your kind post, New Life. I do feel betrayed, although it's a different feeling than his having an affair, I'm sure.

 

I don't yet know what provoked the visits to the strip club, but I hope the therapist is going to get us there.

 

He is not generally an impulse spender. He never spends at all, actually. We're both pretty thrifty.

 

The whole thing was so "opposite" of what I would normally expect from him.

[mumstheword]

This is a BIG deal right here, hey Mums, do you think you treat your husband like more than a breadwinner in your lives? Do you show him he is needed?

 

Ill keep it hypothetical since there is still a chemical imbalance...

 

I don't know, honestly. I certainly do need him. I don't know if I make that clear to him. But he doesn't feel needed - he doesn't feel he "brings anything" to me. He has said this is part of his overall feeling about life in general.

[bluegreen12]

 

When we met, it was at an Ivy League law school.

 

So, are you both lawyers?

 

It's a common thing within the legal profession for someone to be a drunk.

 

Do you know if this strip club offers illegal services for extra cash in a VIP room? That can explain the whole $2K being spent.

[Stepmom]

Mum I was in your shoes exactly one year ago. It brought me to this site. I know what you are living. I too was shocked when I found out. My DH had frequented a high end strip club in a major city with coworkers about 6 times over a 3 yr period. I didn't figure it out till he came home at 3am one night last June, when I was to have been away at a meeting. I had a feeling about where he was and finally got an admission. That admission led me on a search of credit card statements where I discovered unbelievable amounts of $$ spent on these nights. I now understand the accounting, and like others who posted before say, it is not difficult to drop thousands even in one night in these places. My DH, also an Ivy law grad, was doing this to celebrate deal closings with a partner I cannot stand, and clients. They rented VIP rooms which come with private strippers at a rate of $600/hr. To me this might as well have been engaging in prostitution. All of it was business expensed. They drank many martinis and bottles of champagne.

 

I told him if he ever went back, even just as a spectator, I would leave him immediately. We do not have children together and I am financially independent of him, so he knows it is an absolute threat. In the initial discovery phase, I could not promise I would stay, but I did want to be sure I did not make a hasty decision when I couldn't think straight. It felt like a huge betrayal to me, yet not quite as bad as an affair. He was shook up by the fact that I might truly leave.

 

I realize there are some minor differences in our stories, but I imagine the feeling is still the same. The point I want to make for you, is that with marriage counseling and time, the agony diminished for me. I hope it will for you. My DH was slow to release detail, but finally did so in therapy. I couldn't get past it until I could feel confident there had been no sex. He was too embarrassed to talk about it. It meant having many conversations that pained him. I think your DH has been more honest and that will help you cope. Although I will never know what exactly did happen, I feel confident he did not have sex with these young girls. It took me nearly 6 months to work through this with him so I could eat, sleep and focus.

 

It has been more than a year now and while he is still dealing with the fallout on occasion, we have been able to move on. It doesn't have the power it once did. He has worked to rebuild my trust by always being accountable for his time and whereabouts.

 

There is so much more I could say. Feel free to ask if you feel the need for info as I did. I think you're smart to focus on depression as a root cause. Most likely there is a relationship there.

[bluegreen12]

My DH, also an Ivy law grad.

 

Which law school is it? Penn or Columbia?

[Athena]

Which law school is it? Penn or Columbia?

 

This is not something you should ask on an anonymous board... besides, it's off topic, Mr. SignedIn/Greenish/BlackWhite/BlueGreen

[mumstheword]

So, are you both lawyers?

 

It's a common thing within the legal profession for someone to be a drunk.

 

Do you know if this strip club offers illegal services for extra cash in a VIP room? That can explain the whole $2K being spent.

 

Neither of us are practicing lawyers - we both have business positions.

 

It has not been my experience that the legal profession is more prone to alcoholism than other professions, but I'm open to learning more about it if there have been studies etc.

 

My initial assumption was that he had paid for illegal services. I looked into this particular club by posting on a board where people post about our city, clubs etc. This particular club is a very upscale, famous club. From what I have been told, nothing like that is allowed there and you will be kicked out if you try to do any inappropriate touching.

 

Husband certainly denies anything illegal.

 

But yes, that has occurred to me and I don't know if I will ever know the truth.

[mumstheword]

Which law school is it? Penn or Columbia?

 

Why do you ask?

[mumstheword]

Mum I was in your shoes exactly one year ago. It brought me to this site. I know what you are living. I too was shocked when I found out. My DH had frequented a high end strip club in a major city with coworkers about 6 times over a 3 yr period. I didn't figure it out till he came home at 3am one night last June, when I was to have been away at a meeting. I had a feeling about where he was and finally got an admission. That admission led me on a search of credit card statements where I discovered unbelievable amounts of $$ spent on these nights. I now understand the accounting, and like others who posted before say, it is not difficult to drop thousands even in one night in these places. My DH, also an Ivy law grad, was doing this to celebrate deal closings with a partner I cannot stand, and clients. They rented VIP rooms which come with private strippers at a rate of $600/hr. To me this might as well have been engaging in prostitution. All of it was business expensed. They drank many martinis and bottles of champagne.

 

I told him if he ever went back, even just as a spectator, I would leave him immediately. We do not have children together and I am financially independent of him, so he knows it is an absolute threat. In the initial discovery phase, I could not promise I would stay, but I did want to be sure I did not make a hasty decision when I couldn't think straight. It felt like a huge betrayal to me, yet not quite as bad as an affair. He was shook up by the fact that I might truly leave.

 

I realize there are some minor differences in our stories, but I imagine the feeling is still the same. The point I want to make for you, is that with marriage counseling and time, the agony diminished for me. I hope it will for you. My DH was slow to release detail, but finally did so in therapy. I couldn't get past it until I could feel confident there had been no sex. He was too embarrassed to talk about it. It meant having many conversations that pained him. I think your DH has been more honest and that will help you cope. Although I will never know what exactly did happen, I feel confident he did not have sex with these young girls. It took me nearly 6 months to work through this with him so I could eat, sleep and focus.

 

It has been more than a year now and while he is still dealing with the fallout on occasion, we have been able to move on. It doesn't have the power it once did. He has worked to rebuild my trust by always being accountable for his time and whereabouts.

 

There is so much more I could say. Feel free to ask if you feel the need for info as I did. I think you're smart to focus on depression as a root cause. Most likely there is a relationship there.

 

Thank you so much for your post. Your story is very similar to mine, although I do think it's even creepier, in a way, that my husband went alone and spent our personal money. On the other hand, going with clients and renting a private room is pretty gross, too, and he had an excuse for you that it was "for work."

 

Thank you for the encouragement. We started couples therapy and he is starting with a new therapist on his own next week.

[bluegreen12]

Why do you ask?

 

Just want to see which school is represented.

 

To answer your question, yes, lawyers are about two times more likely to be some type of addict than others according to some studies.

[bluegreen12]

This is not something you should ask on an anonymous board... besides, it's off topic, Mr. SignedIn/Greenish/BlackWhite/BlueGreen

 

:mad:

[JamesM]

His profession or school has nothing to do with the discussion. Personally, I find those to be invasive questions, too.

 

Even if he was a garbage collector and the odds of a garbage collector cheating are .01%, it isn't relevant....because this guy did, according to the poster.

 

As for spending large quantities of money at a strip club, it is easy and even more so when the action is kept legal. Why? Because the goal of the strippers (if they are good) is to get as much money out of each guy as possible. Give him what he wants and he will no longer spend. Keep him on the edge, and the money will flow freely.

 

So my assumption is that he did what guys do at strip clubs and that is watch, drink, and spend.

 

Now, much as it may seem wrong, I am guessing that he was not motivated by any sort of emotions to you. He simply enjoyed the excitement and forgot what the consequences might be. My guess is that he also realized too late how much money he spent and how he would need an explanation for the loss from the savings. And sadly, his motivation for telling you may be that he knew that you would discover the expenditures...not that he felt guilty for going to a strip club.

 

He well may be depressed, but if I remember correctly true clinical depression would mean that he would not want to leave his house or he would not care to do anything. Attending a strip club certainly may mean he feels down and out. It may mean that he needed the escape and excitement, but it does not have to mean that he is clinically depressed.

 

Counseling for the two of you may help, but counseling for him is as important.

 

If this is the first time, then with much work, there is a good chance that it can be overcome. IMO the most difficult part for you may not be that he actually attended the strip club and spent all that money (which may hurt quite a bit) but the fact that he lied to you during the time he was getting lap dances. Now even if he texts or calls you, there may be times that you wonder "Is he really where he says he is?"

 

The biggest factor to a possible future together will be...can the two of you rebuild that trust?

[NowhereToHide]

His profession or school has nothing to do with the discussion. Personally, I find those to be invasive questions, too.

 

Even if he was a garbage collector and the odds of a garbage collector cheating are .01%, it isn't relevant....because this guy did, according to the poster.

 

As for spending large quantities of money at a strip club, it is easy and even more so when the action is kept legal. Why? Because the goal of the strippers (if they are good) is to get as much money out of each guy as possible. Give him what he wants and he will no longer spend. Keep him on the edge, and the money will flow freely.

 

So my assumption is that he did what guys do at strip clubs and that is watch, drink, and spend.

 

Now, much as it may seem wrong, I am guessing that he was not motivated by any sort of emotions to you. He simply enjoyed the excitement and forgot what the consequences might be. My guess is that he also realized too late how much money he spent and how he would need an explanation for the loss from the savings. And sadly, his motivation for telling you may be that he knew that you would discover the expenditures...not that he felt guilty for going to a strip club.

 

He well may be depressed, but if I remember correctly true clinical depression would mean that he would not want to leave his house or he would not care to do anything. Attending a strip club certainly may mean he feels down and out. It may mean that he needed the escape and excitement, but it does not have to mean that he is clinically depressed.

 

Counseling for the two of you may help, but counseling for him is as important.

 

If this is the first time, then with much work, there is a good chance that it can be overcome. IMO the most difficult part for you may not be that he actually attended the strip club and spent all that money (which may hurt quite a bit) but the fact that he lied to you during the time he was getting lap dances. Now even if he texts or calls you, there may be times that you wonder "Is he really where he says he is?"

 

The biggest factor to a possible future together will be...can the two of you rebuild that trust?

 

 

That's a stereotype of depression -- not being able to leave the house, etc. Clinical depression has many faces. Some people can't take being at home and keep looking for stimulation. Others can't get out of bed. There is no "one size fits all" description.

 

He's already been diagnosed as depressed and is on medication.

[tinktronik]

I realize this isn't an affair in the traditional sense and can't compare to what some here are dealing with. But it has some similarities in that he lied about where he was and he was having at least some physical contact with other women (lap dances).

 

I also wonder what else has been going on that I knew nothing about. Husband has sworn these were his only "offenses," but I don't trust him.

 

I hope it was ok to post on this thread - didn't mean to offend anyone.

 

Thanks!

 

I'll get right to it. I was a "dancer" for a number of years and very, very good at it. The largest percentage of men who visited the clubs and spent money was not the guy in a group of friends or the frat club boy, it was the husband or single guy who was having some problems in their life or who wanted someone to really listen and make them feel like they were of supreme importance to someone. Sometimes they just did not feel like they could talk to their wife or best friend as those people have their own lives and problems and distractions. This was my target client. They shelled out the money for dances but many times you just sat and listened and conversed and distracted them and made them feel like for a while [or until the money ran out] that everything was okay, would be okay and that they were attended to and really listened to. You always perked up and were happy to see them because it would be $500 or $1000 or $2000 dollars in your pocket that day and "happy at the sight of you" means a lot to any man.

 

I enjoyed this aspect of my job at the time, it was almost like therapy. I also understand that most of my clients came to see me because it was an "affair" in an environ that would not go into a physical realm, it could be put away the moment they walked out the door and it was somehow fair that they could trade money for time [a fair trade if you will], they also could leave the problem or problems with you even for a just little while.

 

Get to the brunt of what your husbands issues are, maybe just depression. In the meantime, you now have to deal with feeling betrayed by his lie and seeking out another woman to garner attention from. I think therapy is a great idea and I wish you the best of luck.

[JamesM]

 

He's already been diagnosed as depressed and is on medication.

 

As one recent psychology book I read stated, there is depression and there is Depression. In our day, we medicate both even when it is not always necessary. But yes, my mistake...according to the poster, he was diagnosed as clinically depressed.

 

My point which was not meant to be a major one is that this would not be a reason for attending strip clubs.

[Devil Inside]

As one recent psychology book I read stated, there is depression and there is Depression. In our day, we medicate both even when it is not always necessary. But yes, my mistake...according to the poster, he was diagnosed as clinically depressed.

 

My point which was not meant to be a major one is that this would not be a reason for attending strip clubs.

 

Unless he was having manic symptoms...in which case going to strip clubs and spending mass amounts of money is right on.

 

He may be bipolar.

[tinktronik]

As one recent psychology book I read stated, there is depression and there is Depression. In our day, we medicate both even when it is not always necessary. But yes, my mistake...according to the poster, he was diagnosed as clinically depressed.

 

My point which was not meant to be a major one is that this would not be a reason for attending strip clubs.

 

Read my post James. It is a major factor in the men who go to strip clubs. It is there open at anytime, whenever you happen to be lonely or depressed an bored. I understand the possible draw for a "biploar situation" but as the bipolar draw would be hyper-sexuality and the ultimate need of hyper-sexuality would not "typically" be met in a club situation it is not something I found to be a common occurrence in the "in-club" setting.

[JamesM]

Read my post James. It is a major factor in the men who go to strip clubs. It is there open at anytime, whenever you happen to be lonely or depressed an bored.

 

Yipes. I screwed up again. Misspoken again rather.

 

It should not be accepted as an excuse.

 

Yes, I know that many men go there as a way to feel important and "loved" again. And there are many reasons, but to let someone get off the hook for the reason he is depressed would give many men free reign IMO.

 

Now we can move on. Was anything else read in that post?

[tinktronik]

Yipes. I screwed up again. Misspoken again rather.

 

It should not be accepted as an excuse.

 

Yes, I know that many men go there as a way to feel important and "loved" again. And there are many reasons, but to let someone get off the hook for the reason he is depressed would give many men free reign IMO.

 

Now we can move on. Was anything else read in that post?

 

I absolutely agree that there is no acceptable excuse at all.

[mumstheword]

I'm fairly confident in his diagnosis, based on who he has seen. Whether there is more to it than simply depression, well, could be.

 

I do not think he is bipolar. He does not have manic episodes.

 

He has had panic attacks in the past, which are often related to depression. It has been about a decade since his last attack.

[mumstheword]

Just want to see which school is represented.

 

To answer your question, yes, lawyers are about two times more likely to be some type of addict than others according to some studies.

 

Could I get a link to those studies? Thanks.

[mumstheword]

I'll get right to it. I was a "dancer" for a number of years and very, very good at it. The largest percentage of men who visited the clubs and spent money was not the guy in a group of friends or the frat club boy, it was the husband or single guy who was having some problems in their life or who wanted someone to really listen and make them feel like they were of supreme importance to someone. Sometimes they just did not feel like they could talk to their wife or best friend as those people have their own lives and problems and distractions. This was my target client. They shelled out the money for dances but many times you just sat and listened and conversed and distracted them and made them feel like for a while [or until the money ran out] that everything was okay, would be okay and that they were attended to and really listened to. You always perked up and were happy to see them because it would be $500 or $1000 or $2000 dollars in your pocket that day and "happy at the sight of you" means a lot to any man.

 

I enjoyed this aspect of my job at the time, it was almost like therapy. I also understand that most of my clients came to see me because it was an "affair" in an environ that would not go into a physical realm, it could be put away the moment they walked out the door and it was somehow fair that they could trade money for time [a fair trade if you will], they also could leave the problem or problems with you even for a just little while.

 

Get to the brunt of what your husbands issues are, maybe just depression. In the meantime, you now have to deal with feeling betrayed by his lie and seeking out another woman to garner attention from. I think therapy is a great idea and I wish you the best of luck.

 

I would think there were elements of this in his visit to the club. thanks for providing some insight.

 

As he tells it, his feelings while there were more sad, bitter - feeling like he was an awful person and wanted to go lose himself where he could be anonymous. He claims he never spoke a word to anyone the entire time - "that was the point," he told me. "I didn't have to talk or "share". I could just sit there an not care."

 

Is any of this even true? Who knows!

[bluegreen12]

Could I get a link to those studies? Thanks.

 

You should know about this, especially if you received your legal education from the United States.

 

This is as common knowledge as lawyers, on average, make more money than average citizens.