Husband secretly visited strip-clubs - am in total shock.

[mumstheword]

Newbie here.

 

I'm not sure whether this belongs on an infidelity thread, or on a "totally bizarre behavior" thread. My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married for 9 and have two small children.

 

My husband is a somewhat shy, British academic "type." He is also battling depression.

 

We've had some issues over the years, particularly when his depression weny untreated. However, for the most part, our marriage was great. Or so I thought.

 

Last week, husband dropped a bombshell when he emailed me to confess that on three occasions during the month of August, he visited strip clubs, lied about where he was and spent a considerable chunk of our savings.

 

I'm still in the numb/shock stage. We've begun counseling.

 

Has anyone here ever dealt with this type of behavior? It seemed like such a hateful act, although husband claimed it stemmed more from a feeling of "nothing matters" than "I hate my wife."

 

Any thoughts or insight appreciated. Thanks.

 

-mumstheword

[NowhereToHide]

Newbie here.

 

I'm not sure whether this belongs on an infidelity thread, or on a "totally bizarre behavior" thread. My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married for 9 and have two small children.

 

My husband is a somewhat shy, British academic "type." He is also battling depression.

 

We've had some issues over the years, particularly when his depression weny untreated. However, for the most part, our marriage was great. Or so I thought.

 

Last week, husband dropped a bombshell when he emailed me to confess that on three occasions during the month of August, he visited strip clubs, lied about where he was and spent a considerable chunk of our savings.

 

I'm still in the numb/shock stage. We've begun counseling.

 

Has anyone here ever dealt with this type of behavior? It seemed like such a hateful act, although husband claimed it stemmed more from a feeling of "nothing matters" than "I hate my wife."

 

Any thoughts or insight appreciated. Thanks.

 

-mumstheword

 

 

Honestly? I don't think visiting strip clubs is even in the same vicinity as an affair (Though I'm sure that some of the more judgemental posters might disagree). Might he be guilty of a certain lack of judgement, especially the spending some of your savings? Absolutely. But he didn't cheat. Period.

 

I'm glad to hear that you're in counseling. If he's depressed (and I've been there) then his behavior is actually not surprising. Oftentimes, those who are depressed feel numb and they look for things to give them a "jolt" to make them feel alive again. I don't think it has much to do with you as it does with him.

 

Hang in there. This isn't horrible news. You can get through this.

[mumstheword]

Honestly? I don't think visiting strip clubs is even in the same vicinity as an affair (Though I'm sure that some of the more judgemental posters might disagree). Might he be guilty of a certain lack of judgement, especially the spending some of your savings? Absolutely. But he didn't cheat. Period.

 

I'm glad to hear that you're in counseling. If he's depressed (and I've been there) then his behavior is actually not surprising. Oftentimes, those who are depressed feel numb and they look for things to give them a "jolt" to make them feel alive again. I don't think it has much to do with you as it does with him.

 

Hang in there. This isn't horrible news. You can get through this.

 

I realize this isn't an affair in the traditional sense and can't compare to what some here are dealing with. But it has some similarities in that he lied about where he was and he was having at least some physical contact with other women (lap dances).

 

I also wonder what else has been going on that I knew nothing about. Husband has sworn these were his only "offenses," but I don't trust him.

 

I hope it was ok to post on this thread - didn't mean to offend anyone.

 

Thanks!

[NowhereToHide]

I realize this isn't an affair in the traditional sense. But it has some similarities in that he lied about where he was and he was having at least some physical contact with other women (lap dances).

 

I also wonder what else has been going on that I knew nothing about. Husband has sworn these were his only "offenses," but I don't trust him.

 

I hope it was ok to post on this thread - didn't mean to offend anyone.

 

Thanks!

 

 

No offense taken whatsoever!!!

 

Yes, the lying is concerning. And if you don't trust him, then you should definitely investigate further.

 

My H has been to strip clubs a handful of times, mostly for bachelor parties. It never bothered me in the least. Even the lap dances.

 

I would let that part go, but definitely focus on the lying. Get the answers you need.

[boogieboy]

If your husband spend a big chunk of your savings on strippers, it means he thought he had a chance with one of them. That means he was emotionally involved at least a lil bit. Or he just kept getting as many lap dances with as many strippers as he could. I dont iknow what councelling will do, but he obviously doesnt like his life. I dont know what he has against you, but you will have to find a way to get him to want to re-ignite the fire between you two, it seems he checked out. And thats in addition to the original reasons he was depressed.

[deux ex machina]

He visited three times...in one month (August)...and...how much did he spend?

[NowhereToHide]

If your husband spend a big chunk of your savings on strippers, it means he thought he had a chance with one of them. That means he was emotionally involved at least a lil bit. Or he just kept getting as many lap dances with as many strippers as he could. I dont iknow what councelling will do, but he obviously doesnt like his life. I dont know what he has against you, but you will have to find a way to get him to want to re-ignite the fire between you two, it seems he checked out. And thats in addition to the original reasons he was depressed.

 

 

He's depressed. If you have never been depressed, you have no idea how horrible it is. If it is actually clinically diagnosed depression, I guarantee that has to do with a lot of his behavior.

 

Depression doesn't have anything to do with not liking your life, or your spouse. It's a chemical imbalance. I've been there. It sucks.

[mumstheword]

He was diagnosed as clinically depressed many years ago, and has been seeing a psychiatrist who prescribes two different medications.

 

I don't know if there is a quantifiable "reason" he is depressed, as in some particular thing in his life. Perhaps there is an event from early on in his life that precipitated it, but the generally held belief about clinical depression is that it is chemical. And often hereditary.

 

However, I think it must be that whatever I was doing or however I "am" was certainly not helping matters and may in fact have made things worse.

 

He visited the club three times in August and spent 2K which he claims was for lap dances with whomever happened along - multiple people.

 

Why someone would do this is beyond me. It seems like such a sad thing to do.

 

With the amount spent, I am suspicious that he had more than lap dances. But husband claims not - gave me the name of the place and attempted to account for what was spent. This is a famous club in a major city. I guess it could be expensive. But for whatever reason, I just don't fully buy the story.

 

 

Thank you everyone for replying.

[deux ex machina]

I think 2K could be spent on three trips, but he'd have to really work hard at it.

 

Did he take friends there? Is that what you mean by multiple people?

 

I'm sorry this only came out now.

[deux ex machina]

...But for whatever reason, I just don't fully buy the story.

 

 

Thank you everyone for replying.

 

I share your feelings, something isn't "right" about it...

[JaneInVegas]

I'm going with the 'something not quite right' theory. That much money in such a short amount of time in a strip club doesn't ring true. Maybe he did something else he's trying to cover up with a "lesser offense" ?

 

Assuming he has gone into strip clubs, that's a pretty minor offense in the big scheme of things. Lap dances don't exactly give wives nice warm fuzzy feelings, but at least he's not out actually cheating on you.

 

If I were you, I'd try to find a money trail and follow it to the end. Good luck to you, hope everything works out okay.

[mumstheword]

ok, the guy is already seeing a psychiatrist, so that is good news.

 

I will admit that I probably understand what your husband is going through because I have had similar experiences. they all involved drinking.

 

it doesn't have much to do with you or the marriage, but it does have a lot to do with losing control under certain conditions.

 

chemical imbalance + meds + alchohol + strippers is a disaster setup. Those girls are there to take as much money as possible and they coax you to drink. If he ever does go into a strip club again he needs to leave his credit cards at home and he needs to go with a friend.

 

All three times he went he claims he first became quite drunk waiting for the train home (station bar). I don't know about the first two times, but I remember the night of the third incident and I have never seen my DH so inebriated. He likes his wine, but I have not seen him drunk since we were students over a decade ago. On this night, he was literally falling down drunk.

 

I told DH that strip clubs are designed for the sole purpose of separating men from their cash and that I could not believe he could be so irresponsible. He didn't give me any argument.

 

By multiple, I meant that he claims he had dances from many different dancers. He went alone each time. Which is much creepier than going with friends, for some reason.

 

The first two time he went he simply claimed to be working late and was home by 10. The last time, he was texting me every 30 minutes about a work crisis, giving me all the details. It was odd, because I did not ask him much about it - the texts were all one-way from him. And all that while he was in a club getting lap dances.

 

Nice, huh?

[boogieboy]

Well if his depression is truly a chemical imbalance, then his actions are definitly a result of that. Thats awful.

 

if it isnt, and there is an origin to his depression...............

 

Has he told you what started this depression, originally, before he got treatment the first time?

[mumstheword]

Well if his depression is truly a chemical imbalance, then his actions are definitly a result of that. Thats awful.

 

if it isnt, and there is an origin to his depression...............

 

Has he told you what started this depression, originally, before he got treatment the first time?

 

He has tried. He mentioned that it came about in his 20's, almost as though someone "flipped a switch." He began to sort of separate from people. He did a lot of clubbing. Some drugs. This is all in the UK.

 

He says he has no idea what caused it - he can't think of any specific trigger.

 

It does run in his family, although we did not know that until recent years.

 

When we met, it was at an Ivy League law school, so by then he had at least gotten himself sober and was moving on with his life. There were some signs of an emerging problem at the end of school - panic attacks - but he sought treatment and all seemed well. If not a bubbly guy, he seemed happy and self-assured. Enthusiastic.

 

He took a turn for the worse when we had our first child, who is now six.

 

I don't think any of this means that he was not responsible for his actions. I just have no idea, really, what is going on here or how to deal with it.

[boogieboy]

How is the relationship between you two? How many years have you been married? Are you frisky like schoolkids, or have you not touched each other in years?

[conf09]

Just out of curiosity, and not to pry, but do you feel like you and your husband are really honestly open with each other in an intimate sense?

[mumstheword]

Just out of curiosity, and not to pry, but do you feel like you and your husband are really honestly open with each other in an intimate sense?

 

Not entirely - and this is to answer the earlier question re: our "friskiness." Our sex life took a hit when we became new parents. At the moment, it's "episodic." When we were away together for a few days over the summer, we were quite, er, frisky. Other times, not so much. And, for some time, I have been the initiator in this regard.

 

So, we're somewhere between all-over-each-other and haven't-touched-in-years.

 

DH felt his libido had fallen off quite a bit. We were very open in our discussions about this and spoke to the Dr., who suggested that his medication was entirely or largely to blame, along with the simple fatigue of two small kids etc.

 

Now, however, I think it is a combination of the medication and his general feelings of disconnectedness. Or perhaps it's me.

 

I guess the short answer is: I though our sex life was pretty good, but not great. Now, in retrospect, I can see that I simply had learned to live with "just ok."

 

As for honesty about intimacy: I don't know. I am very frank in this regard. Husband less so. More reserved. Does not like to discuss sex - happy to listen to me discuss it, but not an active part of the conversation. Kind of central-casting reticent Brit, if you know what I mean. He is a very passionate, affectionate person - but not verbal.

Edited October 6, 2009 by mumstheword

[NowhereToHide]

Not entirely - and this is to answer the earlier question re: our "friskiness." Our sex life took a hit when we became new parents. At the moment, it's "episodic." When we were away together for a few days over the summer, we were quite, er, frisky. Other times, not so much. And, for some time, I have been the initiator in this regard.

 

So, we're somewhere between all-over-each-other and haven't-touched-in-years.

 

DH felt his libido had fallen off quite a bit. We were very open in our discussions about this and spoke to the Dr., who suggested that his medication was entirely or largely to blame, along with the simple fatigue of two small kids etc.

 

Now, however, I think it is a combination of the medication and his general feelings of disconnectedness. Or perhaps it's me.

 

I guess the short answer is: I though our sex life was pretty good, but not great. Now, in retrospect, I can see that I simply had learned to live with "just ok."

 

As for honesty about intimacy: I don't know. I am very frank in this regard. Husband less so. More reserved. Does not like to discuss sex - happy to listen to me discuss it, but not an active part of the conversation. Kind of central-casting reticent Brit, if you know what I mean. He is a very passionate, affectionate person - but not verbal.

 

 

I'm not going to make light of your situation, but from what you're posting I don't think the strip clubs are what you should be concerned with... and by the way, $2,000 in 3 trips to a strip club? A little under $700 each time? Do you know how easy that is to do?

 

I would be much more focused on your husband's depression. It doesn't sound like he is getting the relief he needs from his therapy or his medication. And by the way, when I was put on anti-depressants, they killed my libido (a well known side effect). And you are NEVER supposed to drink while on them -- they can make you black out and do crazy things (like spending $2000 in a strip club).

 

I'm not making excuses for him, but I would look at the underlying reasons for his behavior... have a frank discussion with him (and his therapist if he's open to it). Something in his treatment needs to be changed.

[skylarblue]

I am going to keep this short and as to the point as I can. I was a stripper several years, worked all types of clubs, and I must say nothing good happens in a strip club. Men go for a sexual pleasure and our job is to manipulate him into spending as much money as he can. A stripper becomes the girl that finds him interesting, funny, attractive or whatever it is to stroke his ego. We want to get him as drunk and horny as possible to get more money from him. We always try to get a guy to come back and become a regular customer. Naked women, lap dances and champagne rooms are not for married men, especially someone who is depressed. Trust me ladies. It’s a lot more unbearable then you may think.

[New_Life08]

Hello there, just wanted to add my two cents here. First, counseling is a very wise choice for both of you.

 

It seems that both you and your husband are dealing with a lot right now. But, you are the one who is here, so I will talk about that

 

Whether your husband "cheated" or not is a personal matter. We all have a different threshold for inappropriate behavior. There are people who would think nothing of their partner visiting a strip club, and others who consider it a deal-breaker.

 

I feel for you because you are dealing with a few different levels of betrayal. I think if I were in your shoes I would be in a whirlwind of uncertainty. He betrayed your trust, your safety, and your intimate boundaries. So, in my opinion you are justified if you feel it is cheating. They don't have to "sleep" with someone else to be unfaithful.

 

What I would wonder is... has he told you everything? Do you know if he had some fascination with online porn or similar groups and forums online? What I mean is - a person who is (normally) not one to go into strip clubs would be making an awfully big leap into that sort of world. I would wonder what provoked it in the first place?

 

If a person is normally an impulse spender will reason that it is financially destructive; however, depression can drive them to go on a spending binge. (the problem was already there)

 

Whatever the case may be, I think you will get to the bottom of it through counseling. I think it shows that both of you want a healthy marriage and are willing to do what it takes to get back on track. My concern would be to make sure everything (if anything) else is out on the table so it is dealt with now rather than later.

 

Best of luck you and your family...hang in there!

[hopeful1980]

When my husband was at the height of his depression, he would do things like that. He would spend crazy amounts of money or go out and not come home because "nothing mattered" to him. It turns out he didn't feel needed.

 

From what you wrote, I don't think your husband did it to spite you. I don't think he was thinking about you at all when he did those things. From my experience, he's trying to get attention from you. It was a cry for help I think.

[Devil Inside]

Hey Mum.

 

This is a bad situation. I'm sorry you feel betrayed. It always sucks to be lied to.

 

I am a therapist...and what jumped out to me is the fact that your husband is depressed. Could these outings to the club be manic episodes. Because if so then maybe he has Bipolar Disorder.

 

Obviously you would need much more information...but it would be good if he told his psych how he was feeling and what was going on in his head when these outings happened.

 

I also agree with everyone here that said that drinking and meds are not a good combo. It seeems that your husband was pretty out of control.

[boogieboy]

When my husband was at the height of his depression, he would do things like that. He would spend crazy amounts of money or go out and not come home because "nothing mattered" to him. It turns out he didn't feel needed.

 

From what you wrote, I don't think your husband did it to spite you. I don't think he was thinking about you at all when he did those things. From my experience, he's trying to get attention from you. It was a cry for help I think.

 

This is a BIG deal right here, hey Mums, do you think you treat your husband like more than a breadwinner in your lives? Do you show him he is needed?

 

Ill keep it hypothetical since there is still a chemical imbalance...

[hopeful1980]

This is a BIG deal right here, hey Mums, do you think you treat your husband like more than a breadwinner in your lives? Do you show him he is needed?

 

Ill keep it hypothetical since there is still a chemical imbalance...

 

The wierd thing about it is when my husband would do things like that, it would make me feel more independent. I didn't want to need someone who would do things like that. How could I depend on a person like that? Why should I? It seemed foolish to me.

 

However, I realized that if I ever wanted to get what I needed from him I would have to suck it up and give him what he needed. Someone had to be the one to make the first step, and unfortunately (or fortunately) I was the one who was in a better position to make that step seeing as I wasn't depressed and was thinking rationally. It was very difficult at first. I had to really train myself to need him. I had to stop being a martyr and give up my control over each and everything (which I justified was necessary because of his crazy behavior). I gave him more of the responsibility and he miraculously started to accept it. Not only that, but he wanted to do it. He delighted in the role and I felt a profound sense of relief from being overwhelmed all of the time.

 

I realized that I hadn't been a team player. I had hogged the ball and made my husband sit the bench. He wanted to be in the game, but I wouldn't let him so he watched from the sidelines drinking all the while. Then I had the nerve to wonder why he wasn't being apart of the team. Now, I see the error in my ways (while not condoning my husbands ludicrous behavior) and I gladly let my husband take his natural spot as the captain of the team.

[NowhereToHide]

The wierd thing about it is when my husband would do things like that, it would make me feel more independent. I didn't want to need someone who would do things like that. How could I depend on a person like that? Why should I? It seemed foolish to me.

 

However, I realized that if I ever wanted to get what I needed from him I would have to suck it up and give him what he needed. Someone had to be the one to make the first step, and unfortunately (or fortunately) I was the one who was in a better position to make that step seeing as I wasn't depressed and was thinking rationally. It was very difficult at first. I had to really train myself to need him. I had to stop being a martyr and give up my control over each and everything (which I justified was necessary because of his crazy behavior). I gave him more of the responsibility and he miraculously started to accept it. Not only that, but he wanted to do it. He delighted in the role and I felt a profound sense of relief from being overwhelmed all of the time.

 

I realized that I hadn't been a team player. I had hogged the ball and made my husband sit the bench. He wanted to be in the game, but I wouldn't let him so he watched from the sidelines drinking all the while. Then I had the nerve to wonder why he wasn't being apart of the team. Now, I see the error in my ways (while not condoning my husbands ludicrous behavior) and I gladly let my husband take his natural spot as the captain of the team.

 

 

But it sounds like you are a more natural "captain" for your team based on what you've said?

 

I kind of think of my husband and I as "co-captains".... with equal, yet differing responsibilities.