lettym Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Ok I'm going to try and make this as short as possible because it would take me hours if i were to type in the whole story. Ok I am a 20 year old female who still lives at home. I am single and don't have any kids so I just live at home and this bothers me because I see everything that goes on in my house and in my family. Lots of people might say to just let my mother be and she's a grown woman and can make her own decisions but it's just too much to just ignore and brush it off like nothing. It has been like this for i'd say ten years or more since I was a little little girl and that's why it bothers me to this day like crazy. Ok my mom and dad live basically like friends. They sleep in the same room but my dad on the bed and mom on the floor. Basically they have been "friends" for years. I hate to say this but my mom is a slut. I mean do i have a right to be mad??? I dont know..yall tell me. For years on and off I always knew my mom was cheating on my dad. My dad was a drunk but not anymore. My mom would drop me and my lil sister off anywhere so she could go off with her boyfriends and spend the whole weekend with them. We would stay at cousins, grandma's, and friends houses. I knew this was going on but still I never said anything. I just kept everything inside and never let it out, but of course my dad and family know now except for things that are happening now. My mom has had sex with countless men and the only reason I know is cuz she tells my best friends mom who tells her daughter which in turn tells me. I feel almost disgusted that i have to find out that way cuz i don't want anybody knowing what my mom does. So recently my mom would always drive up to tampa to see this "friend." I know she would just have sex with him for a fact. I've seen nude photos he sent of himself to my mom's cell. Then he left to mexico and today my mom says she's going to see a "job" in tampa. You know I know she's lying because she's getting all dressed up in her room as i type, trying on different clothes and so on. Her last boyfriend that left to mexico has a son in tampa. I know recently my mom has been talking to him on the phone. For what? I have no idea but I have a pretty good guess. IT's disgusting! I mean come on, now that the man leaves, my mom has to go and **** the son??! I don't wanna believe this but i know its true. Why else would she be getting all dressed up for and no its not for a business job. I feel so angry, hurt, betrayed and lied to. Do I have a right to feel like this? I almost feel like I don't know my own mother. It has been like this almost my whole life and i dont understand why she has to be this way. My dad is currently in ny though but will come back next month.
Ronni_W Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Do you have the right to be angry because your mom is not the type of person/woman/mother that you would have preferred to have? I would say, yes, you do have the right to be angry about ANYTHING that you choose. Is it a situation that would generally cause children to feel hurt and disappointed? I would also say 'yes'. Rightly or wrongly, we do place very high expectations on our parents. Unreasonably and unrealistically high, sometimes. Your mom is the way she is for whatever reason(s). It certainly sounds like maladaptive behaviour, the roots of which more than likely go back to her own early/childhood experiences. It is also, of course, that your dad has (and other family members who know about it have) allowed your mom to continue in her ways. For whatever his (and their) reasons, they have somehow learned to be okay with it, or to turn a blind eye to it, or however they are actually coping with it. Is there a trusted aunt you could maybe confide in, who could offer you some guidance and support? The important thing about your feelings of anger, hurt and betrayal is that they do belong to you, and it is your self-responsibility to learn how to deal with what appropriately belongs to you, and to dynamically/energetically 'give back' all the crap that rightfully belongs to your mom...and your dad, and other family members, too. Therapy, basically. Psychodynamic and cognitive. If I could suggest, IMO that would be your sanest, 'healthiest' course of action. Your feelings certainly do exist, and they are significant for you. Without proper expression, our traumatic experiences and intense "negative" emotions do have a way of turning on us and developing into all sorts of creepy-crawlies, emotional and physical. It actually sounds as though you know your mom quite well, although I hear you say that it feels as if you don't. Your post also doesn't make clear who has been lying to and betraying you. Unless you mean that in a much broader sense, like "betrayed by Life/the Universe/God"(?) Maybe she is going to Tampa for that guy's son...but maybe there is some other new guy in Tampa? You could ask you friend not to tell you what she hears about your mom, from ANY source. (In any case, that sucks that her mom is talking about your mom. No matter the ugly, gory details, "friends" do not do that.) I am sorry that you have had this experience. You do deserve emotional freedom from it, and I wish you well with your healing. Hugs.
Angel1111 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Yeah, it's really sad that your mom is like that but there's not a lot you can do about it aside from telling her what you know and how you feel about it. Considering how determined she is to do as she pleases, I doubt that it would make any difference in her behavior. But it may make you feel better to express how you feel about it and to get it out in the open, and that's gotta be worth something. It seems that everyone in your faimly just stays quiet about it and pretends - I don't think this is healthy. I don't think it's healthy to argue about it all the time, either, but still I don't think you should keep it all in. On the other hand, you're an adult and you live in their home. They don't have to allow you to do that. So, be careful about confronting her about it now because she will probably tell you to leave. If you're not ready to move out, I'd recommend that you keep quiet about it for now. But when you move out, you should say something to her and let her know how disappointed and embarrassed you are by her behavior.
kimbop Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 You do have a right to feel the way you do. The embarassment and disgust are feelings that are negatively impacting your perception of your mother. However, you are an adult, and you do live under her roof. Since she's not engaging in illegal acts and the fact that your father is aware of your mother's actions, then you keep your thoughts to yourself until you leave. When you do leave, you can discuss your feelings with her as an adult. Don't accuse her of being the town tramp, but inform her that you know about her not-so-secretive affairs and you have a very low opinion of her as a woman and as a wife but not as a mother. Be prepared that there may be repurcussions but you don't want to live a lie and have her believe that what she is doing is ok with you.
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