Trouble decoding feelings about my affair

[conf09]

Okay, I know the affair topic has been beaten to death, but every single situation is different. Here is mine, long, sorry, please let me know what you think.

 

I was married to my first wife for almost 10 years, and we had two children. Due to a variety of reasons, our marriage fell apart, and when a woman approached me at work expressing interest, I was all over it. I ended up leaving my wife, moving in with this woman within months, and a couple years later, we married, living in a house with my children.

 

There was always a little bit of underlying "something" between me and my current spouse. She would get angry, and tell me she wanted to leave, or wanted divorce, and in the back of my mind, I always felt like I married the rebound girl. I felt like I jumped from one right into the other, and have realized that I have no experience trying to rely on myself for emotional stability, it's like I always have to have someone there in order to cope. Worst of all, when she would get angry like this, it was usually over something that i said, because I admit, I would instigate, just not loudly or angrily. Not only would I sort of insidiously instigate an argument because I was irritated, I would turn it around and make it seem like I was innocent, and everything was her fault. Then, when she would threaten to leave or divorce, I would instantly try to diffuse the situation, not necessarily because I was afraid she would go, but because deep down, I wanted to be in control, it was a case of "YOU can't leave ME!", when a part of me very deep down, would think, "is this finally it?"

 

Lately I have been feeling the most confident and attractive I ever had in my life, and it did not take me very long to find someone else. I quite accidently got in touch with a woman I went to high school with, and had not even spoken a word to in well over 10 years. I had a huge thing for this woman that was unrequited, and never let her know how I felt when I knew her at a younger age. In fact, she had conceded to me that it was hard for her when I became committed to the woman who would be my first wife. So, I get in touch with this woman, and we end up sleeping together quite literally the first day we saw each other, originally to "catch up".

 

Now my situation, and this other woman's situation prevents us from living together, for a year or so at least, but I could see having a good relationship with her. And if it does not work out, I feel like there are other women out there, I don't believe there is "the one", i believe there is "someone" for whom you are willing to put aside all others.

 

My wife has said if I stop seeing this woman, she would love nothing more than to come back to me and unconditionally forgive me. I have several issues with that, and my situation in general:

 

1. I don't think she ever really would, I think it would come up as ammunition for her at some point later.

 

2. She is attached to my children, and I know she loves them unconditionally, and treats them like her own. As far as my kids go, they have good very frequent contact with their real mother, and the fact is, my wife is not their mother, and since we have only been together for a couple years, I think the kids would get over it.

 

3. I also remember plenty of good times that we had. I'm not foolish to think that our marriage and relationship was all bad, not so at all. I just don't know if it was enough, and think that I could find someone else to share life with, even if is not this other woman.

 

4. I worry that those feelings of remembering good things about my spouse will prevent me from really being emotionally close to anyone. I have already had issues with this other woman sexually, because sometimes I feel like my body is way too distracted to be 100% focused on making love.

 

5. I don't think that my relationship with this other woman is all sex-driven either, we actually like just being together.

 

6. This makes two wives in a row I have cheated on, and when my wife said she would forgive me, I honestly told her I could not promise it would not happen again, and yes I know it is wrong, but I have reasons that I am the way I am, and just don't know how to make that person I am work in a committed marriage.

 

7. I'm hedging my bet with my wife, even though I know it is wrong. Its like I am telling her, "I'm gonna play around, and want you to be there when I'm done" She does not deserve that, but in the back of my mind, those good times come back up, and I wonder if I am making a mistake, so am afraid to let her go, but in reality, I also think that I very well could meet someone else that could make me just as happy.

 

8. I really think my wife for the most part, really is in love with me still, and I don't feel like I share that same level of love. An even occurred a while back, before my affair, where one of her friends told me she had slept with someone else, and did some other non-sexual things that she knew I would not approve of, and my lightning bolt that day was not that there was a possibility she may have slept with someone, but that she had done things, and lied to me about it. I cared more about her being honest to me, than her sleeping with someone else.

 

All said, the best conclusion I can come to, is that I never as an adult (committed to first wife at age 19) took the time to get myself emotionally sorted, and have always leaned on women as an emotional pit crew, or crutch, when I think what I really need to to is be out of a relationship for a while, and come into a relationship as an emotionally strong and secure man. This is really what I want my wife to understand.

 

I need some advice or viewpoints on this!

[inhindsight]

Conf09 you have got a LOT going on.

 

My initial take on it (without having the benefit of time to think about it well) is that you should deal with your wife before making any decisions on your OW. These decisions are independent of one another. The outcome of one should not be related to the other. Break that pattern now.

 

You seem pretty determined for the relationship with your current W to NOT work, even coming up with a list of reasons on why you don't think it will work.

 

I have learned from experience NEVER to ASSUME what your BS will act like. If she says she can forgive you and love you unconditionally, then BELIEVE her, instead of saying she will use it for ammunition later. If you don't commit to making it work, then you are right, she WILL use it as ammunition because you will not have given her a reason not to.

 

Deal with your W before you can decide if you think the OW will be a good relationship down the road. That issue should not come into play at this point.

[NowhereToHide]

This is such a disturbing post on so many levels. I don't even know where to begin.

 

I am going to say something that I suggest you take very seriously... YOU NEED INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING BADLY. There is something in your personality, probably from your childhood, that is causing you to act like this. If you don't address it, you will never truly be happy with yourself or anyone else for that matter.

 

You have already left a path of destruction with your serial cheating. And you can't promise your wife that it won't happen again?

 

Get help. Get individual counseling. And get marriage counseling, too. Do it before anymore people get hurt, including your wife and children.

[Athena]

This is such a disturbing post on so many levels. I don't even know where to begin.

 

I am going to say something that I suggest you take very seriously... YOU NEED INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING BADLY.

 

I second this.

[inhindsight]

I have had time to think about this thread. ANd the only thing I can conclude is that you (the OP) feel a compulsion to engage in self-destructive behaviour. You find every excuse in the book to argue against why your relationship with your W is not good. You say that you cannot guarantee her anything that it will not happen based on the fact that you are hoping something else will come along.

You have already convinced yourself that you're pretty sure you don't return her feelings of being in love, but because you had good times, you kind of want to stay..

 

you are a classic cake-and-eat-it type, who accepts no responsibility for your future, and how it should go.

 

If you want to be a better person, look deep within and find out what it is that makes you run from committing to a relationship.

 

IC is the very minimum you should begin starting in.

 

If you know now that you don't know that you will want to be with your W at the end of this journey, then please be decent person and let her go instead of having her hang on "just in case".

[NowhereToHide]

Another thought....

 

It might be the "excitement" that you're after. You had the excitement with your now spouse in the beginning because it started as an affair. And when "real life" entered into it -- finances, children, jobs -- that excitement waned (which it always does), and now you're out "drug" seeking for your next fix.

 

I get the addiction to those feelings -- it's powerful stuff.

 

But it's time to stand up and be a man -- to your wife, your children and your responsibilities. Real life isn't a fairy tale.

[PhoenixRise]

I will say that your rather flippant attitude toward the effect all of this will have on your Kids is the most disturbing aspect of your post.

 

apparently, your kids no longer live with their biological mother. They have had their worlds turned upside down due to your cheating and leaving their mom to be with your OW.

 

NOW you have another OW and you are thinking of trading in the FOW/W, who the kids have bonded with, for a new OW and you think the kids will get over it.

 

You know....it is one thing when adults screw around and make total messes of their lives...it is another when they drag their children through the mess with them all the while crossing their fingers and hoping that the kids will get over it.

 

You want to live your life always looking over your partner's shoulder for the next best thing while your kids have no stability and continue to lose their primary relationships with the people they love and consider family.

 

I don't know if you truly deeply care about anybody other than yourself...but if you do care about your kids and their emotional well being get some help. IC. Figure out why you are so destructive and figure out how to stop it.

 

At this point, staying with your wife VS going after the new OW should be the least of your worries. Focus on healing yourself so that you can be a good father to your kids.

[JumpinJimmy]

You're a train wreck dude, and I feel sorry for your kids. It sounds like you have already made up your mind and have justified it as well. You made the committment to both wives and have betrayed both of them. It is one thing to come on this forum and display some sort of remorse for what you have done and try to do the right thing(honor your committment your current wife) but you show none of the above. Cowboy up and be a man for your kids sake. My predication is you will follow your pecker around on this one a destroy a few more lives in the process. Oh thats right, your kids will get over it. Pathetic..there you have it, you asked.

[conf09]

You're a train wreck dude, and I feel sorry for your kids. It sounds like you have already made up your mind and have justified it as well. You made the committment to both wives and have betrayed both of them. It is one thing to come on this forum and display some sort of remorse for what you have done and try to do the right thing(honor your committment your current wife) but you show none of the above. Cowboy up and be a man for your kids sake. My predication is you will follow your pecker around on this one a destroy a few more lives in the process. Oh thats right, your kids will get over it. Pathetic..there you have it, you asked.

 

Well, I was hoping for some insight from people who have gone through this type of situation. I posted on this forum because I really have nowhere to turn, but I guess this was the wrong place.

[Devil Inside]

Hey conf09...first let me say....there has been a lot of helpful words in the posts above. I know it is hard not to get defensive with some of the things people have said...but you have to understand how this looks from the outside. Go back and reread your original post...it does not look great...you have to stop being in denial about that.

 

However that said...I think that you have a few things spot on. You mention twice that it has not been a healthy pattern for you to use a new relationship to get out of another. You also talk about needing to be alone for awhile. I think that this makes a lot of sense. Using one relationship to get out of another is not something that a person with confidence and healthy esteem does. You are feeling better in these areas and the first step to that is leaving a relationship because you want to...not because you want to be with someone else.

 

In my experience it is difficult and confusing to make a big choice about one relationship when you are involve in more than one. It is hard to separate the two.

 

I would say that of the two relationships here it is easier and makes more sense to drop the relationship with the high school acquaintance. You have more of an investment with your wife...and so do your kids. I agree that some individual therapy would be instrumental in really deciding if you want to stay married. Work on this first, make a decision, and then commit.

 

I think that it is easy to use an affair as a way to get out of a relationship...without this distraction you will have to really face reality when it comes to your marriage.

 

Whether you stay or whether you divorce it would be a good idea to really work with a therapist on this pattern you have established in your life with your intimate relationships. It may not be a good idea to commit to anyone for awhile..at least until you can figure out if that is something that you can even do. This will be money well spent and will benefit you and your children.

 

We all deserve to happy...but from this angle it looks like you have a hard time doing that...so it is worth it to figure out why. I don't think the answer lies in another woman...this is about you.

 

Good luck. Let us know how things go.

[JumpinJimmy]

Conf09, sorry if you think my response was harsh..... it was. If your looking for a complicated justification for what you have done/are going through, you may get that with some posters while others are going to give you an opinion bluntly. Like I said before, you asked. If you're not prepared for the chorus of responses, then steel yourself now, there are worse.

[Athena]

Conf09, sorry if you think my response was harsh..... it was. If your looking for a complicated justification for what you have done/are going through, you may get that with some posters while others are going to give you an opinion bluntly. Like I said before, you asked. If you're not prepared for the chorus of responses, then steel yourself now, there are worse.

 

I personally thought your previous post was very good and hit on all the important points...

[hopeful1980]

I personally thought your previous post was very good and hit on all the important points...

 

As did I JJ. It really needs to be addressed about the children. As a stepmother myself, that part was like a punch in the gut. The kids have already had their world turned upside down and tried to make sense of this "new normal" only to have that ripped from them as well and simply saying "you'll get over it." It's so dismissive of their feelings and the feelings of their stepmother. I really feel for those kids.

[NowhereToHide]

Well, I was hoping for some insight from people who have gone through this type of situation. I posted on this forum because I really have nowhere to turn, but I guess this was the wrong place.

 

 

You CAN get insight from people on here... you just need to be open to it and take it to heart.

 

I am a MOW who had an A with a MM. I can tell you that the biggest thing I learned was that my affair had nothing at all to do with the AP.... after six months, I can say that it had everything to do with ME. And affairs are usually like that.

 

As much as I believed at the time that my AP was my "soulmate" (which I now think is a bogus concept), it was really all about how he made me feel. My husband had gotten to the point where he didn't really "see" me anymore... with financial strain, two kids, and everything else that enters into a marriage, we had stopped paying attention to each other. And then, this man entered into my life. He adored me, thought I was perfect, beautiful, witty, SO much better than his wife. He loved me and went out of his way to make me feel it.

 

In short, I was addicted. The feelings he gave me were my drug. I couldn't get enough of it. And I couldn't imagine going back to my marriage where I didn't get any of that. It sounded like the worst thing in the world.

 

But I AM back now, and I'm working on my marriage. And I can now say that I am grateful to have dodged the bullet that would have been me leaving my family for someone that -- now I realize -- is just an average guy. I was infatuated. Love? Not sure. But I know that my life with him would have become similar to my life with my husband.

 

I am in therapy and it has made all the difference in the world. It got me through my heartache, but also made me realize many of the reasons why I felt the need to go outside my marriage. I have a crap load of baggage that I now am aware of. It is an awakening to say the least.

 

Please try counseling before you make any rash decisions. And be open-minded to becoming aware of some of your issues. You won't be disappointed.