What's my husband's view on his ex wife?

[wife]

My husband and I love each other like crazy. He is my best friend and we get along really well. So what's the delima? He can't get rid of his ex wife, and it is ruining my trust and a lot of other stuff.

 

She used to call him, and email him at home. In the begining he responded a few times. What was talked about I don't know. We changed our numbers. She found out I had his email password, and could read her sent messages, so she began emailing him at work. Periodically he would recieve, and read emails from her starting drama about me. She called me controlling and mental at one time, however he never corrected her. I became angry and told him he needed to tell her not to email him anymore. He didn't want to, but he did it to make me happy. She flipped out and responded very hateful towards him and attacked me verbally.

 

Two months later, a week after our baby was born, she emailed him nicely asking to send her a copy of their divorce decree. He imediatly responded saying, "No problem!..." Then he managed to find it, and come to her aid. He never told me, I found out about it weeks later.

 

Two months after that, she sends him an email at work....a loong love letter telling him how much she misses him, how she's devistated about their divorce three years ago, and that he knows in his heart how much she loves him and she wishes I would let him talk to her. He reads the whole thing. And tells me about it. He decides not to respond. He decides not to block her either.

 

Three weeks later I fond an old checkbook of hers in my nightstand drawer. Their marriage licence in his shorts drawer. And stuffed away in a closet is their wedding CD, some school papers of hers and other "papers". Theese are things that somehow survived two years, and three moves. I put everything together and on the kitchen counter and said nothing. A fight came later that evening after I pulled his divorce decree out of his work bag.

 

So now, a few months later, a woman aproached me worried about her children. Said her ex husband has a crazy new girlfriend (guess who? yep, my hubby's ex wife.) and she needs to know what I have to say about this woman. So, I tell her what I know.

 

THe next day, my husband gets an email from his ex wife's sister. Accusing me of logging into her facebook, and telling the girl "secret" information. She throws out accusations against me, legal threats with no ground. My husband took three days to respond. And I made him respond. When I asked him to correct her and stick up for me he got mad.

 

Now I am begging him to block her... but he wont look into it and pretends he doesnt know how, even though i told and showed him how....

 

So, any thoughts on his side? I'd love to know what to do. Why is he so nice to her, why he wouldn't "tell her off" and then ignore her in the first place. I have allready had the "I want her out of our life" conversation with him, and he has stated the same. He told me he does not want her to contact him anymore. But when she does, he reads her emails word for word. This girl is crazy, I can't begin to tell you ladies half the things she has done for attention. I'm talking mental teenage personality living like a twisted soap opera. She's nuts. I have taken it apon myself, quite a few times, to email and confront her and ask her to leave him alone. He was not too happy about that. I was polite.

 

What do you suppose is up with my husband? We get along so well in everything else in our marriage. Sex is good, he can't keep his hands off me. We are happy and lively... we have awesome communication, except when it comes to her or anyone he's been with who is now a friend. I really don't mind, don't care about friends either. But his ex wife keeps contacting him with love letter emails and cries for attention and help.. it's getting annoying and I'm tired of being the one to confront her or "stick up" for myself.

[hopeful1980]

Do they have kids together? Why does he still have any communication with her other than children?

[wife]

No kids. They were married three years ago, for 10 months. Actually lived together for 6 weeks. After that she came in and out of his life and made him feel like he was responsible for her. I don't know the real time they last saw each other. She told me she went to his house for New YEar's 08 and he begged her to stay. And that he also would talk to her on the phone and text her wll after we met. and she tried manipulating me saying, "That's some fine fiance you have there, asking his ex wife about her boobs". He deleted all his texts, but phone records do show a good amount of communication untill he changed his phone number. Then of corse it went to emails. Her first one was, "I emailed you at work so it would be confidential."

[pkn06002]

You married someone with baggage what did you expect?

 

Silly question have you asked your husband why he still talks to her? You need to quite focusing on her and deal with why HE still feels the need to communicate with her.

 

He needs to kill all hope with her to get her to go away.

[hopeful1980]

I don't know why he talks to her at all. It would seem that if you have no kids with your ex, it's a clean break. You are free to move on with your life, as your husband seems to have done when he married and had a child with you. To keep her on a leash is cruel, imo. Not just to you, but to her as well. What kind of game is he playing? Why let her stay around? I don't understand the purpose of it, but if I were you I'd be furious.

 

This can not continue. You can't have a healthy marriage with this ex wife lingering around. She's got to go.

[EarthGirl]

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwf2qt6BJAQ

 

[Trimmer]

Silly question have you asked your husband why he still talks to her? You need to quite focusing on her and deal with why HE still feels the need to communicate with her.

 

He needs to kill all hope with her to get her to go away.

Good point. Your issue is with him: why is he not taking care of business here?

[Chrome Barracuda]

You need to tell him to make a choice. because him still having feelings with his ex wife and still inviting her into his life is ruining the marriage. He needs to take proactive steps to end this twisted relationship with her.

 

Threatening you, You needed to take a restraining order out on her and he doesnt step up? WTF where is his backbone? Does he still love her or something? You need to ask him the truth, and let it be known you will end it if he doesnt step up.

 

I couldnt have anyone threaten my wife including my ex. Why would she be calling my house harassing me anyways?

[wife]

Thanks a bunch for all your inputs. We talked about it. He seriously didnt know how to block her, outlook at work has a lock on blocking emials. So instead we made it auto-delete them ...

 

I doupt he's "holding onto her" or anything... I really didn't know why he never ignorred her in the first place though. Maybe she was just that manipulating and he was scared of fighting with her? But what's done is done. We've decided to wipe our bottoms with it and put it in the past. No more contact. No more replying. no more drama.

[Untouchable_Fire]

My husband and I love each other like crazy. He is my best friend and we get along really well. So what's the delima? He can't get rid of his ex wife, and it is ruining my trust and a lot of other stuff.

 

Granted... the XW needs to go, but that isn't an action you should control. Chill for a bit and let it happen naturally.

 

We changed our numbers. She found out I had his email password, and could read her sent messages, so she began emailing him at work. Periodically he would recieve, and read emails from her starting drama about me.

 

... Him providing passwords should be a + for trust... yet your actually going in the opposite direction. So, is this about trust... or control for you?

 

She called me controlling and mental at one time, however he never corrected her. I became angry and told him he needed to tell her not to email him anymore. He didn't want to, but he did it to make me happy. She flipped out and responded very hateful towards him and attacked me verbally.

 

He didn't disagree... which means he may know that your kind of controlling.

 

Case in point, you read the email... Then try to force him to end contact with her.

 

Two months later, a week after our baby was born, she emailed him nicely asking to send her a copy of their divorce decree. He imediatly responded saying, "No problem!..." Then he managed to find it, and come to her aid. He never told me, I found out about it weeks later.

 

This was a very minor thing, and in any normal relationship he would have told you ahead of time.

 

However, since he knows how controlling you can be... he can't tell you.

 

Three weeks later I fond an old checkbook of hers in my nightstand drawer. Their marriage licence in his shorts drawer. And stuffed away in a closet is their wedding CD, some school papers of hers and other "papers". Theese are things that somehow survived two years, and three moves. I put everything together and on the kitchen counter and said nothing. A fight came later that evening after I pulled his divorce decree out of his work bag.

 

If you treat someone like an adult, they tend to act like one. If you treat someone like a child, then tend to act like one... ect.

 

My husband took three days to respond. And I made him respond. When I asked him to correct her and stick up for me he got mad.

 

99% chance he was angry not about sticking up for you... but about your overly controlling behavior.

 

Now I am begging him to block her... but he wont look into it and pretends he doesnt know how, even though i told him how....

 

Good thing your there to make him do the right thing.

 

What do you suppose is up with my husband? We get along so well in everything else in our marriage. Sex is good, he can't keep his hands off me. We are happy and lively... we have awesome communication, except when it comes to her or anyone he's been with who is now a friend. I really don't mind, don't care about friends either. But his ex wife keeps contacting him with love letter emails and cries for attention and help.. it's getting annoying and I'm tired of being the one to confront her or "stick up" for myself.

 

Here is the deal. If you back off a bit, he may surprise you by completely removing this woman from his life, because... she does sound crazy.

 

However, if you continue trying to force him to do things... your just going to drive a permanent wedge into your marriage.

 

Tell him how you expect to be treated, then give him the room to do it. I don't know what your previous experience with men has been, but I would wager to guess that they were immature.

[wife]

So, hypathetically, if I kept in contact with my ex boyfriend, and he emailed me loveletters at work, and he didn't know my husband but he continued to bash him, that I can let him. That I can keep reading his emails, never block him and I don't need to stick up for my husband? And I am free to come to my ex's aid any time he needs something from me. Are you saying my husband should look the other way and not be bothered at all by it? Are you telling me that he has no right to feel hurt, and has no right whatsoever to do or say anything about it? Because if he did it would be controlling me?

 

So when she emails him, he reads her long loveletter. He reads her bashing me. He reads her needs and comes to her aid. Knowing in his heart that I am at home seven days post partum, breastfeeding our son, he can go do whatever he wants for her and I should be okay with that. "Sure honey, go help her out! While you're there feel free to listen to her if she needs to spill her heart out to you. I'll be here when you get home sweety!"

 

I don't complain and nag. I'm pretty laid back. If something bothers me, I tell him how I feel about it, I ask him what he thinks about it, and what he thinks we can do about it. When I found their wedding CD, her marriage licence, I didn't rub his nose in it. I put it on the counter. When he came home I asked him if he was holding onto it for some reason, because if he was then we could discuss why. If he wasn't then he can throw her stuff away. I'm not gonna do it. It's not mine to discard. However, this is OUR house and as a member of this home I don't want her stuff in my house. NOt her socks, not her underwear, not her eyeglass perscription... (yes he still had all that in his drawers that survived two years and three moves) We are married, we are partners. We have our different hobbies, our different things we like to do, but when it comes to matters of respect, we both hold our share of it. And yes, him continuing unneeded contact with her and allowing it to hurt me is disrespectfull to our household, our marriage and our family. He represents our family just as much as I do. I would never let anyone get away with talking smack about him, i'd set them straight in a heartbeat! And if he found an old wedding CD, or a photo or something like a checkbook of my ex's in my panty drawer, I am certain he would not just leave it there and say nothing.

 

Now as far as controlling goes... I don't give a rats patuna if he stays up till 2am playing rockband or fantasy football, or goese out to pluckers with the guys, or whatever makes him happy. He doesn't have a leash on his neck. But when his ex wife emails him bashing me, or sends him long lovenotes, or asks him for help and he responds nicely to it after all the bashing she's done, I feel hurt. Of corse I ask him to respect my feelings and not let it happen again. He'd do the same. If I was allowing something to continue that I knew in my heart hurt him, if I was to allow someone come in and hurt him, how would you view me? But if i'm on the opposite end, and I see he is continuing to let this hurt me, he is continuing to let it go and allow her to think he is there for her...you're saying I have no right at all to put an end to it, I have no right to put my foot down and say, "Look this needs to stop. Please block her, please do this for me, please stick up for me." Because that is controlling?

 

wow.

 

 

And what's the deal and the emphasis on the "controlling" issue? Did you have a lot of experiences with mean controlling women?

[Untouchable_Fire]

And what's the deal and the emphasis on the "controlling" issue? Did you have a lot of experiences with mean controlling women?

 

This is advice, so take it for what it's worth.

 

What your asking of your husband is not unreasonable. In fact it's something he should do without the requirement of you asking him.

 

However, judging from what your telling me of his actions, combined with the tone and wording used... it seems to me that he is consistently acting like a rebellious child instead of an adult.

 

Maybe just use this forum to vent. Give him 2 months of no pressure and see where he goes with this. If he has contact with her, let him know that it hurts your feelings, but don't ask anything of him. He might just do the right thing and force a no contact with her.

[Chrome Barracuda]

To some people maybe your actions have a similar look of controlling. But to you, it may be creating boundries in your marriage. The circle is closed and you'd like to keep it that way. There's a way to get your point across while not being bossy about it. You must temper it with classiness.

 

I dont think your controlling. But i think your husband has a backbone problems and should be stepping up and protecting his marriage. This man needs to grow a backbone. How will a marriage truly survive if outside forces constantly attack it??

 

And he's the one who's not telling them to stop? He needs to understand for your marriage to survive you got to keep the past in the past. And your right it is OUR house. and a house divided will not stand...

[mem11363]

You are not being controlling at all. Your position and your reactions are all normal and healthy.

 

Without meaning to, he is being disloyal to you. He should be totally NC with her.

 

If she somehow finds a way to get in touch to ask him for help with something - copy of divorce decree etc. He simply needs to ignore the request and ignore her. Because she is deliberately being toxic to your marriage. The very first time she said anything negative about you - she totally forfeited any communication privileges.

 

Almost everyone goes away if they are ignored.

 

 

 

 

 

So, hypathetically, if I kept in contact with my ex boyfriend, and he emailed me loveletters at work, and he didn't know my husband but he continued to bash him, that I can let him. That I can keep reading his emails, never block him and I don't need to stick up for my husband? And I am free to come to my ex's aid any time he needs something from me. Are you saying my husband should look the other way and not be bothered at all by it? Are you telling me that he has no right to feel hurt, and has no right whatsoever to do or say anything about it? Because if he did it would be controlling me?

 

So when she emails him, he reads her long loveletter. He reads her bashing me. He reads her needs and comes to her aid. Knowing in his heart that I am at home seven days post partum, breastfeeding our son, he can go do whatever he wants for her and I should be okay with that. "Sure honey, go help her out! While you're there feel free to listen to her if she needs to spill her heart out to you. I'll be here when you get home sweety!"

 

I don't complain and nag. I'm pretty laid back. If something bothers me, I tell him how I feel about it, I ask him what he thinks about it, and what he thinks we can do about it. When I found their wedding CD, her marriage licence, I didn't rub his nose in it. I put it on the counter. When he came home I asked him if he was holding onto it for some reason, because if he was then we could discuss why. If he wasn't then he can throw her stuff away. I'm not gonna do it. It's not mine to discard. However, this is OUR house and as a member of this home I don't want her stuff in my house. NOt her socks, not her underwear, not her eyeglass perscription... (yes he still had all that in his drawers that survived two years and three moves) We are married, we are partners. We have our different hobbies, our different things we like to do, but when it comes to matters of respect, we both hold our share of it. And yes, him continuing unneeded contact with her and allowing it to hurt me is disrespectfull to our household, our marriage and our family. He represents our family just as much as I do. I would never let anyone get away with talking smack about him, i'd set them straight in a heartbeat! And if he found an old wedding CD, or a photo or something like a checkbook of my ex's in my panty drawer, I am certain he would not just leave it there and say nothing.

 

Now as far as controlling goes... I don't give a rats patuna if he stays up till 2am playing rockband or fantasy football, or goese out to pluckers with the guys, or whatever makes him happy. He doesn't have a leash on his neck. But when his ex wife emails him bashing me, or sends him long lovenotes, or asks him for help and he responds nicely to it after all the bashing she's done, I feel hurt. Of corse I ask him to respect my feelings and not let it happen again. He'd do the same. If I was allowing something to continue that I knew in my heart hurt him, if I was to allow someone come in and hurt him, how would you view me? But if i'm on the opposite end, and I see he is continuing to let this hurt me, he is continuing to let it go and allow her to think he is there for her...you're saying I have no right at all to put an end to it, I have no right to put my foot down and say, "Look this needs to stop. Please block her, please do this for me, please stick up for me." Because that is controlling?

 

wow.

 

 

And what's the deal and the emphasis on the "controlling" issue? Did you have a lot of experiences with mean controlling women?

[Devil Inside]

This ex sounds like a nightmare. She may have some pretty serious personality issues. If that is the case she needs to be dealt with in a very firm manner...your husband needs to set very clear and specific boundaries with her...or she will not get it.

 

Seems like maybe your husband is not the kind of guy that directly deals with conflict. In taking his laid back approach he has made you feel like he is not taking care of his priorities (you and the baby), so I get your feelings. You may need to model for him what firm boundaries look like. Be firm and specific with what you need from him as the man of the house...seems he may need this kind of instruction.

[wife]

Thanks guys. I see your points, all of you.

 

Untouchable fire- I can see now what you saw. I took a step back and looked at it. I have a history of not wanting to be controlled or "caged" and I'd hate to know that I would be doing that to someone else. I'll try the step back approach. Perhaps he just takes a little longer to think of what he's going to say.

 

Devil- Yeah he has a problem with conflict and he has jistory of being stepped on or manipulated by her, so the underlying cycle continues even though he's moved on, and he may not notice what he's doing. I've been trying to help him with his backbone.

 

mem- thank you for your reply! since he's put her on his auto-delete list the other day, i'm sure we will hear nothing from her ever again

[OWoman]

When I found their wedding CD, her marriage licence, I didn't rub his nose in it. I put it on the counter. When he came home I asked him if he was holding onto it for some reason, because if he was then we could discuss why. If he wasn't then he can throw her stuff away. I'm not gonna do it. It's not mine to discard.

 

You're far more chilled than I am about that! I toss mail that arrives her for my H's xW on the fire, unopened, and tell callers that call here for her that she clearly doesn't want their call if she's not bothered to give them her new number since she moved, almost a year ago... My H asked me to sort through a box of junk she'd left, as he found it too painful - so I fished out a couple of baby pics for the kids, and burned the rest of the photos, old birthday cards, etc unread. It was therapeutic for all of us. She has no place in this house if it's to be our home.

 

I'm glad you found a way to block the emails. Hopefully she'll get the message!

[wife]

wow. Got a point there Window. I didn't see that and I posted it LOL!

 

 

Just want to update and close this out. It's been a while since last contact was made. He blocked her, hasn't heard from her since. I have let it go, haven't mentined a word about it, neither has he. I believe we've made progress! She's 100% gone!

 

Oh, and I'm pregnant again! So much for working out the baby fat from our 10 month old! But you know what? It feels so good that "she" has no idea what's going on in our life and "she" is not a part of it! woohoo