jimjam8787 Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 First of all, apologies for the length of this post, I know it is long but don't read it if you don't want to, I just would really appreciate some non-biased advice. When I started at university in september 2007, I immediately became close to this guy in my flat. We became best friends and were really close. There was nothing romantic in it at all until about december time when we had a drunken kiss and from then on, we'd fool around most nights, cuddle, kiss and sleep together etc. I lost my virginity to him. He didn't know I was a virgin at the time. This continued all the time, literally pretty much every night. I began to fall in love with him. Not only was he my best friend but I soon saw this other side to him, he was just amazing. In february it was his birthday, and his ex girlfriend came to stay to celebrate with us. He slept with me the night before she arrived, and that was it, I hardly saw him for the 5 days she was down to stay. They were basically holed up in his room, opposite from mine, having sex all the time. It hurt like hell. On the night of his actual birthday, I noticed that his ex kept trying to hold his hand and cuddle him and stuff but he kept looking at me, seeing that I saw and would snap his hand away and stuff. Literally I can't describe how much that hurt. I wasn't even aware that his ex was coming to stay and to know that he was sleeping with her and holding her like he did me across the hall for those 5 days was awful. Anyway she went away again and I had like a week distancing myself from him, telling myself to remember how much that hurt and that he was no good for me etc. But I was weak and after about 10 days we began to fall into the same old pattern. I should say at this point that I'd only had 2 boyfriends before and was pretty much convinced no guy was ever going to like me. I had, and still do have very low self esteem. However on a night out, I kissed a guy in a club cos I was feeling so down about the situation and just desperately needed to feel wanted. My flatmate saw and stormed off. When we got back to our halls he went absolutely mad at me and he told me he'd never felt so jealous and upset in his entire life. It came to april and we began to spend a lot more time together, every day 24/7. I knew though that during this time, he was texting his ex a lot aswell. Term was ending and I knew he was going to go home and I kind of resigned myself to the fact that he was going to get back together with her. I would try not to think about it but every so often it'd catch me and I'd have to go and cry and stuff. Despite all the heartache, he was still my best friend and we'd have a fantastic time together. I've literally never connected with anyone as much as him. I still am yet to meet anyone that I have connected with on the same level. So May arrived and he was going to leave a few days before me. I was inconsolable the day he left, we spoke for a little while and he said that he didn't really know what he wanted in regards to us. As he drove away I thought my heart was going to break. I didn't think I'd see him all summer because I was convinced that he'd go back to his ex and I'd just be totally forgotten about. On my second to last day of university I texted him saying that I wanted him to leave me alone, if he wanted to be with me he could be, but he obviously didn't want to be so I wanted to be left alone. He replied saying that he didn't know what he wanted, that his ex wanted to get back together with him but he didn't know which one of us he wanted. I didn't reply. On my final day, he came to surprise me. He said he wanted to spend my last day with me and that he'd missed me loads. We spoke and he said I was undermining myself. He said that whatever happened between me and him, I was a great girl and any guy would be lucky to have me and that he was an idiot for not being able to decide. When we both left the next morning, he said I should go to visit him at his house in 2 weeks. I did and it was fantastic. We had such a good time. On the morning I was due to leave I asked him what this meant. He said he still didn't know. That broke my heart more than anything in the world. I cried all the way home. In the next 2 weeks he said he wanted to come and visit me at my home in London. He came to stay and something had changed. He was attentive and affectionate and I knew something was different. He told me he was going to move into our university 2nd year house earlier because he'd got a job there and was bored at home, and as I'd also got a job there, we went back to our university town about 6 weeks before our other housemates joined us. On our second night there, he said to me "I want us to be together, let's not mess this up". And so we began. I still hated the fact that he texted his ex girlfriend as I was convinced she was going to steal him away from me but I kept telling myself it'd be okay. We had 4 months of being so in love with eachother. I was so unbelievably happy. I literally loved him like I never thought possible. Then one day, I was using his computer, and went to watch an episode of sex and the city. When I loaded his media player up, the last played video was a camera file. Curiosity got the better of me. I clicked on it and it was a sex tape of him and his ex gf. I have literally never been so devastated in my entire life. I confronted him and he tried to fend it off as a mistake, and I believed him at first. But over the coming months, due to his general stupidness and not covering his tracks properly. I discovered that he had emailed girls from sex websites swapping and requesting pictures, and also had a huge log of sex videos and photos from his time with his ex girlfriend. This abused my trust so badly, I kept finding them and I kept forgiving him, believing it'd be the last time. I had absolutely no self esteem left at all and didn't understand why he was with me. On the final time, I said that I wanted him to delete everything in front of me. It took him 3 weeks to do this. Every day I'd ask him to do it and he'd say "Yeah I'll do it later". Eventually after 3 weeks, he deleted everything in front of me. I didn't trust him that it was gone though. I'm not sure I believe him that it's really gone to this day. Anyway we built on our relationship and very slowly I began to trust him again. It got to april this year and we discussed housing arrangements for next year. It was decided that me him and his friend would get a place together. Meanwhile our relationship was fine, we were best friends, affectionate and loving and we were genuinely okay. I never felt ok with him texting his ex again, and I still hate it when he texts her, but I think that's understandable. I guess I've never felt good enough for him ever. When we moved into our flat in June this year, we were ok for like 2 weeks, then on our year anniversary he broke up with me saying he wasn't happy anymore. I was devastated. It hurt beyond my wildest dreams. Being in love with this guy for almost 2 years, going through all the hurt and heartache he put me through with his ex, the porn, everything else, it just killed me. About 3 days later, my girlfriends from home came to stay. We went out for a girls night out, and I met a guy. He was really nice and funny and cute and most of all, he made me feel wanted and attractive. He wanted me to go back to his hotel room with him, I said no and all we did was kiss a few times. My ex found out and went absolutely mad. He literally went mental. He said he wanted to try again and that he didn't want me with another guy. We tried again but after a week he said that I'd abused his trust so badly by kissing another guy that he couldn't be with me anymore and that he didn't love me anymore. This was about a month ago. I miss him so so badly. He's my first love, the guy I lost my virginity to, he's just everything to me. We live together so I see him all the time but not being able to hold him, touch him or go to bed cuddling him like we used to, it just kills me. I cry myself to sleep every night. I wish I could leave but I'm in my final university year. I'm trying to concentrate on my course but I'm just dying inside. I love him, I really do. I'm so mad at him for ruining our relationship in the first place, but I know I was wrong to kiss the other guy. I don't know what to do. He says we can take things slow and see if we want to try again, but for now he just wants to "enjoy eachothers company". Why isn't this hurting him like it is me. He said he loved me more than anything in the world once upon a time. This relationship has been a total mindscrew from start to finish. But we live together and I feel that we should try to give it another go. Neither of us will find anyone else while we're still living together. Occasionally he tells me he loves me still and he still asks me to sleep with him and we have sex still and everything. I just don't know what to do. I'm at a loss. He keeps saying he doesn't think he can trust me ever again. Which kills me as, before everything else, he was my best friend, he still is. He's my absolute world. Any advice would be appreciated. Once again, really sorry for the length, feels really good to get that all out though!
Lucky_One Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 You are still having sex with him?????? :mad::mad:
Author jimjam8787 Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 I know... I guess I literally don't know any different, plus I'm weak as hell and I love him. I'm so mad at myself, but I don't know what to do to make this hurt any less!
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