A breakup with a twist

[justdana]

Briefly:

 

I'm nine days out of a six-year relationship. We had a few breaks in there for various reasons, but this time, I can absolutely acknowledge that it's ALL my fault. I've had a crapload of stress on my end (most notably, moving back in with my mother, thus exposing myself to her unrelenting toxicity again; I'm back in therapy for this again for the first time since my late teens), but I never should have let it spill over into my relationship. I became crabby and impossible to live with, reaching the point of obsessing over his whereabouts and FREAKING the eff out if he didn't call frequently. Finally, he had enough and said so. Although I did the typical, "oh-my-god-please-don't-leave-me" during our conversation, it took approximately five minutes after we hung up the phone for me to realize that I couldn't blame the guy. That got me past the initial shock, and this enabled me to bypass most of the grieving and head straight into reflection. I'm human, though.

 

I've gone mostly NC from my end, and he sent a text message Friday to tell me that we would talk again at some point, but that he needed time (I responded with, "Okay, hope you're well"). I have also noticed and perhaps foolishly taken some comfort in the fact that he has neither changed his Facebook relationship status nor has he removed any of our pictures (hello, eighth grade!). I'm not clairvoyant, but if I were a betting woman, I'd say he overreacted to MY overreaction and just needs space. This is generally how it tends to play out with him.

 

BUT.

 

Now I've seen the ugly truth about myself, and I can't UN-see it. I have drafted a brief letter to him explaining that I understand what went wrong and that I pushed him too far. Rather than ask for forgiveness and another chance, however, I want us to continue to spend some time apart. I will use this time to work on extricating myself from a position of wanting to make someone else the center of my universe while completely ignoring my own interests, thus making myself a very one-dimensional person. I don't want him to feel that I don't want him anymore, because I very much DO, but I think the key to breaking this ridiculous cycle of breaking up and reconciling is to cure the illness rather than treat the symptoms. And if I take this time to work on myself, I'll be great with him or without him (although I'd rather be WITH him, honestly).

 

Is the letter a good idea or a bad one, and why?

[ecm]

I don't know if it's a good idea or a bad one, but I'm jealous of you for realizing that and wanting to work on it

 

Reasons it could be bad:

-he might not react well, or at all, making you rethink what you said in the letter. You feel empowered now b/c of your revelation, but if he runs, you might be weak.

 

-it's kind of breaking NC

 

-he might start chasing you hard-core if he thinks you're pulling back... and it might make you weak

 

I hope it works out. I just wanted to share what I think are potential "negatives"

[justdana]

Thanks, ecm, and I've considered the first two outcomes already. The third one has me reconsidering my idea.

 

It's been a very long time coming, this realization. I just took some time out of my routine to honestly acknowledge the pattern, what happens when we're apart, and what leads us back together.

 

In the beginning, I was a young professional with a fabulous career and lucrative hobbies. HE was the one making all the moves to keep ME. He was the only person I've ever dated who went to the trouble of formally asking me to be his girlfriend (a really romantic gesture, actually; I melt just thinking about it). As long as I was busy, we stayed happy. Unfortunately, about seven months in, I lost the career, became deeply depressed, and began fixating on him. We remained together for another year before our first breakup. In retrospect, I see how he tried to be there, and I see how I gave up on myself.

 

The "end" always comes when I begin looking to him for 100% of my happiness. That's a lot of pressure, but only now do I truly understand why that is: apart from it being unhealthy for me, it leaves no room for simple human error on his part. Because it's the only aspect of my existence from which I derive any sort of pleasure, I eventually begin blowing up over minor infractions (such as neglecting to text me periodically and not answering the phone the very first time I call, everytime I call -- things I traditionally care nothing about). We reconcile, without exception, whenever I begin finding fulfillment outside the relationship again.

 

Ironically, every other relationship I've lost was lost because I was too detached, or because I was not dependent enough upon the other person. I cannot seem to find middle ground, and although my knee-jerk reaction was to mourn the loss once again, I now see it as an opportunity to honestly correct the behavior that always leads us to this point, whether he'll see it or I take satisfaction in it for myself.

[leap83]

I would send the letter. I wrote a letter to my ex as well and am doing the exact same thing you are. He might read it - he might not. He might react - he might not. BUT getting it off your chest is important.

[justdana]

I just posted a response, I swear. It must have been eaten by the Internet.

 

*ahem*

 

I wish you luck, leap83. I sent my letter off about two hours ago (would've been better to send a handwritten one, probably, but he checks his mail about once every two weeks, if THAT often). No response so far. Of course, I don't think he's had a chance to read it yet, but I feel so much better for simply having apologized for my actions that it actually matters less whether or not I hear from him. I have a lot of work to do on myself.

 

[justdana]

As of today, his Facebook status still reflects that we are in a relationship. I know he's been on, but he has not changed it. I am so ashamed of myself for so many things when it comes to this, most notably for not having the strength to rip off that band-aid, myself (or for even using Facebook status to gauge his feelings/uncertainty/anything). Still, I find myself thinking that his refusal to change this means he's struggling with it, too, maybe just a little.

 

The letter felt so good to write and even better to send, but I have to say that I'm quite disappointed for not having listened to the voice inside my head -- the one that ecm mentioned in an earlier reply -- that said that not having any contact would make me feel bad again. Sadly, it did. I suppose on some level, I had hoped this would make him feel that speaking to me was safe once again. I think I can recognize the faults within myself and still miss him. I mean, I know I can. I do.

 

I recognize that just as it takes two to make a relationship, it takes two to break it, and I cannot honestly shoulder the entirety of the blame on my own. But, I know I was out of line this last time. You cannot ask someone to change if you are not willing to meet them halfway. I preached so much about the art of compromise without really doing much of that, myself. In the end, I was very selfish and unforgiving when it came to really small things, and I truly do want him to know that I'm sorry and that I understand where he's coming from.

 

Anyway, just as I was typing this, another friend of mine sent out one of her usually inane chain emails. This one hit me so hard that I burst into tears after reading it (haven't cried for a few days). It talks about decreasing negativity in your life in order to have a more positive existence, yourself. Then there was this line:

 

"The simple but true fact of life is that you become like those with whom you closely associate -- for the good and the bad."

 

And I'm reminded once more of what I drain I became on him through looking for a rescuer, giving up activities and interests because I wanted to babysit our relationship, and allowing my own repeated and unavoidable brush with negativity to poison my worldview.

 

The fact that he has not contacted me does not make the words I sent him any less true, and that's what keeps me going right now. I know I can do better, and I shall. Today, though, I'm so ashamed and so hurt by what I did to myself, and I think I just need to sit with that for a while, lest I ever forget.

 

Thanks for reading.

[leap83]

Ultimately, NC is the best idea for both of you. You don't want that limited contact - trust me. It screws you up even more and ruins ANY chances you 2 might have of reconciliation. So, you did the right thing. You need to work on yourself and today is the day you begin to do just that! I hope that in your letter you didn't imply that there is not a chance between you 2 in the future. I finished off mine by saying "I hope that after I'm done with putting myself back together, if it's not too late in your books, we can start from the scratch and build the proper friendship we should have initially built." That way I left the doors open to staying in touch with him in the future. However, mine replied the next day stating that I take too much onto myself for the demise of our relationship and that he believes it was a teamwork effort - wrong timing for the both of us. Then he stated how he's going to give me all of the time I require and that he just wanted to acknowledge my letter. I didn't reply to that. I just went NC.

 

I believe this gives us some sort of hope if not getting back together, then staying friends. Because if we were in limited contact, it would be a mess. He would be confused. I would be confused and in the end we would grow apart. Like this, we're not necessarily growing apart. We're living our lives and in the future, when we start talking, we'll be more calm and it would just work better. That's how I view it. I think you should view it that way as well.

 

NC is the best thing EVER created. It not only helps you heal, but it also gives you time to work on yourself and analyze what happened so that when you do finally meet, it is a much BETTER situation than forcing it now. NOW is the bad timing. FUTURE might not be! So keep that in mind.

[justdana]

I didn't close the door. I just acknowledged the problem, apologized for what I said and did, and told him that I understood why he had to go. I ended it by telling him that although I loved and missed him and always would, I'm learning to love myself again, too. My goal, I said, was to reignite my passions, resume my hobbies and work on BEING a good companion before expecting to HAVE one.

 

I didn't really address ending it, putting it on hold, or picking up again later. It was just a simple, "You're right and I'm sorry" kind of deal.

 

I will say, though, that I could not be his friend. I love him so much, and I cannot accept being a part of his life knowing that someone else will someday have a life with him. That thought paralyzes me, even if it's through my own actions that the situation is what it is right now.

 

I will be going straight back to NC from this point on, as much as it makes me feel sad to not be able to speak to him. It's funny how much that fluctuates from day to day, or even hour to hour. I find that the mornings are much more difficult for me than the evenings, and by this afternoon, I'm sure I'll be okay again.

[Weezy]

Quit looking at that Facebook S@#5. It's gonna feel like a hot knife getting stabbed in your stomach if and when he does change it. If you don't check, you'll never know and in this situation, ignorance is bliss.

 

As a male, I know that I've broken it off or needed space when a chick has gotten like this, only to take a few weeks off and realize that she is a chick so they do get over emotional and tend to blow up our cell phones.

 

Just go NC and start healing. Trust me, its the best thing for ya. If he calls and wants to talk or hang out, then you can, but until then, just chill.

 

There often is no right and wrongs in relationships unless cheating or hitting is involved, don't take all the blame yourself.

[justdana]

Agreed on the Facebook stuff. I'm not sure what to make of this, though:

 

As a male, I know that I've broken it off or needed space when a chick has gotten like this, only to take a few weeks off and realize that she is a chick so they do get over emotional and tend to blow up our cell phones.

 

Are you saying that while the initial event that causes you to break it off/ask for space is maddening, you ultimately change your mind because she's a chick and you realize that chicks get over-emotional sometimes? Or are you saying that you took the break, thought everything was fine after you received a nice apology letter from the girl, but she ended up giving into her emotions and blowing up your phone, thus affirming your decision to kick her whiny butt to the curb?

 

Sorry, just asking for clarification.

 

For the record, I have not called yet and certainly do not plan to. That's a line I won't cross. Since I know he's not one to check mail on a regular, predictable basis (electronic or otherwise), this was a way for me to get the message to him without it being in his face. He can read it when he gets to it, or it can collect e-dust. I have to say that I'm rather proud of myself for keeping my cool about this. I'm sad, sure. Who wouldn't be? I made a mistake, and it may have cost me big time. I think it's appropriate to feel remorse. I'm not letting it control me, though.

[Weezy]

Agreed on the Facebook stuff. I'm not sure what to make of this, though:

 

 

 

Are you saying that while the initial event that causes you to break it off/ask for space is maddening, you ultimately change your mind because she's a chick and you realize that chicks get over-emotional sometimes?

 

Exactly. Just give him space and it will all work out for the best.

[justdana]

He just called me. Said he's also been checking Facebook incessantly. I laughed and asked why. He said, "Well, I wanted to see how you were." I knew he had a test this week and he confirmed this as his reason for being quiet. We made small talk until a lull in the conversation occurred about twenty minutes in. I said, "Well, I'm very glad to have heard from you, and I'm glad your schoolwork is going well. So, um... I guess there's no reason for us to talk after this." He said, "No, I want to talk. We just missed our weekend (we spend weekends together), but maybe I can bring you lunch tomorrow." I told him tomorrow wouldn't be good for me (it's really not) and he said, "Okay, I guess we have the weekend coming up after that."

 

I felt very positive about this until he said, "Take care" at the end of our call instead of "I love you." My stomach fell to the floor. I didn't miss a beat, though, and I rolled right through that "take care" as if nothing was wrong.

 

So maybe this is really it. Either way, I'm moving forward.

[bayouboi]

You made yourself unavailable on the lunch thing, so I think his "take care" response was just to protect himself. He's probably just as unsure of where y'all stand as you are.

[justdana]

Well, it wasn't an excuse; I work in a hospital and can't just meet for lunch when I'm working. He knows this, so that's not the issue.

 

Guys, when you're sure you want to end things, do you ever see any point in having a break-up date if the two of you have already had it out and you told her you were through ten days earlier?

[justdana]

Um, yeah.

 

Yesterday afternoon/evening was a bit of a rollercoaster. We talked again after my last post, and he made it sound like coming to see me was just a friendly check-up. I initially agreed to see him for a few minutes at work, but thought about it for a while and called him back. It would just be too much for me to deal with, and I saw no reason for him to continue keeping in touch with me if we were done. I said, "This has to be goodbye. I can't devote another second to thinking about this. I'm sorry, I love you, but I can't be your friend. It's fine, I promise. Don't worry about me, don't feel guilty about anything. Just go." He said, "Hon, we don't have to do that! If this was dead to me, I wouldn't have called you." We talked for a bit longer and he told me specifically what his issue was (enough time for his studies; I don't interfere, necessarily, except when the arguments were happening). As a solution, he came up with new contact/time parameters (instead of every weekend, I'm going over there three weekends out of the month, and we'll talk briefly once a day, either by text or phone). He sounded upbeat. Then he said "I love you" and we hung up.

 

This morning, I sent him a text message to wish him a wonderful day. Nothing mushy, just, "Hey - hope your day is a good one." No response. Six hours later, I tried calling. Still nothing. I have set my limit for contact attempts at two per day. I've reached that already (god, I'm weak), so I guess that's me on the bench until he decides to return the favor.

 

I'm just kind of wondering why he didn't take the out when I gave it to him. When I made the goodbye call last night, there was no drama whatsoever. I didn't even cry. I was sweet, very complimentary, and said that I understood the problem and didn't want this to linger any longer than it had to. I can honestly say that I gave him no reason whatsoever to believe he "had" to tell me he wanted to work this out. I know, it hasn't even been 24 hours since we last spoke, and no, I don't NEED to talk to him... I guess I'm just having a bit of trouble seeing that this is what he really wants to do.

 

I've probably broken some unspoken rule about reconciliation by even trying to get in touch. Should I keep with NC from my end, even if we've agreed to give this another go? I'm supposed to go over there Saturday, but I'm scared as hell to even attempt to call him and confirm, as though doing so will make me look too clingy. But I don't want to just show up and be turned away.

[leap83]

If it was me in your shoes, I would not go on Saturday. I would keep myself busy and pretend like nothing was said. It's pretty obvious he wants the "last punch". He's playing you. It's time for you to move on.

[justdana]

You may be right, leap.

 

I think an even more pressing concern in this is that in my haste to show him that I could be aloof, too, I actually suggested something that I am not comfortable with, which is only talking as he is driving to work. I'm concerned because it undermines my self-respect, and I really want to get that right this time. Not for him, but for me. I'm not okay with not having enough time to hear about his day, but because I thought it would sweeten the deal, I said, "Hey. I'm so thrilled to hear you don't want to let this go that I'm going to go incommunicado for 99% of the day to show you how much I care." It's an offer he couldn't (or at least didn't) refuse.

 

Here's what happened: Because he knew we wouldn't be talking, he turned off his phone and left it in the car all day after class (yes, he does this unless he's expecting a call from someone; he doesn't have an indoor charger for his phone, so he leaves it in his car to charge while he sleeps). He phoned on his way into work. I nonchalantly told him that I was worried about him, since we hadn't spoken. He said, "What do you mean? You said you wanted me to call on my way in to work." And then I remembered what I said. When we talked last night, it seemed just like all of our conversations, except without the arguing. It was almost as if nothing had happened. BUT, in the interest of self-preservation, I am not contacting him at all for a while. If he wants to talk, god knows he has my number. Otherwise, I'm staying true to my initial plan, which is to only invest energy in myself for a while. I can do that and still be with him. I love him dearly, but if he thinks I'm doing all the work after HE said he wanted this when *I* tried to call it a day, he's wrong. I'm not begging for table scraps. I'm better than that.