Ilovecake Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Even though I feel like I’ve made extreme strides in the last year I still feel like there are definitely a few unresolved issues that are really weighing me down. The main thing is the anger. You know everyone says that everything will be fine once I resolve to forgive the ex, but how do you do that? I mean how do I just tell myself OK I’m no longer angry? It seems impossible. Most days I feel like OK I’m pretty much over him, I’ve got better things going on but then something happens to make me so mad and I carry that feeling around for days. For example yesterday was his birthday and yeah I though about it for a minute or two. I wondered what his new girlfriend is doing for him, what he’s up to. I watched the Bears game and knew he would be watching it too. However I didn’t feel anything specific like sad or angry, just sort of indifferent. Today I see him post on a forum that I regularly post on about what he did for his birthday. Before you say don’t go to that forum, last time we spoke he told me he will no longer post there and hasn’t in months. I started feeling so sad and angry all of a sudden. I remembered that last year in September on my birthday he was telling me he doesn’t love me and was being really mean to me all day and than the next morning he dumped me. I thought about how on his birthday last year while I was out with my friends he was secretly moving all his stuff out behind my back and how I came home to a half empty house. I started thinking about the year before when he did absolutely nothing for my birthday and when I got upset he told me birthdays don’t mean anything to him. Why should any of that still matter to me? I’ve been angry about it a thousand times already. Why do these feelings of anger and hurt keep coming back? Most importantly how do I make it stop? He wasn’t a good boyfriend; I don’t want him back but for some strange reason when I hear about his life now I want him to want me more than anything in this world. I want him to beg me to come back. I want to be in the position where I can reject him and hurt him as badly as he hurt me. I hate being a person that wished badly on someone but I’m happiest when I find out that something bad has happened to him. I feel pathetic today. Can someone tell me how they have dealt with and gotten over the residual anger?
JaggedRoad Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 I'm in the process of getting therapy for my anger. You should try the same.
Author Ilovecake Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 I'm in therapy as well and it has helped a lot in many ways. Unfortunately I was in the worst shape of my life right after the breakup. I've had a history of depression and severe anxiety. My ex really did a number on my self esteem so I literally had a nervous breakdown when he dumped me. For months I could hardly leave the house, I made myself go to work but it would take me 3 hours to convince myself to leave the house. I was a mess and it was really hard. Like I said above it's been a year and I'm just now starting to sleep through most of the nights and am actually getting my appetite back and making myself go out with friends and actually have fun when I do. I feel like I have made many strides but just can't reach that forgiveness stage.
deux ex machina Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 ...However I didn’t feel anything specific like sad or angry, just sort of indifferent. Today I see him post on a forum that I regularly post on about what he did for his birthday. Before you say don’t go to that forum, last time we spoke he told me he will no longer post there and hasn’t in months. I started feeling so sad and angry all of a sudden. I remembered that last year in September on my birthday he was telling me he doesn’t love me and was being really mean to me all day and than the next morning he dumped me. I thought about how on his birthday last year while I was out with my friends he was secretly moving all his stuff out behind my back and how I came home to a half empty house. I started thinking about the year before when he did absolutely nothing for my birthday and when I got upset he told me birthdays don’t mean anything to him. Why should any of that still matter to me? I’ve been angry about it a thousand times already. Why do these feelings of anger and hurt keep coming back? Most importantly how do I make it stop? He wasn’t a good boyfriend; I don’t want him back but for some strange reason when I hear about his life now I want him to want me more than anything in this world. I want him to beg me to come back. I want to be in the position where I can reject him and hurt him as badly as he hurt me. I hate being a person that wished badly on someone but I’m happiest when I find out that something bad has happened to him. I feel pathetic today. Can someone tell me how they have dealt with and gotten over the residual anger? Feeling strong emotions like that is helpful to you if you can get to the reasons behind them. Usually some basic needs not being met, I am discovering. I bolded some of the quote. Maybe it's pointing to a need to feel significant or needed - like you are contributing to the world/community in some way? Also, if you can forgive yourself for any mistakes you feel you have made, that might be helpful. Good luck!
Author Ilovecake Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 Thanks d e m. Someone else has mentioned the fact that I need to forgive myself for letting him treat me like a door mat. That once I can see my actions in the relationship I will much easier be able to forgive him. I’m just really lost to the whole concept of how a person goes about forgiving themselves for something? Right now all I can see is everything that he did wrong and yeah I’m angry with myself for allowing him to treat me the way his did for so long and giving my power to him. I just don’t know how to go about the whole forgiveness thing. How do I make a conscious effort to change my feelings? Unless I really feel OK with it just saying it would be fake. I went through 4 years of brushing his behavior under the rug and thinking I was forgiving him for it but all that anger is coming out now because deep down inside I never forgave him for anything I just made an unconscious decision to put up with certain things so that I’m not alone. I need to know what concrete steps a person takes to reach true forgiveness like that?
on edge Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 OP, I am glad that you are in therapy, it has helped me immensely. I also had a lot of difficulty with anger, and talking about it candidly was the best thing that I did to deal with it.
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