Update

[fooled once]

I am well aware that I may end up alone. I can't stay married to a man I don't love in the right way because I'm afraid of the unknown. My H doesn't want that either. He knows I would be "settling" and despite how this started, he is a good man and he wants me to be taken care of and he has enough self respect to not want to be in a relationship where his wife is settling.

 

My OMM really does love me. I truly believe that we will be together. If I gave him an ultimatum now, I think he would let me go. But, I don't think he would really be able to let me go. He would be tortured. I don't know if he would remain tortured as punishment, like others talk about in other threads I have read or if he would eventually take the leap to be with me. So I am making the choice to give him time to work through things. Leaving his family goes against everything he believes in. He needs to decide what he believes in more and what decision he can and can't live with. I believe that one day he will move those mountains for me.

 

My H will not tell his wife. My husband has a lot of faults, but he is not vindictive or hurtful. He is moving on with his life and we are still good friends.

 

You are missing my point.

 

What is wrong with being alone? what is wrong with being ON YOUR OWN and not taken care of by a man? What happened to YOU along the way where you have decided you must be taken care of by a man.

 

If I remember correctly, you have at least 4 years of waiting to do. And instead of longing for a man you cannot have, why not go out and date? Why not find out who YOU are? Why not work on YOU? It is so sad to see such weak women who must have a man in their life to take care of them and who are willing to settle for crumbs instead of taking a stand and saying NO MORE.

 

You won't give him an ultimateum because you know you will not win that one. It isn't because of any other reason and you know that deep inside. You keep talking about how he needs time..... time to what? raise his kids?

 

*sigh*

 

I can see you 5 years from now, posting on here who he can't leave his wife because of ..... whatever the new reason is. And I can see you still waiting and waiting for him....

[Devil Inside]

 

3 weeks ago, after spending a night away with my married other man - I ached - just like I did every time I saw him. This time, the pain gave me the strength to write this email to me, and I haven't heard from him since:

 

"I want one man who will make love to only me. Guess it doesn't matter what you say to me - or when you say it. (explanation: he would go from one extreme and declare his feelings and then retreat and be distant-the cycle).

 

The reality is - You make love to your wife, and I am unable to accept being your second choice."

 

I'm thankful I finally got the courage to face myself.

 

All the best to you...

 

 

Actions SCREAM and words whisper. Congratulations to you for loving yourself enough to demand this and not accept any less.

[HisSweetThing]

You are WAY to invested in him. Step back.

 

I am completely invested in him. I don't know how not to be.

 

My divorce is just now becoming public knowledge. If I think there is even a remote possibility that there could be a spark, or something there with another man, I will date and explore that. However, I can't think of one person I know at this moment that would even come close to that. I am just not attracted to anyone else. But thank you so much for your advice.

[HisSweetThing]

I guess the only thing that would be concerning is that this has the potential to never have a happy ending for you. As long as you remain very realistic about this, then you have to choose what you want.

 

Good luck. I am impressed that you and your soon to be ex are handling the divorce so well. Just be sure to stay grounded in reality...life is short.

 

Life is very short. I am trying to be realistic. I know, in my head, that he may never be mine. But my heart has a harder time with that. You have shared so much of yourself on LS. I have been reading your posts. They have helped me more than you will ever know.

[HisSweetThing]

When you are the person that has soooooo much more invested as you seemingly do, HisSweetThing, you are destined to hurt yourself more than your MOM could ever do to you. If you are going to make any changes, you will do it when you are ready. The only advice I have is when you feel pain during this roller coaster of a relationship - don't turn away from it - face it - and go right through it. You will grow stronger each time you don't run away from the pain.

 

3 weeks ago, after spending a night away with my married other man - I ached - just like I did every time I saw him.

 

I try to run from the pain, but it's always there. I don't know how to face it.

 

Every time I am with OMM, the pain of watching him leave utterly destroys me. I want so much to be with him and that's the price I pay. Many times I have felt that the pain was too much to bear, that maybe the pain of losing him would be better. I try to become stronger from that pain - maybe one day I will be strong enough. But for now, here I am.

[coconutcupcake]

Actions SCREAM and words whisper. Congratulations to you for loving yourself enough to demand this and not accept any less.

 

Thank you for your support. I have read many of your posts, and you do definitely have a way with words that I appreciate. I am printing your quote on Actions v Words and will carry it with me.

[HisSweetThing]

You are missing my point.

 

What is wrong with being alone? what is wrong with being ON YOUR OWN and not taken care of by a man? What happened to YOU along the way where you have decided you must be taken care of by a man.

 

If I remember correctly, you have at least 4 years of waiting to do. And instead of longing for a man you cannot have, why not go out and date? Why not find out who YOU are? Why not work on YOU? It is so sad to see such weak women who must have a man in their life to take care of them and who are willing to settle for crumbs instead of taking a stand and saying NO MORE.

 

You won't give him an ultimateum because you know you will not win that one. It isn't because of any other reason and you know that deep inside. You keep talking about how he needs time..... time to what? raise his kids?

 

*sigh*

 

I can see you 5 years from now, posting on here who he can't leave his wife because of ..... whatever the new reason is. And I can see you still waiting and waiting for him....

 

There is nothing wrong with being alone. I don't need a man to take care of me. I am about to be out on my own. Other than having a weak heart for my OMM, I am a very strong person. Working on myself is a constant thing in my life - I am educated - I have a college degree, I work, I teach classes at the gym. I stay busy. I am always doing something. I have not lost sight of who I am along the way. I have actually learned a lot about myself throughout this entire process.

 

I possibly have four years ahead of me and I do intend to date. My divorce still isn't public knowledge yet. We just told the kids.

 

I am well aware I would lose him right now if I gave him an ultimatum. I think I said that. He does need time. He is struggling to make a decision. He wants to do what is right and I'm not sure he's figured out what the right decision is for him yet. He knows what should be right, but his heart is telling him something else. And let's not forget that I need him right now. What is wrong with needing someone you love?

[NowhereToHide]

There is nothing wrong with being alone. I don't need a man to take care of me. I am about to be out on my own. Other than having a weak heart for my OMM, I am a very strong person. Working on myself is a constant thing in my life - I am educated - I have a college degree, I work, I teach classes at the gym. I stay busy. I am always doing something. I have not lost sight of who I am along the way. I have actually learned a lot about myself throughout this entire process.

 

I possibly have four years ahead of me and I do intend to date. My divorce still isn't public knowledge yet. We just told the kids.

 

I am well aware I would lose him right now if I gave him an ultimatum. I think I said that. He does need time. He is struggling to make a decision. He wants to do what is right and I'm not sure he's figured out what the right decision is for him yet. He knows what should be right, but his heart is telling him something else. And let's not forget that I need him right now. What is wrong with needing someone you love?

 

 

There is nothing at all wrong with needing someone you love. And, yes, I know all about not being able to "choose" who you love.

 

I think what some of the other, more experienced OWs on here are trying to tell you is not to put your life on hold for something that may not happen.

 

Don't give more to him than you are willing to give to yourself.

[NoIDidn't]

I think what some of the other, more experienced OWs on here are trying to tell you is not to put your life on hold for something that may not happen.

 

Don't give more to him than you are willing to give to yourself.

 

Not that I have been keeping up with this thread, but I get what they are saying to.

 

Its "don't make someone a priority, when you are an option".

[HisSweetThing]

NTH and NID - thank you. I understand what you are saying.

[Mr. Lucky]

My OMM is still struggling. Struggling with this image he has of himself, I think, more than anything else. But, also with the church, his kids, extended family, money, etc. He said if this had happened a few years ago, when his wife was having drug addiction problems, he would have left in a heartbeat. That's why I think the biggest struggle for him is reconciling this image he has always had of himself and who he is - the image he has always projected to the world against who he thinks he would be if he walked out on his family to be with me. I think he struggles with being seen as the bad guy.

So in his mind, the actual fact of cheating on his wife is OK, but the idea of being labelled a cheater is unbearable? And he's sold you on the idea that he actually believes this? How convenient for him - he's got your permission to keep one slipper under each bed and you get to feel sorry for all the "pain" he's going through.

 

I'm afraid your H sounds like the most rational person in this whole set-up. He's getting out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

his actions have already allowed you to understand what his plan is... he's not leaving. that is why he was so distant when he knew you said you were divorcing.

 

he retreats because he's afraid that now that you are available - the demands of him will be greater - making him suspect to his wife. he withdraws to protect himself... seems he's always protecting his own interest - not his wife's - not his kids - and certainly not yours. only his. how is that attractive? yep, his actions say he will always look out for himself first.

 

also, how could he not be viewed by you as a total farce? he's so worried about looking good to the community and keeping up his good image - but the TRUTH is - he's a farce. he's a cheater who pretends not to be... what is attractive about all of this phoniness?

 

 

you need to figure out how to be happy all on your own. not for anyone else - just you. to base your happiness and your future on a man that gives no indication of changing anything is insane. he uses empty words to keep you hanging. and remember - he will tell you ANYTHING he thinks YOU need to hear in order for you to stay put and to be quiet. this guy will likely never leave his wife based on his very predictable past. he will, however, keep you in limbo for as long as he can.

 

why would he need to change a thing when he knows you are willing to wait around for years for him "to make up his mind"? he's made his choice - he goes home and "pretends" every night - sleeps with his wife - and plays perfect daddy to his kids.

 

since you also live across the street - it would be healthier for you to move now... the ability to watch every move they make has to be somewhat exhausting...

 

i would move, and make yourself available for single, healthy, loving men that want to be honest and proud to be seen with you.

[HisSweetThing]

So in his mind, the actual fact of cheating on his wife is OK, but the idea of being labelled a cheater is unbearable? And he's sold you on the idea that he actually believes this? How convenient for him - he's got your permission to keep one slipper under each bed and you get to feel sorry for all the "pain" he's going through.

 

I'm afraid your H sounds like the most rational person in this whole set-up. He's getting out...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He knows the cheating is wrong, but he says that I make him weak. He is very Type A. He is self-disciplined, except when it comes to me. It is hard to paint an entire picture of the ways things really are. He knows he's not being fair to me. He tells me I deserve more. I have known him for almost 12 years now. I know what kind of man he is. He isn't really enjoying the situation. He knows he has to make a decision. And, yes, he knows I'm not going to press him for one right now. But I don't think he can continue to live like this for too much longer.

 

I am feeling stronger since I've come back here to LS. When I feel stronger, I think I don't need him. I pretend that it's over and I try to make it through the day with that mindset. But those days are few and far between. Yesterday was a good day. I barely texted him and I felt good just living my life for me. I am cautiously optimistic that today will be the same way. I think it has helped me to write about my feelings here instead of feeling like I need to make that connection with him. So, I thank all of you for that and I hope you'll put up with me in the hope that I can gain more strength and eventually tell him it's all or nothing, Baby!

[Fallen Angel]

I think it has helped me to write about my feelings here instead of feeling like I need to make that connection with him. So, I thank all of you for that and I hope you'll put up with me in the hope that I can gain more strength and eventually tell him it's all or nothing, Baby!

 

I understand this completely, that is why I came back after I was flamed for my first post. The time I spend here is time that I am not emailing him, calling him, or waiting for him online. I actually turn my messenger off when I come to this site, so that I am not interrupted while reading the posts.

 

I also have NOT answered my phone to him while I have been on this site. This is MY place to try and heal, and I refuse to share it with him. I did tell him I had found a site where I can talk about my feelings and try to work through them, but I won't tell him what site it is, so that I can keep this as a "safe place for me".

 

I have also started blogging again, talking about my issues here and on my blog allows me to go back at a less emotional time and reflect more calmly on what I need to do to heal what is broken inside of myself.

[2sure]

Dont be so hard on yourself. Your relationship with OMM sounds like Your exit affair. You need him right now because you are in crisis and feel like your world is changing. You want him and the affair with him to be a reliable respite from that. And it is.

 

Soon, you will find yourself on your own and making it. You will begin a new path, find strength and interests you didnt know you had. Eventually, you will not NEED the affair and OMM as a respite, or for validation. Because you will find your life fulfilling otherwise..you are going to begin to find him and his circumstance more inconvenient. Your own Independence and strength will highlight his lack of the same.

 

But really what your going to realize is that when you said in one of your original posts: "someday he will start living for himself". This is exactly what he is doing right now.

 

Life is hard and choices are difficult. But your moving forward and hopefully facing the right direction. Just dont lose sight of the fact that OMM IS living for himself. He is a cake eater disguising himself as a martyr. You dont have to leave him, use him until you dont need him BUT recognize him for what he is.

[HisSweetThing]

his actions have already allowed you to understand what his plan is... he's not leaving. that is why he was so distant when he knew you said you were divorcing.

 

you need to figure out how to be happy all on your own. not for anyone else - just you. to base your happiness and your future on a man that gives no indication of changing anything is insane. he uses empty words to keep you hanging. and remember - he will tell you ANYTHING he thinks YOU need to hear in order for you to stay put and to be quiet. this guy will likely never leave his wife based on his very predictable past. he will, however, keep you in limbo for as long as he can.

 

since you also live across the street - it would be healthier for you to move now... the ability to watch every move they make has to be somewhat exhausting...

 

i would move, and make yourself available for single, healthy, loving men that want to be honest and proud to be seen with you.

 

I appreciate your thoughts and your advice.

 

I have struggled with the recent distance he put between us. At first I was angry. I thought he was doing it just because he was worried about himself. He knows his name will come up when people start talking about the divorce and when people start wondering why. It is so obvious to anyone who sees us that we have this "thing" between us. People have talked about it for years - long before we started the affair. I think he is worried about that, but I think he's even more worried about me. He worries about me being out on my own and being lonely and being able to make it financially - I'm not worried about the finances, I do worry about being lonely. I also think he worries about other men. He has a little bit of a jealous streak. I told him I could move out right away, because I know his wife is going to see me as a threat - she's seen me as a threat for 12 years! But he wants me to stay in my house as long as I can - until the financial matters are settled. I think he wants me in the house because he knows I'm safe, but I also think he doesn't think I will be truly single and available until I move out. I think when I am out on my own, he will feel even more pressure to reach a decision. He's afraid I will find someone else, even though I don't think that can happen. And, you're right, I do deserve more.

 

Living across the street - advantages and disadvantages. I get to see how little time he actually does spend with his wife. He is not home very much and when he is home he's texting me or outside working in the yard or visiting neighbors - including me! I see him every day.

The disadvantages - I see him every day. Right now, I'm happy that I get to see him. However, if I ever want to find the strength to walk away, I know I won't be able to do it while I'm still here.

[2sure]

Most people , and I guess its most men - who have affairs reconcile it with themselves by Compartmentalizing. They like having a compartment all to themselves, private, they feel it affects no one but themselves so they can sleep at night, kiss their wives, etc.

 

You and this affair are in one compartment. He knows where you are, he knows who you are with. He doesnt want you to leave your marriage NOT because he is concerned about your family, his family, or your finances...but because he doesnt want you out of your box. Period.

[HisSweetThing]

Dont be so hard on yourself. Your relationship with OMM sounds like Your exit affair. You need him right now because you are in crisis and feel like your world is changing. You want him and the affair with him to be a reliable respite from that. And it is.

 

Soon, you will find yourself on your own and making it. You will begin a new path, find strength and interests you didnt know you had. Eventually, you will not NEED the affair and OMM as a respite, or for validation. Because you will find your life fulfilling otherwise..you are going to begin to find him and his circumstance more inconvenient. Your own Independence and strength will highlight his lack of the same.

 

But really what your going to realize is that when you said in one of your original posts: "someday he will start living for himself". This is exactly what he is doing right now.

 

Life is hard and choices are difficult. But your moving forward and hopefully facing the right direction. Just dont lose sight of the fact that OMM IS living for himself. He is a cake eater disguising himself as a martyr. You dont have to leave him, use him until you dont need him BUT recognize him for what he is.

 

Wow. I never really saw it as an exit affair, but maybe you're right. Maybe that's just what it is. Thank you for understanding my need for this relationship right now. I hope you're right. I am going to reread your post many times. You have given me hope.

 

I have not closed myself off from dating other men. Even though I love him more than I ever thought possible, since he is not willing to leave for me right now and I don't know if he ever will be, in the meantime, I am going to see what's out there - to see if I can make a connection with somebody that even comes close to what I have with OMM. I don't think it's possible, but I hope and pray that it is. And if I do find that, I have wondered what that says about me. Am I using him until someone else comes along? I would tell the world about us today. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. So I don't feel like I'm using him. But, I am also not going to just sit around and hope that he decides he can't live without me. I'm not going to place my life on hold for him.

[HisSweetThing]

Most people , and I guess its most men - who have affairs reconcile it with themselves by Compartmentalizing. They like having a compartment all to themselves, private, they feel it affects no one but themselves so they can sleep at night, kiss their wives, etc.

 

You and this affair are in one compartment. He knows where you are, he knows who you are with. He doesnt want you to leave your marriage NOT because he is concerned about your family, his family, or your finances...but because he doesnt want you out of your box. Period.

 

I have read other posts on compartmentalizing. I don't think I really understand it. My OMM says he lies awake at night all the time, trying to figure out what to do. So, it will be interesting what happens when I am out of that box?

[JumpinJimmy]

Interesting story HST. I feel bad for all the people involved in this one, and particuliarly you for the pickle you are in. Brace yourself, nothing good is going to come out of this in the end. if you have read the threads on here, very rarely does the MM leave the wife. Why should your guy? you have enabled him to have his cake and eat it too. When the chips are down from his D-Day, which most likely will come within the next 6 months or so, it will not go well for you. I know, I did it to someone. All the soul connecting moments together were just a farce and filler material, and I was very good and convincing. Hell, I even fooled myself into believing the stuff I was telling her. Your guy made it clear that he won't leave her, so you should do what 2sure suggests and start to learn how to make it on your own, because your MM won't be there for you...ever.

[2sure]

As far as dating other people...you wont find anyone to fill OMM shoes or a relationship with the intensity of an affair...until YOU are ready to move on.

[coconutcupcake]

I try to run from the pain, but it's always there. I don't know how to face it.

 

Every time I am with OMM, the pain of watching him leave utterly destroys me. I want so much to be with him and that's the price I pay. Many times I have felt that the pain was too much to bear, that maybe the pain of losing him would be better. I try to become stronger from that pain - maybe one day I will be strong enough. But for now, here I am.

'

How are you today? Can you move away? Living across the street from him as you do, is like a child with her nose pressed upon the glass store window, longing for what is unavailable. I would have a very difficult time getting out of an affair living as you do. Are you in counseling? Do you have friends that know and are there for you? Your situation is certainly more challenging to overcome. Do you want to physically remove yourself first?

[2sunny]

I have read other posts on compartmentalizing. I don't think I really understand it. My OMM says he lies awake at night all the time, trying to figure out what to do. So, it will be interesting what happens when I am out of that box?

 

As far as dating other people...you wont find anyone to fill OMM shoes or a relationship with the intensity of an affair...until YOU are ready to move on.

 

these are very true.

 

read about compartmentalizing... it will give you and idea about where you stand with him and why he will likely never leave the security of his comfort zone. also, men as you have described him - are so concerned with keeping up their "good reputation" in the community are rarely willing to risk the pitfalls of what it may look like to others if he left his wife for you. why would he risk his reputation when you are standing there willing and ready? why allow his children to view him in a bad light when he can sneak around with you and have them never know the truth? why lose the "excitement" that an affair brings to him when he can head home to the wife waiting to still love him, take care of his daily needs and carry on life as "normally" as possible?

 

he has everyone in a tidy little box - until the boxes are all tumbled around and things get out of order - he isn't likely to change one thing - he has no good reason to upset his tidy arrangement.

 

dating will never carry the excitement that an affair carries because the affair is fueled by the fact that it is a secret! THAT is what makes this kind of intensity so thrilling. do not expect to find it in the dating world... just be glad to find an available man who is loving, kind, thoughtful, respectful and who loves ONLY you.

 

in the meantime - find some healing time for yourself... you are ending a marriage - and there are many processes the mind needs to go through in order to consider yourself ready and available for the next available man that may come along. the emotions need to be processed - then you will be healthy enough to enjoy the company of others...

[HisSweetThing]

'

How are you today? Can you move away? Living across the street from him as you do, is like a child with her nose pressed upon the glass store window, longing for what is unavailable. I would have a very difficult time getting out of an affair living as you do. Are you in counseling? Do you have friends that know and are there for you? Your situation is certainly more challenging to overcome. Do you want to physically remove yourself first?

 

I'm having another strong day. Could it be because of you guys? I have not had much contact with OMM in the last few days for various reasons. I have stayed busy and not missed him too terribly. I am in counseling. I saw my therapist yesterday. The hardest part of all of this for me is the overwhelming sadness that I feel I have no control over when I feel like our relationship is being threatened. He mentioned cognitive therapy. I'm not sure that will work and I hope I don't have to try anytime soon. It isn't that I have low self-esteem or that I don't value myself. I explained that to my counselor. I value myself. I have many things in my life worth living for. It's just that I miss him. I miss him so much I can feel it destroying me. I like having him around. I like talking to him. I like touching him. I like kissing him. I like the sex with him. I have fun with him. He makes me laugh. All he has to do is smile and I melt. He has a sparkle in his eyes when he looks at me and I can't explain what that does to me. I value the other parts of my life. I like spending time with my friends and my kids, but those are different kinds of relationships. Remember, I found passion. Passion that I never knew I could feel. I am 43 years old and just discovering this whole new world out there and within myself that I didn't know existed. I don't want to lose it.

 

Your description makes me seem so pathetic, but that is exactly what I'm like - a child with her nose pressed upon the glass store window, longing for what is unavailable. I will move after we settle our finances and then I guess I'll have to see how I feel then.

[HisSweetThing]

these are very true.

 

read about compartmentalizing... it will give you and idea about where you stand with him and why he will likely never leave the security of his comfort zone. also, men as you have described him - are so concerned with keeping up their "good reputation" in the community are rarely willing to risk the pitfalls of what it may look like to others if he left his wife for you. why would he risk his reputation when you are standing there willing and ready? why allow his children to view him in a bad light when he can sneak around with you and have them never know the truth? why lose the "excitement" that an affair brings to him when he can head home to the wife waiting to still love him, take care of his daily needs and carry on life as "normally" as possible?

 

he has everyone in a tidy little box - until the boxes are all tumbled around and things get out of order - he isn't likely to change one thing - he has no good reason to upset his tidy arrangement.

 

dating will never carry the excitement that an affair carries because the affair is fueled by the fact that it is a secret! THAT is what makes this kind of intensity so thrilling. do not expect to find it in the dating world... just be glad to find an available man who is loving, kind, thoughtful, respectful and who loves ONLY you.

 

I googled "compartmentalizing" and found quite a few interesting articles on the subject. I'm still not sure I can understand it - maybe because I suck at doing it myself. It's hard for me to separate things in my life. If I am having extreme feelings in one area of my life, those feelings tend to carry over to everything else.

 

His boxes are going to change. I guess that is when I will find out exactly what I mean to him. I know he loves me, but is it enough?

 

I hope you're wrong about the dating thing. I don't feel like the affair is what excites me. I feel like it's the man that excites me. I have never wanted to touch or kiss my husband the way I want to touch and kiss OMM. I have never felt that pull towards anyone before. That is what I want. That is what I think will be impossible to find again. I wish this wasn't an affair. I wish I could tell the world. I wish I could go to dinner and to the movies. I wish we could take a walk together. I wish we could do boring, mundane daily things together. I don't like that our relationship is behind closed doors.