Phateless Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I think YOU'RE onto something with that, actually. In a way, all my exes except my last one and other guys I liked were very...popular? Very conventionally good-looking, etc. And those were the same guys who picked on me all the time in high school. I was always on the fringe before college; I had really good friends but at the same time I was never one of the "pretty, popular girls". All my friends were able to date. I wasn't because no one wanted to break out of their comfort zone and date the token mixed-race girl. Ahhh, so sorry to hear that! Totally makes sense... I can relate to wanting to date the people who wouldn't give you the time of day before. There's some major validation factor in that. Problem is that those people are just as shallow now as they were then. So dig deeper... what attracts you to those guys?
Peaceful Guy Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I think it's ridiculous how so many people think it's acceptable to go outside and to classes in sweatpants, a hoodie and sneakers all the time. To me it just communicates that you don't care about yourself, that you lack confidence. its the other way around.. and quit being a snot! (think it's acceptable?) cmon, i think you are thinking like that because you're getting defensive, which would be better than truly believing it. if you truly think like that, then there's no mystery to this at all.. however, i dont think thats really the case. my advice is to work on building strong relationships with people, guys and girls, not just social and romantic ones (yes, there is a difference!).. avoid relationships that are easy because the other people in it dont care. they can be fun at first, but they will leave you with nothing.. and it sounds like that's the problem. now, you cant keep other people from being jerks, and they will be.. but you can make an effort to be good to people.. and that has very little to do with the eventual outcome (what you'll get from them) and a lot to do with treating people the right way in the moment, even if it means eventually letting them go.. which you will have to be willing to do to have long lasting, healthy relationships! ive found that by being myself, people that would have otherwise hurt me eventually leave my life very quickly, and the people that are good for me stick around. i think its time for you to do a little soul searching, which can be an incredibly profound and fun adventure.
Author tigressA Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 I think what's always attracted me was the popularity, the sense of having a lot of people know you--in a positive way, being nearly universally liked. Because like I said, I was well-known before, but in a very, very negative way. I think that I thought that if I could date a guy like that, a guy who was considered an all-around catch, then I could finally feel like I was worth something. This is going to sound really ridiculous, but I'm admitting it because it's important: I actually once had these fantasies of going back home over the summer for the local Summerfest/Zippo Swap Meet weekend and having all my former classmates--especially the guys who tortured me before--see me with my theoretically awesome boyfriend and be like, "Hah! Look at me now!" Though I realize now that just showing up with a boyfriend, period, would surprise these people. It's strange, though. I never felt the need to be friends with the pretty, popular girls--I didn't have a whole mess of friends, but the ones I had were true-blue. I didn't want to trade them in or anything. Maybe that's because it wasn't the girls who made my life a living hell?
Phateless Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I think what's always attracted me was the popularity, the sense of having a lot of people know you--in a positive way, being nearly universally liked. Because like I said, I was well-known before, but in a very, very negative way. I think that I thought that if I could date a guy like that, a guy who was considered an all-around catch, then I could finally feel like I was worth something. This is going to sound really ridiculous, but I'm admitting it because it's important: I actually once had these fantasies of going back home over the summer for the local Summerfest/Zippo Swap Meet weekend and having all my former classmates--especially the guys who tortured me before--see me with my theoretically awesome boyfriend and be like, "Hah! Look at me now!" Though I realize now that just showing up with a boyfriend, period, would surprise these people. It's strange, though. I never felt the need to be friends with the pretty, popular girls--I didn't have a whole mess of friends, but the ones I had were true-blue. I didn't want to trade them in or anything. Maybe that's because it wasn't the girls who made my life a living hell? Completely understand. I went through this same feeling after the breakup of a 4.5 year relationship. I realized when I got into my current one that I was basing my self-esteem on other people. VERY DANGEROUS! It's all a craving for validation and undoing of previous hurt. It doesn't happen, EVER. You have to let it all go, move forward, FORGET THE PAST, and find positive NEW things in your life to build up your confidence and self esteem. You have to value yourself from the inside out, and it's a lot harder than it sounds. Yes, external validation will make you feel great in the short term, and can be used as a stepping stone towards feeling good about yourself, but you have to learn to be independently confident and strong. Btw, the people picker does tie into recreating past drama - you're using your people picker to choose archetypes that represent your past, as opposed to using it to choose people who would be good for you. Make sense? Again, it's about chasing validation instead of chasing compatibility. You have the power to choose. USE IT!
Peaceful Guy Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 It's all a craving for validation and undoing of previous hurt. It doesn't happen, EVER. You have to let it all go, move forward, FORGET THE PAST, and find positive NEW things in your life to build up your confidence and self esteem. You have to value yourself from the inside out, and it's a lot harder than it sounds. Yes, external validation will make you feel great in the short term, and can be used as a stepping stone towards feeling good about yourself, but you have to learn to be independently confident and strong. well said!
Author tigressA Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 Btw, the people picker does tie into recreating past drama - you're using your people picker to choose archetypes that represent your past, as opposed to using it to choose people who would be good for you. Make sense? Yes, it does. I had started to break the pattern somewhat with having dated my most recent ex--we split in July. He wasn't the type of guy I normally went for at all; in certain ways he was a lot like me--not many friends, more on the fringe, etc. While he is rather good-looking, he's 5'5" and that would make him not very attractive to a lot of girls. Like every couple we had our issues, but our relationship lasted far, far longer than the relationships I had with other guys--1 year and 9 months, compared to 3.5 months and 1.5 months. I broke up with him because I still have issues to work through. I had been "emotionally straddling" another individual (thanks TBF for that phrase; I love it )--I had a couple of threads about that recently. And I wasn't used to a guy absolutely fawning over me all the time, telling me that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him--it's like, "Wow, imagine that!" Really, my ex did go too far with that--he let me walk all over him. I guess that can happen to a guy who has no other relationship experience having gotten a girl he thought was way out of his league. He was quick to forgive some things when he shouldn't have been; he insisted that he wanted to do whatever I wanted because it would make me happy, even when I said it would make me very, very happy if he would plan something for us to do just once. I broke a pattern, but I went to extremes in picking my ex. I thought it would be better if I went for someone who was so normally not my type and who thought I wouldn't really go for him. I did love him, but I ended up being driven away by his putting me on a pedestal. Now I know the things I need to work on inside myself, and then I can have a better people picker.
Phateless Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 well said! Excellent post, phateless! Thanks guys! Yes, it does. I had started to break the pattern somewhat with having dated my most recent ex--we split in July. He wasn't the type of guy I normally went for at all; in certain ways he was a lot like me--not many friends, more on the fringe, etc. While he is rather good-looking, he's 5'5" and that would make him not very attractive to a lot of girls. Like every couple we had our issues, but our relationship lasted far, far longer than the relationships I had with other guys--1 year and 9 months, compared to 3.5 months and 1.5 months. I broke up with him because I still have issues to work through. I had been "emotionally straddling" another individual (thanks TBF for that phrase; I love it )--I had a couple of threads about that recently. And I wasn't used to a guy absolutely fawning over me all the time, telling me that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him--it's like, "Wow, imagine that!" Really, my ex did go too far with that--he let me walk all over him. I guess that can happen to a guy who has no other relationship experience having gotten a girl he thought was way out of his league. He was quick to forgive some things when he shouldn't have been; he insisted that he wanted to do whatever I wanted because it would make me happy, even when I said it would make me very, very happy if he would plan something for us to do just once. I broke a pattern, but I went to extremes in picking my ex. I thought it would be better if I went for someone who was so normally not my type and who thought I wouldn't really go for him. I did love him, but I ended up being driven away by his putting me on a pedestal. Now I know the things I need to work on inside myself, and then I can have a better people picker. That makes complete sense, and congratulations on starting to break the pattern! Dating is an experimental process, simple trial and error. You are making big strides, definite progress, and obviously learning each time. Just keep it up... Another thing that's really important. I'm gonna go off paraphrasing Ayn Rand. Basically she says that we have to think thoroughly and logically to make CONSCIOUS DECISIONS on what's important to you, what you believe, and then ACT ACCORDINGLY. So think carefully about what criteria you want in a guy and then look for that.
Author tigressA Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 That makes complete sense, and congratulations on starting to break the pattern! Dating is an experimental process, simple trial and error. You are making big strides, definite progress, and obviously learning each time. Just keep it up... Another thing that's really important. I'm gonna go off paraphrasing Ayn Rand. Basically she says that we have to think thoroughly and logically to make CONSCIOUS DECISIONS on what's important to you, what you believe, and then ACT ACCORDINGLY. So think carefully about what criteria you want in a guy and then look for that. I will definitely keep up with the learning process. I've figured out a lot about myself and my relationship habits just in this one thread, and have found ways to better myself. It's nice to talk to people who understand and will help you, no sugarcoating, no BS, just straight talk. You in particular have helped quite a bit, so thank you, and many thanks to everyone else.
Phateless Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I will definitely keep up with the learning process. I've figured out a lot about myself and my relationship habits just in this one thread, and have found ways to better myself. It's nice to talk to people who understand and will help you, no sugarcoating, no BS, just straight talk. You in particular have helped quite a bit, so thank you, and many thanks to everyone else. You're welcome, I'm glad I could help!
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