tigressA Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 (edited) Last night my housemates and I were talking about relationships and the kinds of people we tend to attract. A funny tidbit: my resident assistant said she tends to attract 15-18 yr. old girls who are confused about their sexuality (she's straight). Anyway, I said that I tend to attract guys who end up seeing me as little more than a booty call and not "girlfriend material". And it's true. What with the last couple of threads I had about my "friend" who finally worked up the nerve to reject me after more than a year. And the other "friend" who told me weeks ago that he'd had a crush on me for months. He went on to say that it was just because he thought I was hot and he wanted to get laid, that after he got to know me he didn't want to date me. Then there's the guy who served me dinner at Olive Garden, kept making last-minute, rather late-night plans, blowing me off each time without a word and then ended up going completely AWOL. My first two ex-boyfriends both said that they couldn't see themselves being with me long-term. The first one got married in August and the second one has been with his current girlfriend for almost two years. The second one said while dumping me, "I mean come on...I couldn't ever marry someone like you." I didn't even ask him what he meant by that. I didn't want to know. Funny he said that and then the next semester I found out he'd dropped out of school. I don't really know if it's just that most guys I'm meeting are immature jerks, or if it's me. And if it is me, I don't know exactly what it could be about me. I'm 22 years old. I don't dress provocatively--I do "dress up" much more than the typical college girl--while almost every girl I see is in jeans and a hoodie, my version of casual is jeans, heels, a cute shirt and a blazer. I don't go out and party, and I know my capacity for alcohol--I'm a lightweight, so I have no more than 3 or 4 drinks whenever I do drink (infrequent--like once a month or less), and I never drink beer or wine. I don't flirt outrageously. I'm not actively looking for a relationship at this time, I just would like some insight that could possibly help me understand why this happens to me so often, and if there's anything I could do to change it. Edited October 5, 2009 by tigressA
LB85 Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Ha I have exactly the same problem!!! I don't get it either since I dont dress or act in a way that makes me seem easy but I don't know if its the way we seem or the type of guys we attract. I have to say after a lot of introspection I realise that I attract the guys who only ever want flings or the types who just want to have a fling with me. I found out that its because I am a commitment phobe myself and I'm not easy at all so the only guys who dare are the ones who don't expect much out of me except sex so they barely miss out because if it isn't me, its the next girl. The nice guys never dare to approach me. The last guy who did only did because my friend told him I thought he was a great guy, he would never have dared to date me otherwise. I don't know what your reason might be, but I'm sure it lies in you too;) Good Luck!
boogieboy Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 I don't really know if it's just that most guys I'm meeting are immature jerks, or if it's me. And if it is me, I don't know exactly what it could be about me. I'm 22 years old. I don't dress provocatively--I do "dress up" much more than the typical college girl--while almost every girl I see is in jeans and a hoodie, my version of casual is jeans, heels, a cute shirt and a blazer. I don't go out and party, and I know my capacity for alcohol--I'm a lightweight, so I have no more than 3 or 4 drinks whenever I do drink (infrequent--like once a month or less), and I never drink beer or wine. I don't flirt outrageously. I'm not actively looking for a relationship at this time, I just would like some insight that could possibly help me understand why this happens to me so often, and if there's anything I could do to change it. WOw, they all said the same thing? You havent mentioned what your personality is like. Im just guessing, but Obviously when they are talking to you, something turns them off-since everything else about you sounds fine. What kind of person are you? What do your friends say about you? Are you loud and abnoxious? Do you laugh too loud, or too much? What is it about your personality that could be turning them off? What do you like to talk about? Do you talk too much? Do you have a funny sounding voice? Are you overbearing? Do you have to have your way all the time? Are you easy going and down to earth? Lets get to the bottom of this...
Phateless Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Last night my housemates and I were talking about relationships and the kinds of people we tend to attract. A funny tidbit: my resident assistant said she tends to attract 15-18 yr. old girls who are confused about their sexuality (she's straight). Anyway, I said that I tend to attract guys who end up seeing me as little more than a booty call and not "girlfriend material". And it's true. What with the last couple of threads I had about my "friend" who finally worked up the nerve to reject me after more than a year. And the other "friend" who told me weeks ago that he'd had a crush on me for months. He went on to say that it was just because he thought I was hot and he wanted to get laid, that after he got to know me he didn't want to date me. Then there's the guy who served me dinner at Olive Garden, kept making last-minute, rather late-night plans, blowing me off each time without a word and then ended up going completely AWOL. My first two ex-boyfriends both said that they couldn't see themselves being with me long-term. The first one got married in August and the second one has been with his current girlfriend for almost two years. The second one said while dumping me, "I mean come on...I couldn't ever marry someone like you." I didn't even ask him what he meant by that. I didn't want to know. Funny he said that and then the next semester I found out he'd dropped out of school. I don't really know if it's just that most guys I'm meeting are immature jerks, or if it's me. And if it is me, I don't know exactly what it could be about me. I'm 22 years old. I don't dress provocatively--I do "dress up" much more than the typical college girl--while almost every girl I see is in jeans and a hoodie, my version of casual is jeans, heels, a cute shirt and a blazer. I don't go out and party, and I know my capacity for alcohol--I'm a lightweight, so I have no more than 3 or 4 drinks whenever I do drink (infrequent--like once a month or less), and I never drink beer or wine. I don't flirt outrageously. I'm not actively looking for a relationship at this time, I just would like some insight that could possibly help me understand why this happens to me so often, and if there's anything I could do to change it. The only thing I can possibly think of is that perhaps there's a perception of high maintenance coming from somewhere? There's nothing wrong with dressing nice and looking good, but overly fancy for the context can create that impression with some people. You have to have got some clues as to what guys mean by "not long term potential." Can you give us any more info? For me, long term potential means smart, funny, LOW MAINTENANCE, understanding, affectionate, sexually compatible, reasonable during conflict, good at managing money, in-shape and enjoys being active with me. Jewish would be a plus but not necessary.
Trialbyfire Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 You're at the time in your life where people aren't thinking b/f or g/f, they're thinking about getting laid. Also, during this time, guys have definitive versions of what kind of woman they believe marriage material is. One definition is how quickly a woman gets physical with them. If she's quick to romp, she's not marriage material. As you get older and your tastes changes from boys to men, it will become less of an issue.
C-i-C-u Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 See if I told you I'd want to date you you'd say no or would not reply. It gives me the impression that you really are not interested in a guy who is interested in you. I might not be athletic build, but I do have the confidence to keep up with you.
Phateless Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Last night my housemates and I were talking about relationships and the kinds of people we tend to attract. A funny tidbit: my resident assistant said she tends to attract 15-18 yr. old girls who are confused about their sexuality (she's straight). Anyway, I said that I tend to attract guys who end up seeing me as little more than a booty call and not "girlfriend material". And it's true. What with the last couple of threads I had about my "friend" who finally worked up the nerve to reject me after more than a year. And the other "friend" who told me weeks ago that he'd had a crush on me for months. He went on to say that it was just because he thought I was hot and he wanted to get laid, that after he got to know me he didn't want to date me. Then there's the guy who served me dinner at Olive Garden, kept making last-minute, rather late-night plans, blowing me off each time without a word and then ended up going completely AWOL. My first two ex-boyfriends both said that they couldn't see themselves being with me long-term. The first one got married in August and the second one has been with his current girlfriend for almost two years. The second one said while dumping me, "I mean come on...I couldn't ever marry someone like you." I didn't even ask him what he meant by that. I didn't want to know. Funny he said that and then the next semester I found out he'd dropped out of school. I don't really know if it's just that most guys I'm meeting are immature jerks, or if it's me. And if it is me, I don't know exactly what it could be about me. I'm 22 years old. I don't dress provocatively--I do "dress up" much more than the typical college girl--while almost every girl I see is in jeans and a hoodie, my version of casual is jeans, heels, a cute shirt and a blazer. I don't go out and party, and I know my capacity for alcohol--I'm a lightweight, so I have no more than 3 or 4 drinks whenever I do drink (infrequent--like once a month or less), and I never drink beer or wine. I don't flirt outrageously. I'm not actively looking for a relationship at this time, I just would like some insight that could possibly help me understand why this happens to me so often, and if there's anything I could do to change it. Ha I have exactly the same problem!!! I don't get it either since I dont dress or act in a way that makes me seem easy but I don't know if its the way we seem or the type of guys we attract. I have to say after a lot of introspection I realise that I attract the guys who only ever want flings or the types who just want to have a fling with me. I found out that its because I am a commitment phobe myself and I'm not easy at all so the only guys who dare are the ones who don't expect much out of me except sex so they barely miss out because if it isn't me, its the next girl. The nice guys never dare to approach me. The last guy who did only did because my friend told him I thought he was a great guy, he would never have dared to date me otherwise. I don't know what your reason might be, but I'm sure it lies in you too;) Good Luck! Am I the only to whom this seems obvious? Instead of letting the guys choose you and date whoever happens to be attracted to you, why not pursue the guys you like? It's quite possible guys are intimidated and so the only ones who pursue are the cocky player types. Nice guys often lack the confidence of a player.
Author tigressA Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 Well, I have pursued guys I like, but that's never worked out. Either they weren't into me for whatever reason or they might've been intimidated by me making the first move. I guess I can understand the whole low-maintenance appearance thing. I have had some guys tell me that because of the way I present myself--the way I dress, etc--that I seem intimidating. Almost all my friends say that I "dress up" all the time, but I don't consider how I dress "dressing up" at all! I think it's ridiculous how so many people think it's acceptable to go outside and to classes in sweatpants, a hoodie and sneakers all the time. To me it just communicates that you don't care about yourself, that you lack confidence.
Phateless Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 (edited) Well, I have pursued guys I like, but that's never worked out. Either they weren't into me for whatever reason or they might've been intimidated by me making the first move. I guess I can understand the whole low-maintenance appearance thing. I have had some guys tell me that because of the way I present myself--the way I dress, etc--that I seem intimidating. Almost all my friends say that I "dress up" all the time, but I don't consider how I dress "dressing up" at all! I think it's ridiculous how so many people think it's acceptable to go outside and to classes in sweatpants, a hoodie and sneakers all the time. To me it just communicates that you don't care about yourself, that you lack confidence. Depends on the situation. if you're just going to class, who are you trying to impress? When I go salsa dancing I look good, lemme tell you. When I go to work, I wear a tie. When I go to school at 6:00 pm - 10:00 pm after a long workday AND a 1.5 hour drive to get there, I'm in my work pants and a white t-shirt. Why do you think it's ridiculous for people to dress casually? Doesn't that seem a little judgmental to you? Personally I usually go for the "hott on accident" look. Faded jeans, flip flops, nice t-shirt, hair a little messy and I look good. I love it when girls just wear tight jeans, converse shoes, and a cute tank top, with no makeup. To me, that's super cute! Honestly, it kinda sounds like you're lacking confidence if you feel the need to be dressed to the 9s every day... Edited October 5, 2009 by Phateless
Trialbyfire Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Since when does looking like you take care of yourself, turn men off? Come on Tigress, you know better than that. That's a form of denial.
Kamille Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 I can see a few possibilities. One, if that is you in your avatar, well, guys main reason to approach you is because you are gorgeous. This might mean you'll have to do a better job at weeding out the guys who approach you with not other thought then "she's hot, I don't care if we're compatible, I hope I can get in her pants". How to do this: date. Expect guys to ask you out and set up dates with you. Casual hanging out doesn't count as a date. Make sure guys ask you out and see them for extended period of them before you allow yourself to be in a private space with them (ie, no casual sex). Another possibility is that you perhaps just haven't grown into yourself yet. I know that very few guys considered me gf material in my early 20s, and this was because... well, to be frank, I wasn't girlfriend material. I wanted a boyfriend but I didn't want a relationship. I know, doesn't make sense but what I mean by that was that is that I had no idea what kind of relationship I wanted or how to build a healthy relationship. I didn't know how to assert healthy boundaries or how to compromise and be giving in a relationship. This came with age and with me starting to reflect on exactly the kind of question you ask here. I asked myself: ok, well, what kind of relationship do I want, what kind of man do I want to spend my life with and what do I bring to a relationship. Somehow, having a clearer idea of this has made it so now most guys I date consider me gf material. edit: I agree with TBF, how you dress, if it's classy, probably isn't the reason why you're not considered gf material
Phateless Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Since when does looking like you take care of yourself, turn men off? Come on Tigress, you know better than that. That's a form of denial. Looking good and well taken care of are fine. It's when a girl looks like she's going to a club every day that I get turned off. Quite frankly I don't want to deal with people that high maintenance, but that's just me.
Trialbyfire Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Yup, yup Kamille, it's the weeding out process. If you're good looking, you're going to get a lot of interest. So, you have to hone your people picker, which includes some serious boundaries and also honesty with self. The honesty component includes why you're attracted to certain kinds of guys. What's your criteria for picking? If all you're looking at are superficial characteristics like looks and money, without much thought about his integrity, you're in for a rough ride.
Trialbyfire Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Looking good and well taken care of are fine. It's when a girl looks like she's going to a club every day that I get turned off. Quite frankly I don't want to deal with people that high maintenance, but that's just me.Phateless, click on her profile and take a look at her album. She doesn't look like she's clubbing all the time. In one shot, she's wearing jeans and a sweater.
ecm Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Hey. I'm with LB85. I'm guessing the guys you like are slightly unavailable? You like the chase? You don't like nice guys? Are those things true for you (like they are for me?) I'm definitely a type of commitment phobe. It definitely gets in the way of meeting GOOD guys instead of the bad guys that "seem" so fun.
Author tigressA Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 What kind of person are you? What do your friends say about you? Are you loud and abnoxious? Do you laugh too loud, or too much? What is it about your personality that could be turning them off? What do you like to talk about? Do you talk too much? Do you have a funny sounding voice? Are you overbearing? Do you have to have your way all the time? Are you easy going and down to earth? Lets get to the bottom of this... I could never really decide if I'm more of an introvert or an extrovert. I don't mind being alone for hours at a time, curled up with a book--I do love to read; it's my favorite interest. I don't have a lot of friends and I like it that way. I'd rather have a few true-blue friends than a bunch of random acquaintances. My friends and I can go to each other about anything at all and know that we'll end up feeling better after. I have a passionate temperament; I'm quick to anger/annoy but also quick to realize when I'm being irrational about it. I can overanalyze things at times and be a worrier. When I'm with my friends I can get a little loud, a little crazy, but it's all in good fun. I do have quite a loud laugh and people have mentioned it, but never in a negative way. I can talk about a lot of things; my friends and I will usually talk about things that happen at my school, our lives back home, current events, childhood stories, interests, etc. I do just ask questions if we're discussing something I'm not well-versed in, like sports, instead of pretending like I know what I'm talking about. I've never had any negative comments about the way my voice sounds.
Author tigressA Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 What's your criteria for picking? If all you're looking at are superficial characteristics like looks and money, without much thought about his integrity, you're in for a rough ride. Well, besides the obvious (respect, no serious issues, mutual physical attraction), I like a guy who's passionate about something. The "friend" I had threads about recently is really into music; he plays 5 different instruments, sings, and mixes/produces. My most recent ex loves soccer (playing, watching, he also has a fantasy league); he wrote his senior thesis on it and it was published in our school's annual history dept. journal. I like a guy who's upfront about his feelings--no BS, just be honest. If you like me, tell me. If you love me, tell me. If you don't like me, tell me. I like a guy who can make me laugh. A guy who will let me take care of him and also take care of me (I don't mean financially--like emotionally, physically). I do. not. like. flakes. If a guy says he's going to call me at a certain time or on a certain day, I expect to have that happen and when it doesn't, I get annoyed and will write them off if they don't respond within 4 days of the original deadline. I always make sure to contact people when I say I will, and if I miss a call/message, unless there are unusual circumstances I will return it within a day, so I hold high standards with communication. I like a guy who knows what he wants to do with his life and is taking steps to make that happen, not just talking about it. I like a guy who is assertive. I don't want to walk all over a guy in a relationship like I did with my ex. I want to be challenged; I want to be able to compromise more instead of just having my way all the time. I want a guy who will take the initiative to plan dates and won't just leave everything up to me "because he wants me to be happy". Hello, grow a spine.
Trialbyfire Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Some of what you've listed are superficial traits. One thing I did notice is that you want an assertive man. If so, why are you chasing these guys? Assertive men know what they want and aren't afraid to go get it. Using broad brush strokes, most of these guys prefer to be the hunter and will run when hunted. Also, I'm not seeing any deeper traits like character and integrity.
zicke Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 You're at the time in your life where people aren't thinking b/f or g/f, they're thinking about getting laid. Also, during this time, guys have definitive versions of what kind of woman they believe marriage material is. One definition is how quickly a woman gets physical with them. If she's quick to romp, she's not marriage material. As you get older and your tastes changes from boys to men, it will become less of an issue. I don't think this is true at all. I had only long term boyfriends in my twenties. (2 of them Fiances) It really is a simple matter of "stop being a booty call" as someone earlier stated. Stop acting like a bootycall, stop thinking like a bootycall, stop accepting men in your life who treat you like bootycalls. It's pretty easy to suss out guys who are in it for the booty. Learn how to and don't entertain the thought of them as a potential boyfriend for yourself.
Author tigressA Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 Some of what you've listed are superficial traits. One thing I did notice is that you want an assertive man. If so, why are you chasing these guys? Assertive men know what they want and aren't afraid to go get it. Using broad brush strokes, most of these guys prefer to be the hunter and will run when hunted. Also, I'm not seeing any deeper traits like character and integrity. Yeah, I did realize that whole assertive deal. I think it's because I didn't even have guys paying attention to me until I came to college--before then I hadn't done ANYTHING--no dating, no kissing, nothing--with a guy. Guys approached me only to pick on me; I was called ugly, a psycho-b*tch, n-word and worse. And in junior high/high school whenever someone said, "Oh hey, so-and-so likes you" or a guy came up to me and said that himself it was always a joke and the ensuing humiliation was almost utterly unbearable. I guess subconsciously I never got over that and at first I tend to not trust any guy who is assertive with me.
Trialbyfire Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Yeah, I did realize that whole assertive deal. I think it's because I didn't even have guys paying attention to me until I came to college--before then I hadn't done ANYTHING--no dating, no kissing, nothing--with a guy. Guys approached me only to pick on me; I was called ugly, a psycho-b*tch, n-word and worse. And in junior high/high school whenever someone said, "Oh hey, so-and-so likes you" or a guy came up to me and said that himself it was always a joke and the ensuing humiliation was almost utterly unbearable. I guess subconsciously I never got over that and at first I tend to not trust any guy who is assertive with me.I'm sorry you had such a horrible experience in the past. People can be so unnecessarily cruel, for no other reason beyond being dicks. But these kind of experiences can create negative triggers, like your reaction to assertive men, when they approach. I get the impression that when you're in a relationship, you prefer to be in control. And yet, it's counterproductive, since you lose respect with guys who you can walk all over. This is a connundrum, one that you'll have to figure out because it creates a negative looping pattern in you. What do you think needs to happen within you?
Author tigressA Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 (edited) I think I need to truly let go of the past. Ever since I left for college over 4 years ago I haven't had a single experience here that came even close to being like any of the horrible things that happened to me when I was still at home. Yet I still have this negative trigger, as you put it, that makes me subconsciously unable to trust and unable to forfeit control, especially in regard to men. If I really wanted to go "there", and I do, I think a big reason why I try and keep myself put together well is not just because I love to dress up, but because I had gone for so long without external validation from my peers in regards to my attractiveness. I didn't get any positive attention from guys until I started college. I didn't have any dating experience whatsoever until college. I guess I feel like if I ever just wore sneakers and sweatpants or let someone see me with my hair messy, without having washed my face (I don't like to wear makeup, I keep my face natural), then I'm not as attractive as I could be. Whenever I look into the mirror generally I'm happy with what I see but I still want that validation of my attractiveness from others. Because I also have had such limited dating experience I was really naive up until a year or so ago. That's why I had such a complicated situation with my "friend"--I thought I could screw my way into a relationship with him; he said he already liked me, why not, right? Uh, no. Wrong. That was the only time I got myself into a situation like that and I had really wanted more, though--I did have one other FWB situation but it was perfect because neither of us wanted more than what we were getting. I took one of those stupid Facebook quizzes just now titled "What is your greatest weakness?" and it surprisingly hit the nail on the head for the most part: Jealousy. This is what the result says: "You envy others, but you are also confident about yourself. But sometimes you wish you could be confident about yourself without the masks. You clean before people come over, even though you are typically a mess. You dress up or wear revealing clothes, show off your tan, tattoos, and body, because you feel like it will get attention and make you feel worth something. Sexiness is something you value, but you really want to be admired for your heart. You want someone to see through the masks and love you for you, but you sometimes don't know who that person is and you fear opening up to someone because you don't want to be hurt. You wish you could be like someone else, trade places just for a day, to see what it's like to be perfect. You like lists and getting things done, but you rarely finish them. You want to be loved, so badly, for who you are and you're just waiting for the right person to show you that it's okay to rest in who you were made to be, and not who you are always trying to be.. [sIZE=1][COLOR=#3b5998][/COLOR][/sIZE] Edited October 5, 2009 by tigressA
Trialbyfire Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 tigress, you have to learn to step away from the other person, the person with all the pain. You know you're worth something. You have nothing to prove to anyone. You're lovable.
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