She Calls....

[jlr]

Quick recap: My GF of 5 years broke up with me last October, then from like December to this May, we still talked, had sex, went back and forth about our old relationship (I wanted her back, she was on the fence). She met someone in May and we stopped talking. Every so often she contacts me. I always took the bait, up until mid August, where I wrote her an email standing up for myself and calling her out on ****. She never responded to the letter, but called me a few weeks later about taxes (she has a way of making excuses that usually lead to long conversations about us). I never picked up the phone, or called back.

 

Lately, I've been trying to move past it all a bit. And I do feel I'm starting to cope with this much better than before.

 

Then, yesterday in the middle of lunch with my family, right after I had thought about her, I look down at my phone, and it's her.

 

I didn't pick up. I know I shouldn't for one, and two I was with other people and I didn't know what she wanted.

 

Usually she leaves some dumb message about something stupid that used to get me to call back. This time, no message.

 

Suprisingly, I'm not all sad and weird. Maybe that's progress. I have been curious though. What did she want, why did she call, that type of thing. I've thought about calling back but everytime I go to do it, a voice in my head says "Do you really want to do that?". So I don't. Because I know whatever it is, I probably can't handle it right now. I don't want to reverse the progress I've made.

 

Something I'm working on in therapy is my tendancy to blame myself for every thing that happens in my life, including things that aren't my fault. So I also feel bad for not calling back, like I'm a mean person. But I know, I'd be a mean person to myself if I did.

 

It's funny. The cliche that they'll come around when you start moving on, when you start to feel ok.....it's sorta true.

[whimsical_memory]

I think you did the right thing. I am so proud of you for not answering that phone. Sometimes it is very tempting to turn back to the very thing that we know is not good for us, keep up the great work.

[rp123]

Interested to know how long was your period of NC?

[jlr]

Thanks so much for the kind words, whimsical, that made me feel good!

 

 

rp123:

 

We haven't seen each other in person since May.

I haven't contacted her in that time.

She would call me though or text several times since, and I would call back or respond, up until mid-August.

After that, she called me a couple times at the start of September. But I didn't respond or call back.

So we haven't actually spoken to each other in a little under 2 months.

 

That was too long of an answer, aha.

 

Short answer: just under 2 months.

[jlr]

An update.

 

So I never called her back or anything.

 

Then last night I logged into my Hotmail and they've set it up sort of like Facebook with Windows Live. And I saw she had added some favorite movies and stuff. I guess because she's an email address in my contacts it shows you this stuff now. We're no longer friends on the other social stuff, and I didn't even know this thing existed.

 

Anyways, today at work, I was bored. And when I was in my email I decided to do edit my Windows Live, or set it up. You can pick favorite bands and stuff, and add photos and junk. Anyways, as I'm doing it, Windows Live also shows me she's doing it at the same time. I'm like, weird.

 

So a few minutes later the phone rings. It's her. I don't pick up. She leaves a message this time saying that she just wants to see how I am. She feels like we've been in touch without staying in touch (?), and she wishes we could be friends or something. She sounded either sick or like she'd been crying. She said she hopes I call her back.

 

Then I'm at my computer (at work), and Windows Live sends me an update saying I have a private message. I didn't even know my email had those. Anyways, it's from her. Here's what she said:

 

"Hey, whats up? idk, but to b perfectly honest with you, I've been wanting to talk to you, I know i never responed to that e-mail from a while back and i think i have a response to it or something of a response. I don't know if we can be friends or not but if you want to talk you know how to get a hold of me."

 

Now I feel all anxious and weird. Anyone want to weigh in on this? It's like, we can't be friends. We tried that after the breakup and we ended up acting like a couple - sleeping together too - without actually being one. It was really rough on me since I wanted the relationship back. We talked about how being friends didn't work. Why would she want to be friends now? What's the point? The letter she's referencing above told all of this to her. It was essentially me telling her that I was tired of her games, tired of her turning stuff back on me, that I love her too much and I can't take the pain of her indecision anymore.

 

So what's she doing here?

 

Would I want to be friends with her? I'd only be doing it because I'd start to hold false hope here. I loved being friends with her. But it was part of a bigger picture, and now the rest of it's all gone.

[Hop_prophet]

Nooooo, you have made so much progress. DO NOT give her one word of acknowledgement. She is trying to lure you back in to appease her conscience. She does not want to be friends and is feeding you a load of BS. She wants to string you along in case things go wrong and f*** with your head. You've already tried it once and there is absolutely no chance it will work this time. If she wanted you back she would take action. Delete your Windows live, change your email accounts, get rid of her number. Do whatever it takes to stop being reminded of her.

 

I'm really rooting for you man. Don't fall into this trap.

[rp123]

An update.

 

So I never called her back or anything.

 

Then last night I logged into my Hotmail and they've set it up sort of like Facebook with Windows Live. And I saw she had added some favorite movies and stuff. I guess because she's an email address in my contacts it shows you this stuff now. We're no longer friends on the other social stuff, and I didn't even know this thing existed.

 

Anyways, today at work, I was bored. And when I was in my email I decided to do edit my Windows Live, or set it up. You can pick favorite bands and stuff, and add photos and junk. Anyways, as I'm doing it, Windows Live also shows me she's doing it at the same time. I'm like, weird.

 

So a few minutes later the phone rings. It's her. I don't pick up. She leaves a message this time saying that she just wants to see how I am. She feels like we've been in touch without staying in touch (?), and she wishes we could be friends or something. She sounded either sick or like she'd been crying. She said she hopes I call her back.

 

Then I'm at my computer (at work), and Windows Live sends me an update saying I have a private message. I didn't even know my email had those. Anyways, it's from her. Here's what she said:

 

"Hey, whats up? idk, but to b perfectly honest with you, I've been wanting to talk to you, I know i never responed to that e-mail from a while back and i think i have a response to it or something of a response. I don't know if we can be friends or not but if you want to talk you know how to get a hold of me."

 

Now I feel all anxious and weird. Anyone want to weigh in on this? It's like, we can't be friends. We tried that after the breakup and we ended up acting like a couple - sleeping together too - without actually being one. It was really rough on me since I wanted the relationship back. We talked about how being friends didn't work. Why would she want to be friends now? What's the point? The letter she's referencing above told all of this to her. It was essentially me telling her that I was tired of her games, tired of her turning stuff back on me, that I love her too much and I can't take the pain of her indecision anymore.

 

So what's she doing here?

 

Would I want to be friends with her? I'd only be doing it because I'd start to hold false hope here. I loved being friends with her. But it was part of a bigger picture, and now the rest of it's all gone.

 

Fascinating situation, but really unsure how you should proceed... Really rooting for you too and hope whatever happens you are happy.

 

I would love to hear Caliguys take on this... He's got all the answers.....!

[jlr]

Thanks Hop for the support. I'm being strong. I can't say I don't debate it with myself in my head, but I know what you said is ultimately right. I just don't know why people do this? It's so ****ty. I mean, she knows we can't be friends. She just wants to string me along, keep me on the burner, and also make herself feel better about what she did by being able to say "we're still friends, so it's cool." Well, it's NOT cool. She hurt me and she doesn't deserve any part of me anymore.

[jlr]

Yeah, Caliguy would be helpful here for sure.

 

Just when you think it may be finally passing, they come hunting you down.

[CaliGuy]

So what's she doing here?

 

Fishing.

Dropping breadcrumbs.

Trying to get an emotional need met.

Building up her confidence and self-esteem at the expense of yours.

 

Any or all of the above.

 

Would I want to be friends with her? I'd only be doing it because I'd start to hold false hope here. I loved being friends with her. But it was part of a bigger picture, and now the rest of it's all gone.

 

Here's the thing. She had you, she chose to let you go. She is simply making sure that you're still around, available, etc so that she builds her self-esteem and confidence and expense of yours.

 

There is no need to remain friends with her. If she really loved you, if she really wanted to be with you she would be LITERALLY beating down your front door. No stupid IM, no emails, no calls.

 

SHE knows how to find you. She knows where you live, where you work, where you frequent. She is dating someone else, no? This is emotionally cheating on him by wanting to remain in contact with you. Perhaps she wants to relieve some guilt?

 

What you MUST do here is block her contact over IM. Whatever MSN is doing, you need to cut that crap off. You need to disappear and remove all traces of your life from her. She doesn't have a RIGHT to know how you are doing anymore.

 

She gave up that right when she walked away.

[CaliGuy]

Fascinating situation, but really unsure how you should proceed... Really rooting for you too and hope whatever happens you are happy.

 

I would love to hear Caliguys take on this... He's got all the answers.....!

 

I don't have all the answers, certainly not for everyone else.

 

I'm just at the point in my life now where my confidence and self-respect are at all time highs. I don't see why anyone who could walk away from you should have access to your life anymore.

 

I'm of the opinion that if you don't love me enough to stay, you don't get the benefits that came with me -- including my friendship.

 

Cheers.

[jlr]

Thanks Caliguy.

 

You're right. And I really appreciate the input.

 

For once, logic is winning over my heart. I hope I remain strong. I have a strange feeling that her newfound stream of contact is going to become more frequent.

[CaliGuy]

Thanks Caliguy.

 

You're right. And I really appreciate the input.

 

For once, logic is winning over my heart. I hope I remain strong. I have a strange feeling that her newfound stream of contact is going to become more frequent.

 

Your answer to that should be a newfound stream of self-respect and self-discipline to NOT TAKE THE BAIT.

 

Love and respect yourself FIRST. That is the only way you can truly know how to love and respect others -- and the only way to set yourself up for a GREAT relationship in the future.

[Phedre]

I second eveything CaliGuy said.. it is solid advice. Just wanted to add my own 'everything he is saying is totally right' from the female perspective in case it would help solidify your resolve any. She is using you to make herself feel better. She is being so immature. Is she even the person you thought she was if she is capable of toying with people's emotions regardless of the consequences or heartache is causes them.. just so she can feel better about herself? You are SO beyond childishness like that and are doing a damn good job of proving it. You are really giving me that 'yeah, I can do it too' feeling. Keep up the resolve! I'm cheering for you

[jlr]

Thanks!

 

I haven't responded to anything. Still going strong.

 

Today, there was a Facebook friend request. It's sorta funny because she was the one who deleted me as a friend a few months ago. Now she wants me back on there. Whatever.

 

And she must have added me back to her list of people she forwards dumb **** to, because I got one of those today too.

 

It's like she thinks because she wants to be friends, we ARE friends. She just starts trying to add me back on ****, when I haven't even responded or given her reason to believe I'd WANT to be friends.

 

She really doesn't see beyond what she needs and wants.

 

It's pathetic.

[quarterlifecrisis]

My perspectives are a bit different. I don't think it's impossible for ex's to be friends, and I don't think you necessarily need to block them out for your whole life.

 

However, in this case, I agree that you shouldn't respond, at least not yet. If you were truly over her (e.g. happily dating someone else) and were ready to be friends, then it's worth considering. Also, her desperate outreach indicates that she wants your attention more than actually really wanting to be at a distance as a friend. I agree that she's looking for validation that you still care, and would put you back in the crapper as soon as you show any interest.

[jlr]

Yeah, I mean I don't know if exes can be friends. I mean, I'm sure it's possible, and there are different circumstances. But it seems odd to me that two people who spent a good chunk of time together, planning for the future, being intimate - that they can just be buddies when it all falls apart. Especially if one person made the choice to break up. Maybe if both parties came to the decision mutually. Or maybe if it wasn't a long relationship, or maybe if people it never went too deep.

 

But yeah, I just don't know how I could be friends with her. I don't want to hear about her new lovers, her new life, how great everything is (or even how bad it is) now that I'm gone. It's too painful. I loved her, I never wanted this.

 

Plus, we already tried "friends". We did this for 6 months after the breakup, and it always went back to a more than friends scenario. Well, when it was cool with her. I was on a string. It was all by her rules. And it broke my heart (again) in the end when she found someone else and shut me out.

 

And yeah, her methods of doing this seem odd. It's not done in a mature sense, it seems more for attention. And it also seems rather convienent. Knowing her, I'm guessing something isn't going right, and she wants to make sure I'm back in reach. I mean, it's just odd. All of a sudden, when I'm doing better....here she is.

 

Life is strange.

 

Or rather, PEOPLE are strange.

[JaggedRoad]

People are very strange indeed =/

[jlr]

So the day after I had a show with my band. One of the dudes who's in it, I met through her. He told me he had to spend like an hour talking her out of coming to the show. She was going to show up.

 

She didn't.

 

But the next day, I got another call with a message asking me if I'd want to meet up to talk. She said either at a coffee shop, or out to eat, or... at one of our houses. She said she could understand if I didn't want to, and that if I didn't call back, she'd take it that I wasn't interested, but she just wondered if I would be willing.

 

I was out of town for the night.

 

When I got home, I had another message online from her saying that she wished I could just be direct and tell her if I was interested in talking. You'd think not responding to anything may tell her something, but I guess not. It's funny how she said if I didn't call back, she'd know I wasn't interested, but when I get home, she had left another message AFTER that. She said she wished we could be adults about it - and then said she knows she hasn't been the most adult person, she knows, but that's what she'd like to maybe talk about.

 

Then the next day, she just randomly sends me a message saying "hey., hope you're show went well the other day" - as if we're friends? Like, I haven't responded to anything, but you send a casual text. Did she think that one was going to magically work??

 

After a few days of all this, I decided to send her a message. A text. There will be debate on if I should have, I know. But I felt like ignoring it was building all this anxiety up in me, and I wanted to diffuse the bomb before it could go off.

 

I think my text may have made her rethink her motives. That or she didn't reply because she's playing a game since I didn't respond for quite some time.

 

My text said "B4 we can even have a conversation, I need to know if this is going to be some gerneric "let's be buddies" speel, because I can't do that. And also, don't you still have a boyfriend?"

 

That was last night around 7pm. No word from her since.

 

And I don't care if there is. Maybe I got lucky and killed it before I had to go through the pain of having a talk with her.

[jlr]

I'm officially an idiot. I never should have wrote anything to her.

 

Now she wrote back saying that basically she's not sure where this conversation is going, but that she owes me an explanation for some things.

 

Of course she didn't answer the whole "don't you have a bf?" questions, which i find weird.

 

She then sent me a message asking me what I'm doing later tonight, wanting to know if we could meet up.

 

I said "you still haven't answered one of my questions yet."

 

She didn't reply.

 

WTF?

 

Why did I do this to myself. I need reinforcement here. Please talk sense into me.

[trueblue72ny]

It's like she thinks because she wants to be friends, we ARE friends. She just starts trying to add me back on ****, when I haven't even responded or given her reason to believe I'd WANT to be friends.

 

She really doesn't see beyond what she needs and wants.

 

It's pathetic.

 

That's classic. that's so true with some people.

 

i got a text out of the blue from my ex gf today (its been a couple weeks) "so i guess we aren't friends either anymore"

 

so i reply back and tell her im good. but really i just keep thinking what's the point. o ya, probably only because you are free for right now.

[jlr]

So we talked last night. For a really long time. I was up until 4am. I'm not sure about it all. I'm cautious. I feel like I've grown a lot since last time I talked to her. I don't feel like the same, stupid, guy who just wants her back. Honestly, I don't want her back. At least not now. She's all kinds of messed up.

 

Most of the reasoning for her contacting me was to apologize. The letter I wrote her struck a chord with her. She said I was right about alot of it. She admitted that she has trouble loving herself, and it made it hard for her to love anyone else. She said our breakup wasn't really about me, it was about her. She didn't want to ever admit maybe she was responsible for anything. She thought she could pin all her problems and issues on me and they'd go away if she cut me loose, but that she still has them, and she knows now that they're her issues. She said she hasn't been very mature lately, and that she knows that. She said I didn't deserve any of it, and she felt like she owed me that explanation.

 

Most of it I already have come to know on my own. It was nice to hear it from her mouth though. I felt relieved a bit.

 

It wasn't easy though. There were rough moments. Moments where I let my anger out. Moments where the truth hurt. Moments where we cried. No one held anything back. I didn't let her get away with saying anything I thought was bull****.

 

We also spent alot of time talking like we used to. Laughing. Just talking about random things. Remembering fond memories of us. Realizing there's a connection between us that just doesn't ever die.

 

We both agreed what happened was necessary. We both needed to grow as people. She would never have been able to have a good relationship if she still ignored all her issues and put them on me. It wasn't a good recipe. We can only take what we learned and apply it to now.

 

Of course, what does that mean? I don't know. She needs to be with herself for a while. She needs to fix herself. If there's something after that, I don't know. Is there friendship? I don't honestly know if that's even possible with my feelings towards her.

 

I'm sure people have opinions. I'm open to them.

[Leveller]

This is the advice you gave to me some months ago and I think it is still true now.

 

i don't know. i think it's best if you focus on you. if you take time for yourself. i had a similar experience in the sense that my ex kept me around for six months. we weren't a couple, but we were doing couple things - including sex. then in the month we finally take NC, she finds a new person. people who don't know what they want in life or what they're doing - the pull everyone else into that chaos. i got sucked into it because i love her. the truth is, there's a reason they don't know what they want, often it's an internal issue. and instead of dealing with it, they ignore it, or find something new to focus on. it's easier for them. instead of investing time and energy in maintaining a real relationship, they'll look for something new and easy that won't allow them to deal with their own head.

 

My advice is PLEASE TREAD CAREFULLY WATEVER YOU DECIDE. Guard your heart my friend.

[jlr]

Thanks. I am guarding it, for sure.

 

And thanks for the reminder. It's always hard to take your own advice, right?

 

I'm really cautious. At this point it's just a conversation, nothing more. I'm not even sure if I can go beyond that right now.

 

She needs to work things out for herself. I've grown alot in the last year. I've gone to therapy. I've worked out lots of issues. Maybe she's at the point where she is finally realizing hers and that she needs to fix them. But she's not there yet. It takes time.

 

She still has a mess to clean up. Hell she hasn't even broken it off with this other guy who she refers to as someone she's "technically" dating - apparently, there's not much involved and she admitted she did it to forget her problems. It was an escape. They're not serious, sort of a casual thing. She wants to be alone for a while, which is something she needs to do. I certainly don't want her back coming off of some rebound. That'd be absurd.

 

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know we still wouldn't work right now.

 

Do I feel that there's something still there? Absolutely. But it's going to take alot more than this call to ever repair it.

 

I honestly don't know what this is.

 

But, believe me, I'm skeptical and cautious of it.

[Leveller]

I've been saying for years, long before my current troubles started, that the hardest thing of all is to get perspective on your own life. Others can offer their opinions and advice, and that's all well and good, but only YOU can decide what is best for YOU.

 

I don't know anymore than anyone else does but as RonniW. has told me you will only ever be 50% of the relationship. The other 50% has to come from her. You sound very grounded at the minute and I hope you stay this way. Be careful of the curveball's life can throw at you (like this).

 

If I can help, like the other posters, I will. We are all trying to help with what is a very difficult situation.

 

Another thing, in matters of the heart the rulebook gets thrown out of the window. For this reason too be careful.