The future

October 5, 2009

Well its been about 3 1/2 months since the breakup. I have been NC ever since the split besides taking one of his calls. I'm still struggling with this. I'm just so sad.

Adding to my sadness lately has been thoughts of the future and what that might bring for me. At first, I was hurt and upset about losing him. Now, in addition, I am just having a very hard time imagining a happy future for myself. Here's what it is: the older I get (I am 32 now) the pickier I get, and the less I have to choose from. It's true. I am not unreasonably picky, I just know myself better now and I know what will make me happy and what I am willing to/unwilling to adapt to or accept or compromise with. I have overheard some conversations lately and it seems like guys are not interested in a girl my age!! Even though I am healthy and attractive and fun and look younger than my age, it is what it is. They want someone younger. They have their reasons for that. So, I have much less to choose from now. I don't want to be single for the rest of my life. I just want love. It's so hard to stay positive and think that it will happen. How? When? With WHO? I don't want to settle for someone I wouldn't have otherwise settled with, just to settle. Obviously that is WHY I am still single, because I haven't settled for Mr. Wrong. I've always said its better single than sorry, but what does that mean for my future?

Time is running out...Thats how I feel.

October 5, 2009

i have to say- i'm 33 and i totally understand where you're coming from. i know in my head that it's not true- that we will find someone great who loves us and treats us right and is all the things we're looking for and some we don't know we need or want but in my heart.... it feels.... hopeless sometimes. i know most of my male friends my age and older totally want younger women. i was helping a friend find someone and he's 38 and he was looking at like 25-28. really? and if you read my other post about the guy i was seeing- all the new women i think he's seeing are like 25ish or less. and he's my age. i wish i could help you- say something that would make it better- but it's the exact same thing i'm struggling with. maybe it makes it better to know you're not alone?

October 5, 2009

I too can relate (at least you've got a few of years on me - I'm approaching 35 .yikes!) It's scary and yes, the good ones are fewer and far between. It also really bugs me that men don't have the same "age pressure" as us women.

Anyways, I worry about my future too, but at the end of the day it's a pointless exercise. I don't think it's true that not very many guys are interested in a women your age, that is complete nonsense! There are over a billion people in this world, and many men will find you attractive.. just wait and see, it will happen!

Just remember that you're a really good catch, aside from being attractive, healthy and fun, you're mature, wiser and refuse to settle - those are super qualities to have - and someone will feel very lucky to have you one day.

October 5, 2009

i have to say- i'm 33 and i totally understand where you're coming from. i know in my head that it's not true- that we will find someone great who loves us and treats us right and is all the things we're looking for and some we don't know we need or want but in my heart.... it feels.... hopeless sometimes. i know most of my male friends my age and older totally want younger women. i was helping a friend find someone and he's 38 and he was looking at like 25-28. really? and if you read my other post about the guy i was seeing- all the new women i think he's seeing are like 25ish or less. and he's my age. i wish i could help you- say something that would make it better- but it's the exact same thing i'm struggling with. maybe it makes it better to know you're not alone?

Thanks for understanding, it does help. But as far as KNOWING we will find someone great, DO WE know that? I know some who are older than us who are still single, never married. I have a few cousins who are older than me and still single as well. Maybe it's better to try to get to a point where we accept the possibility that we will stay single. I'm not sure. It seems like a depressing thing to accept, but maybe it's necessary.

October 5, 2009

I too can relate (at least you've got a few of years on me - I'm approaching 35 .yikes!) It's scary and yes, the good ones are fewer and far between. It also really bugs me that men don't have the same "age pressure" as us women.

Anyways, I worry about my future too, but at the end of the day it's a pointless exercise. I don't think it's true that not very many guys are interested in a women your age, that is complete nonsense! There are over a billion people in this world, and many men will find you attractive.. just wait and see, it will happen!

Just remember that you're a really good catch, aside from being attractive, healthy and fun, you're mature, wiser and refuse to settle - those are super qualities to have - and someone will feel very lucky to have you one day.

Yes, so you share my concerns and frustrations! I do keep in mind that I am a great person and I have other great qualities besides what I mentioned. It's not a self esteem issue at all, I am very happy to be me. I have a lot to offer, I have so much to be grateful for and I am surrounded by wonderful people who care about me. And I have always had that mindset that I don't want to settle until I'm sure. It's not even about getting married, its about finding love. Getting married is just the desired result if you know what I mean. That is why I haven't settled! I thought I found true love, I really did, and supposedly he did too (my recent ex) but I still got dumped because of completely unforseen circumstances that had absolutely nothing to do with me! Now, what? How will I know again if I didn't really know this time? Sorry if thats confusing.

October 5, 2009

no, you're right, we don't know. but i have to believe (i HAVE TO) believe that there is someone out there for me. i have so much love to give and i am a pretty great person so why wouldn't there be? if it happens for pretty much everyone else i know, why not me? i don't know, i understand the thought about accepting it but i guess i'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. i don't think that's a positive attitude to have. being happy as a single woman is one thing. accepting that that's all you'll ever be is something else, kwim?

October 5, 2009

no, you're right, we don't know. but i have to believe (i HAVE TO) believe that there is someone out there for me. i have so much love to give and i am a pretty great person so why wouldn't there be? if it happens for pretty much everyone else i know, why not me? i don't know, i understand the thought about accepting it but i guess i'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. i don't think that's a positive attitude to have. being happy as a single woman is one thing. accepting that that's all you'll ever be is something else, kwim?

Well I hope that you are right about this, that there is someone out there for each of us. There is no reason I can think of why this won't or shouldn't happen for us. I guess it isn't a positive attitude to have...I don't really want to go in such a negative direction with my thoughts, I am really trying not to. I have always been happy with my single life, but since I don't want it to last forever, how much longer will I REALLY be happy with my single life?

October 5, 2009

I am a 39 year old male.

those guys looking for young girls are not the prizes that you think they are. If a 40 yr old man is looking in the under 30 age range then he is not looking for a real relationship anyway, so you have not really lost anything.

now if you are talking about guys your age, like 33, well its not unusual or somehow unfair that they would go for a 28 year old. The most common scenario is for a man to go for a woman a couple of years younger and a woman to go a couple of years older.

You make a good point there. These older guys looking for a girl so much younger than them, even 15 years younger...makes you wonder what their intentions are. Yes that is the most common scenario, for the girl to be a couple years younger and that is precisely why I am concerned...

October 5, 2009

Well its been about 3 1/2 months since the breakup. I have been NC ever since the split besides taking one of his calls. I'm still struggling with this. I'm just so sad.

Adding to my sadness lately has been thoughts of the future and what that might bring for me. At first, I was hurt and upset about losing him. Now, in addition, I am just having a very hard time imagining a happy future for myself. Here's what it is: the older I get (I am 32 now) the pickier I get, and the less I have to choose from. It's true. I am not unreasonably picky, I just know myself better now and I know what will make me happy and what I am willing to/unwilling to adapt to or accept or compromise with. I have overheard some conversations lately and it seems like guys are not interested in a girl my age!! Even though I am healthy and attractive and fun and look younger than my age, it is what it is. They want someone younger. They have their reasons for that. So, I have much less to choose from now. I don't want to be single for the rest of my life. I just want love. It's so hard to stay positive and think that it will happen. How? When? With WHO? I don't want to settle for someone I wouldn't have otherwise settled with, just to settle. Obviously that is WHY I am still single, because I haven't settled for Mr. Wrong. I've always said its better single than sorry, but what does that mean for my future?

Time is running out...Thats how I feel.

Time is not running out for you. You are still very young. Do you have children? Is your career on track? IMO, if you have no children and your career is not on track...don't have any and get a career that makesw you happy and that provides you with a comfortable living. Keep yourself healthy. Your looks will stay sexy into your 50's. I am 47, and look great and I have no problem meeting possible soul mates.

October 5, 2009

Time is not running out for you. You are still very young. Do you have children? Is your career on track? IMO, if you have no children and your career is not on track...don't have any and get a career that makesw you happy and that provides you with a comfortable living. Keep yourself healthy. Your looks will stay sexy into your 50's. I am 47, and look great and I have no problem meeting possible soul mates.

Thanks for sharing.

No children, and I have an excellent career going. I will definitely keep myself healthy. I do stay fit and I have a great figure that most girls would love to have! With so many men out there, it doesn't even matter about looks. They want someone younger than me and that's that!

October 5, 2009

"Yes that is the most common scenario, for the girl to be a couple years younger and that is precisely why I am concerned..."

ah ok, well now we are getting somewhere.

don't shoot the messenger but........you are being hypocritical because it is you that has an issue with age. You could get a guy in his late 30's but you think they are too old.

Well actually I am looking for Mr. Right and whether he's 29 or 39 that won't matter to me...a 39 year old isn't too old for me, but, I am just saying that there is less to choose from. Right off the bat, there are less single 39 year olds out there. Then, add that to what I said about becoming more and more picky...which isn't a bad thing, because I have learned with each relationship what will and what won't work for me. I am not picky in a superficial sense, just to clear that up. It was tough enough finding a guy years ago that was a good match, and the reality is that it will be much harder now.

October 5, 2009

I do keep in mind that I am a great person and I have other great qualities besides what I mentioned. It's not a self esteem issue at all, I am very happy to be me.

Sorry to have rambled on about that.. I was just trying to make a point that just because you're 32 doesn't mean that no man is not going to be interested in you. It's not about age, it's about who you are and what you have to offer.

I thought I found true love, I really did, and supposedly he did too..
How will I know again if I didn't really know this time?

What didn't you know this time? What does true love mean to you?

Maybe you did find true love, it just wasn't a true love that was meant to last "forever"?

It doesn't mean that it was your only opportunity.

I don't know if what I'm saying helps, or makes sense, but I dont think we need to give up on our dream of finding another.

There is plenty of time left..

October 5, 2009

Well actually I am looking for Mr. Right and whether he's 29 or 39 that won't matter to me...a 39 year old isn't too old for me, but, I am just saying that there is less to choose from. Right off the bat, there are less single 39 year olds out there. Then, add that to what I said about becoming more and more picky...which isn't a bad thing, because I have learned with each relationship what will and what won't work for me. I am not picky in a superficial sense, just to clear that up. It was tough enough finding a guy years ago that was a good match, and the reality is that it will be much harder now.

I met a 50 year old man who is HOT HOT HOT...never married or had any children. I am HOT also and 47, but I have been married 3 times and have 4 children. So, I feel like I am not compatable with him because of my failed marriages. We get along great and have ALOT of fun together. So, don't be in a hurry about anything. Sometimes things are better left alone too find their way.

October 5, 2009

Sorry to have rambled on about that.. I was just trying to make a point that just because you're 32 doesn't mean that no man is not going to be interested in you. It's not about age, it's about who you are and what you have to offer.

What didn't you know this time? What does true love mean to you?
Maybe you did find true love, it just wasn't a true love that was meant to last "forever"?

It doesn't mean that it was your only opportunity.

I don't know if what I'm saying helps, or makes sense, but I dont think we need to give up on our dream of finding another.

There is plenty of time left..

Thats how it should be I agree, its about what I have to offer.

It is very very very VERY hard to accept this past relationship being over, thats all. I thought he was the one for me. I'm sure there will be other opportunities, but I am just wondering about that, and trying very hard to stay positive. I'm not doing very well with that at the moment.

October 5, 2009

I met a 50 year old man who is HOT HOT HOT...never married or had any children. I am HOT also and 47, but I have been married 3 times and have 4 children. So, I feel like I am not compatable with him because of my failed marriages. We get along great and have ALOT of fun together. So, don't be in a hurry about anything. Sometimes things are better left alone too find their way.

Thank you, I haven't been in a hurry at all or I'd have been married by now...I just keep going back and forth with my thoughts on this.

October 5, 2009

"It was tough enough finding a guy years ago that was a good match, and the reality is that it will be much harder now."

"reality" is not the problem. The problem is all in your head.

You don't agree that there are less options for me now than when I was younger? Please elaborate on what the problem is in my head.

October 5, 2009

I'm sure there will be other opportunities, but I am just wondering about that, and trying very hard to stay positive. I'm not doing very well with that at the moment.

Yea, I hear you.. can't be 100% positive 100% of the time.. especially when you're still dealing with a broken heart! You're going to be just fine.

October 5, 2009

Yea, I hear you.. can't be 100% positive 100% of the time.. especially when you're still dealing with a broken heart! You're going to be just fine.

Thats exactly what I mean...it was all about my broken heart at first and now the pain and sadness is traveling to other reasons. I just want it all to go away! I've had enough! It kills me that you never really REALLY get over it until you have somebody better. All the time and other dates in the world won't do it for me. I don't think I'll be over this one completely until I am in love again, and that thought is bringing me here in this thread today.

October 5, 2009

You don't agree that there are less options for me now than when I was younger? Please elaborate on what the problem is in my head.

Ehi Caramel, i understand your fears...

but, as a 33yrs old man, i can say that i'm mostly interested in girls between 27 and 33 yrs old...

of course these being just directions, since maturity, charme and personality don't completely depends on age.

As for your question - even though not asked to me - i'd say that probably yes, there are (slightly) less options now than when you were younger. But, the people you could meet now are probably more experienced, men who knows better what they want for their life and out of a relationship.

So...less quantity and better quality..;

And at the end of the day... everyone's life is unique in its development.. stable couples formed at young age often lose their spark and sink in monotony.. older people are sometimes much more able to express and live love than young guys and girls... i've seen examples of both.

The point is.. i'm not sure taking others as a reference point is the best way to judge our life, albeit a common habit.. we should judge our life only by the quality of our choices.. easier said than done, of course

October 5, 2009

Ehi Caramel, i understand your fears...
but, as a 33yrs old man, i can say that i'm mostly interested in girls between 27 and 33 yrs old...
of course these being just directions, since maturity, charme and personality don't completely depends on age.

As for your question - even though not asked to me - i'd say that probably yes, there are (slightly) less options now than when you were younger. But, the people you could meet now are probably more experienced, men who knows better what they want for their life and out of a relationship.

So...less quantity and better quality..;

And at the end of the day... everyone's life is unique in its development.. stable couples formed at young age often lose their spark and sink in monotony.. older people are sometimes much more able to express and live love than young guys and girls... i've seen examples of both.

The point is.. i'm not sure taking others as a reference point is the best way to judge our life, albeit a common habit.. we should judge our life only by the quality of our choices.. easier said than done, of course

I see what you mean, and thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. I guess I am just questioning many things right now. It all comes down to being afraid that I won't find what I'm looking for. I have to overcome this fear somehow or find a better way to deal with it.

October 5, 2009

It kills me that you never really REALLY get over it until you have somebody better. All the time and other dates in the world won't do it for me. I don't think I'll be over this one completely until I am in love again,

Wow, I'm in your very same place.

These thoughs suck... then suddenly i experience some brief moments of peace and acceptance. But these don't last long, at the moment.

Big hugs!

October 5, 2009

as far as your horribly dwindling options due to your impending old age, well here is a little thought experiment.

There are probably only about 50 million men in this country(U.S.A) that would be willing and able to have sex with you tonight. That is a very conservative estimate, but it is a good starting point to use for other estimates. This would be the pool of men available to you if you had no standards of any kind.

Lets say that 1 in 5 of those men are even close to what you would consider dating, and they feel the same about you. So you are down to 10 million. This is basically what you might come up with in a dating search if everyone was on the same website.

Lets say that you are infinitely fast and look at all the profiles that come up in the search. about 1 in 10 of them seem interesting. So you are down to 1 million good prospects.

I know its depressing to think that there might only be 1 million good matches for you ( in the U.S. only ) but really you just have to suck it up.

LOL, THANK YOU for making me laugh. I will try to keep this in mind! If you care to add anything else I would love to hear it.

October 5, 2009

Wow, I'm in your very same place.
These thoughs suck... then suddenly i experience some brief moments of peace and acceptance. But these don't last long, at the moment.
Big hugs!

Big hugs to you too. I hope peace and acceptance is what we will come to very very soon.

October 5, 2009

sbrizio- i think i love you! so right on. sometimes it's easier to know that to really believe it though. and it's true- it's very hard not to compare yourself to other people. i am the only one of my college friends (and the majority of my friends in general) that's not married/have kids. even htough i tell myself what my mommy always told me (I'm a late bloomer!) it's hard not to go to the scary place of "maybe it's just meant to happen in my life."

i do understand men my age liking women 27-33 or older. most of them seem to look for 21-25 though- or at least that's what i keep coming across with the men i talk to/ see on online dating sites. i know one of my clients is a 40 year old never married single man, he and his friends had a party and only invited women 25 and younger. he said women my age only want to get married and have kids and who needs it. ok, that's not entirely true but i know that's the perception. fyi i think a lot of the 25 years olds want to get married and have kids too! anyway, it just seems, like caramel said, that women in their mid 30s are in a sort of wasteland. i know it's not (and thanks bh for the math!) but it SEEMS that way.

caramel- god i am so with you! i just want it all to go away! and believe me i am trying (and failing) very hard to be positive.

October 5, 2009

sbrizio- i think i love you! so right on. sometimes it's easier to know that to really believe it though. and it's true- it's very hard not to compare yourself to other people. i am the only one of my college friends (and the majority of my friends in general) that's not married/have kids. even htough i tell myself what my mommy always told me (I'm a late bloomer!) it's hard not to go to the scary place of "maybe it's just meant to happen in my life."

i do understand men my age liking women 27-33 or older. most of them seem to look for 21-25 though- or at least that's what i keep coming across with the men i talk to/ see on online dating sites. i know one of my clients is a 40 year old never married single man, he and his friends had a party and only invited women 25 and younger. he said women my age only want to get married and have kids and who needs it. ok, that's not entirely true but i know that's the perception. fyi i think a lot of the 25 years olds want to get married and have kids too! anyway, it just seems, like caramel said, that women in their mid 30s are in a sort of wasteland. i know it's not (and thanks bh for the math!) but it SEEMS that way.

caramel- god i am so with you! i just want it all to go away! and believe me i am trying (and failing) very hard to be positive.

Thats the thing!!! I know a lot of guys feel that way about girls our age but its far from the truth! If all I wanted was to get married and have kids that would have happened by now. Anybody can get married, ANYBODY. I have done my fair share of walking away from good guys who just weren't right for me. It's something special that I'm looking for, something to not walk away from. Something that no circumstances in the world will shatter. That is hard to come by. I have said this before, but I'll say it again - I'm convinced that there are so many people running around with the WRONG person, that it makes them unavailable for the RIGHT person...and then things breakup, and then they jump back in with another wrong person, and the process continues and there we have it! Of course everybody makes mistakes. I am far from perfect myself but what I will not do is spend much time with a guy who I am not feeling it with. I'd rather be single. And here I am...

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