aeh Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 For the WS, who are you thinking about when you're making love with your BS? Do you fantasize about your AP?
MistyK Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 For me, the A wasn't very long before I ended my marriage, but yes, I had to think of fMM to make it tolerable to have sex with my H while it lasted. I am not one to have sex for sex's sake, and I grew increasingly disintrested in my xH over years, even prior to the A. I even recall one time when I got out of the shower, and my xH grabbed me for a hug and I felt largely repulsed. I closed my eyes and thought of fMM. fMM used to tell me that he couldn't get aroused with xW unless he thought of me. I know he felt guilty about that. In hindsight, I think his telling me this was at least in part supposed to give me the incorrect picture that they weren't having sex at that point. He was struggling with the idea of "cheating" on both of us. Once he finally stopped having sex with her, he'd complain to me that he felt so guilty about not wanting sex with her. He's one of those guys who wants to please everyone and succeeds in pleasing no one as a result.
Athena Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Last year after D-Day I actually asked my H if he ever did this (thought of his then present OW while in bed with me). He swears he NEVER did! It's amazing, isn't it? Most people cannot control their thoughts, but can control their behaviors and yet he differs drastically in that he appears to not be able to control his behavior (as evidenced by his repetitive choice of infidelity), yet he appears to have no problem with keeping any 'improper, unwanted, thoughts' pop into his mind at inopportune moments like when having sex with his wife:confused:
Author aeh Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 And are WS fantasizing about their AP's when having their "alone time" with themselves??
Athena Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 And are WS fantasizing about their AP's when having their "alone time" with themselves?? Yup, pretty much a given...
MistyK Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 And are WS fantasizing about their AP's when having their "alone time" with themselves?? I can only speak for myself - but I did.
NowhereToHide Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 For the WS, who are you thinking about when you're making love with your BS? Do you fantasize about your AP? It was interesting for me... my H is WAY better in bed than my AP (yet I was still able to fantasize my AP into being wonderful probably because we were only physical once). I did think about my AP during sex with my H while the A was still going on. And for a little while afterwards. But since my H is so much better, it was easy to let my AP go -- in that department anyway (the EA was much more powerful for me than the PA). As for "by myself"? Yes. Definitely the AP.
Devil Inside Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 When I was in the A and for a little while afterward thoughts of my AP would creep into my head when I had sex with my W. This always made me feel really guilty and had some bad results. While in the A I stopped having sex with my W because of this. It also resulted in me having a hard time finishing because I would have an internal struggle of feeling guilty for thinking of my AP when in bed with my W. I also thought of my AP when I was alone. This has changed with NC....but I still feel guilty that it happened.
jennie-jennie Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I stayed with my SO for half a year after MM's and my EMR turned from an EA to a PA. I made this choice because my MM was not leaving his wife. My SO knew of both the EA and the PA. I was more and more consumed by the PA with thoughts of MM during sex with my SO until it came to the point where I could not at all enjoy sex with my SO. It just felt wrong. At this point, two and a half years ago, I ended my 25 year long relationship with my SO. Noteworthy is that I did not feel guilty towards MM about having sex with my SO since I knew MM was still married, having sex with his wife. That was not why I ended the relationship. The reason was that it felt wrong towards my SO and myself since it was not him that I desired.
jennie-jennie Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Also, something I don't think I have seen mentioned here before, during the 9 month long EA at least, the sexual tension between MM and I greatly enhanced the sex between SO and I as well as between MM and his wife. Literally, since the hormones of being in love were running wild in MM and me, we were both highly tuned to sex even when it was not with each other.
NowhereToHide Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Also, something I don't think I have seen mentioned here before, during the 9 month long EA at least, the sexual tension between MM and I greatly enhanced the sex between SO and I as well as between MM and his wife. Literally, since the hormones of being in love were running wild in MM and me, we were both highly tuned to sex even when it was not with each other. This happened with me as well.
Author aeh Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 And if your H or W asked if you did this, did you tell them the truth? Or did you say that you never thought about your AP? Did you imagine it was your AP doing the same thing or were you just off in la-la land thinking about stuff you and your AP did or would like to do?
NowhereToHide Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 And if your H or W asked if you did this, did you tell them the truth? Or did you say that you never thought about your AP? Did you imagine it was your AP doing the same thing or were you just off in la-la land thinking about stuff you and your AP did or would like to do? Well, since my H doesn't know about my xAP, that's not a question he would ask. And I think it was more of a "general" feeling of fantasizing about him. But like I said earlier, for me, this was short lived since my AP pretty much sucked in bed. There's only so much fantasizing one can do.
HisSweetThing Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 II was more and more consumed by the PA with thoughts of MM during sex with my SO until it came to the point where I could not at all enjoy sex with my SO. It just felt wrong. At this point, two and a half years ago, I ended my 25 year long relationship with my SO. Noteworthy is that I did not feel guilty towards MM about having sex with my SO since I knew MM was still married, having sex with his wife. That was not why I ended the relationship. The reason was that it felt wrong towards my SO and myself since it was not him that I desired. I have been married for 22 years. I felt exactly the same way. I slept with my H for less than 3 months after the affair started. Then I just couldn't bring myself to do it anymore. The same thing - it felt wrong. I am now in the process of a divorce. I thought about my AP ALL the time!
Devil Inside Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 And if your H or W asked if you did this, did you tell them the truth? Or did you say that you never thought about your AP? Did you imagine it was your AP doing the same thing or were you just off in la-la land thinking about stuff you and your AP did or would like to do? My wife has not asked me this question. I felt very guilty when even an image of my AP came to mind when with my W...so I would stop. I think that in many ways she figured it had something to do with AP...she never asked...but I told her I felt guilty and like I did not deserve to have sex with her.
MistyK Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 And if your H or W asked if you did this, did you tell them the truth? Or did you say that you never thought about your AP? Did you imagine it was your AP doing the same thing or were you just off in la-la land thinking about stuff you and your AP did or would like to do? My xH didn't find out about the affair until after we separated and by then he knew we weren't reconciling, so he didn't ask. Given that we weren't reconciling, I probably would have opted to spare his feelings and lie. I never imagined it was the fMM doing the things xH was doing to me while having sex. Honestly that wouldn't have been an attractive prospect bc sex with my xH really sucked. So, I usually had a sexual fantasy about fMM and I doing stuff elsewhere, completely different things. So, one vote for la-la land.
silktricks Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 fBS here. These were not questions I ever asked as I already knew the answer. Yes, I'm quite positive he fantasized about his AP while f*ing me.
tami-chan Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 I didn't read the whole thread, so forgive me if this has been asked or answered already, but aeh, have you asked your H this? If so, why did you want to know? Did you expect to be told the truth? What did you do with the information?
jennie-jennie Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 And if your H or W asked if you did this, did you tell them the truth? Or did you say that you never thought about your AP? Did you imagine it was your AP doing the same thing or were you just off in la-la land thinking about stuff you and your AP did or would like to do? I would never have admitted that. Why hurt my SO's feelings? It was more like my entire sexual being was focused on MM all the time during this intensive sexual period. So when the interruptions of focus which intercourse with my SO consisted of, it was not enough to take my focus away from my primary love and sex interest which was my MM.
Author aeh Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 I didn't read the whole thread, so forgive me if this has been asked or answered already, but aeh, have you asked your H this? If so, why did you want to know? Did you expect to be told the truth? What did you do with the information? LOL! Exactly! Why do I ask these stupid questions? I am not sure. I have a few days, maybe a week where I think I am doing pretty well and then my mind concocts these questions, some permutation of something I have asked before or some nugget of information, that I can torture myself with. Sometimes I almost feel like I am having to come up with things to keep myself angry...although Lord knows, there's plenty enough there already to do that. I guess I am trying to get into the mindset. Wanting to probe my H's mind, but of course he will give me the glossed-over sweetened up version and perhaps I am trying to determine how much of a liar he is.
MistyK Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 LOL! Exactly! Why do I ask these stupid questions? I am not sure. I have a few days, maybe a week where I think I am doing pretty well and then my mind concocts these questions, some permutation of something I have asked before or some nugget of information, that I can torture myself with. Sometimes I almost feel like I am having to come up with things to keep myself angry...although Lord knows, there's plenty enough there already to do that. I guess I am trying to get into the mindset. Wanting to probe my H's mind, but of course he will give me the glossed-over sweetened up version and perhaps I am trying to determine how much of a liar he is. Something occurred to me - maybe you can answer your own question, even if it is somewhat different - who were you thinking about during and after your revenge affair?
Author aeh Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 Would you believe that during my RA, while with OM, I thought about my H. The sex was unbelievable but I still thought of my H. During sex with my H, I thought of OM sometimes but mainly of my H and his OW. And when I am alone, even though my mind may wander continuously about NEITHER of them (i tend to think about anonymous situations), in the end I always think about my H.
Lizzie60 Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Yes.. the MM think about his OW when having sex with his W.. (which, in most cases, doesn't happen very often )... and when he takes care of business himself ... again he thinks of his OW.. (even text her sometimes to tell her ) Would they tell their spouse?.. why would they do such a stupid thing?
2sure Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 My H, the serial cheating narcissist.... Has a thing for knocking one off while he looks at pictures of women he KNOWS, pictures of himself having sex with these women. Prior to finding about all of his secrets we used to enjoy taking pictures of our own activities. Also, he had lot of pictures with other women I never knew about and some that were before I came along. So - he had PLENTY to choose from. You know what he jerks off to.? ...just ME. Its the strangest thing to me. When I discovered through the use of multiple professional services the scope of his infidelity...I cant help but wonder why his fantasies are about ME, but his actions are with others. Just another WTF.
Spark1111 Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 I think the times he was with me but fantasizing about the OW....he frequently had performance problems, which was new and out of the blue for us, but it should have been a big, red flag! How stupid I was! He was also, heavily, secretly into lots and lots of porn on a daily basis during his affair. There may have been other extra-curriculur activities. I know he was talking to other women seeking the next crush, thrill, etc., during the time of his affair. So we have sex once or twice a week while he's texting her she is the love of his life and he seems to be trawling for other....ahem...attention. The OW convinces him that I must have a lover because he has convinced her we never have sex. Do you understand the depth of this delusional thinking????? I have no idea who he fantasized about when with her. I began to realize, like anyone who grows addicted to any substance, this behavior had......NOTHING to do with me, though I am sure he rationalized I was at fault somehow. Now there is no more daily porn, no trawling for others and all the sex we can handle. I am sure affair sex is off the charts! And I'm jealous for always having been such a good girl. But I believe it is the dynamics of the situation that make it sooooo exciting, less the person you are having it with. Two years out, he claims it was the attention and flattery he found sooo exciting. That's what really turned him on; being able to reinvent yourself to be the person you always wanted to be, with someone who didn't know jack about your past. Hmmmm....I guess I need to believe this to go forward. What do I fantasize about?? Mostly situational and always....him.
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