EarthGirl Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 my whole life is just a huge nightmare I can't wait to wake up.
Author EarthGirl Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 I got a cat too. she is my one saving grace, I swear my only reason for living most days, and the only one who really seems to care about me. yeah my grandma died last night and the LDR guy dumped me within a couple hours. I would think it was intentional (he has been known to be cruel) except that I had not even told him about my grandma yet and I can't think of a way he could have known so fast...we were still dealing with just letting all the family know ,my sis and bro and cousins etc.
JaggedRoad Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 My sympathy goes out for you. It seems like life has a cruel way of unloading all the bad things all at once. Sometimes I wonder if there's a spiritual CTRL+Z to undo things.
Kaya Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Sorry to hear about your grandma earthgirl.. your LDR guy sure has bad timing! Take care and all the best.
Author EarthGirl Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 it's just hard to be so invisible. my grandma was one of the few people in my life, indeed one of the few people I've ever met that actually saw me. Most people just look right past me, always have. And I don't even know why, I gave up trying to figure it out. Sure kids all love me and all animals adore me immediately upon meeting as if I'm the best thing ever...but with most adults sometimes I feel like it's ME that's dead, and I'm in the Sixth Sense or something and only certain people/creatures see me and to everyone else in the world I'm just a ghost, they just look right through me. And I know I'm shy but it's gotten to be just ridiculous, I am not totally socially paralyzed or awkward to the point that this phenomenom would be understandable that it was all coming from my end..some hidden psychology that is showing to others somehow and bringing it upon myself. I know that's a selfish reason to be crying over my grandma, but she had a good life..she had her misfortunes and trying times too but also a lot of good ones, she was probably more blessed than me in a lot of ways already by the time she was my age and she grew up in the depression, but she had a husband and friends and family that loved her and cherished her. And she wanted to go "up there"...that's what she wanted she was tired of life... She has been suffering the last few years...At times with physical pain, but luckily not that bad or that often, but she suffered with poor thing being bored out of her mind because she had a stroke years ago and could not communicate well enough to have in depth conversations anymore(we did at times do surprisingly well though and there was a lot of humor because of what I call 'post stroke mad-libs") or go out very often or do much physical activity she had been walking with a walker for several years and most of her life was spent inside the house..and then her eyesight went and she could no longer read or watch tv. So basically her life activities and interests and thoughts, etc...her whole experience was very limited and it was less that she was uncomfortable physically and more that she was just so bored and her life was empty because she was there but she just did not have the capacity to experience much anymore. What occupied her mind a huge percentage of the time was worry about us, her family, because her mind was still sharp as a tack and she knew everything that was going on because she was able to have enough conversation to understand what everyone was up to..and she had an incredible memory..never any problems with Alzheimers...and she never got fuzzy until the last few weeks when she was officially "dying". She always was a worrier about her children and all their children though, she was a real mom, the kind of woman who was a mom 24/7 even if she was not always playing that role at a certain time. It just got worse later...and all that all sounds nice but she spent an incredible amount of time worrying about children and grandchildren, their health, their happiness, and every little thing in between. And I am so glad she is free in heaven now (she was an absolutel believer in heaven, a devoted Catholic her whole life) and happy and finally able to experience whatever it has to offer and I am sure that is a lot and it is wonderful. But I am also kind of upset that she is not here to worry about me anymore. My little angel cat "sees" me as well..but it is not that long a list of people/creatures that have this incredible ability.
JaggedRoad Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 There's no reason for you to feel bad or "selfish" about crying and grieving over your grandmother's death.
Author EarthGirl Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 yeah I guess not. it's just this is my first close to home death ever in my life. I am 27, less than half a year to 28, and I know how lucky I am. We've been kinda expecting it for years but she just kept on keepin on...She was a really tough lady. We lost a few great uncles and great aunts and I loved them dearly they were wonderful people but I was not as close to them. The only thing that really came close was losing our dog...and I was with her when they put her to sleep. That was very hard to watch her fade away, just like that...even though it was so peaceful, but it was so hard to see her body and know that she wasn't in it anymore. I did not know what to expect with my grandma, and I was not able to get down to see her one last time, but I have spent a good amount of time with her the last few years. But since I was not even there, it was just nothing...I was listening to a song on myspace and my mom walked in and just said, "she's gone" ..just like that. Nothing was different, the song kept on playing, and even though my mom has told me it has been really difficult the last few weeks for my grandma, she has been in pain at times, and it has been a trying time for my aunt and my mom and uncles to care for her (they had some professional help from a couple nurses from a hospice in their town as well)...apparently when she "went"...which only one of my uncles and the nurse that was there were there for because everyone else was taking a much needed break...it was completely peaceful and easy as can be...as peaceful as anyone could ever hope to die..you just take your last breathe and exhale and close your eyes and your soul floats up out of your body I guess. something like that. so I guess what I am saying is that my grandma was old...almost 90...and It is the cycle of life..it's natural..I believe that. So even though in some ways it's the hardest death I've ever had to deal with myself, it's natural and she was ready to go and wanted to go, so I didn't know how I should feel. And I couldn't tell how I DID feel, whatever I should or shouldn't. I still don't really know and I kinda feel much more depressed about my own horrible life (and honestly a little jealous that she is in heaven now and having fun and I am still so tired and in pain) than about missing her..but I feel scared and sad that she won't be there to worry about me anymore or for me to kiss goodnight anymore and for it to just feel a little better once in a while just for a moment. She was such a nice lady.
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