Is it too soon to stay over when his daughter is home? And how do we deal with this?

[Makemesmile]

Hi hope you can help, just to give you backgroud:

 

i'm 26 and my partner is 28, we met at school and dated for a few mnths, but college and lifestyles kept us apart.

 

Anyway 4mths ago we met up and have picked up where we left off, things are great between us.

 

He has a 4yr old daughter that lives with him, and she stays with her mum at weekends, so we get wkends together which is great for us.

 

However we have a party for guy folks on 5th Nov and it makes sence for me to stay at his the night, however it will be the first time his daughter will be home.

 

1st is it too soon?

 

2nd whats the best way to explain this to her?

 

For example yesterday before i left he said to her: K will have to sleep one night wont she, what do you think?

 

She said yes but not in your bed she will have to stay on the floor!! At the time this was funny, however in reality what do i do?

 

Any advice from you mummys & daddys out there???

 

P.s i have no children so all this is new to me!

[ReturnToSender]

Kids are pretty honest...and Im guessing from what she said, though it sounded funny, there was truth in there about how she felt about it. She may not mind at all that you stay there, but doesnt want you sleeping with daddy, like mommy did...know what I mean? That is probably too soon for her to see.

 

In that situation, Id either sleep over on the couch, or just get up early and meet with them in the morning...Id sooner go for the later. And dont be surprised if she wakes up early to check and make sure you didnt fall asleep in bed with her dad.

[Makemesmile]

Thanks for your response.

 

The thing is, she has never lived with them both, her mum and dad split before she was born and due to her mum not been such a good mother the court give him full custody.

 

He had a GF at that time and she stayed there, and thats why we agreed we would take things very slow, with meeting her, to holding hands and kissing around her etc....

 

She came home weeks and weeks ago saying her mum had a new BF and they where in bed and that was another reason we didnt want her to see us together like that, as her mother has had many BF.

 

But your right, she saying we carnt sleep together in her own words, thanks for that, i didnt see it! Maybe as i dont have children i dont understand them small things that should really scream out at you.

[Lucky_One]

Sounds like a couch for you! Kids are very very funny about these things, and don't be tempted to sleep in his bed and get up at 6:00 to creep to the couch; 4 year olds have a tendency to come get in bed with parents at night.

 

If at all possible, I would just go home until she is way more used to you being in the house.

[hopeful1980]

Personally, I'd say it was too soon. If I were a single parent, I'd give it a little more than 4 months before anyone I was dating spent the night with me and my kids. I just wouldn't want to introduce something like that into their lives without more of a committed relationship.

[KikiW]

I agree completely with the previous posters, with one little nugget of information to keep in the back of your mind...

 

Children should not be allowed to rule the roost - it bites people in the rear every time. I would say sleep on the couch, but over a long period of time, when it is clear that you two are dating, she should not have any say over where you sleep. I.E. you should not be still sleeping on the couch in a year because the precious snowflake demands you not stay in the same bed as daddy.

 

I would also advise consulting a child psychologist to help with the situation. They are the best people to give advice in this area. Good luck

[ReturnToSender]

I do totally agree not to let kids 'rule the roost' ...there is, I think, a fine balance between respecting her feelings, and letting her take control, the latter is dangerous territory. But...if she was asked how she felt, and she gave her opinion...then no one can fault her for being honest...and it would be wise to take her feelings into consideration regardless.

 

Personally...my daughter didnt even meet my bf until wed been together for about 3 months...and he didnt actually come over for dinner and spend time with us in our home until a couple more months after that. Im just really guarded over my home and my daughter in that way. All the same, for me what was important was making sure *I* wanted him to be a part of my life, and then making sure I wanted him to be a part of *her* life.

 

I just dont have the luxury to leap into anything feet first and take risks like I did when I was single...my daughters heart is involved too when she becomes attached, so I have to look out for her, and a part of that is taking things slow.

[Makemesmile]

Thanks for all your advice, and i will take it all on board and not rush things.

 

I dont want you to think that we have not being responsible with her feelings tho, it was only after about 2-3mths we where introduced and its wasnt like "this is my GF" we met in the park, went for days out, met at the supermarket, we made it very informal and mainly on her terms. And then in the last 2weeks i have been at her home when she returns from her mums, not for long tho, just 10-20mins, and then i go home.

 

And also me and her dad have known each other years and we are committed, we know this is the one, we are not playing at this relationship.

 

Lucky One: i agree with you, i dont like the idea of staying on the sofa, i would rather go home, to me that is like her ruling the roost and i wouldnt want to feel like that.

 

I think just give it more time, let her tell us when she is ready, but ensure its not all on her terms, i adore this little girl and i dont want her to feel thretend or uncomforable around me, i will give her the time she needs with her daddy.

 

Thanks all x