Janicee Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 I had been with my bf for 2 years. But the relationship was very harsh due to his lasting passive-agressive behaviours which were so abusive to hurt me much. I had finally quitted the relationship with him out of serious consideration of the poor prospect half years ago I started NC one day suddenly by moving away from him. He had no way to find me except my email and making sms to my phone. But I was not responding so far. In reading his emails, he at first put all the blame on my cruelness and then recently he started to beg me give an explanation and started again. But I am really tired of him and I really feel extricated of the separation. A month ago, I meet a new man and there is a good start. But now after a month, I start to have some quilt feeling for my ex. Do I really need to give him an explanation for leaving him due to his hurting behaviours. I really dont want one day he meets me and do crazy acts due to his misunderstanding of my leaving him due to:confused: another man. Please give me advice. I am having some confused thoughts.
Island Girl Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 So you just disappeared and did not communicate you were breaking it off? You could send a very brief e-mail stating it is over and has been over. You do not care for him anymore and hope he finds happiness elsewhere. It is up to you. Silence is a very good indicator that it is over and you have been silent for months. Though not the best way to end a relationship. Perhaps next time you will communicate it is over. It makes it easier on both sides and there is some kind of closure.
Author Janicee Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 After having NC for half a year, is it better to continue the NC to settle it or I should send an explanation. I dont know which is better. It seems too late for an explanation that might instigate some negative emotion and thought from him. Will this hurt more?
adamt Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 it is half a year ago, no point giving him any answers. i can guarantee once you open the communication he will try to contact you again and again. you havesomeone else now. if he still wants answers desperately then he is not yet over you.he may even try ot get back with you if you start communicating
dgiirl Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 (edited) Wow, that is pretty heartless to just disappear with no indication that it's over. You gave him absolutely no closure to the relationship. I understand your reasons, but that's still pretty cruel. He must be extremely confused, hurt, and angry. Every time he thinks of you, these feelings must come up again and again. At this point, 6 months later, I do not think there is anything you can do to make it any easier on him, unless you want to apologize for the way you ended the relationship? If you do, be prepared for an onslaught of questions, anger, and confusion. Unless you are absolutely ready to stick that out and give him the closure he needs, don't break contact. It would be even more cruel and selfish to make contact just to ease your own guilt, only to go back into silence and leaving him confused again. Just when he's starting to heal, you rip the bandage off and then disappear. As for what you can say to help give him closure? In all honestly, there's really no excuse you can give him that will make him think "Ah ok, now I understand" If you criticize his behavior, it'll just lead to more questions on why you never said anything and that he'll change or some other excuse. Closure needs to come from within him. He needs to finally realize that for whatever reason, and it really doesn't matter why, the relationship is over. If it was meant to be, it would have been. But it's not, and what you don't want, someone else will. Edited October 5, 2009 by dgiirl
Author Janicee Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 Thank you for your advices, they really help me to reflect a bit deeper. I was so overwhemled by my own bad fate at that moment that I just wanted to flee and get my life again. I was also scared of his agression. Oh it still hits me when I think it over again now. But I am still confused that if it would really be a good closure when I gave my explanation immediately before I started my NC?
dgiirl Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 But I am still confused that if it would really be a good closure when I gave my explanation immediately before I started my NC? It would have been decent to tell him the relationship was over. You guys were together for two years. That's a long time. If he meant anything to you during those two years, the least you could have done was tell him it was over. How would you feel if the tables were turned?
ecm Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 If you were in an abusive or unhealthy realtionship, it's understandable and probably the recommended way to break up (for safety reasons). If not, it's really not nice to do to someone. For me, it wouldbe much easier to hear the words "it's over" than to wonder why the person ran. I've had it done to me, and it is the worst chicken-sh*t thing a person can do. I think an explanation would be nice...IF he is not an abuser or something.
Author Janicee Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 Thanks everyone! I am used to be a polite person, sometimes appears to be to easy-going. But my ex was always using the passive-aggression to treat me with threatening words and at time slosing trace for unknown reasons. I had lots of anxiety and scared days. Until one day I had known of this a personality issue which was not easy to change. I suddenly felt that I would lose my life one day and became the headline of newspaper. Oh then I took the act all in a sudden. I hope I could do better but that time I was full of anxiety.
ecm Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 That makes me nervous. Has he threatened you or anything since the break up?
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