SilverLining Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 On one hand, this is great because I used to post in the breakup section of this site for like...a year. And now I'm in the dating section!!! On the other hand...I'm posting. Anyway, I've begun dating this guy, we just hit our month a couple days ago. We hit it off right away, he introduced me to his family and friends, I introduced him to some of mine. He lives an hour away from me and since I am looking for a job now that I have graduated from my master's program, he encourages me to stay for a few days when I come to visit. This past Thurs he dropped me off at home after a particularly long stay. When we got to my place, he started handing me my things like he was throwing me out of the car...but I figured it was a joke, and anyway, right after this he took some of my bags and brought them up to my apartment with me. When he left he asked me when he would see me again, to call him when I got back into town, and said he would miss me. So everything seemed great. Now, I went out of state for the weekend to go to a reunion, and I sort of expected to hear from him. But Friday goes by and I don't hear a thing. I sent him a message just saying that I hope he had a great night, and there was no response. I wasn't that worried. But then Sat came and went and nothing, no phone call and no text message. He usually does call me at least once when I am not there, so I started to think that maybe something was wrong. So then today, Sunday, I texted him in the morning and asked if everything was ok because I hadn't heard from him. No answer. A few hours later I called but left no message, and then a couple hours after that I called and left a message telling him I was a bit worried since I hadn't heard from him and I hoped everything was ok. I still haven't heard from him at all and it's driving me nuts, but I refuse to call again and actually LOOK nuts. Am I going overboard here? I should probably say that for the past 10 years (I'm 28) I was with two different guys who dumped me at a moment's notice, where every time they mentioned an issue with me or we had a fight they dumped me. I'm really trying to stay cool here but every time I've been in a situation where the guy hasn't called me it usually turns out that we're about to break up. And worst of all, even though it's only been a month I'm starting to develop strong feelings for this guy, which makes me even more worried. I really don't think that he would just not call, and I didn't think that there was any problem when he left, but I mean like I said, it's only been a month. I guess I'm looking for some perspective, maybe from a guy who does this? I could totally understand if he felt that we were spending too much time together and wanted a break, but I wish he'd tell me that rather than not talk to me...what's going on? Any ideas?
D-Lish Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 From your description of events, it sounds as if he has lost interest. When he mentioned to "call when you are in town again", that seems like a blow off. Did he seem annoyed before you left? Maybe it was just too long of a visit and he wants some space. Regardless- just give him space and don't contact him.
Author SilverLining Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 Oh, he said for me to 'call when I was in town' because I was going out of state for the weekend, and he wanted me to call him when I came back home. I guess he could have lost interest. But the thing is, he has mentioned many times that meeting me has sort of turned his whole world around and that he thinks I'm very special. It's why he introduced me to his family very quickly, and I'm the first girl they have met in about 7 years. He's also very attractive, so it's not like he couldn't date. It just seems very strange that he dropped off the face of the earth like that, especially since Thurs he spent a lot of time cuddling with me and staring at me with those 'moony-i'm-so-into-you eyes'. I'm more thinking that maybe he got freaked out?
JohnP82 Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 The question is would you want to continue dating someone that dodges your calls or drops off the face of the Earth?
D-Lish Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 The question is would you want to continue dating someone that dodges your calls or drops off the face of the Earth? Good point. It's also probably important to mention that many guys will play the "you're so special" card to get what they want. I remember dating this "awesome" guy that said and did all the right things- seemed to get attached so fast so early...He too dropped off the face of the earth soon after, Instead of trying to discern if he got scared off, I'd pay attention to how he has gone MIA. That says so much about how serious he was or whether he meant the things he said and did.
Author SilverLining Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 That's a great point. And it really depends on why he disappeared. He may have just wanted some space, or maybe he feels like things are going too fast and he's distancing himself, maybe he's having second thoughts, maybe he's just being a jerk. Who knows. But it's only been a month and it's the first occasion so I'm willing to cut him some slack provided he understands that it's not something I'm willing to tolerate in the future. And if he doesn't want to continue...well then at least I would know. The worst thing is not knowing what's going on. It could be as simple as he was planning on calling me on Sunday and his phone died. I don't want to jump to conclusions either.
ecm Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Hi Silver Lining. My story started out a lot like yours. Met this "wonderful" guy. Got close pretty quickly. Then, he freaks out and goes MIA. I'd give you the whole story, but instead I'll give you the jist. THAT WAS FIVE YEARS AGO. Five years later, my "wonderful, very hot" (like yours- SO MUCH harder when they're hot ) is still pulling the same crap. I've been an idiot. Trying to see if it's fixable. We'll see. How does this pertain to you? Well- Is your guy freaked out? Maybe. Did he mean what he said? Maybe. Will he contact you again if you don't contact him? I'd bet on it. Will he keep this sh*t up if you don't nip it in the bud IMMEDIATELY? YEP. So, how do you nip it in the bud. He knows you tried to contact him four times now. He's being a p*ssy-a*s-b*tch and avoiding dealing with whatever reason he is running from you. (yes, I'm pmsing, BTW) So, how do you nip this in the bud. Don't contact him. If he's freaked out, you'll scare him off. Here is an interesting sentence (or close to the sentence) from a book I don't especially agree with " In nature, anything that gets chased.... RUNS". Think about it. If it's meant to be it will happen. If you let him do this once, you are creating a pattern that is NOT fun to live with. Trust me. Sorry to be the bearer of potentially bad news. Hopefully you will be smart to fix it now.
Author SilverLining Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 Yeah month anniversary...and no of course I don't celebrate month anniversaries haha! I was more mentioning that we have only been dating a month. I'm not really being that clingy...I've let him lead with that sort of thing. I'm pretty laid back when it comes to dating, I can take it or leave it and sort of keep myself at a distance, but when we started dating he was immediately very excited about me, he introduced me to everyone, invited me to family functions - and the whole time I'm like...ok so I guess we're exclusive then? So to suddenly not hear from him...it's strange. He didn't seem annoyed or upset when I last saw him. I will definitely not call him and give him some space. I just wish I knew what the heck was going on.
aerogurl87 Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Well that is weird, no contact all weekend, hmm... Anyway, your right to not call or text him anymore, the ball is now in his court sort to say. And a man's actions I've found have no correlation to what's going on in their heads if they are jerks. On the day my ex boyfriend broke up with me, he managed to tell me that he loved me and how he pictured our future together, etc. that morning. Then about 3 hours later he told me he felt like he needed to find himself without me being around for a bit, only to find out the next day that he had a new girlfriend. So if he's a real jerk, better to find out now when your not so invested than later.
D-Lish Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 when we started dating he was immediately very excited about me, he introduced me to everyone, invited me to family functions - and the whole time I'm like...ok so I guess we're exclusive then? So to suddenly not hear from him...it's strange. He didn't seem annoyed or upset when I last saw him. I've come to realize that men that come on too strong too early are a walking red flag. So- take everything they say and do with a grain of salt.
Author SilverLining Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 Wow...that really is horrible! I guess I just wanted to make sure I wasn't going overboard in light of my past relationships. But I think that what I am going to do is stop worrying so much about it and do my own thing. If he wants to call me he will, he has my number. I get so caught up in wanting to know what's going on and fixating on it but bothering him about it isn't the way to go. If he does contact me I'll definitely let him know that it's unacceptable. It's not like I don't have other guys asking me out so whatever, I'm going to stop thinking about it now. I really appreciate all the advice and I'll let you guys know what happens.
ecm Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Giiiirl, you need to more than TELL him. Give it time. When he comes back, make him WORK for it. I never did! And look at me- home alone, on a website trying to make sense out of the past 5 years of my life MAKE HIM WORK!
hannie_1988 Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Silver, guys are stupid and weird. They only want attention from us as women to play around because they're bored and have nothing else to do. Don't bother with guys if they're jerks, they will end up making you feel miserable and complains as much as what they expected to hear from you or their mates. It's the same goes for good guys too, from the start they seem to be adorable, sweet and such.. till later on their character changed. It's better to forget all about them, spend time with your friends, go to church and all the things you enjoy in life. It will work a lot better than staying alone feeling so much torments. Since he doesn't return your call or wants to hear from you then move on. It obviously show that he has lost interests and don't think about him. Be happy for you are, there's nothing wrong with you, it's not you, IT's HIM.
Author SilverLining Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 (edited) ********** UPDATE ********** So he called me today. Turned out that he had gone to his brother's baptism on Sat and turned his phone off. His brother is becoming Catholic because he is getting married in a few weeks, so after the baptism they went back to his brother's apartment and celebrated. He stayed there overnight, then came back home at some point Sunday and did some work, and never turned his phone on because he wasn't expecting me to be back until Monday. He got a subbing job today, and afterward turned his phone on and saw that I had called him so he called me right away. He says that everything is completely fine and we are great, and the only thing he's worried about is when we can see each other next. I feel silly for getting so worked up about it. But I guess if you were to look through my archive of posts, you'd see that I was dealing with a guy for 6 years who dumped me without notice every few months. He would never tell me when something was wrong and I was never prepared for it. We would eventually get back together but it would always happen again. We were engaged and I was devastated when he ended it. Then he lead me on a few more months with his acting like we might still be able to make things work. I loved this person with all my heart and was convinced that I could somehow make it work if I could figure out how to be what he wanted...it was the wrong attitude. I realized even before I started dating again that it was a terrible situation and not something I wanted to be a part of anymore. But now when I am dating I worry that if there is a fight or if I do something to annoy my new boyfriend, he might break up with me without warning and it's enough to freak me out and make me keep my distance even though I'm trying to keep it to myself somewhat. I just talked to my boyfriend about this and he already had an idea and wants to be understanding about it. I feel a lot better to have shared it with him rather than try to deal with it on my own. I know that once I feel more comfortable that it is not the same thing as my previous experience I will stop overreacting and feel more confident. I did tell him that I would appreciate it if he would at least text me more often so that I knew he was still alive, and he agreed to that. I really appreciate all the ideas and everything that was said, and I am so glad that there is a forum like this to keep me from going too crazy. Thanks also for sharing your personal stories. Edited October 5, 2009 by SilverLining
moet70 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 How many days did you spend apart? In the first month of a relationship if someone didn't contact me eg just to say hi for several days...I too would get concearned that they just were not into me...they should at least want to just send an sms at the least once a day to say hi I too have experienced your same situation...and all my fears go up...I am trying to learn how to control my emotions...and realise not all people act the same way in relationships and some guys can go for days without contact and nothing has changed in their head..they just don't do daily contact...I have had to learn that this is ok..but it's hard.
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