katepas Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Hi everyone Im new here but am really reaching out for some advice at the moment! Here is a rundown of my position My boyfriend and I were together for 2 years. In that time he called me his soulmate, said we would be together g=forever, nothingn could tear us apart etc. We used to phone and text each other hundreds of times a day telling each other how in love we were, and he always messaged me as soon as he woke up to say I love you. He told all of my friends, his friends and my family how he couldnt wait to marry me. Anyway, to cut a long story short, my best friend had her hens night 4 weeks ago. He gave me an ultimatum beforehand, and said if I got durnk it would be over. Well, silly me got tipsy (mind you I never go out and I never drink!). After that, I went home while the rest of the girls stayed and partied through the night. The next day was fathers day and his father passed away about 3 years ago. We had planned to spend the afternoon together The next day, no message. I messaged him saying "hi" and then again in the afternoon when I had finished visiting my father and asked him what he was doing. He messaged back and he asked me if I got drunk. Even knowing he wouldnt be happy, I told him the truth and said yes. After that, he told me that I knew the consequences of my actions and that it was over. Since then he has said we will never be together again, but has still called me every day. I dont understand how a guy can go from telling you that you are soulmates and will be together for ever, and nothing could break you apart.... to this! I have told him how I feel and how much he means to me earlier on in the break up, but since then I figure he knows my position, so I have not initiated contact in any way since. But he still calls every single day! He says he values my friendship and hopes we can maintain a frienship. I have told him I cant go from lovers to friends. Every time I try and discuss the situation with him he gets extremely angry and says he could never get back with me. But I also know his last lover of 11 years he was constantly breaking up with..... so it is a pattern of his to do this behaviour. What the f*** do I do!!?? PS his status on facebook is still "in a relationship" and I have just found out that even though he says all his mates are disappointed with me, it apears that his closest ones dont even know that we're not together,,,,,
Exit Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Cut contact, he will realize that he's an idiot and try to get you back, but not if you go along being friends with him. BUT, you have to decide if this guy is worth being with. I won't lie, I'm the type of guy too who might get a little worried when I know my GF is going out to a party, but you can't let thoughts like that really bother you. He obviously has no trust in you, alcohol isn't the issue but rather what you do when you're drunk. He gave you a controlling ultimatum and you don't do that to someone you love. He could have sat down and asked you to take it easy at the party but to have a good time and call him the next day. The fact that you left while everyone else was still partying shows that you were willing to sacrifice for him. IF you keep giving him your attention, if you even begin to apologize as if you did something wrong, he will take you back, knowing that he has full control over you. Don't give that to him. My other thought is that he was just looking for a way out of the relationship and he came up with this stupid test so he could blame it on you. Either way, your best bet is to be strong and cut contact.
Beeotch Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Was there a reason he gave you that ultimatum? It seems very silly to me that he would end a seemingly good relationship because of something so silly, but then again I do not know the full story. You are a grown woman (I assume) therefore nobody should give you such an ultimatum. It is fine to ask your partner not to do something and give a reason as to why but to demand they not drink or else the relationship is over etc is childish IMO. How old are you guys? I would agree with the person who said, give him his wish and see what happens. If he wants it to be over bc of that, then act like it is over. Don't contact him. Maybe then he will stop being foolish...and then perhaps you guys can actually discuss things like mature adults and not make silly ultimatums.
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 HIs "mates" are disappointed in you? All because you drank? Are they in a cult or something, or don't believe in drinking? Did he or someone he knows have a drinking problem? Just wondering why he was so adamant about you not drinking..
hoping2heal Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Well, gosh I guess I need more feedback from you to even know what to say. I don't know wether I do or don't agree with someone giving their partner an ultimatem so strongly, but he may have good reason for that, you really didn't explain WHY he asked you not to do that, just that he asked. What I really am scratching my head over though, is why..WHY you went ahead and did it ANYWAY? Knowing how very serious this was to him. It sounds a little controlling of him at first glance, but he may have justified reasons like safety, etc. for asking you to not do that, and the very fact that you did it anyway points to a lot of shakey ground that you had in your relationship. Despite texting eachother 100's of times a day, there was something very weak about the foundation of the two of you's relationship, that you would go ahead and willfully do something that your partner took so seriously. I'm telling you I really don't understand why you did it, I just don't.. A few months back I was going to california, los angeles with a female cousin of mine. It was just going to be us 2 ladies in the big city, by ourselves and he asked me not to drink during the time I'm there for this reason; 2 girls in a huge city like that, who have never been there before and have no male protection. You said you don't even drink, well I don't drink often myself either, but he never once put it out there as "if you drink we're done" he just asked me not to do it, and I realised he was right to bring it up for safety reasons, but secondly it's not SO important that I drink to begin with that I need to hurt him; and he would be hurt knowing I put myself in danger, didn't take him seriously, made him worry etc. I still never drank..and I wasn't even told something as severe as you were..I mean you need to help us out here, because the picture just isn't making sense.
D-Lish Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Your bf sounds like he has some major control issues. He must be extremely insecure if he has to use fear and punishment as a method of controlling you. If this is the way he is going to react everytime he doesn't wish you to do something, I'd be calling it quits. I'd totally call his bluff and tell him you agree with his decision to break up and discontinue contact with him. He's punishing you for your behaviour, trying to make you feel guilty for doing something you had every right to want to do. Geez, you even came home early out of guilt. This isn't a healthy relationship ~ run!
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