machimoo Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Hi! I'm new to this forum and am not sure exactly where to put this thread, but I was wondering if anyone has any advice in dealing with a passive aggressive partner? I started reading a thread 'silent breakup' yesterday and someone mentioned passive aggression, so I looked it up and it was like being hit by a truck! Talk about lightbulb moment!!! The descriptions match my partner's behaviour TO A TEE!!! So I have started to read up on passive aggression but am having problems finding any information about how to live with someone who has these tendancies. I have put this in this section because after 4 years of being together and 2 years of living together, he has started distancing himself to the point where he barely talks to me anymore! He is going through a hard time in himself and finds it really hard to communicate and express himself, but it's just so difficult for me! He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he's just so distant!!!
hoping2heal Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Yes, the behavior needs to be confronted. Also, the success of this relationship (if there is any available) will be relient on both partners actions. You need to be direct and assertive with him, he needs to know that this behavior is not tolerated and acceptable and you need to be prepared to walk if he has no interest in trying for anything more. Of course you can stay if you want- but it will still be the same relationship that is bringing you misery instead of joy. We all go through tough things in life, we all have bad days and trying times, it is not an excuse to shut your partner out, and he needs to be made aware of that. It's time you put your foot down pronto and get to work on re orienting his passive aggressive behavior.
JaggedRoad Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Be there for him and try to engage him with some activities. Have board game nights or ask him to write poems. I was (still am) going through a hard time this past year myself and communication stagnated. Trust him when he says that he loves you. Sometimes people just need space.
You'reasian Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 I have put this in this section because after 4 years of being together and 2 years of living together, he has started distancing himself to the point where he barely talks to me anymore! He is going through a hard time in himself and finds it really hard to communicate and express himself, but it's just so difficult for me! He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he's just so distant!!! This doesn't sound like passive-aggressive behavior.
Author machimoo Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 Ohhhhh nooo, I just typed a long reply and managed to delete it! You'reasian, I'm sorry, you're right what I described wasn't passive aggressive behaviour. My boyfriend's behaviour definitely fits the descriptions I have read, he always tells you what you want to hear even if he doesn't mean it, he always forgets things, it's never his fault, he doesn't get angry because he doesn't know how to, he avoids taking reesponsibility and lots more. I guess what I'm asking is there anyone who has experience with partners who are like this and what did you do? Can we work with this? Should he see a professional....I don't know if he'd be willing to - although he did come with me to a couples counsellor in the beginning of the year for a couple sessions and then we couldn't afford it anymore. The distancing thing is another issue that has come up recently, and it's this that is just hurting me so much. He gives me such mixed messages, saying one day that he loves me and wants to work things out then the next day that we're too different and he doesn't think we can. It's confusing for me and it just breaks my heart! I did ask him what was up a couple of weeks ago and he let me in close enough to tell me that he doesn't know, but he wants to work it out and he would like my patience. So JaggedRoad, I have been doing my best to support him and be patient with him....it just hurts so much when someone you love treats you like you're not even there anymore a lot of the time.
JaggedRoad Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 He sounds a lot like me. Definitely have him find a therapist.
wondering_girl Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 hey machimoo - i'm sorry we're all going through this the whole "silent treatment thing" i'm glad that my thread helped a little ...... it is AWFUL that you have to live with him too? how do you manage to cope with that? i don't live with mine (well that is if we're even together) i don't even know that because all he gives me is silence and he's short and kinda' rude when he speaks with me and like you said treats me like a stranger...... that is just horrible.. like you said he treats me like i'm not there.. how do you guys like communicate at home when it's time for dinner and all that stuff? anyway, mine re-appeared, i have a new post.... *hugs babe, i wish i have better advice but yesterday when i saw him he looks stupid to me...... he tries so hard to act like that and i'm going to let him act stupid by himself..... i still love him but the more he tries to distance myself i think they DON'T realize that they can loose us..... you know? that's CRAP. i hate me for feeling this way
justdana Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Machimoo, I have LOADS of experience with a passive-aggressive man. Without fail, it will bring out the worst side of YOU as you find yourself unwittingly being pulled into the role of therapist. And it's not because he asked you to. It's because you took it upon yourself. If you're going to have any success with this one, you're going to have to learn to do without a lot of things that fall under the heading of "Basic Respect and Common Courtesy." Continue to expect him to say what he means or mean what he says, continue to expect him to actually communicate to you when he doesn't want or like something, and you may as well prepare yourself for heartache at every turn. It sounds defeatist, but it's the truth. Your passive-aggressive's entire existence has been shaped by a deep and abiding fear of confrontation. He simply cannot find it within himself to tell you that he doesn't like or want to do something because he doesn't want to hear you tell him how disappointed you are in him for disagreeing. It rattles him to the very core. So, he's learned to circumvent this response by saying, "Sure, Machimoo... I'll be there promptly at 7 to pick you up." Then, when 7 becomes 8 (and then 9 and so on) and you're upset with him for the oversight, he acts so wounded. After all, Machimoo... he just "forgot." Or he lost track of time. Or he had something else come up at the last minute but couldn't be bothered to call and tell you about this. Sound familiar? Of course it does. Truthfully, as JaggedRoad said, I don't think there's a lack of love that's the issue. I believe, in his own way, my P-A guy loves me very much. But it always comes down to a point at which YOU must be unflinchingly honest with yourself about what you can live with, as well as what you can live without. Take some time and space for yourself. Chances are, he'll miss you and come around. When he does, QUIETLY and CALMLY (but FIRMLY) explain to him how his behavior hurts you, tell him that you expect honesty from him, and that until he can give you that, you can't set yourself up for more hurt and disappointment. He'll be on his toes for a while, but he'll find his way back to his comfort zone eventually. When it happens, don't respond to his not showing up or calling on time. Just leave. Don't be there when he DOES show up. And when he calls you to freak out and say, "Where the heck did you go, Machimoo! I came to pick you up but -- OH NOES! -- you left!!!" you can nonchalantly tell him that the agreed upon time came and went without so much as a word from him, and you figured you'd find something better to do. This will show him that you mean what you say, and it will also demonstrate to him that even if HE can't respect your time and feelings, you DO. I hate how I can dole this advice out better than I can follow it, though. I'm quite good at this myself for a few weeks or even months, but eventually, I lose it, and he's gone. When I find fulfillment on my own, he comes crawling back, without fail. My mistake has been in letting go of my outside activities when he comes back and focusing on him once again. When these disappointments come back (and they always do), they're crushing to me. I freak out, he leaves, and the cycle begins anew. *sigh* Good luck, Machimoo.
Author machimoo Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 Thank you very much for all your support everyone, it really helps to hear from other people who have experienced similar things. Justdana....wow, I cannot even express how your message made me feel! All these emotions that I've had for the past 4 years, all the little things that didn't sit right with me, the times I felt totally invalidated and unheard, and been made to think I was totally overreacting! And you managed to totally validate all of those feelings in 4 paragraphs simply by showing me that I'm not alone! 2 forgotten birthdays, 2 forgotten anniversaries, countless other times when I've been "forgotten" - yeah, really starts to wear on you and make you feel like crap! Then there are the times they actually let you in and break down their walls for enough time for you to feel like things have changed. Are you are still with your PA man? Have you talked to him about being PA or has he agreed to see a therapist or counsellor about it? I literally only just made the link between PA and my boyfriend's behaviour and it's still just sinking in with me. I printed out a whole bunch of information that I have yet to read, but I'm really glad to have found this site as I think it helps more to be able to interact with people who are actually going through similar situations! The fact that I live with my partner does make the whole situation difficult and very painful at times. We're both doing our own thing on the weekends, and in terms of everyday stuff...well, we're still civil. It's not like we're screaming and shouting at each other, we still really care about each other. He still tells me he loves me every night, he still kisses me goodnight and goodbye, and he does talk to me (only surface stuff though). It's just that the intimacy and affection seem to be gone and I feel that because he's going through a hard time he doesn't know how to deal with it and is taking it out on me. At the moment I'm just trying to focus on myself and spending time with my friends, which is the most positive, healthy thing I can do! Thank you again for all your replies, I'm really glad that you made contact!
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