Patrice Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 My marriage - I thought was ended after 26 years when I walked out after no longer being able to deal with his mental health issues. We are now legally separated and I have moved to my own place. He has called me, most every day and saying that he is in therapy and this was a huge wake up call ... I was out of town on business for a week - he texted and called me repeatedly. Frankly, I'm in the process of deciding whether or not his anxiety disorder can be fixed or not. I got back last night and he has called me 4 times - what does this say? I'm thinking his anxiety problem is not fixed as he can't seem to control nor respect the boundaries I need. To complicate - I now have other men hitting on me which I'm keeping at bay knowing that I need the time and space to deal with what has happened and what I choose to do. Then, there is the loneliness the lack of male companionship to deal with .... need some advice
Exit Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 (edited) He kinda reminds me of myself. I suffered from social anxiety and never took my GF anywhere, we'd just hang out at home. After she broke up with me and told me what was making her unhappy (in that order, of course), I forced myself to start going out with people, going out to eat, going to movies, etc. And I kept pursuing my ex, I'd get home from an event with friends and write her an email saying "I just went out and did such-n-such, can't you see that I'm finally improving my anxiety?". But as you hinted at, the fact that I couldn't leave her alone, kept pursuing and chasing her, only showed that I really WASN'T all that in control, still suffered from depression and anxiety and wanted her back in my life to make me feel better. I'm not trying to turn this into a discussion about my relationship. The point being, he may very well be overcoming some of his issues, and in his excitement, he is trying so hard to convince you and to get you to come see that he has changed. But yes, by bothering you on a daily basis, he isn't showing any self control. It's a delicate balancing act though, maybe he really is changing and he doesn't see the point in leaving you alone and letting you go, then maybe you'll never come back. When I was in his shoes, my attitude was "it's my job to convince her. I can completely understand why she doesn't believe that I've made these unbelievable changes, so I will keep trying to get her to believe it". So I drew the comparison between myself and your ex. In a way, you remind me of my ex too. Sitting there asking yourself "I'm deciding whether or not his anxiety disorder can ever be fixed". How can you decide that on your own? I hope my ex didn't sit there and think those things about me. Whether or not we can change is not a decision that can be made, especially not by you. Changing is up to him. The only decision you need to make is whether or not you are going to spend time with him and try to see the PROOF that he has changed. Either give him a chance and see if he is telling the truth about making improvements, or move on and really insist that he stop contacting you. Some guys will lie about their ability to change, but every once in a while, we are telling the truth. Take me for example. I really did change. I've gone out and done things the past few months more than I have in the past 10 years combined. I've worked on my anger, attitude, and many other things. But my ex, in her fear of getting hurt again, refused to even see me for ONE day, refused to let me prove any of it to her, and now she is gone. She didn't believe me and frankly I think she lost out on something good. Edited October 4, 2009 by Exit
Author Patrice Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 I'm thinking wait a bit ... I'm not going to do anything stupid in the meantime .. let him prove that he's really changed ... I'm free and independent - he gets it on some level, yet can't seem to control himself.
Author Patrice Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 And I will see him ... but, not every day - cause I need to heal too.
JaggedRoad Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 You seem to be a little hard on him. I'm sure his world crashed down on him when you left, so cut him some slack. You two were together 26 years; that's no small number. At least he is putting effort into getting you back.
Author Patrice Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 Well, he got pretty emotionally abusive to hide his own diagnosed problem .. hence, my walking out.
Author Patrice Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 So, how long a time frame? Or should I just get out period ... it was only through my leaving that he sought therapy.
JaggedRoad Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 (edited) You should definitely take a break and give yourself some freedom because you honesty deserve it, but just give him a chance if he's willing to improve himself. Just don't step into something that you can never step back from. And yes, I'm aware of the fact that he's only seeking therapy now because of what happened, but who's to say that he wouldn't have down the line due to something else? Sometimes people only become willingly aware of (and willing to fix) their flaws when they are faced with a crisis. Edited October 4, 2009 by JaggedRoad
Author Patrice Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 Well, we'll see what he can do ..
Phedre Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 I've meet more than one person who described themselves as 'situationaly motivated' as opposed to self motivated... usually needing something more drastic like a breakup, getting fired, utilities cut off, to make them finally own up to and fix a problem they have always known they had - but it took the major event to make them see it clearly enough that they couldn't fool themselves anymore. Not saying this does or does not apply to your husband, just tossing in some more food for thought. IMO, you should kee taking the break you are, but still conduct yourself as a married woman - tell those flirty men thanks but no thanks. Sure feel good about yourself that you still 'got it', but also feel good about yourself that you don't have to break your marriage vows to feel good about yourself. See a therapist yourself or with your husband and set up some time frame during which you two will be apart, and another during which your husband will get the chance to spend time with you and SHOW you how he has changed. Then once you reach that time limit, re-eval the situation and take it from there. Best of luck
Author Patrice Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 Thanks for the great advice. So much has happened that it difficult for me to process right now ... I do know his continual pressure is wearing thin - that he still can't respect my boundaries of my own need to make some decisions. I've been out of the house for six months and moved in with my parents, to an apartment, back to my parents and now have signed a lease for a year - and moved in 3 weeks ago. So, I think I'll take a breath or two and decide how to best get myself to the point of making the decision. I do have the year of legal separation and time to seek therapy if I continue to be indecisive - I think that may be something I'll have to do for myself.
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