contax Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 I was at a party last night. Really upscale, art type, good people. I met a girl and she was nice. Then I met her boyfriend. I was attracted and wanted to get to know her. I saw her with her boyfriend. Later I started talking to her boyfriend. I had respect for him and his relationship! Later when I talked to her - a limit came over me - not that I was flirting before, but I would never try to flirt with her or anything. I really respect what they have! I wouldn't go near it! Now...my ex left me for another guy. This guy was fully aware we were in a 5 year relationship together. It's her doing for going with him. The thing is - him on the sidelines - he had no respect for our union. She probably would have ended up doing the same thing...so she lacks integirty...but this is great! Because I'm not with or about those people! I know what love is, the tenderness, the respect. What they have is built on a weak foundation. I keep gaining more and more self respect. I am very proud of who I am am and how I handled relationships!!!!
Phedre Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 I have always wondered about that too when relationships end due to OW/OM - did the OW/OM know about the relationship the person was already in? If so, then how could they ever step in like that? Out of respect for themselves, for the person they are interested in, and out of respect for marraiges/unions in general. One day the OW/OM will be the person in the committed relationship.. wonder if they would want people like you and me who have respect for relationships to be around, or people like themselves who did not respect relationships or they wouldn't have knowingly been involved with someone cheating hanging around their SO? Kudos to you for being a moral, ethical person. Glad to know there are some still out there
Author contax Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 I have always wondered about that too when relationships end due to OW/OM - did the OW/OM know about the relationship the person was already in? If so, then how could they ever step in like that? Out of respect for themselves, for the person they are interested in, and out of respect for marraiges/unions in general. One day the OW/OM will be the person in the committed relationship.. wonder if they would want people like you and me who have respect for relationships to be around, or people like themselves who did not respect relationships or they wouldn't have knowingly been involved with someone cheating hanging around their SO? Kudos to you for being a moral, ethical person. Glad to know there are some still out there I know. I actually told the guy she's with now "I was single for a year before we got together. She left me and rebounded with you. Now you know something I never knew...she can leave you easily for someone else. Good luck buddy!" At the end of the day, I'm happy they're out of my life. Thanks for seeing I try to live a principle centered life. I'm in my late twenties, have never cheated on a girl in my life, never left one girl for another and I'm proud for it!
Lishy Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 well contax, I am glad you have confirmed that there are guys like you out there! I simply cant trust anyone!
Author contax Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 well contax, I am glad you have confirmed that there are guys like you out there! I simply cant trust anyone! Thanks so much for the kind words! I too had trust issues when in my relationship. I read up on it, and learned just to have faith in the other person and trust. Then my fears came true lol! I know it can be challenging. Trust in relationships is all important. It's like a bank acct. The things/actions we do add to it...so if your partner has done things that showed his trust... you would be good....but when the trust keeps getting undermined, the trust starts to wear thin.
Phedre Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 For me I am trying to take away from my failed marriage not to distrust people, men specifically.. but to be more aware and recognize when there is a behavior occuring that I am uncomfortable with and saying something then and handle the issue; be it by compromise or ending the relationship. I am very guilty of justifying things for my ex or I let myself be convienced that it 'wasn't a big deal.' And really all I was doing was looking the other way. I am trying to learn to trust myself more and stand up for myself instead of shying away from conflict because I don't want to 'be a b*tch or stubborn.' While not wanting to be those things is good, in my case I took it to the other extreme. Luckily I have learned a whole heck of a lot about myself and relationships in general from my marriage and feel much more confident about not only my partner selection, but also my ability to directly face issues and being able compromise without being a doormat. Another thing I wonder when it comes to this topic is how excepting society is of it. Not at all saying we should, but just imagine for a moment if people had to go the whole scarlette letter A route is they were found to be cheating. What if society as a whole was unexcepting of that act and shunned people who were guilty of it? As it is now, cheating is so common place people seem to hardly even be shocked by it. Perhaps individuals would behave more morally, despite their own broken compass, if they had consequences to face beyond the BS and their A partner.
splintered thing Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 I have always wondered about that too when relationships end due to OW/OM - did the OW/OM know about the relationship the person was already in? If so, then how could they ever step in like that? Even here on LS, any time anyone mentions that an attractive and not obviously psychotic guy is single...there's a chorus of responses that he must be gay, he's incapable of committing, or any of twenty other reasons that he should be dropped like a hot potato. It's the logical conclusion of the maxim, "all the good ones are taken," and I've known several women who believed that wholeheartedly and would only consider a relationship with a man who was currently involved with someone else. I've never heard a similar statement from any men I've known, but I wouldn't assume the male gender is free of that mindset either. Add to that the whole "forbidden fruit" attraction and that more than a few people find someone they initially perceive as unavailable as less threatening, and you have some strong reasons, conscious and unconscious, why a lot of people end up getting together with someone who's already involved and breaking up the other relationship.
Trialbyfire Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 At the end of the day, no matter what, you'll always have you contax. Live life by your code, since you'll have to live with yourself for the rest of your life. Stay strong and good job!
Broseph Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 I mentioned something similar in my most recent post. I just physically cant understand how you would want to pursue someone who is currently with someone else. It reminds me of a girl I used to and guess still am friends with. Anyways, she was with one of my good mates forever and eventually they broke up she was single. At this time I was maybe 2 and a half years in my last relationship and she basically attacked me one night after the bar. I mean I have to admit there was alot of attraction their but to me love is better than sex. I locked my room that night to keep her out and I used to remember her always telling me that she hated cheaters ... and i thought of this for a long time after is she being a hypocrite. What would she of thought if I just scrapped my three year relationship, and probably not to mention one of my best friends. I say she would felt like **** and no relationship should ever start like that. Will the guy my new ex left for have the same crap going through my head. Wouldnt any ethical person not only A) feel guilt and B) lose respect for the person who left? I like how phedre said of 'how excepting society is of it'? Furthermore, why shouldn't dishonesty be frowned upon more. Is it so much to ask or do people who do cheat and lie push their emotions all the way to the back of their memories? Is what they are doing justified completely in their own mind because life is all perception. I see things from my point of view so they see it from theirs and then come up with BS reasons why it didnt work.
GrayClouds Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Integrity is difficult, that is why many don't bother.
logitech Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 I have never cheated in a relationship but I did come close early on. It is something that ate at me forever. It was something that would just pop up randomly in my head at times and I never had the guts to discuss it. In the end I wish I had of just discussed it. I honestly believe it is something that affected my actions throughout our relationship. So with that being said, people that are capable of cheating on someone and continuing their relationship are beyond my comprehension...
Author contax Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 For me I am trying to take away from my failed marriage not to distrust people, men specifically.. but to be more aware and recognize when there is a behavior occuring that I am uncomfortable with and saying something then and handle the issue; be it by compromise or ending the relationship. I am very guilty of justifying things for my ex or I let myself be convienced that it 'wasn't a big deal.' And really all I was doing was looking the other way. I am trying to learn to trust myself more and stand up for myself instead of shying away from conflict because I don't want to 'be a b*tch or stubborn.' While not wanting to be those things is good, in my case I took it to the other extreme. Luckily I have learned a whole heck of a lot about myself and relationships in general from my marriage and feel much more confident about not only my partner selection, but also my ability to directly face issues and being able compromise without being a doormat. Another thing I wonder when it comes to this topic is how excepting society is of it. Not at all saying we should, but just imagine for a moment if people had to go the whole scarlette letter A route is they were found to be cheating. What if society as a whole was unexcepting of that act and shunned people who were guilty of it? As it is now, cheating is so common place people seem to hardly even be shocked by it. Perhaps individuals would behave more morally, despite their own broken compass, if they had consequences to face beyond the BS and their A partner. I applaud you trying to keep trusting after your situation. Wether society accepts cheating or not doesn't matter. When you cheat, or betray someone you are breaking a natural law that's inherent in all of us. What follows is calamity. Some people think they can get away with cheating. Sometimes it looks like they're having all the fun or succeeding or what have you. In the long term is always catches up with them. Like this woman I know who broke her 16 year old marriage/family to cheat and get with a man.....that relationship lasted less than 5 years, she recently attempted suicide.
Author contax Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 Even here on LS, any time anyone mentions that an attractive and not obviously psychotic guy is single...there's a chorus of responses that he must be gay, he's incapable of committing, or any of twenty other reasons that he should be dropped like a hot potato. It's the logical conclusion of the maxim, "all the good ones are taken," and I've known several women who believed that wholeheartedly and would only consider a relationship with a man who was currently involved with someone else. I've never heard a similar statement from any men I've known, but I wouldn't assume the male gender is free of that mindset either. Add to that the whole "forbidden fruit" attraction and that more than a few people find someone they initially perceive as unavailable as less threatening, and you have some strong reasons, conscious and unconscious, why a lot of people end up getting together with someone who's already involved and breaking up the other relationship. That's interesting what you said. Also Sisters of Mercy is a classic band!
Author contax Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 At the end of the day, no matter what, you'll always have you contax. Live life by your code, since you'll have to live with yourself for the rest of your life. Stay strong and good job! Thank you! I appreciate the kind words! I like that - "Live life by your code, since you'll have to live with yourself for the rest of your life." I think you just made up one of my favorite quotes!
Author contax Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 I mentioned something similar in my most recent post. I just physically cant understand how you would want to pursue someone who is currently with someone else. It reminds me of a girl I used to and guess still am friends with. Anyways, she was with one of my good mates forever and eventually they broke up she was single. At this time I was maybe 2 and a half years in my last relationship and she basically attacked me one night after the bar. I mean I have to admit there was alot of attraction their but to me love is better than sex. I locked my room that night to keep her out and I used to remember her always telling me that she hated cheaters ... and i thought of this for a long time after is she being a hypocrite. What would she of thought if I just scrapped my three year relationship, and probably not to mention one of my best friends. I say she would felt like **** and no relationship should ever start like that. Will the guy my new ex left for have the same crap going through my head. Wouldnt any ethical person not only A) feel guilt and B) lose respect for the person who left? I like how phedre said of 'how excepting society is of it'? Furthermore, why shouldn't dishonesty be frowned upon more. Is it so much to ask or do people who do cheat and lie push their emotions all the way to the back of their memories? Is what they are doing justified completely in their own mind because life is all perception. I see things from my point of view so they see it from theirs and then come up with BS reasons why it didnt work. Crazy story. I agree that society should frown upon it more. Again if a society accepts infidelity it will just sicken and die. It doesn't last. History shows this. It's not like it hasn't happened bfore, there were much bloodier times than these. I don't hate cheaters, or think of them. I just don't deal with them at all as I can't see myself getting to a win/win with them. I show my love to my family, friends and cat!
Author contax Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 Integrity is difficult, that is why many don't bother. I can see what you're saying. I can see how integrity can be challenging if people are weak physically and succomb to their urges and passions. If your a good person it's not that hard. Feels great to! No one can take it away from you but yourself.
Author contax Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 I have never cheated in a relationship but I did come close early on. It is something that ate at me forever. It was something that would just pop up randomly in my head at times and I never had the guts to discuss it. In the end I wish I had of just discussed it. I honestly believe it is something that affected my actions throughout our relationship. So with that being said, people that are capable of cheating on someone and continuing their relationship are beyond my comprehension... I agree. Relationships that have purity of mind are a special kind of love. This raunchy, thrashy **** is garbage. Love can be sustained and exciting over time.
splintered thing Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I have never cheated in a relationship but I did come close early on. It is something that ate at me forever. It was something that would just pop up randomly in my head at times and I never had the guts to discuss it. In the end I wish I had of just discussed it. I honestly believe it is something that affected my actions throughout our relationship. So with that being said, people that are capable of cheating on someone and continuing their relationship are beyond my comprehension... Sometimes things just happen...and sometimes cheating is what makes you realize what you have and are risking or pushes you to really face the problems you have in your relationship and work them out. I don't think it has to be the end and I don't think things have to be worse afterwards. But you probably have to be willing to take the risk of being honest with your partner about it (and maybe the rest of the things that you might have been keeping hidden...not just secrets, but your real feelings and desires that you'd been letting get pushed under the rug until it got to the point of cheating). I've never been the one to cheat on a partner and I've never been lucky enough to have a partner who did see it as a turning point for working things out, but I do think it *can* work that way and a relationship could wind up benefiting from it.
Phedre Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Sometimes things just happen...and sometimes cheating is what makes you realize what you have and are risking or pushes you to really face the problems you have in your relationship and work them out. I don't think it has to be the end and I don't think things have to be worse afterwards. But you probably have to be willing to take the risk of being honest with your partner about it (and maybe the rest of the things that you might have been keeping hidden...not just secrets, but your real feelings and desires that you'd been letting get pushed under the rug until it got to the point of cheating). I've never been the one to cheat on a partner and I've never been lucky enough to have a partner who did see it as a turning point for working things out, but I do think it *can* work that way and a relationship could wind up benefiting from it. I can totally see how in the end a relationship can benefit from cheating. But I think it is essential the spouse that cheated understand just how wrong their actions were and take every step necesseary to earn back the trust they violated. Sometimes it really is the turning point people for people to really value what they have in their marriage/relationship... but that being said, still don't understand how they could do it to begin with - but very glad that some people who cheat are willing to step up, admit their wrongs, and honestly work towards a change/not repeating the bahvior. I also find myself much for forgiving of first time or 'random' occurence cheaters versus serial cheaters - I'm happy to hear your relationship made it out of a horrible incident better for it Splintered
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