cecil brown Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 These last several days have been hard....I cant quit worrying about the ex and her daughter. She's 25 and has never really been on her own. She left me because she couldnt deal with the stress of our relationship and she was tired of being dependant on someone else. She wants to get her school and career in order so she can start being more responsible for herself and her daughter and become independant. She's also had major substance abuse problems in her past, and that just adds to my worry. After another sleepless night i finally broke down and sent her a text this morning, after 4 days of NC. All I said was "damn it, I cant stop worrying about you. Please take care of yourself and please be safe". I got no response of course, but the worry was eating me up and i had to get it off my chest. However the worry still lingers.... Any tips on how to stop worrying about someone you care about? Link to post Share on other sites
Phedre Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 I do the same thing.. or rather did the samething.. somewhere in between doing and did. When my stbx and I first split I was obsessed with thoughts of is 'he going to be okay.' I would worry about him remembering to do things, eating decently, having food in the pantry- all things that someone of the age of 16 can do for themselves and I am obsessing about a grown man being capable. He too has substance abuse problems, and I would worry so much about him just drinking himself in to a coma or driving home drunk and wrecking. But, it is like beating your head against a wall - we no longer have any sort of control or influence in their lives. I can't buy groceries for my stbx or help him to bed after he passes out in the bathroom. You can't make sure her daughter is asleep by a decent time or that your ex hasn't started using again. Not because we aren't willing to, but literally we can't. They left us. They chose something else over us, be it freedom or another person or themselves. It is no longer our job or duty or obligation to worry about them. It doesn't accomlish anything... it in no way helps their lives and it hurts our lives. It isn't a switch you can just flip off when you have spent time caring for someone. But you have to try to remind yourself that isn't your role anymore. She is a grown up and can take of herself, even if it isn't to the standards you would chose for her. ... that is what I tell myself about the stbx anyway good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author cecil brown Posted October 4, 2009 Author Share Posted October 4, 2009 Thank you Phedre for your perspective....i guess it's just going to take time Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 I guess you have to remember that you are not a rescuer. You can't save anyone. Especially if they choose to not have your influence in their life. It is a difficult process to let go. I suppose just worry about yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
Jmina Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 well to be honest. It's not your role or business to worry about her now... if she broke up with you she knows she can do it without you. Life never deals anything you can't handle so don't stress. she doesn't want you to worry about her, it sounds like she's trying to change her label from 'weak, victim, dependent' to the opposite, and if anything, well believe in her. she'll be fine. shes on her path now and your on yours. worrying about your ex and wanting to help them is another way of holding on. i was there too its not your job, free yourself. your also sad, hurt, angry, etc focus on those feelings and letting them come out rather than trying to aid her. Make it about you. keep posting, Jmina Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 For me, this was the hardest part. Again, AT FIRST. I'm sorry you have to worry about her daughter, too. That must make it harder. She is completely innocent in this situation. Sadly, you have no access to helping her now. Awful as this is, that little girl is now your ex's, her family's, friends', contacts', (her neighbours', even) responsibility. Your involvement could, possibly, make her life tougher, rather than easier (as your ex does not want it). As for your ex? I guess you haven't reached 'anger', yet? Although I sometimes still pity my ex, I'm also justifiably angry about his deception. Once the distance, that NC allows us to have, sets in, it's spooky how we can start to view our exes. I guess this depends on the reasons for / their treatment of us during the break-up but, think about some of your exes previous to this one. You know you view them differently now to how you used to, don't you?! She is not your responsibility and you should not wish to save her from herself. Only she can do that. But you can begin to think about how welcomed your love, care and support will be by the woman you choose to give it to next. You will choose so much more carefully next time, and you will do all you can to make sure the lady, who is waiting for you to walk into her life, will deserve it and not throw it back in your face. Think about all the good you can do in the future, for those who really want you involved in their lives. Whilst you are looking for the next special person, you could consider helping out a charity for abused kids, or addicts, etc. I'm sure you will be welcomed with open arms. Remember, too, to turn that love inwards. You are the one that needs the special care, at this time. Give it to yourself and you'll create so much more you can share with others. You are a kind, loving, sweet person. Remember to tell yourself this. x Link to post Share on other sites
rp123 Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 well to be honest. It's not your role or business to worry about her now... if she broke up with you she knows she can do it without you. Life never deals anything you can't handle so don't stress. she doesn't want you to worry about her, it sounds like she's trying to change her label from 'weak, victim, dependent' to the opposite, and if anything, well believe in her. she'll be fine. shes on her path now and your on yours. worrying about your ex and wanting to help them is another way of holding on. i was there too its not your job, free yourself. your also sad, hurt, angry, etc focus on those feelings and letting them come out rather than trying to aid her. Make it about you. keep posting, Jmina Now these are words of wisdom...... Certainly made me think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cecil brown Posted October 5, 2009 Author Share Posted October 5, 2009 Thanks everyone for the advice. I got a response from her, and she said they are doing good, no worries. I just need to let it be, no matter how much it worries me. I also badly want to reconcile, but it would be selfish of me to bother her and stop her from seeking her goals. Since we broke up almost three weeks ago, she has yet to initiate contact. I dont understand it, but that right there should speak volumes I'm going to miss them, but life goes on....Hopefully I can gather the strength to become a stronger person and not stay stuck in this rut. Link to post Share on other sites
Phedre Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 Since we broke up almost three weeks ago, she has yet to initiate contact. I dont understand it, but that right there should speak volumes I'm not trying to add salt to your would Cecil, just trying to give you some perspective: it isn't that it should speak volumes, it does speak volumes. It would be wrong to yourself, not her, to keep contacting her. You do NOT DESERVE to be treated the way she has treated you. Please don't beat yourself up or make excuses for her. I swear from personal experience it will get better. NC really REALLY helps SO much, even though it doesn't feel like it at the time. Hang in there, we are here for you Link to post Share on other sites
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