LoveFantasy Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Has any WS felt the remorse and the guilt of an affair but at the same time knew they were not in love with their BS? Or because of the guilt and remorse of the affair, the WS thought that they were in love with their BS yet later figured out that it was just guilt leading them to think they loved their BS?
inhindsight Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Guilt/Remorse is a result of knowing you are doing something wrong, regardless of whether or not you love your BS.
Author LoveFantasy Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 Guilt/Remorse is a result of knowing you are doing something wrong, regardless of whether or not you love your BS. Yes I totally agree with you on that but it seems you never see posts from WSs who say they are remorseful yet at the same time realize that they do not love their BS.
LakesideDream Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Consider that WS's are not "guilty" or "remorseful" because they have had the time between attraction and action to rationalize their behavior. Most if not all WS's have already made up, thought out, rehearsed their reasons for doing what they do. Entering an emotional or physical affair is a premeditated act.
MistyK Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Has any WS felt the remorse and the guilt of an affair but at the same time knew they were not in love with their BS? Or because of the guilt and remorse of the affair, the WS thought that they were in love with their BS yet later figured out that it was just guilt leading them to think they loved their BS? Sure, I felt awful and still struggle to integrate the fact that I cheated on my xH. But I knew for a long time that I wasn't in love with him anymore, the A forced that reality to the surface and so I intiated a divorce so we could both move on. I remember once, during the A, looking at him laying in bed and I thought, this feels right, I could stay with him. I smiled and thought loving thoughts of him. It was a momentary illusion that passed quickly. Not 2 minutes later he said something really rude to me. And *pop*, that bubble burst.
eyeswide Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Has any WS felt the remorse and the guilt of an affair but at the same time knew they were not in love with their BS? Or because of the guilt and remorse of the affair, the WS thought that they were in love with their BS yet later figured out that it was just guilt leading them to think they loved their BS? Actually, I would say that because of my guilt I couldn't see through to my love for my H. The guilt obscured it and made it more and more appealing for me to find everything wrong with him. I think my mind was looking for ways to justify my unjustifiable behavior. Once I really truly made a choice to stay with my husband and give up feeling ambivalent about all of my choices, my love for him came bursting through like Niagara freakin' Falls. So in answer to your question, whether A or B? I'd say C.
inhindsight Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Actually, I would say that because of my guilt I couldn't see through to my love for my H. The guilt obscured it and made it more and more appealing for me to find everything wrong with him. I think my mind was looking for ways to justify my unjustifiable behavior. Once I really truly made a choice to stay with my husband and give up feeling ambivalent about all of my choices, my love for him came bursting through like Niagara freakin' Falls. So in answer to your question, whether A or B? I'd say C. Hear hear. I am with you on answer "C". Which is why I never answered the original questions because neither applied in my situation.
bullhunter Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Has any WS felt the remorse and the guilt of an affair but at the same time knew they were not in love with their BS? Or because of the guilt and remorse of the affair, the WS thought that they were in love with their BS yet later figured out that it was just guilt leading them to think they loved their BS? I felt deep remorse and guilt because of the depth of love I had and have for my wife. If I didn't love her I would still have felt some measure of guilt, but would not have felt remorse. I would have felt justified.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I felt deep remorse and guilt because of the depth of love I had and have for my wife. Oh, I guess I can concede that you might have had "some" love for your wife. but if you cheated on her, the depth was very shallow. And if you love her like you say, then love should have kept your butt home.
El Ben Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Hmm. Mine was a loveless marriage. Well, loveless from my side. I liked her, she was a close friend, and then she got pregnant. I got carried away with the excitement of being a father, mentoring a child. 18 months (and another child) later, I realised I didn't lover her, not one bit. I told her this, and she argued, cried and begged. I folded. Then I went out one night and got pulled. Two weeks later, I told her again. Same emotional blackmail cycle. I folded again. By this time, I knew it had to end. I had become bitter, irritable and extremely miserable. So I told broke it gently: I needed to sort myself out. I resisted the tears and the begging, though as a friend it was ripping me apart. She finally moved out. I had to stay in touch because of the kids - I visited (and still visit) almost everyday after work. It hurt like hell to see her suffering, and know I was the cause. Then she moved across the ocean with her parents. I visited 4 times in that year, and there was a lot of skyping with the boys, before I moved across to be close to the boys. She was in a much better state. She doesn't know about the cheating, and I don't intend to tell her. She has confidence issues, and I don't see what good it will do to her. I'll be taking the secrets to the grave.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 The wayward feels guilt AFTER they get caught. My WW could have felt terribly guilty after they had sex. She only spoke with OM a total of 10-20 hours before they had sex. It would have been a ONS is the guilt mechanism was working well. My therapist expressed it this way.... They feel guilty, but suppress it do the the high and the good feelings. After discovery, the good feelings from the affair go away, and the guilt rises to the surface. Perhaps this is true, but I can tell you......if I had a ONS......I would feel so guilty it would be written all over my face. She'd know as soon as I came home. She'd ask and I wouldn't tell. Over time, I'd learn to live with my mistake. I certainly would NOT continue it because the GUILT feeling would surpass any good feeling I got from the affair. With Waywards, it's the other way around. I know this is not addressing your question exactly, but just adding some perspective. No, I certainly do not think that post affair guilt feelings would make the cheater feel they loved their spouse. If anything, they hold onto justifications.
FreezorBurn Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Honestly? After my Wife 1 year EA and it could have been 2 or 3 years. She hurt me so bad. I could care less what she was going threw. I was Home watching the kids and she was out drinking with "Friends" Like some kinda tramp, I get disgusted when I think about it.
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