leap83 Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 This is going to be a little bit long, so my apologies for that. I really need to put this down on a piece of paper before talking with my mom today. My mom hit the nail on its head yesterday night when we came back from the city, stating "You're asocial. You don't seem to want to do anything. No wonder people don't want to hang out with you." As much as that hurt, she was 100% right. I give her huge credit for calling up on that and stating it - I needed someone to say it. For the past couple of years, I have felt lost. School has been going great except when I feel down like that and don't want to do any work. But overall, I have been doing well (not as much as I'd like to though). Something in me completely changed. Long time ago I was able to make new friends really fast. Nowadays however not so much. It IS me. I know it is. I get invited to these huge parties where I know there will be drinking (but my friends are there) and I don't go out because there will be drinking (my father was an alcoholic). When I go out with my mom, I have this tendency to walk like 5 meters either behind her or in front of her (usually in front). She always wants to take tons of pictures and that bothers me - I have no idea why (could it be because of the way I view myself?) I'm irresponsible. I leave everything to the last minute. I don't have any balance in my life. I've become lazy. I don't want to get up in the morning anymore and when I do, it takes me forever to get ready. I'm constantly on the net instead of using my time to do something productive. I have this tendency to judge people before I even get to know them. And of course, I don't have much of a love life. Love life: A couple of days ago, I was coming from my tennis tournament and my friend was driving on the highway. It was about 5:30pm and it was total rush hour. There was bumper to bumper traffic and it took us 2 hours to get home (what would usually take us an hour and about 15mins). Sitting in that traffic, I realized what my ex had to go through EVERY TIME he came to pick me up (that's why he was constantly late). And instead of freaking moving our dates to later, I always asked him to come at 7!!!! What kind of selfish person does that?! I've come to a realization about many things that I have done unintentionally in that relationship and now I'm biting myself. I want to call him to talk with him not because I want him back... but because I truly miss this individual and want him in my life. I don't think I'm ready to be buddies yet, but I'm on my freaking way. I miss talking with him as a friend. I feel horrible and I'm really close to sending him an e-mail to ask him if I'm allowed to call him. My head is so much clearer. Jesus. I have friends but they're NOT friends. For ex. yesterday we were supposed to go out. I planned it WAY in advance and it was with 10 different people. guess what?! they ALL canceled. And this is NOT the first time this has happened. This happens ALL THE TIME to me. So, it must be me. I'm giving off negative wibes and I'm stuck in this circle and I can't get out of it. I'm scared to go out alone - for ex. I get invited to a party and I don't know anyone except that one person = most likely I won't go. Some other people run to it. Why am I not like that?! I used to be like that. I also miss having a normal relationship with my mom. We haven't had a normal relationship since we moved here and it bothers me. But she's 100% right in everything she says. She KNOWS how I changed. I became someone that I don't want to be - occluded. And I have no idea how to fix it. How do I fix this? I really want to because I'm starting to feel really lonely and there is a big part of my life that is missing. It's the way I view myself (I think). I view myself as successful in school but a complete loser in everything else. I view myself as socially awkward; as someone who never understands; as someone who is always being used for the benefit of others. And it's also the way my mother views me that affects me. She still views me as a kid and she still treats me like that. In all honesty, if I was her, I would let myself go and not do anything for myself. I'm spoiled because of this. The funny thing is no one ever calls me to check up on me... no one ever calls me just for the heck of calling me... my best friend is expecting a kid and I totally lost him... My life is NOT the way I want it to be, but I don't know how to regain that balance - most of the time I don't have time to do anything except school work. I don't have time to cook, clean, help my mom, go shopping for groceries, go out with people, go out to events.... Well at least I think I don't have time. If I learned how to balance everything and have more peace in my life, I would probably live a way better life. I don't know where to start. Calling my ex? Talking with my mom? Going to the parties I'm invited to even though I don't know anyone except one person? How do I become someone that I was initially? How do I stop being lazy and spoiled and stupid about things? I can't afford to lose everyone in my life before I realize what a dumbass I am. And that's exactly what I am.
GrayClouds Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Sounds like your suffering from a low grade depression, possible a councilor may help.
Author leap83 Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 No. It's not depression. I am happy but I need to fix this. My mom was depressed before - I know all of the signs and symptoms. I'm just entangled in my own thoughts and have been there for a couple of years now...
Phateless Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 I think you need to think less and do more. Make it a policy to always go wherever people invite you. Try new things, open yourself up. Get out of the house, go to the gym, etc. Start DOING.
Dooda Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Leap, if you ever ask yourself, "Will I ever be the same again?" Don't worry, I have the exact same thing, and so do so many others. It's called anxiety. It's called stress. Your mind and body are tired from the constant thinking your doing. I can't really give you any tips, as I'm going through my own healing process and trying to figure myself out, but all I can say is that you should try and do your best to NOT seclude yourself from people. Whenever you feel socially awkward and you feel like people see you as 'weird' (which is exactly how I feel), don't worry about it. Try to relax yourself. Take some time from the studying and just do whatever you want. Listening to music helps. Exercising and eating right are very important, and I figure if you motivate yourself to exercise and treat your body right, this will motivate you to do other things. As Phateless said, start doing.
Author leap83 Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 I am exercising. I'm a varsity athlete so I go through an hour to 3 hours a day of intense training plus I work in the same environment (teaching kids), so I have to run around a lot. I got a couple of books out to see whether that would help me keep my mind off of things. Right now, I feel a little bit better but I'm so tired - I tried my best to do my best yesterday with the people I was around and today again I did everything the way it was supposed to be done. Motivation is there... somewhere. I get bursts of it at the right moments but it's not a very constant thing. Sometimes I just don't care which worries me. I'm going to try to go out this weekend but it feels horrible when you know that the people you hang out with are not up for going out - half of them are engaged, the other half are complete nerds and then there is this other part of them which always wants to spend their time with bfs/gfs. So I decided the first thing I'm going to do is going to go shopping. I'm going to buy plenty of winter clothes. Then I'm going to work on creating this rec program for the kids and this manual for the staff. Then I'm going to go on a date - yes. A date. I talked with my therapist today and I told her "I believe I can move on. But I'm still not over my ex. So would it be fair towards the other person to date them?" and she looked at me with this very cool look she has and went "Ok. Are you going to ask them to marry you the minute you go out with them?" and I said "No. Of course not." And she said "So, you want to go out and have some fun?" and I said "Yes. I don't think I can get serious right now" and she goes "Well, then it's not selfish. You know why? You didn't FORCE them to go out with you. It's THEIR choice and they're ADULTS. So go on a date. A couple of dates. Have fun. And if it gets serious then it does. If it doesn't, then at least you had fun and got to experience it." And she's right. So I'm going to go on a date. Maybe that's exactly what I need. We'll see.
Dooda Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Leap, don't worry, I feel exactly the same thing. I have these spurts of confidence where everything seems to go well, my life is as great as it can be, and then I'll go through some introspection (not really useful or helping me in any way) and my mood and mindset will totally change. It's true, I don't care either, and it all happens because your mind and body, which is why you're tired, are closing down to help protect from the emotional stress and anxiety you're going through. But, the fact that it worries you that you don't care, shows that you do care and that you're not going 'crazy' or losing connection with people. If you're feeling tired and like you're not up to the task, tell your doctor about it and tell her about your constant worrying and thinking and maybe she'll undertsand how to help you. When it comes to socializing and dealing with people, I find I am always my best when I'm not trying so hard. The more I think about myself and my actions, the worst I get. The more I think I give off a negative vibe, the more I actually do give off a negative vibe, because people can actually sense how you're feeling and if you're being natural or not. And it's a good idea to go on a date. Don't worry about the expectations and just do it. And as for the friends, maybe you need to change them. If you feel they're not the right group for you, then just move on. You shouldn't blame everything on yourself and think you're giving off a negative vibe. Sometimes people are just not friendly or down to earth. Hope this helps.
Ross PK Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 "You're asocial. You don't seem to want to do anything. No wonder people don't want to hang out with you." It didn't seem very nice of your mum to say that bit at the end.
GrayClouds Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 No. It's not depression. I am happy but I need to fix this. My mom was depressed before - I know all of the signs and symptoms. I'm just entangled in my own thoughts and have been there for a couple of years now... Either way I would suggest start exercising 4-5 days and weeks. A great way to get out of your head and into the world. You will naturally start feeling better and when you feel better it is easier to be social. Natural endorphin can do wonders.
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