MaureyL Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Hi-- I'm new to the this forum! It looks to be a very helpful place to be. My lover had a live-in girlfriend while he was having his affair with me and they moved to continue his teacher training on a small tropical island in the South Pacific. Couldn't make it up, could you? Anyway, I am on the road to recovery but I still find myself thinking a lot about HER. It must be my competitive side coming through but I never met her or knew much about her and now I find that I am intensely interested in their life together. She's on Facebook and I look at her picture at least once a day and go through her friends list (obviously we aren't Facebook friends!!) Any advice on how to be less consumed with wondering what their life is like? He is clearly very interested in continuing his relationship with her and in repairing their relationship. I know if I loved him I would want his happiness, whatever that would be but basically I just want her to fall off a cliff or something! Any advice on how to deal with these feelings? How did you get over obsessing about your ex's other life??
Stroon Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 tricky one that, like any obsession it can be very difficult to pull yourself away. eventually i imagine you will become tired of looking at the same picture, reading the same friends list etc. you need to ask yourself in what way is this helping you? where/how does your obsession feel gratified by looking at her details? More to the point, you obviously have not got over your A with her partner. your obsession lies in him, not her, you're trying to gain insight into his life through her. it will go in its own time, try not looking at her FB? spend more time doing other stuff, you're wasting your time and energy ATM. some sort of councelling may be in order though if you cannt break away.
loveslife Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Maybe you're trying to imagine yourself in her place. Maybe in some way you want to be her? I think you never fully had closure. The thing you should try and understand is that obsessing and focusing on her will do really strange things to your mind and emotions. It probably already has. What do you think it would take for you to snap out of it?
Author MaureyL Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 There is a part of me that is just intensely curious about everyone's secret lives... so of course finding out what's going on between them (which is clearly pointless and impossible) is even more compelling. Also, I didn't have closure or perhaps I can't face it. The situation was left open ended (as if) when he left and he didn't say until March of the following year that "his feelings had changed." All that time I clung on to texts every week, emails and the occasional phone call. I know that he is gone forever and the agony of that still haunts me. I'm not worried about embarrassing myself-- I never intiated contact, even when the affair was at its height. And most of the time, things are absolutely fine. But when I've got time on my hands and space to fill, memories really get on top of me. Because I stayed and he left, everything reminds me of him, places we went together. Just last night a dear friend of mine was talking about a fantastic exhibition at the Tate Britain, a museum we visited together. I thought to myself "I will never be able to go into that museum." Incredible that it still hurts so much. I can't even wear the perfume that I wore when I was with him. I'm in therapy and have been for the past year and things have really really improved. I was married at the time of my affair and my marriage ended-- something that I was obviously ready for. It's sad but I don't miss my husband of ten years-- he was gambling and was always gone anyway-- but that brief six month affair feels like it has marked me for life. Well-- I have a boyfriend now and I feel much better about school (we met at work). So it's not all doom and gloom. But it's very difficult to leave that passion, that intensity and the fact that we just loved being around one another and spending time together. It was an impossible relationship but I went ahead and did it anyway. ah well, tomorrow's another day!! xx
candoit Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 I check my married man's wife's pictures on myspace at least 5 times a day , I broke it off with him today , I just cant stop going on her profile
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