Can cheating be inherited?

[RonRT]

This may sound ludicrous but is it possible that it might be an inherited characteristics?

 

I'm really having a hard time committing as I keep on dumping women right before I'm either thinking about cheating or so close to doing it. After I dumped her, I meet the other girl.

 

My parents cheated on each other. It was my mother who did it first on 2 occassions and many years later my father did it too. His motive was mainly for revenge. Later on, I learned my grandfather (from my mother's side) cheated multiple times on my grandmother.

 

Anyways I was one time so close in marrying a woman but I had to break it off. I get the feeling that if I was to get marry I will cheat for the first time.

Is there any way I can finally commit and not have to dump a woman whenever I think about cheating or so close in doing it but don't?

Did I somehow inherited this characteristic from my parents?

Edited October 4, 2009 by RonRT

[Bejita463]

Cheating is not a gene, nor is it a characteristic. It is a conscious decision.

Edited October 4, 2009 by Bejita463
Rephrased slightly.

[You'reasian]

This may sound ludicrous but is it possible that it might be an inherited characteristics?

 

I'm really having a hard time committing as I keep on dumping women right before I'm either thinking about cheating or so close to doing it. After I dumped her, I meet the other girl.

 

My parents cheated on each other. It was my mother who did it first on 2 occassions and many years later my father did it too. His motive was mainly for revenge. Later on, I learned my grandfather (from my mother's side) cheated multiple times on my grandmother.

 

Anyways I was one time so close in marrying a woman but I had to break it off. I get the feeling that if I was to get marry I will cheat for the first time.

Is there any way I can finally commit and not have to dump a woman whenever I think about cheating or so close in doing it but don't?

Did I somehow inherited this characteristic from my parents?

 

Cheating isn't any more inheritable than bad grammer......

 

In other words, its a trait that is controlled by work and conscious decision making.

[playlislay]

I don't think you inherit cheating, but I suppose the exposure to it may cause you to think that cheating is somehow OK to do?

 

My mum and dad brought me up with good morals. Ive cheated once on a long-term partner, but that was more due to the fact that he was my first love/partner and I wanted to see if I was missing out with a culture that was similar to mine (he was albanian/muslim, I am british/atheist).

 

I say that my parents brought me up with good morals, but in hindsight, it was my dad that installed my morals. I always knew that my mum was cheating on my dad, but it was never confirmed, so I just swept it under the carpet. Ignorance is bliss.

 

Once it was confirmed, which was soon after my most fulfilling relationship was destroyed by my partner cheating on me, I couldnt help but wonder if I would adopt such behaviours. Could it be that everyone actually cheats? Has the fairytale ending just been the biggest load of balls that has been fed to us by our 'cheating parents' to make themselves feel better? Or does too much exposure to cheating create a new outlook on life, erasing what you have always seen as 'normal' and replacing it with a new normality?

 

As one ex said "You are always going to be attracted to others throughout your life, but it is whether you choose to act or it or not."

 

I havent cheated to date (5 years after cheating on my first love) but my outlook on others cheating has changed. I have tried to train myself that although I dont ever want to cheat, I must accept that others will cheat on me. Kind of as if it is a natural thing to cheat. I dont want to be cheated on! But if it arises, then maybe I need to just let it go and not feel so hurt over it.

 

I suppose it is a matter of human psychology. You believe in what you want to believe. But what you believe is supported by evidence from observation.

Maybe you need some sort of 'life coaching' or you need to read some books on faithfull relationships. Just so you can change your mindset. You seem to have this deep fear of 1) committing and 2) cheating.

 

Ask yourself: Why do I not want to commit? What is it about cheating that I like/dislike? What will happen if I do cheat? What will happen if I commit?

 

It is like you are scared because you dont know what the consequences are or what the long-term outlook will be? Maybe I am wrong?????

[playlislay]

Cheating is not a gene, nor is it a characteristic. It is a conscious decision.

 

Ok, so it is a conscious decision, but what about influence and culture?

 

A culture in one household might be that women are treated as servants. Ok, so that doesnt mean that the son will definitely make his future wife and daughters 'serve' him, but the probability is likely.

 

Im not saying that there is an underlying excuse for cheating, because if you enter a relationship where your partner wishes to have a faithful relationship and you wish to have an open one, then that is plain wrong.

 

All I am saying is that humans are heavily influenced in all areas of life, consciously and subconsciously.

[Bejita463]

Ok, so it is a conscious decision, but what about influence and culture?

 

A culture in one household might be that women are treated as servants. Ok, so that doesnt mean that the son will definitely make his future wife and daughters 'serve' him, but the probability is likely.

 

Im not saying that there is an underlying excuse for cheating, because if you enter a relationship where your partner wishes to have a faithful relationship and you wish to have an open one, then that is plain wrong.

 

All I am saying is that humans are heavily influenced in all areas of life, consciously and subconsciously.

 

You might have a messed up view of relationships if your parents had a dysfunctional relationship, or if some you were subjected to some other negative influence, yes. Maybe his father cheated because his father had a messed up view of relationships due to the grandfather, and therefor his child ended up with a distorted idea of what a healthy relationship is.

 

Even considering this, that is a pretty large difference from saying cheating is in your genes. If a partner ever claimed they cheated on me due to their genes or inherited characteristics, I would view it as an attempt to absolve themselves of responsibility.

 

Want a gene I'd believe someone might have? Something that inhibits motor functions, causing clumsiness. Know what I won't believe? That this gene made a guy fall into a woman, or that woman fall out of her clothes.

[playlislay]

You might have a messed up view of relationships if your parents had a dysfunctional relationship, or if some you were subjected to some other negative influence, yes. Maybe his father cheated because his father had a messed up view of relationships due to the grandfather, and therefor his child ended up with a distorted idea of what a healthy relationship is.

 

Even considering this, that is a pretty large difference from saying cheating is in your genes. If a partner ever claimed they cheated on me due to their genes or inherited characteristics, I would view it as an attempt to absolve themselves of responsibility.

 

Want a gene I'd believe someone might have? Something that inhibits motor functions, causing clumsiness. Know what I won't believe? That this gene made a guy fall into a woman, or that woman fall out of her clothes.

 

 

Just to clear things up, I am not saying that cheating is in someones genes. I too would think that it was a load of b*llsheeetif it was given as an excuse. But Ron has raised the question and I have answered it from my own point of view. Influence can play a major factor. This dude doesnt know why he cheats himself, hence why he has asked the question.

 

I know someone that comes from a very decent and faithful immediate family (I presume, from what I have been told), but yet he is a full-time cheat.

 

Some people cheat because they dont have the willpower to refuse an offer. Some people cheat because feelings are involved-although they would have to make the steps to get to know them, which then gains deep feelings.........argh! There is so much to it and so many reasons behind why someone might cheat.

 

I know for a fact, that when I am truly in love with someone, I dont ever go looking for other men. I dont notice or take interest in them. I wouldnt flinch, even if I saw a half-naked hotty stood under a waterfall whilst touching his toned body!! This is because I am happy with who I am with. I dont need them, I have the one that I want. But that is me. You are you. And Ron is Ron.

 

So cheating can sometimes occur when one is unhappy or uncertain. Sometimes men and woman are cereal cheaters, period.

[Bejita463]

Just to clear things up, I am not saying that cheating is in someones genes. I too would think that it was a load of b*llsheeetif it was given as an excuse. But Ron has raised the question and I have answered it from my own point of view. Influence can play a major factor. This dude doesnt know why he cheats himself, hence why he has asked the question.

 

I know someone that comes from a very decent and faithful immediate family (I presume, from what I have been told), but yet he is a full-time cheat.

 

Some people cheat because they dont have the willpower to refuse an offer. Some people cheat because feelings are involved-although they would have to make the steps to get to know them, which then gains deep feelings.........argh! There is so much to it and so many reasons behind why someone might cheat.

 

I know for a fact, that when I am truly in love with someone, I dont ever go looking for other men. I dont notice or take interest in them. I wouldnt flinch, even if I saw a half-naked hotty stood under a waterfall whilst touching his toned body!! This is because I am happy with who I am with. I dont need them, I have the one that I want. But that is me. You are you. And Ron is Ron.

 

So cheating can sometimes occur when one is unhappy or uncertain. Sometimes men and woman are cereal cheaters, period.

 

For reference, I was using "you" as a general form of address, not at you specifically. My intent was to address your post, not the person behind it. I apologize if I gave the wrong impression.

[True2form]

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/articles/cheating-genetics-family-cheating

 

There's lots of debates, articles, papers...this that and the other about Cheating genes...I'm not so sure about a specific gene, but I think this woman puts it very well in her article.

 

I'm extremely similar to her. My father was a constant cheater, never left a relationship without someone already there waiting for him and unfortunately, not only am I attracted to men like him (which of course you never know until you've got to know them!), if I am feeling rejected or irritated by my partner in any way I find myself looking over my shoulder at someone else more interesting. However, unlike this woman in this article saying she was tempted even when she was madly in love, I find that impossible. If I really love someone, everyone else becomes out of bounds...but I have that one weakness when the love starts to fade...

 

Anyhoo! The most important thing is to learn to love yourself. Maybe you should stop going from woman - small gap - woman - small gap - woman.

 

Take a year out to yourself to learn about you and your inner thoughts and just have fun and happy times. I've had to put my romantic tendancies on hold and that's what I'm doing at the moment, it's really really hard, because of course when you're single, you meet people and there's always gonna be someone that interests you but I'm trying to keep away from it as much as possible! Too much hassle for a young mind!

[True2form]

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/articles/cheating-genetics-family-cheating

 

There's lots of debates, articles, papers...this that and the other about Cheating genes...I'm not so sure about a specific gene, but I think this woman puts it very well in her article.

 

I'm extremely similar to her. My father was a constant cheater, never left a relationship without someone already there waiting for him and unfortunately, not only am I attracted to men like him (which of course you never know until you've got to know them!), if I am feeling rejected or irritated by my partner in any way I find myself looking over my shoulder at someone else more interesting. However, unlike this woman in this article saying she was tempted even when she was madly in love, I find that impossible. If I really love someone, everyone else becomes out of bounds...but I have that one weakness when the love starts to fade...

 

Anyhoo! The most important thing is to learn to love yourself. Maybe you should stop going from woman - small gap - woman - small gap - woman.

 

Take a year out to yourself to learn about you and your inner thoughts and just have fun and happy times. I've had to put my romantic tendancies on hold and that's what I'm doing at the moment, it's really really hard, because of course when you're single, you meet people and there's always gonna be someone that interests you but I'm trying to keep away from it as much as possible! Too much hassle for a young mind!

[Bejita463]

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/articles/cheating-genetics-family-cheating

 

The time I used reading that is time I can never have back, and I lament its loss.

 

It is cool that woman is honest with her husband, possibly to the point of potentially being too honest. However, it would be more cool if she'd stop trying to blame her past mistakes on her evil father who passed her that awful diseased gene that even her poor ignorant doctor friend told her doesn't even exist. Must have became a doctor from one of those questionable online degree programs, eh?

[RonRT]

I don't think you inherit cheating, but I suppose the exposure to it may cause you to think that cheating is somehow OK to do?

Is not that I think it's ok. In fact I don't think that's fair to the other person but it's more like an uncontrollable temptation that won't leave you alone. I still have not cheated on any of the women I dated but that's only because I broke up with them first. However, who knows how many times I would have if I had married my ex fiancee. I didn't wanted to hurt her so I call off the wedding and walked away, not to be seen again. I was still sad that day and never told her the real reason.

Maybe you need some sort of 'life coaching' or you need to read some books on faithfull relationships. Just so you can change your mindset. You seem to have this deep fear of 1) committing and 2) cheating.

That can be a major factor too. I often think how much more time will it take before I can say to myself that I'm finally ready to commit and will not have those temptations nor urges.

Ask yourself: Why do I not want to commit? What is it about cheating that I like/dislike? What will happen if I do cheat? What will happen if I commit?

Having ask myself many times starting from age 17 when I had my first girlfriend and till this day I'm still trying to find a concrete answer. I have only come with one assumption which is what I questioned on my post. I would not like to cheat because it will not only hurt the woman I'm claiming to love but bring more troubles. Whether I were to get dumped or taken back, it would create a dramatic impact on her as well as her views towards future relationships. As far as me committing, when that specific day comes then it would be my greatest achievement ever. However I keep thinking that somewhere down the line, there will always be that unstoppable temptation within me if the opportunity rises.

It is like you are scared because you dont know what the consequences are or what the long-term outlook will be? Maybe I am wrong?????

I suppost it's more likely the later. I have broken up too many times only after 2-4 months of being in exclusive relationships. My only longest relationship was 3 years and I really thought I would finally get married but sadly I had to break if off. I still missed her though but I can't never tell her the truth why I had to leave her.

 

I just finished reading the Marie Claire article and her story is exactly what I have always being going through. The only difference is I would break if off before moving to the next woman but I can understand it too. I'm guessing that maybe one day if I find the right woman then I can express everything I have written and find the way to stop it. Even though I never cheated, it's still bad enough to say to a woman ''I'm breaking up with you because if I don't then I might end up hurting you by cheating on you''.

Edited October 4, 2009 by RonRT

[Hkizzle]

This may sound ludicrous but is it possible that it might be an inherited characteristics?

 

I'm really having a hard time committing as I keep on dumping women right before I'm either thinking about cheating or so close to doing it. After I dumped her, I meet the other girl.

 

My parents cheated on each other. It was my mother who did it first on 2 occassions and many years later my father did it too. His motive was mainly for revenge. Later on, I learned my grandfather (from my mother's side) cheated multiple times on my grandmother.

 

Anyways I was one time so close in marrying a woman but I had to break it off. I get the feeling that if I was to get marry I will cheat for the first time.

Is there any way I can finally commit and not have to dump a woman whenever I think about cheating or so close in doing it but don't?

Did I somehow inherited this characteristic from my parents?

 

Lol, I'm going to be flamed for this. But a few weeks ago I started a thread about how cheating is biological.

 

Yes, you an be more predesposed to cheat. That doesn't meant you're powerless to control it.

 

Some people are just biologically driven to find multiple partners and monogamy doesn't suit them, that's why they cheat.

[Art_Critic]

Like any abuse it is my feeling that it can be passed down to your kids.. but not thru their genes but rather thru learned behavior.

 

There are families that the kids have to learn how to break the chain..

I came from one of those.. my father was a serial cheater and I had to unlearn the abusive behavior that cheating is on a spouse..

 

I loved my Dad but detested how he treated my Mom's and I can tell you that I have purposly made sure that I am nothing like him..

[Hkizzle]

Like any abuse it is my feeling that it can be passed down to your kids.. but not thru their genes but rather thru learned behavior.

 

There are families that the kids have to learn how to break the chain..

I came from one of those.. my father was a serial cheater and I had to unlearn the abusive behavior that cheating is on a spouse..

 

I loved my Dad but detested how he treated my Mom's and I can tell you that I have purposly made sure that I am nothing like him..

 

Agressive behavior and alcoholism have been proven to be genetically linked.

 

It doesn't mean a person can't avoid the behavior. It just means more risk of doing it.

 

I don't see how wanting mulitple partners is any different. Monogamy after all is an artificial modern human creation.

[RonRT]

I loved my Dad but detested how he treated my Mom's and I can tell you that I have purposly made sure that I am nothing like him..

Even worst when both parents cheated on each other. I don't want to end up doing that nor be like my grandfather. I guess maybe it take me a while to finally fully commit. I have try everything before from keeping a picture of my ex and reminding myself who I would hurt if I do it to constantly saying within me ''If you love her, you wouldn't cheat'' but I still end up breaking up no matter what.

[RonRT]

I don't see how wanting mulitple partners is any different. Monogamy after all is an artificial modern human creation.

I would state if that's a concrete truthful evidence then it means we live in a world govern by society and their expectations.

[Hkizzle]

I would state if that's a concrete truthful evidence then it means we live in a world govern by society and their expectations.

 

Yes we are in a world governed by society and it's expectations......

 

I everyone disappeared off the face of the world, I'll be walking around on a warm summers day in my underwear.

 

But be glad the world controls us. Just look at Katrina, you just need the cops to lose control for 24 hours, and some humans turn into animals that rape and murder each other.

[Trialbyfire]

Check out the study done on allele 334.

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26523972/

 

It's not conclusive but could be indicative.

[carhill]

Check out the study done on allele 334.

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26523972/

 

It's not conclusive but could be indicative.

I've long opined that many/most relationship-related behaviors are biologically, hence genetically, driven. They are a function of our brain chemistry which is firstly a function of genetics, then stimulus response, then cognitive reasoning.

 

I've experienced women in the manic phase of bi-polar coming on to me; women I've known and loved and who would never do such things in their 'right mind'. Their brain chemistry, the genetics and the life history, overcame their cognitive reason and moral boundaries. That's just one tiny example.

 

I don't see a linear connection between a gene and 'cheating', but I do see genetics as setting the stage for many cognitive and emotional behavior states which have a marked effect on our 'choice'. We may choose monogamy, but acknowledging the realities of the rest of our chemical motivations is a good thing, IMO. Know the enemy, and they are us

 

As we learn more about the brain, I'm positive we will discover many genetic links to behavior and emotional setpoints. I look forward to it.

[Trialbyfire]

I've long opined that many/most relationship-related behaviors are biologically, hence genetically, driven. They are a function of our brain chemistry which is firstly a function of genetics, then stimulus response, then cognitive reasoning.

 

I've experienced women in the manic phase of bi-polar coming on to me; women I've known and loved and who would never do such things in their 'right mind'. Their brain chemistry, the genetics and the life history, overcame their cognitive reason and moral boundaries. That's just one tiny example.

 

I don't see a linear connection between a gene and 'cheating', but I do see genetics as setting the stage for many cognitive and emotional behavior states which have a marked effect on our 'choice'. We may choose monogamy, but acknowledging the realities of the rest of our chemical motivations is a good thing, IMO. Know the enemy, and they are us

 

As we learn more about the brain, I'm positive we will discover many genetic links to behavior and emotional setpoints. I look forward to it.

I don't disagree with you one bit with your post. Genetics plays a huge part of what makes us tick. And yes, regardless, we're no longer club toting cave people who can't control ourselves unless there's some form of brain chemistry imbalance.

 

If we fall back on the "cheating is natural" argument, we can also say we couldn't help ourselves when we commit murder or theft, since law is a social construct.

 

As an ex-BW, I could say that I just couldn't help myself from putting a bullet through the head of the ex-OW and ex-cheating spouse, since it's only natural to feel anger, territorialism and hatred.

[carhill]

I could say that I just couldn't help myself from putting a bullet through the head of the ex-OW and ex-cheating spouse, since it's only natural to feel anger, territorialism and hatred.

 

I think it's healthy to recognize and accept that you had/have those feelings and thoughts. Choose to follow your personal moral code and social construct but accept the rage and hurt are a part of you too. I've found such acceptance of my 'dark side' to be a path to a healthier life. It's OK to think about cheating and feel the emotions but choose not to. Look the choice right in the eye.

[Trialbyfire]

I think it's healthy to recognize and accept that you had/have those feelings and thoughts. Choose to follow your personal moral code and social construct but accept the rage and hurt are a part of you too. I've found such acceptance of my 'dark side' to be a path to a healthier life. It's OK to think about cheating and feel the emotions but choose not to. Look the choice right in the eye.

Don't take the analogy so seriously.

 

I did get my pound of blood and flesh but in a non-violent way. I still have no remorse and am glad I did it. Not nice but it's me and fully accepted.

[Hkizzle]

I don't disagree with you one bit with your post. Genetics plays a huge part of what makes us tick. And yes, regardless, we're no longer club toting cave people who can't control ourselves unless there's some form of brain chemistry imbalance.

.

 

I only disagree with one thing you've said in your posts.

 

We're actually genetically very similar to our club toting ancestors. 10-20 thousand generations actually doesn't create huge changes on a long term evolutionary scale of things.

 

Just take the cops off the streets for 24 hours, and trust me you will see plenty of cave people running around. Katrina and the LA riots are perfect proof that humans are not as civilized or well controlled as people hope. Plus the scary thing is that happened in the US. Across the globe there's plenty of people acting like savages.

 

A lot of humans behave not because of self control, but because of external control. If there was no legal system or cops then society would take just a few weeks to turn into the dark ages.

Edited October 8, 2009 by Hkizzle

[carhill]

LOL, and a bunch of their genetic material would be eternally prohibited from replicating. Come to think of it, that would help the cheating problem too.