4givrnt4gtr Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 I just came back from where my ex now lives. Long story short we had planned to move there, first him this year and then me next year. I had already searched the schools I would apply to etc. So in order to not feel so stupid and because I love the area I continued on with the plans, minus him. I was petrified of what it would be like to be up there without him and whether I would want to still live there. Thankfully I still love it, and I have a brand new plan, down to what town I want to live at and what school im praying to get into. Today I went to his city, did the touristy thing. By the end though the melancholy started creeping in, as I remembered how we walked EVERYWHERE the first time we went there. I was looking at a map and I was so amazed at how much we walked (by his pushing). I then caught myself missing that about him, how crazy he was and the weird things he liked to do. I almost started bawling in the middle of hyde st in SF. Awesome. I forced myself to forget it, kept telling myself he isnt thinking about me, probably busy with his new life etc etc. Got me good and mad and moved onto other things. Still, i had to drive to BMF to get gas (that freaking city has no gas stations ANYWHERE!) which almost landed me in the street he now lives. I maneauvered to not go there and was able to avoid it. Well, I am now home, with renewed enthusiasm for my school and the place i want to live in. Still i miss him....like mad. It just feels like one of those....this wasnt supposed to happen. Yet it is, and there is NOTHING i can do about it. However at the point when I just got home i was still "he isnt thinking about me, so really I just need to move on" well, for some UNGODLY reason I remembered my friend gave me her password for facebook.....said friend is also his friend.... yeah, im retarded. I was nervous to find out he was already dating someone, or to see that he was so happy he could barely contain himself. though that would definitely have helped me move on quicker TO my surprise i find the exact opposite. He has been posting really really sad quotes of songs....the last one, posted three hours ago, definitely about me. there is no mistaken that one. (The ones before I force myself to assumed were for his ex girlfriend before me who he loved like crazy and left him a total mess. One of the reasons we broke up, cuz he couldnt let himself fall in love again) this one, its really too obvious. And yet...there is NOTHING i can do. NOTHING This is the song he posted about Come on skinny love just last the year Pour a little salt we were never here My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer I tell my love to wreck it all Cut out all the ropes and let me fall My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my Right in the moment this order's tall And I told you to be patient And I told you to be fine And I told you to be balanced And I told you to be kind (this is the part he posted, exactly what he used to tell me when we were together). And in the morning I'll be with you But it will be a different kind And I'll be holding all the tickets And you'll be owning all the fines Come on skinny love, what happened here? Suckle on the hope in light brassieres My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my Sullen load is full, so slow on the split And I told you to be patient And I told you to be fine And I told you to be balanced And I told you to be kind And now all your love is wasted And then who the hell was I? And I'm breaking at the britches And at the end of all your lines Who will love you? Who will fight? Who will fall far behind? It pissed me off.....at first. Like he was blaming me for not holding on. Let alone the last lines. Yet as confusing as it all is....and what???? so what if he posts all this and all the love songs ever written. He isnt calling me, or contacting me or anything. So what? And thats why there is NOTHING i can do. As much as I miss him as I love him....he isnt doing anything to win me back. I just wish i didnt love him anymore....honestly...if there was something i could take.....this is about the time when Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless mind makes oh so much sense...
Exit Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Yup... you definitely brought this upon yourself. But at least you have a pretty firm grasp on the situation. "So what".
Island Girl Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 I just came back from where my ex now lives. Long story short we had planned to move there, first him this year and then me next year. I had already searched the schools I would apply to etc. So in order to not feel so stupid and because I love the area I continued on with the plans, minus him. I was petrified of what it would be like to be up there without him and whether I would want to still live there. Thankfully I still love it, and I have a brand new plan, down to what town I want to live at and what school im praying to get into. I am glad you went -- I am glad you find it amazing and still want to live there. It is a beautiful city with a lot to do. One of my favs. Today I went to his city, did the touristy thing. By the end though the melancholy started creeping in, as I remembered how we walked EVERYWHERE the first time we went there. I was looking at a map and I was so amazed at how much we walked (by his pushing). I then caught myself missing that about him, how crazy he was and the weird things he liked to do. I almost started bawling in the middle of hyde st in SF. Awesome. Sweetie, it is to be expected. You cared then and care now. It is a fresh wound. And you haven't built any memories of that place without him yet. You will. And this WILL pass. I forced myself to forget it, kept telling myself he isnt thinking about me, probably busy with his new life etc etc. Got me good and mad and moved onto other things. Still, i had to drive to BMF to get gas (that freaking city has no gas stations ANYWHERE!) which almost landed me in the street he now lives. I maneauvered to not go there and was able to avoid it. Gas stations are really hard to come by! I found that out the hard way and ran out on the Golden Gate -- that was a frickin' nightmare (they ought to warn people! LOL). I'm glad you were able to avoid it but being so close must have been really hard. Still i miss him....like mad. It just feels like one of those....this wasnt supposed to happen. Yet it is, and there is NOTHING i can do about it. However at the point when I just got home i was still "he isnt thinking about me, so really I just need to move on" well, for some UNGODLY reason I remembered my friend gave me her password for facebook.....said friend is also his friend.... Well now that is just torturing yourself. Don't torture yourself and make things any harder. yeah, im retarded. Momentary lapse in judgment. It happens to all of us. Especially in these kinds of situations. I was nervous to find out he was already dating someone, or to see that he was so happy he could barely contain himself. though that would definitely have helped me move on quicker TO my surprise i find the exact opposite. He has been posting really really sad quotes of songs....the last one, posted three hours ago, definitely about me. there is no mistaken that one. (The ones before I force myself to assumed were for his ex girlfriend before me who he loved like crazy and left him a total mess. One of the reasons we broke up, cuz he couldnt let himself fall in love again) this one, its really too obvious. He is posting messages and music quotes like a angst ridden artist? If he really wanted to do something he knows how to get hold of you. It sounds really moronic that he just expects you to decipher the code and get in touch with HIM. It pissed me off.....at first. Like he was blaming me for not holding on. Let alone the last lines. Yet as confusing as it all is....and what???? so what if he posts all this and all the love songs ever written. He isnt calling me, or contacting me or anything. So what? Exactly. And you are right that he would be moved to action if it was important to him. I'd be sooooo angry if a guy I had been in your relationship and then the guy did THAT??? Dayum. I'd be unglued that he thought I was so whipped, heartbroken, weak, or whatever that I would "see the signals" and come running back to him. He is the one that should be making an effort. FULL effort as in the very least a real PHONE CALL. Not an e-mail or a chat but live and real contact. And thats why there is NOTHING i can do. As much as I miss him as I love him....he isnt doing anything to win me back. I just wish i didnt love him anymore....honestly...if there was something i could take.....this is about the time when Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless mind makes oh so much sense... You are being smart about this. You printed those posts about why he is no good for you and why you were VERY unhappy with him. He did not give you what you needed. You were investing and he wasn't. It is natural that you would feel hurt and loss. Especially after being there and then tormenting yourself by looking at his page. By doing that you took yourself back to the beginning of the healing process. You reopened the wounds. This is expected and it will pass. You need to go back and remember how you were feeling at the end. What he was doing about you and your needs (nothing). {{4givrnt4gtr}}
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