fabulous_chk Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Would you keep dating a woman who is unemployed and not going to school? ************************ My situation: 7 months ago I had everything going - school, a LTR that I thought was going to lead to marriage after I graduate, and a bright, exciting future. Well, my ex was cheating on me. It destroyed my self-esteem obviously, messed up my head and my life. I have stopped school because I could not function. It's amazing that I passed all my exams with zero studying but I was really getting worse and I had no motivation. I quit school, I'm currently jobless, living with my family at 27, and my self-esteem is very low because I equate my worth with either school or a good-paying job, and I don't have either. I now have a new bf whom I love very much, but my situation is something I get embarassed about. I can't even discuss it with him. He's a high achiever - a Wall Street investor at 25, lives in Financial District in Manhattan. All his friends are high achievers too - college graduates with exciting jobs and high income. All within the 23-25 year old range. And here I am desperately looking for jobs. =( He loves me a lot but I keep pushing him away. He knows I'm looking for jobs and that I'm 20 credits away from graduating. He knows I live with my parents. He loves me and takes good care of me. But I'm disgusted with myself and I hate not being an "equal" in a relationship.
ace2666 Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 In short, yes. In long, yes. It's not that you've done nothing with your life. You took a big blow and are still getting back on your feet. He understands that, and that says a lot of good things about him. Your a lucky girl. Just try to focus on getting back on your feet, because apparently you have great support. I wish I could say the same.
JustLooking123 Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Maybe you should take some time off of dating until you (1) have your life more in order, be that school, employment, whatever, and (2) feel better about yourself? Sounds like you're not able to give your best to this relationship right now.
loveslife Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 I live in Manhattan. The Wall St. mentality used to be one of overindulgence and snobbery. Nowadays, many of their own have lost jobs, homes, etc. It's nothing to be ashamed about and actually quite common among the "elite" nowadays. It sounds like you are loved for you. Enjoy it.
JohnP82 Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 I can definitely empathize with your situation. I've finished school and have all of these nice degrees but I'm having a really hard time finding a job. It has really hit my confidence hard. I too feel embarrassed telling people that I'm jobless and as a result don't really feel up for dating. As for your question I guess I would continue dating someone who was unemployed or out of school as long as they were actively trying to find a job or trying to get back into school.
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 In short, yes. In long, yes. It's not that you've done nothing with your life. You took a big blow and are still getting back on your feet. He understands that, and that says a lot of good things about him. Your a lucky girl. Just try to focus on getting back on your feet, because apparently you have great support. I wish I could say the same. Thank you. Here I am feeling so unlucky - when I should be feeling lucky because I have him. (((hugs))) Sometimes we do need to be alone and nurse ourselves and get situated before entering relationships. You being alone for now is not necessarily bad. You don't have to think of another person before making a decisions.
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 Maybe you should take some time off of dating until you (1) have your life more in order, be that school, employment, whatever, and (2) feel better about yourself? Sounds like you're not able to give your best to this relationship right now. I was dating casually to just have fun. Never actually thought I could fall in love again, and so soon, because I was very much in love with my ex of four years. I am trying to get my life in order but it is so hard in this economy, nobody wants to hire me. As soon as I get a job I will feel more like myself. This joblessness is bringing me down. =(
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 I live in Manhattan. The Wall St. mentality used to be one of overindulgence and snobbery. Nowadays, many of their own have lost jobs, homes, etc. It's nothing to be ashamed about and actually quite common among the "elite" nowadays. It sounds like you are loved for you. Enjoy it. Thank you! He is very happy with me - he says I'm the sweetest, warmest, cutest, (all the superlatives you can think of!) girl that he met. I guess it's me projecting my self-esteem issues on him. He called me last night from 9PM to 6AM just to tell me he loves me. Like you said, I should just enjoy this.
loveslife Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Thank you! He is very happy with me - he says I'm the sweetest, warmest, cutest, (all the superlatives you can think of!) girl that he met. I guess it's me projecting my self-esteem issues on him. He called me last night from 9PM to 6AM just to tell me he loves me. Like you said, I should just enjoy this.] Awww, that's so, so, so, so sweet. I totally understand what you mean though. I am having a hard time finding work, too. (I have my own company.) It's really ego-crushing and makes it hard to enjoy things because you worry about your bank account. Still, there are SO many people in the same boat. It's gonna work out okay. I'm glad you have a safety net (I do, too. )
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 I can definitely empathize with your situation. I've finished school and have all of these nice degrees but I'm having a really hard time finding a job. It has really hit my confidence hard. I too feel embarrassed telling people that I'm jobless and as a result don't really feel up for dating. As for your question I guess I would continue dating someone who was unemployed or out of school as long as they were actively trying to find a job or trying to get back into school. At least you have graduated. I am only 20 credits away from graduating!!! If I had not such a terrible loss this year, I would be graduating in 8 months as a dental hygienist. I took the betrayal real hard. I just want to disappear for a while and come back as I was. I had this Go-go-go mentality (which made my ex feel inferior I guess). I felt I could conquer the world. Right now, I would take any job I guess. I have no choice but to do so. Good luck on your job-hunting! The degrees you have acquired at least will never be taken away from you!
splintered thing Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 He loves me a lot but I keep pushing him away. He knows I'm looking for jobs and that I'm 20 credits away from graduating. He knows I live with my parents. He loves me and takes good care of me. But I'm disgusted with myself and I hate not being an "equal" in a relationship. There's so much more to life and to a partnership than money. If he's got enough income and future potential that he doesn't have to worry about starving, then he has the freedom to be with whom he loves regardless of whether they pull down a comparable income. Think of all the ways you can add to his life that a weekly slip of paper never could.
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 ] Awww, that's so, so, so, so sweet. I totally understand what you mean though. I am having a hard time finding work, too. (I have my own company.) It's really ego-crushing and makes it hard to enjoy things because you worry about your bank account. Still, there are SO many people in the same boat. It's gonna work out okay. I'm glad you have a safety net (I do, too. ) Yes, I do have options and I'm gonna start following up on them. My goal is to save up $18,000 for Fall 2010-Spring 2011 so I can graduate. I'm at the point that any job will do. It is sooo hard to enjoy things when I know I'm months behind my payments and there's no source. But if other people have survived depression and calamities worse than this, I can survive too. I just have to hang in there.
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 There's so much more to life and to a partnership than money. If he's got enough income and future potential that he doesn't have to worry about starving, then he has the freedom to be with whom he loves regardless of whether they pull down a comparable income. Think of all the ways you can add to his life that a weekly slip of paper never could. Right now we are in our honeymoon period and everything is perfect, but my bf is very ambitious (like me) and could view my situation negatively in a few months. But that's me being pessimistic. I know things will get better. I keep hoping and praying.
loveslife Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Yes, I do have options and I'm gonna start following up on them. My goal is to save up $18,000 for Fall 2010-Spring 2011 so I can graduate. I'm at the point that any job will do. It is sooo hard to enjoy things when I know I'm months behind my payments and there's no source. But if other people have survived depression and calamities worse than this, I can survive too. I just have to hang in there. Honestly, I think you're doing fine considering what's going on with our economy. Just keep doing what you're doing.
splintered thing Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Right now we are in our honeymoon period and everything is perfect, but my bf is very ambitious (like me) and could view my situation negatively in a few months. But that's me being pessimistic. I know things will get better. I keep hoping and praying. It's true, he could view your situation differently...but that's not a given. Better to risk a possible problem in the future than create the certainty of a problem now by pushing him away. I wouldn't give up working on your own situation, but you might want to be careful to keep your own fears from becoming a bigger problem than your financial situation really is.
Author fabulous_chk Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 It's true, he could view your situation differently...but that's not a given. Better to risk a possible problem in the future than create the certainty of a problem now by pushing him away. I wouldn't give up working on your own situation, but you might want to be careful to keep your own fears from becoming a bigger problem than your financial situation really is. Yes, I understand this now. You guys have cleared my head a bit. I have refused to see him Friday and Saturday, but I will make it to him Sunday night. Thank you!
danny75 Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Best of luck in finding work, and hey stick with this guy, he clearly is a fantastic man.
fatamus Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 (edited) Would you keep dating a woman who is unemployed and not going to school? ************************ My situation: 7 months ago I had everything going - school, a LTR that I thought was going to lead to marriage after I graduate, and a bright, exciting future. Well, my ex was cheating on me. It destroyed my self-esteem obviously, messed up my head and my life. I have stopped school because I could not function. It's amazing that I passed all my exams with zero studying but I was really getting worse and I had no motivation. I quit school, I'm currently jobless, living with my family at 27, and my self-esteem is very low because I equate my worth with either school or a good-paying job, and I don't have either. I now have a new bf whom I love very much, but my situation is something I get embarassed about. I can't even discuss it with him. He's a high achiever - a Wall Street investor at 25, lives in Financial District in Manhattan. All his friends are high achievers too - college graduates with exciting jobs and high income. All within the 23-25 year old range. And here I am desperately looking for jobs. =( He loves me a lot but I keep pushing him away. He knows I'm looking for jobs and that I'm 20 credits away from graduating. He knows I live with my parents. He loves me and takes good care of me. But I'm disgusted with myself and I hate not being an "equal" in a relationship. I would date a girl with no job or school, sure why not. I was mentally destroyed by my cheating ex also, but i never lost my self esteem just drive/motivation and was in a very difficult place with nothing left. I got myself together, rose up stronger than ever before and got sh*t done. I am back in school, have a great girl i am dating, tons of friends and making more money than ever. My life is back to how i want it, we work hard and play hard. Don't let a rotten person or situation keep you down. I know this can be hard because i was in the same place but life goes on and life can very very good with the right attitude. Edit: Just wanted to add… When people give up on you and think you’re done for that’s when you need to find the inner strength to prove them wrong. My ex gave up on me/us, stopped believing in me and thought I wasn’t the same person anymore. She was right; now I have eclipsed my every achievement with a vengeance. People told me it couldn’t be done…… I did it. I outworked everyone and rebuilt myself. The power of believe. Edited October 4, 2009 by fatamus
aerogurl87 Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Aww well the fact that your trying is probably why he hasn't left. Seems to me that he knows the true meaning of empathy (a great trait to have I might add) and he's not going to hold your setbacks against you. I mean we can't control how the future goes. I myself had to drop out of college last year cause I couldn't really afford it and my parents refused to help out, but my boyfriend doesn't hold it against me because he knows how hard I'm trying to save up money and get back in there. So keep your head up and stay positive.
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 You don't have to think of another person before making a decisions. THAT is precisely my sticking point, lately. I'm not thrilled with MY current employment/education/living situation (it's not horrid, but I'm STILL not where I wanted to be at nearly 30 ) and I hate having to share my life details with somebody. It's not that I'm worried HE'LL judge me - I judge myself and I don't like it. It's exactly why I didn't want to get involved with anybody and yet, here I freaking am. LOL I feel for you, fab. The guy I'm dating is in a much better situation than me and it frustrates me. I'm not terribly impressed with myself.
Lucky_One Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 You mentioned that you are months behind in payments on things; he is an investment guy. Do whatever you can to get those payments up to speed - a money guy isn't going to be impressed with poor cash management, regardless of the reason. Take ANY sort of job - waitressing, etc. It doesn't sound like you have told him your financial issues; it might be time to be honest with him, even though you haven't really dated all that long. Sex and money are the biggest reasons why couples break up.
lino Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Would you keep dating a woman who is unemployed and not going to school? Yes I would.
Recommended Posts