harper5488 Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Some history of us: Met on myspace at the beginning of my senior year. We had a mutual friend that I went to school with and she went to church with. So i messaged her. long story short we ended up setting up a time to meet. love at first sight for me. I even remember asking myself what I was thinking before she walked up to me. She is beautiful. We fell in love our senior year in highschool and decided to go to college together. Our first Christmas together we decided to promise ourselves to eachother. We spent a semester in Oklahoma and I wasn't happy with the school and told her I wanted to switch. She said she would go with me. So we came home went to a community college for a semester. While at home I reconnected with some old friends. Went to a party without her (mistake i know) and kissed another girl, a short kiss not making out(mistake - broke her heart)... Didn't have the guts to tell her so the following tuesday she somehow knew that i had kissed another girl and called me to confront me, i did the stupid thing and finished my soccer game and then went to see her. we cried together. and eventually moved on. I have also told her lies about where I am or what I am doing, i guess just so i wouldn't have to deal with the drama. We have broken up before over stupid arguments and over stupid things. She has even dated before while we were broken up. This time just feels different and i dont know why. In the past I have been fine and hung out with friends and did my own thing while we were broken up. We always got back together. We went to college together again after the community college and things seemed great. We were great together at school. This past summer I got a job and spent a lot of my time at work, I would go over to her house every once in a while when I got off. Other times if I was too tired I would go home and go grab a bite with my friend since we had not eaten all day as we were both servers at a restaraunt. I knew she took offense to this because she said you tell me your too tired to drive out here but yet you go out with your friend. My excuse was her house was further than the restaraunt. Her house is about 20 minutes away and the restaraunt is about 2. In august we were broken up, she got me a card and wrote me a note in it. The card basically said that we had a different relationship but that she wouldnt trade it for anything and in it she wrote that she loved me and will always love me but just hasn't liked me recently. So from there we moved on and started college this year. Everything seemed fine. We were intimate, talked, spent time together. I even bought her a nintendo wii system for her bday which was Aug 31. 3 weeks ago my girlfriend said she needed space to "fix her and not have to worry about me." This was so unexpected. Just a few days before this I went to Texas A&M to visit my best friend from highschool. I asked her before I went and told her that I was thinking about going down there to visit. She said it was a good idea and that I should go because I hadn't seen him in a long time. She told me to call her when I got there, but instead I texted (mistake i know) but she didn't receive the text until 1 something in the morning when it was sent around 11. The next day i texted her when i woke up and the message was sweet and i tried letting her know i missed her. all i got back was hey. i could tell she didnt want to talk so i stopped texting. that night we went home and i tried texting her telling her im on my way home and was excited to see her. she was at a concert and didnt answer. she said she never got the text. so on the way home I had my freind trying to get ahold of her friends that she went to the concert with. finally after a couple of hours one answered and said my gf was upset with me and that they were fine. I was worried and she wouldnt answer... next few days she seemed very distant and wouldnt talk to me or text me or answer my phone calls. then she said she needed space to fix her. I flipped out and said all the dumb things I shouldnt have said... It hit me hard... Then she posted pics of her and another guy on her facebook the very next weekend. by this time she had already blocked me though, but my friend saw them and told me. I flipped out again... i tried calling her 100 times that night and texting and leaving voicemails. i basically did everything i shouldnt have and probably pushed her further. After a couple of days i wrote her a letter stating that I agreed with the space and apologising to her for the past mistakes I had made. I then would text her randomly just to say I'm here for you and I love you (mistake) she wouldnt reply. Then randomly she asked about a money situation so i replied that i had bigger things on my mind and we could talk about it later. That kind of made her mad. I told her i just needed closure. So one night I was going home and knew she would be close so I said call me so we can talk and meet. We met at a gas station and I gave her more letters of memories we had. She told me she just couldn't be with me right now. What does that right now mean? If she is truly over me and wants it to end why are our pictures still up on facebook? If she is truly over me why can't she meet me to tell me so I can get that closure? We were supposed to meet this past friday. I had called her thursday and she seemed receptive and we talked (small talk) for a few minutes then I said I wanted to meet. She said ok. So on friday when it was time i called with no answer so i texted a bit later. She just kept making excuses that she couldnt meet. so i tried to be more specific about a time on monday because she said monday would be better. then she said she would try. Im just so confused. This girl is the love of my life. We are young and immature and probably should have handled things differently in the past. But we also had all kinds of dreams together. House, family, dogs, jobs, everything. I want to be able to tell her that we were young and wish we would have met when we were both mature. But she keeps saying that she doesn't want to hear all the same stuff again that I said in the past like the "i will change and we are meant for eachother" which i turly believe we are. How do I show her I AM CHANGING? Even though we aren't together and she is hangin out with this other guy... Again she said she can't be with me right now... what does that mean and why is she hanging out with this other guy? Is she truly trying to just fix herself and get her confidence up or what? I guess I will try the whole no contact thing but I'm not sure how that will work?? It seems like she is just completely forgetting about me even after 3 years... but i know that can't be.. thats just what it seems like... I would appreciate everyone's input, but especially opinions from women who might have more insight. sorry this is so long... if you have any questions about our relationship to clear things up then ask. thanks
ohboy101 Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Sorry man. She is interested in someone else. You already know that (but are looking for any reason that it mat not be true). You can get her back. Just ignore her and date someone else. Don't obsess, call, text, or have your friends check on her. Move on . . . Overtime, she may realize what she dumped. Dude, you have been dumped. She is being nice. Move on. Sorry.
adamt Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 sorry but she is with someone else, she just doesnt have the guts to tell you. she is hoping you figure it out and just move on without causing her hassle. she is feeling guilty. focus on yourself, it is going to be hard. we have all been there. but stay strong and do not contact her, stay busy, join a gym and catch up with friends. then in a few months you will feel a lot better. the more you keep NC the quicker you will move on
EricaH329 Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Sorry man. She is interested in someone else. You already know that (but are looking for any reason that it mat not be true). You can get her back. Just ignore her and date someone else. Don't obsess, call, text, or have your friends check on her. Move on . . . Overtime, she may realize what she dumped. Dude, you have been dumped. She is being nice. Move on. Sorry. I'm sorry, but I fully disagree with this post. I'll tell you why... first of all, it's impossible for anyone to become fully over another person after a 3 year relationship within 3 weeks. She may have begun to move on, but there's no way she's completely over it. Second of all, don't ignore her. That's rediculous. From what you posted, it seems as though you had a part in why she broke up with you. I'm not saying that it's all your fault, but as a woman I know that we put up with a lotttt of sh*t from men, even after explaining to them repeatedly how what they are doing is making us feel. She just got to her breaking point. That being said, I think you are focusing on all the wrong things. You should be fully focused on trying to figure out how to better yourself. Do this for you, not for her. You said that you have changed, or are changing, and want to show that to her. Unfortunatly, that's going to take time. You can't just come out and say that you've changed. You need to have actually changed, which takes time. Let this play out. There isn't much of anything you can do right now. Focus on yourself. Try to improve yourself. We all have things we need to better about ourselves... work towards that. She will notice it if you are making an honest effort.
ATR Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 I'm sorry, but I fully disagree with this post. I'll tell you why... first of all, it's impossible for anyone to become fully over another person after a 3 year relationship within 3 weeks. She may have begun to move on, but there's no way she's completely over it. I disagree, she had probably moved on 2-3 months before she decided to pull the plug on him. In this time, he may no have realised it, but she was moving on to this new person. Second of all, don't ignore her. That's rediculous. From what you posted, it seems as though you had a part in why she broke up with you. I'm not saying that it's all your fault, but as a woman I know that we put up with a lotttt of sh*t from men, even after explaining to them repeatedly how what they are doing is making us feel. She just got to her breaking point. In this case, he should have said he was completely sorry for anything that he did to her, then go NC. She has to realise what she lost, he cant make her. What may be clear to women is not always the case for men (we are dumb sometimes:lmao:), men and women communicate differently. GENERALLY women will give subtle hints to let the guy know what he's doing wrong. Whereas men may perhaps blow up and be so upfront and to the point that its hurtful.
adamt Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 I disagree, she had probably moved on 2-3 months before she decided to pull the plug on him. In this time, he may no have realised it, but she was moving on to this new person. In this case, he should have said he was completely sorry for anything that he did to her, then go NC. She has to realise what she lost, he cant make her. What may be clear to women is not always the case for men (we are dumb sometimes:lmao:), men and women communicate differently. GENERALLY women will give subtle hints to let the guy know what he's doing wrong. Whereas men may perhaps blow up and be so upfront and to the point that its hurtful. Got to agree, happens so many times in relationships. my ex starting nit picking at things that were never a problem. looking back it was probably a sign she wasnt happy in other things. by the time it all comes out she is ready to move on. also like to ask harper5488 if the sex was getting less or stopped. less affectionate and returning compliments. all classic signs when someone is preparing themselves to leave a relationship. if only women would nbe more direct and a lot earlier if they had issues we cant read their minds
Nikki Sahagin Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 I don't think men and women behave in these stereotypical ways when they break up with someone. My ex acted like 'the woman' when he broke up with me. The sex/communication/affection went down hill and he couldn't explain to me what was wrong, nor even end the relationship to my face. So I got the 'mans' end of the deal with that one...
Author harper5488 Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 thank you all for your replies. adamt - no everything was fine. i had my own apartment and she would come spend the night a few nights a week. i hurt my knee in soccer and she offered to take me to the emergency room late that night and would even drive me to my classes. everything seemed fine. we were intimate and affectionate... the night i met her at a gas station last Friday, so 9 days ago, she said it again i just can't be with you right now. I had asked her to just break the news to my face because she hadn't yet. she still won't... is it because she can't bring herself to do so? or is she trying to still figure out things? i dont know, because we still have mutual friends on facebook and i see her post comments like... "i need a day... to... talk about stuff..." that was just the other day... the other day when i called about lunch she seemed receptive but then made up excuses not to meet when the time came... idk... just the thought of her with someone else is sickening. the thought of life without her is draining... i mean idk... should i demand she give me an explanation? i do derserve that much right?
Author harper5488 Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 In this case, he should have said he was completely sorry for anything that he did to her, then go NC. She has to realise what she lost, he cant make her. What may be clear to women is not always the case for men (we are dumb sometimes:lmao:), men and women communicate differently. GENERALLY women will give subtle hints to let the guy know what he's doing wrong. Whereas men may perhaps blow up and be so upfront and to the point that its hurtful. thats what i did in a sense. i wrote the first letter agreeing with the breakup and then apologized for the things i did in the past. but i would still text her a few times a day saying im here for you, i love you. mistake im sure? but then i went 3 days with NC then text messaged how are you doing and then we talked on the phone and everything seemed fine and she agreed to meet for lunch and then when the time came she made up excuses and used the " i dont want to hear the same stuff" so i told her that i did not want to rehash old arguments or anything like that, that i wanted to just sit down and have a nice lunch together. so we made somewhat plans for monday because she said that would be best. so when i tried to give a specific time she said "ill try" . she just doesn't seem like the person i know... its like she is just trying so hard to cut me out of her life and trying desperately to be happy again. i havent looked at the pictures of her and the new guy in a while but even the pictures look a little akward. atleast thats what me and my family and friends think. the guy tries to hug her and she just stands there with her arms at her side... idk. girls... what do you think? is she just trying to force herself to be happy again too soon or trying to piss me off? she has done stuff in the past to get revenge or what not... so idk
EricaH329 Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 I disagree, she had probably moved on 2-3 months before she decided to pull the plug on him. In this time, he may no have realised it, but she was moving on to this new person. I don't know this girl, and I'm not 100% on exactly how everything went down... so I can only speak from experience and what i've seen happen. That being said, i've been in love once in my life, and I was with the guy for a year. I was preparing myself to break up with him also before I actually broke up with him. No amount of preparation can fully heal someone. None. You gotta live through it. I'm still madly in love with him, granted it's only been about a month, but if you really love someone... it takes much longer to heal. In this case, he should have said he was completely sorry for anything that he did to her, then go NC. She has to realise what she lost, he cant make her. What may be clear to women is not always the case for men (we are dumb sometimes:lmao:), men and women communicate differently. GENERALLY women will give subtle hints to let the guy know what he's doing wrong. Whereas men may perhaps blow up and be so upfront and to the point that its hurtful. I do believe he should go NC, but at the same time... I don't think (in this particular situation) that he should completely ignore her right now. He wants to be back with her. Yes, she needs time to be able to realize what she lost, but when you lose something that wasn't so appealing to begin with (no offense, talking about the relationship not you as a person Harper) then you don't tend to go back to it. She needs to see the improvement that he's made. The changes he's made. I don't by any means believe that he should be banging down her door, or going to look for her... but if she wants to talk one day, I don't think he should blow her off.
Odyssey Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Hey Harper, this has hit you harder because this time, you think it might be the end and she's not coming back again. And you don't have a simple answer from her... i doubt you will find one on LS either, since we don't know enough about her. Maybe she's finally had enough. But obviously, if you keep chasing her it will only push her further away. So i think you're gonna need to back off a bit and give her the space she needs. By the way, has she ever said, 'things are still the same'? Anything like that?
Author harper5488 Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 Erica - thank you for your input. but how do i show her the changes i have made? odyssey - i know i cant keep chasing her its just hard... and no she never said anything to that effect like things are still the same or anything like that... one thing she loved in the beginning was going to church together... then as time passed it just got easier for me not to go i guess in part to her not asking anymore... im not sure... I have since started going to church though but not the church she goes to... would it be a good idea to go to the church she goes to? so she can see me... making the changes... also i was thinking about sending an email one last time... she said that we could try to meet tomorrow so i will send an email about that and add how i feel... i guess ill post up a rough draft here in a little bit and see what you guys think... I'd like to hear your thoughts as well Erica since you are a woman.
boogieboy Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 (edited) Erica - thank you for your input. but how do i show her the changes i have made? also i was thinking about sending an email one last time... she said that we could try to meet tomorrow so i will send an email about that and add how i feel... i guess ill post up a rough draft here in a little bit and see what you guys think... I'd like to hear your thoughts as well Erica since you are a woman. Harper, theres nothing you can do to show her anything. She doesnt care how you feel, she doesnt want to hear it. Write the letter and dont send it. You need to move on, since she already moved on with someone else. She had been eyeing this guy for a while, and its much easier for her to be with him since she fell out of love with you long ago. In a breakup , you NEVER believe what they say, only their actions. All you can do is ignore her and leave her alone for a few months. She needs to miss you and she cant when you are still in touch with her. She wont want to meet with you if she knows you will beg for her back. Your only hope is she breaks it off with this guy after a few months. She might come looking for you, and only THEN can you show her youve changed. Right not her focus is on the new guy. You will only be a nuisance at this point. Also, getting back with someone you left is like going back to a job you hated. To go back to this job willingly, the place would have to be totally different, better pay, better benefits, and the supervisor you hated would have to be replaced. People generally dont move backwards to the same thing and make it work. Edited October 4, 2009 by boogieboy
Author harper5488 Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 little update - I had not talked to her since last friday when she said she was too busy to meet up this weekend . So I called today but no answer so she texted me back about 10 minutes later saying sorry i missed your call. we text messaged back and forth and basically she said that she is pretty busy but that we can maybe meet tonight or tomorrow so i said i would touch base with her later and go from there and she told me to just text her later so i said ok and that was that... also there are no new pics of her and that guy in about a week and half... not to say there aren't any or she hasn't been hanging with him.. she just hasn't posted new pics... im going to stay posotive but a minimal posotive and just think that its nice she is atleast responding to me and even considering meeting up for a little bit. praying. thoughts?
boogieboy Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 little update - I had not talked to her since last friday when she said she was too busy to meet up this weekend . So I called today but no answer so she texted me back about 10 minutes later saying sorry i missed your call. we text messaged back and forth and basically she said that she is pretty busy but that we can maybe meet tonight or tomorrow so i said i would touch base with her later and go from there and she told me to just text her later so i said ok and that was that... also there are no new pics of her and that guy in about a week and half... not to say there aren't any or she hasn't been hanging with him.. she just hasn't posted new pics... im going to stay posotive but a minimal posotive and just think that its nice she is atleast responding to me and even considering meeting up for a little bit. praying. thoughts? LEAVE........ HER........ ALONE! She cant miss you if youre still bugging her while shes trying to move on. There is absolutely nothing you can say that she wants to hear. Read this whole thread starting with this post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=196251&page=3
adamt Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 LEAVE........ HER........ ALONE! She cant miss you if youre still bugging her while shes trying to move on. There is absolutely nothing you can say that she wants to hear. Read this whole thread starting with this post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=196251&page=3 I love reading boogieboy's reply's. I can imagine him tearing his hair out and kicking his computer when he reads people who keep contacting their ex when the ex says they want a break. if only people would follow his advice. I left my ex alone once we broke up.
boogieboy Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 I love reading boogieboy's reply's. I can imagine him tearing his hair out and kicking his computer when he reads people who keep contacting their ex when the ex says they want a break. if only people would follow his advice. I left my ex alone once we broke up. haha Adam, its a catch 22. I am pulling my hair out trying to help ,but Ive been there when you ask the same question 50 times because you dont get an answer that makes a switch go off in your head. All you can do is keep rephrasing the answer until something clicks.
adamt Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 (edited) haha Adam, its a catch 22. I am pulling my hair out trying to help ,but Ive been there when you ask the same question 50 times because you dont get an answer that makes a switch go off in your head. All you can do is keep rephrasing the answer until something clicks. I've been there too, when we first split up i searched on the internet looking for answers to fix things, trying to find a situation exacty like mine and hoping for a winning formula to make things fixed. Everyone thinks their split is unique. In the bigger picture, the detail maybe different but it is the same ****! your world falls apart. When i first came on forums like this i took in the advice given out and just stayed NC. it hurt like hell but i kept at it. i felt i had told her how i felt so what was the point in making contact. I spoke to friends who have been through break ups. then after a few weeks of living in a black hole(couldnt eat and sleep.etc) i decided that i had to mend myself. no one is going to do it. Love is an addiction and just like alcohol, to recover you have to want to recover. And cut that link. Go tee-total! So i started to work on myself, joined a gym cos i couldnt face nights in on my own. caught up with old friends, ate really healthy, and so on. blocked her on social websites. So here i am 4 months on and lost 14lbs, toned up.(5ft 11 and now 165lbs) fitter, got back my confidence?(who wants to date someone with no confidence and looks sad). got intouch with friends. everyone says i look well. took up new hobbies and interests(this helps to meet someone else cos you sound interesting and have stuff to talk about) playing golf and learning to snowboard. do more hiking and so on. Looking to expand my network of friends I do still miss my ex, and have sad days but i have learned to keep things at the back of my mind. I realise i will not get closure from her or get my questions answered. So have to move on and let go. So tonight i joined a dating website and within 15 minutes someone added me as a favourate.3 hours later,9 have added me to their favourates. None catch my eye, but gives me confidence to add people to my favourates. and now i feel a bit excited about who i may meet. I'm 38 and a 31 year old added me to her favourates. all these little things help rebuild your confidence. its all a new experience. And thats people need to focus on when recoving from a break up I am sorry to go off at a tangent!but i hope it gives some people confidence and determination to move on. Boogieboy, you come across blunt and pessimistic but that is the reality of the situation and people need to see that. there is no magic formula to fix the relationship. All you can do is make sure they know how you feel, then leave them alone, dont look in the rear view mirror and focus what is over that big hill Edited October 5, 2009 by adamt
boogieboy Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Boogieboy, you come across blunt and pessimistic but that is the reality of the situation and people need to see that. there is no magic formula to fix the relationship. All you can do is make sure they know how you feel, then leave them alone, dont look in the rear view mirror and focus what is over that big hill I try not to be pessimistic, but after seeing so much of the same thing on this site, the reality is a downer no matter how I phrase it. There never is light at the end of a tunnel for a dumpee.
adamt Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 I try not to be pessimistic, but after seeing so much of the same thing on this site, the reality is a downer no matter how I phrase it. There never is light at the end of a tunnel for a dumpee. I can see exactly where you are coming from. I just hate seeing people(expecially young people) wasting time clinging onto things for too long. i look back at my teens and twenties and regret a few opportunities. As you get older the the choices shrinks. But when you are young you take the choices and opportunities for granted thinking it wil always be like that. the amount of fish in the sea get less as you get older, then it is harder to get them to take the bate
Author harper5488 Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 well we talked today through text messages. basically she came up with the idea to meet tomorrow night at 8 at starbucks. i said ok and ill touch base with her tomorrow and left it at that. then she came back at said alrighty sounds good : ) then asked if we could talk about the tv money situation so i said sure. that was that... so should i just keep things light and just keep the conversation focussed on her? make her feel that im interested in her and her life and whats been going on? and i guess if she brings up the tv or the break up then we can talk about it... and ill just keep a posotive attitude keep it light and focussed on her. and in a sense we will just be "catching up"
vivrantflo Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 She will bring up the TV and money, cause that's all she cares about right now. I've been in your shoes, and Im telling you, you're better off not even meeting up with her. You're just going to torture yourself. Listen to the advice that was given on here, cause it's 100% true. She has her eyes set on another dude, and the novelty towards him is fresh. There's nothing you can say, do, or show her, that will change her mind. IF she is ever going to change her mind, it is because she'll be missing you, and wondering what you're up to.. oh, and things have to go belly up with the other guy. In other words, it's not worth waiting around for her. Block her on every form of communication, and try to excrete her from your life.
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