scalcs Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Long story short, married to wife for 10 years, been together for 12 years, have two great children togwether. We have been separated for 6 months, in the beging it was easy for me, but roughly 2 months ago I had trouble coping with it, we separated for couple reasons, finanacially and becuase i was emotional abusive with my mouth becuase of it. I tried to reconcile about two months ago, but to no avail, she told me that she does not hav ethe same feelings, and we are not good together. I had a hard tme with this, but I moved on. Wiorked on myself to better myself, lost 25 lbs, bought some new cloths, and have been going to consuelor to help me with my verbal anger. I also went to metataion to help, I have have been doing great got out of my depression, and feeling good about myself, went on a couple of dates nothing serious just fun. Anyway, the other day i went with ex wife and kids apple picking, we do this annually, kids would not go with her unless I came, so I figured for the children i would do this, we had great time got along with ex , wonderful day>>when i dropped them off I gave her a light kiss on the cheek, and she turned in to give me a kiss as well, something she has not done for some time. Did not think much about it, anyway I went home and only one kid came with me becuase i get them on friday nights, the other one was not feeling well and wanted to stay with mom. Around 11:00 pm she calls me, but I did not have cell with me it was upstairs, I called back around midnight, and asked what she wanted, she asked if the youngest son was asleep, she said she was bored, and wanted to see if I would like to go over and watch a movie with her. I live at my floks house so, my parents are there. This seems like she wanted some quiet time with me, but am i just kidding myself. I have treated her with respect , and dignity for the last month and half. I had no contact with her for about three weeks after my try at reconcillation, and after I sent her an e-mail stating that I feel better, and would treat her with respect, and told her that I knew the breakup was for the best, and wished her hapiness in the future. Am i reading into this too much, becuase i have finaly got myself back emotioanlly, I just do not want to fall for a trap, and confuse what she is doing. what does everyone think, I do not want to put myself in position to be hurt again.Well, On sat night me and my ex watched a movie together, then slept together, it was great, but she said she was just lonely, and wanted to be friends with benifits>.i am not really up for this, i told her I did not think it was a good idea at first, then she said becuase you love me>> I changed my mind again, and we have had sex 4 times this past week, we hug, and kiss each other, but she insists it is just physical>>how can i truly know her intetions>>she said i could find someon, and you could find someone, but she also thinks we are doing so well apart, and does not want to go back into tough times, also she has not told me about the loss of feelings like she said two months ago, she said the main factor is that she is afraid of going back together and fighting>>am i wasting my time
Blair Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Okay! This is my first time replying to a post so please bear with me! I've been going through a couple of the posts and tbh i found ur 1 to be most interesting. Life is hard enough when ur trying to 4get about sum1 and the way u feel about them! but is it healthy to act like ur still in a relationship when ur not? I wud think not! Of course it probably seems easier to go back into the same routine.. especially if there are kids involved. but is she just using u for her physical needs? Ask urself this.. if she found another man.. that could fullfill her needs.. wud she still be having sex with you? i suppose its okay to have sex with an ex wife as long as u dont get sucked bak into all the feelings u had 4 her before.. u might end up wanting her more in the end! i think it wud be a gud idea to get out ther and date other ppl! giv it a few months... maybe 2 or 3.. and see if u still feel the same way about her? do u still need her as much as u used to? i think u can be become independant if u want.. u just have to know wat u want... u already know wat she wants.. she wants a non commited relationship wit sum1 shes alredy comfortable around.. but what do u want?
Logik Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 What does friends with benefits mean anyway? It means you are friends and you have sex. At the core, this is what a relationship is, except a relationship is exclusive. She wants what your marriage was without the commitment. She only wants the good things and isn't willing to have the difficulties. Reconciliation should have it's stages and I think that sex should be the last thing that you get back within your relationship. She doesn't seem to want to reconcile and is using you for her own pleasure. It's because she has power over you and can string you along like a puppet, using your emotions to get exactly what she wants. Don't do this to yourself. I think it's gonna make it worse for you. You'll probably have to go back down that slippery slope very soon and find yourself where you were 2 months ago. Be careful. Think about what you want from her, and if she can't offer it, don't dwell on it and move on. Dangerous games you be playing.
LakesideDream Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Reconcilliation may have stages... maybe this is his ex's first stage. If he wants her back, it's always going to be on her terms. If he can deal with the emotions, he's better off than he was.
2.50 a gallon Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 I have lots of confliting rambling thoughts You are separated, not divorced, you are still husband and wife. You hurt her, she hurt you, this give you some insight as to what she is feeling. After the separatation you busted your ass trying to change and get her to notice. Maybe she has noticed and is again attracted to you. She might not be saying so, but it seems possible that she is acting on it. Remember she is just as afraid as you of being hurt again Sex 4 times in the past week, lots of kissing and hugging. There are a lot of guys on this board who would kill to be in your shoes. In fact they would kill just to be able to hold their wifes hand Don't have sex with her, make love to her, she is still your wife. It is your choice, it can be you she sleeps with or some other guy. She is not cheating on you. Sounds like for now you have the inside track There are no guarantees. You could be putting yourself in a position to be hurt again. But someday if you ever want to experience love again, you are going to have to make yourself vulnerable to another woman. The two of you have a long sexual history and it could be she is simply comforatable with you and she is horny. Still 4 times in a week, with lots of hugging and kissing. Hummm! It is your life
Logik Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Reconcilliation may have stages... maybe this is his ex's first stage. If he wants her back, it's always going to be on her terms. If he can deal with the emotions, he's better off than he was. You could be right Lakeside. I let my situation and other's stories affect what I replied. Everyone is different. Every situation is different. scalcs, just be careful. Listen to what she is saying.
Author scalcs Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 should i just be honet withher, and tell her that I am not comfortable with this arrangement, and if she does not want relationship, than I cannot be there for her in that way
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