Cant get rid of these completely irrational thoughts

[thelipless]

This is my first step in seeking help about this "problem" I have. Its a problem I have with both the relationship with my girlfriend and also family, friends and work. Its a problem which no one knows about but myself. I don't know if its a recognized way of thinking, or if what I think about is normal, or if other people think like this. I want to know.

 

Some background information.

 

I have a girlfriend of 10 months, I am 23 years old. She loves me, and theres nothing she has done that suggests she will cheat on me or cause issues in our relationship - this is a random note, but is important to know.

 

For now I'm going to focus on how these thoughts I'm having are related to my girlfriend. This is the area were I feel I have the most trouble. I hope this makes sense, i have problems expressing myself in written form.

 

I have very very irrational thoughts which are mainly about my girlfriend. These thoughts mainly involve me running through my head what I think my girlfriend will do to cause problems in our relationship. Such as cheating on me, or doing something that will really disappoint me. I feel I have these thoughts to basically prepare me for the worst, so if the thoughts I have actually happen, I know exactly what to say and do in that situation. These thoughts are pretty much like a movie, I think about every single word she might say, and my reply to it. These thoughts always involve me ending up being the victim. These thoughts always make it so my girlfriend is the bad person.

 

An example of one of the thoughts I had. We were both invited to a party a few weeks ago. There was this guy writing on her face book, all innocent things, but for some reason i let it bother me, and had this idea that my girlfriend was into this guy. He was also going to attend this party. This is where the thoughts start. My first thought was that I would catch her kissing this guy at the party. I ran through my head all the dialogue that would take place and all the things I would do when i caught them. I basically had this idea in my head right up until the party. Turned out the guy didn't even come to the party.

 

The other thing that was on my mind was that I wasn't going to drive us to the party, we were going to get a lift from her friends. However for the week leading up to the party I had the thought in my head that my girlfriend was going to tell me that we couldn't get a lift and that I had to drive. I had all the dialogue in my head about her calling me and saying "is it fine if you give us a lift to the party?" and me saying how i think shes not trying hard enough in the relationship and that she doesn't want me to have a good time, and all this other random stuff to basically make her feel bad. Again, my thoughts were completely irrational and we got a lift to the party.

 

These are two examples of these "thoughts" i have. I also have the same thoughts with my friendships and work, however they are not as intense as the thoughts I have regarding my girlfriend.

 

They get so intense sometimes that I get anxiety symptoms.

 

I'm kinda stuck at the moment, I really need to work out how to deal with these thoughts. They completely control me sometimes.

[JaggedRoad]

You're being paranoid. I used to be like that too. It might help if you talk it out with your girlfriend.

[Kamobo]

The problem you have is your perception. The feelings you describe are true, and very real, and of great concern. However, it is your focus that decide what you see, not the other way around.

 

Consider a person who has a rabbit farm. He is very concerned for their health and well being and knows that rabbits will get poisoned and die if they eat buttercup flowers. Now, because his focus is the well being of his rabbits, he will automatically see buttercups everywhere and wonder where they all came from.

 

You can try this yourself:

Find every item in the room you are in that is red. Now close your eyes.

 

How many blue items were there in your room?

 

 

What I am trying to say is that your problem is your focus. You put all your focus on your girlfriend instead of focusing on your life. You might not like to hear it, but girls like men who are engaged and focused in something they want to achieve. So your concern might be the actual problem - worrying won't make your worst fears disappear, they'll most likely increase their chances.

 

I'm not trying to push you down further into the spiral of negative thoughts, quite the opposite! This should be a great opportunity. Avert your attention from your girlfriend into something you want to accomplish, and you will notice all kinds of interesting things (like your girlfriend focusing on you, instead of the other way around).

 

I hope this helps,

Kamobo

[Dooda]

Kamboo, your thoughts are not abnormal. They are irrational, but they're not abnormal. You're probably going through some stress, and that's why your perception of your relationship with your girlfriend as well as with other people is distorted. I have the exact same problem, but my symptoms don't end at the irrational thinking. I do think really stupid thoughts about people in general, that I know are irrational but that I can't seem to shake off.

 

Perhaps you need to let off some steam and find the reason behind your anxiety, and WHY you're feeling these irrational thoughts. Maybe talk with your girlfriend about the thoughts, and it'll help release any tension you have in yourself and towards her.

As long as you don't have any other symptoms of anxiety (i.e panic attacks, depersonalisation, confusion, racing thoughts), then you should be fine and just try to control these thoughts and use rational thinking to counterbalance the irrational thoughts that your having. If your feeling any other anxiety symptoms, then try and get some help.

One thing that might help is that whenever you get an irrational thought, put it down on paper. Then, seperate what may be truth about your irrational thought and what may not be truth. Writing it on paper will help your mind to rationalize and understand that in fact, once you go through it, it doesn't make sense.

Hope this helps.