To those of you looking for closure...very very long - sorry

[Phedre]

To those of you looking for closure I thought I'd share my most recent attempt at getting it myself. When you get that urge to blurt out 'why don't you love me' to your ex, or get that urge to break the NC rule you have been trying to hard to stick to, when you think if you 'just knew' then you too could move on with your life, think about the story below and maybe it can help you stay on the right track and away from your ex:

 

My stbx called yesterday to ask about our storage/rental unit as he is getting everything out of there so we can cancel it. This simple phone call (while I haven't been NC, I have been keeping the phone calls 'business' matters only as we are still working out the details of our D so I don't feel NC is an option. And yes, NC/LC really REALLY does help you heal) turned in to me pathetically asking him if he was happy now and did he miss me... Can you imagine? There I am trying to sound as cool as he does and am finally *not crying*, thinking I am doing damn good and then I have to blurt out something so desperate! Nothing more appealing than 'don't you miss me' said in a voice thick with tears.

 

Trust me guys and gals, you don't want to know how they are doing because hurtful truth is, they are going to be doing better than you are doing... and having this thought confirmed (you already know it to be true becuase they left, they are with someone new, they are doing whatever but whatever it is, it isn't with you. They are so far ahead of us on the 'getting over us' track that it is hard to believe you were even in the same relationship) won't make you feel any better or make your chest ache less, or give you a leg up in getting over them. It will only set you back.

 

Having my stbx tell me 'Yes, I miss you. I stare at our wedding pictures and I breakdown and cry. But I also feed bad because I don't feel as bad as I thought I would or as I feel I should. I feel like I should miss you more, I feel like I shouldn't be able to function. But yeah, I'm fine. Relieved really more than anything as bad as that sounds to say.'

 

And then he proceeded to tell me about things (work and school wise) he wants to do now that he didn't have the motivation to do when we were married because it would have involved him being gone for extended periods of time, but now he is 'really excited' about his options. He takes 'full responsibility' for the marriage ending but he 'has so many issues and I recognize that now. I just have too many issues to be with anyone.' And while he readily admits that having those issues isn't good he 'isnt sure when or if' he will ever be ready to work through them.

 

WTF. Glad you are excited about your options and your future, meanwhile I have NOTHING because I built my life around YOU. What do I get for moving with him as his job dictated? Nothing except being a broke ex-wife who has to move back in with her parents and scramble to find a new full time job so she can have health insurance.

 

My point being, hearing him finally admit to his share of what went wrong in the marriage instead of just his standard 'you can't get over the past' line doesn't make me feel any better. I thought it would. Really, I thought it would give me that strength I needed to 'just get over it.' But it didn't at all. In fact it makes me feel worse that he can SEE he has issues he needs to fix, but instead of actively working on them and staying married, he would rather just give himself a few years of single, carefree, beer drinking, xbox playing, bar hoppin woman chasin living to work through things. He would rather be single than be married. Otherwise he would be doing whatever it took to be married. Our marriage, I, am not worth the effort to make changes he admits he needs to make. And when I look at it that way, frankly I don't *want* to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me in return, for whatever reason. Your ex doesn't want to be with you either. She/He would rather be single than be in a relationship with you. Any regret or sadness or missing yous they feel are far outweighed by the relief that the realtionship is over. They too have moments where they waver and remember the good times, but unlike us, they let those moments quickly pass as memories do and then go right back to doing whatever great thing they are doing in their new great life. A life that is great because it doesn't have you in it. I'm not trying to be mean to any of us, I'm just trying to be honest... they don't want us. So why are we wasting our time and energy on them? Regardless of how good it was in the past, right now, this moment in the present, they do not want to be with us. And that fact outweighs any number of year spent together in any varying degree of happiness.

 

So yes, I have 'closure' but getting that doesn't impart any understanding of why someone can treat you so horribly while telling you they love you. You are never going to understand 'why' they did what they did, even if they honestly give you every single one of their reasons. You are two fundementally different people in fundementally different places emotionally; and as such are never going to be able to understand how the other sides's brain works. I'll never understand the cheating, I'll never understand the lying, I'll never understand how you can willing let something you claim to love go because you aren't willing to put effort in to keeping it. I had gone a whole week without crying, I had even spoken to him and been fine, but when I got off the phone with him after getting my 'closure' I cried just as hard as I did the first night. I'm better today but even still I can feel the saddness weighing on me heavier than it was. And now I also have to deal with feelings of disliking myself for behaving so pathetic and weak.

 

Stbx is under the false impression we can 'get back together in 3 or 4 years when he all his '**** worked out'... So wasting 3 years of my life with him already wasn't sufficent, now I should waste an additional 3 years waiting on him? I wish my stbx love, happiness, and peace, but he will never again be with me. Your ex already had however many months or years with you. And now you are giving them even more of your life, but this time they don't even want it! But every day you hold on to them, try to get them back you, or let them in anyway impact your life (from not getting out of bed, to not taking that new job, to not going out with friends) are giving them that day. And you should be giving that day to yourself and to the person you will are going to meet who wants and appreciates it.

 

So what good is closure with your ex?... it isn't good for anything. It will only make you upset all over again, make you lose any ground you had gained and give you a whole new set of things to obsess about/pine over/analyze/drive yourself crazy over.

 

The only closure that can help you move on is closure you find within yourself. Knowing that you loved and you lost and you learned and it is over for a reason. Maybe you can think of ten reasons or can't think of a single reason - even if you don't know what the reason is, there is still a reason.

 

In the end, WE are the ones keeping ourselves from moving on, not our ex's. WE are the ones who keep holding on, picking at scabs, disrespecing ourselves while our ex's move right on along. WE are hurting ourselves. I am the one who made myself cry until I puked last night, NOT my ex. It can't be our ex's fault as they aren't around anymore! So why would we want to hurt ourselves? We don't - we need to stop. The more time we waste being masochistic, the less time we have to spend with the person who DOES EXIST that will make us realize that the ending we are all currently struggling through was really just the beginging of something more wonderful than we thought possible.

 

I apologize for this being so long to anyone who took the time to read it. Just needed to get it out. And maybe someone who was feeling like I was last week can read it, maybe take some solace and not repeat my mistakes. Maybe.

[mickleb]

This is worth the read.

 

You have emerged one wise lady.

 

I like this:

 

every day you hold on to them, try to get them back you, or let them in anyway impact your life (from not getting out of bed, to not taking that new job, to not going out with friends) are giving them that day. And you should be giving that day to yourself and to the person you will are going to meet who wants and appreciates it

 

I think this is a very powerful idea to hold onto when the wistfulness takes hold..

 

Thanks Phedre. You get back to looking after yourself, now. You have moved along but this new pain will just need to interrupt that, for a little while. All the healing you have done will return soon, don't worry. x

[angelface78]

This comes a little too late I behaved pathetically and emailed my ex a letter i had written a month ago. Now i had anxiety attacks since i sent it and now am wondering ...if he read the ****in email. Why did i send it?? To get closure....NOT FEELING IT!!! Im pathetic and now he will know it too once he reads the email. I just want to die!!!

[Phedre]

Thanks for the encouragment Mickleb

 

Angel - I really know how you are feeling. Can't shake those feelings of regret and anxiousness... you can't unsend the letter. But you CAN call this your 'end' point. So you 'knew' you shouldn't contact the ex before, but know you know, personally, for sure just why you shouldn't do it. So try to turn this 'mistake' in to a learning experience and use it to keep yourself from doing something possibly more drastic in the future. As hard as it will be, stop obsessing about if he will read and delete it or reply and what will he say or think. He is no longer someone whos opinion matters in your life. Period. So what if he thinks anything negative about you. You know and we here at LS know that you are going through a painful time and like any of us have had your 'wtdf did I just do?' moments. Forgive yourself for it and let it go. Give yourself the gift of closure, you don't need anything from your ex. Best wishes and keep your head up

[angelface78]

PHEDRE,

 

Thank you..i will try to move on from this. Big mistake, but thats it...i cant do anything else. At least i said all i needed to say and now its over. I will give myself that closure. I gotta come back from the dead and start living again.

[Aurelian]

I am going through something similar. I am on the road to recovery with a few dips. I like the sentiment: "Why am I giving this person even one second of my time when they don't want to be with me. That is OVER!!". Oh I will still go through the want and longing but it will get less and less as time goes by until......nothing. And I am getting better with every passing day. Life is short and death is forever so don't waste one second of time on someone that does not want to be with you. You do not get that second back.

[Lamak]

Very good post, something all newcomers should read.

 

One thing I noticed from reading your post is that it sounds like you still have some resentment towards your ex. I don't think dumpees should hate their exs, they should learn to accept the ex's decision instead of holding a grudge subconsciously. You shouldn't hold their life hostage just because they don't want to be in yours.

 

Just my two cents.

[icyness]

Phedre, excellent post. I think you hit the nail on the head with all your points. It is so bizarre knowing what our actions will result in, yet so many times (in the beginning more so than anything) we just want to go ahead with it anyways. (Telling them off, finding out all the "answers" contacting, etc.)

 

It's still a struggle every minute, but like you said, we're better off not knowing, not speaking to them.

I'd love to believe there's more to it than what it is in reality, but obviously that's what we all want in the end; that the way the left us and left things can't really be how it is...but it is.

That's why there's never really any closure as far as what they give us goes. Nothing we ever find out would be enough or acceptable.

If it was, they wouldn't have left in the first place.

[Phedre]

Very good post, something all newcomers should read.

 

One thing I noticed from reading your post is that it sounds like you still have some resentment towards your ex. I don't think dumpees should hate their exs, they should learn to accept the ex's decision instead of holding a grudge subconsciously. You shouldn't hold their life hostage just because they don't want to be in yours.

 

Just my two cents.

 

 

Ok, you caught me.. I do still have some resentment towards my ex! I don't want it, but it is there. I think it resufaced some during that whole conversation with him yesterday and writing this today because I was reminded of all that I am being forced to change as a result of our D and how his life is better than ever. Orior to yesterday's conversation I was starting to move more of the view point that I feel sorry for him because as long he keeps up his pattern of behavior will will never really feel love, hapiness or contentment. I wish him and his next love lots of luck but really all I feel is sad for them both.

 

Any tips on how to let go of the resenment? I've tried the 'well he is losing out on something, ME' and the 'better to have happened now that 10 years, two kids, and a mortgage later.' Grr it just chaps my rear the man is going to do all he was done and admit to everything... and then argue with me about exactly why he has to pay for this or that on the joing credit card bill. Oh, yep, there is that resentment again Advice is welcomed!

[Turista]

I'm another one in detox/recovery and while my unfortunate relationship was a little under a year and a half, I find myself mourning the loss more than my 13-year marriage, and that's... just... wrong...

 

Because in the end it was a case of chemistry over compatibility with what I cannot believe was anything less than an alcoholic full blown NPD, but of course I didn't know that at first and such was the road to hell paved.

 

But on a brighter note, my ex-wife and I eventually reconciled as friends and when she admitted what she had done was basically crazy, I got a lot of closure out of it and I forgave her because we're all fools from time to time. And she's gotten serious mileage out of talking me through this latest relationship experiment of mine.

 

So after all that back story, what's my point? You might just get the closure you seek 3 or 4 years down the load like I did. But by then, you will have moved on and changed as a person and there's no way I suspect you'll want to be back with him. I had that option when we reconciled and it had no appeal to me by then.

 

Good luck, I feel your pain both in terms of my divorce and what I'm going through now...

[Phedre]

Because in the end it was a case of chemistry over compatibility with what I cannot believe was anything less than an alcoholic full blown NPD, but of course I didn't know that at first and such was the road to hell paved.QUOTE]

 

 

Um, WOW Turista... you just like shined a spot light in to my eyes or opened a door or something, Chemistry over Compatibility perfectly describes me and the stbx.. never had occured to me to think of it that exact way.. what a perfect phrase. ... Oh and alcoholic and NPD contributing (or causing) issues, sounds like our ex's are cut from the same cloth. ...

 

Do you think you were able to accept the closure from your ex wife because you had moved on? If she had said the same things when y'all first split would it have had the same impact/meant the same to you?

 

Thanks for the more optamistic outlook on closure

Sorry we shopped for material at the same fabric store

[Lamak]

Ok, you caught me.. I do still have some resentment towards my ex! I don't want it, but it is there. I think it resufaced some during that whole conversation with him yesterday and writing this today because I was reminded of all that I am being forced to change as a result of our D and how his life is better than ever. Orior to yesterday's conversation I was starting to move more of the view point that I feel sorry for him because as long he keeps up his pattern of behavior will will never really feel love, hapiness or contentment. I wish him and his next love lots of luck but really all I feel is sad for them both.

 

Any tips on how to let go of the resenment? I've tried the 'well he is losing out on something, ME' and the 'better to have happened now that 10 years, two kids, and a mortgage later.' Grr it just chaps my rear the man is going to do all he was done and admit to everything... and then argue with me about exactly why he has to pay for this or that on the joing credit card bill. Oh, yep, there is that resentment again Advice is welcomed!

First thing you have to do is stay away from him and cut all contact. Blocking everything is the simplest way to do this. Talking to him will only make you angry, but he's essentially not the same person (lover) you once knew. After about 2 weeks or so of that, then it should be easier to follow through on those thoughts like "His lost" and "I don't need him".

[Turista]

Because in the end it was a case of chemistry over compatibility with what I cannot believe was anything less than an alcoholic full blown NPD, but of course I didn't know that at first and such was the road to hell paved.QUOTE]

 

 

Um, WOW Turista... you just like shined a spot light in to my eyes or opened a door or something, Chemistry over Compatibility perfectly describes me and the stbx.. never had occured to me to think of it that exact way.. what a perfect phrase. ... Oh and alcoholic and NPD contributing (or causing) issues, sounds like our ex's are cut from the same cloth. ...

 

Do you think you were able to accept the closure from your ex wife because you had moved on? If she had said the same things when y'all first split would it have had the same impact/meant the same to you?

 

Thanks for the more optamistic outlook on closure

Sorry we shopped for material at the same fabric store

 

You're welcome! I'm just glad to hear this exercise in unpleasant attachment is doing someone some good, and about your questions:

 

If she had admitted these things before I had moved on, I would have been tempted to take her back despite her dumping me. I took the damned narcissist back twice, and I learned today during one of the rebounds she was cavorting with an Internet porn star, so the thought of taking back my mostly sane and reasonable ex-wife would definitely have occurred to me then.

 

But I gotta say learning that church attending pretentious little Ms. Perfect from the uber-rich catholic family was dating some guy dealing and sometimes even acting in Internet porn may have helped nudge me towards closure because that's just ridiculous. I don't think her family would have approved but maybe that was the point. And um, who cares? Perhaps your ex can do something equally bizarre to help destroy the mystique he still holds for you.

[Phedre]

Well Turista - he actually is doing something bizarre to help destroy the mystique he holds ... being himself. Once the rose colored glasses are off,the lenses have been shattered and the frames bent who he is without his 'act' on is sad. Oh but those darn narcissist know just how to push your when they want to! lol Thankfully, I don't wear glasses of any kind anymore

 

And yeah, your ex sounds particulary crazy. Good thing you got out before some serious ties, like kids or a mortgage, were involved. Can you imagine.. 'where is mommy?' 'she is doing a lesbian love scene right now honey, she will be home later'

[Turista]

Well Turista - he actually is doing something bizarre to help destroy the mystique he holds ... being himself. Once the rose colored glasses are off,the lenses have been shattered and the frames bent who he is without his 'act' on is sad. Oh but those darn narcissist know just how to push your when they want to! lol Thankfully, I don't wear glasses of any kind anymore

 

And yeah, your ex sounds particulary crazy. Good thing you got out before some serious ties, like kids or a mortgage, were involved. Can you imagine.. 'where is mommy?' 'she is doing a lesbian love scene right now honey, she will be home later'

 

Funny you should mention lesbian love scene...

 

In the last 2 weeks of the relationship, she started asking me to pay for things I really shouldn't be paying for (wedding presents for her friends, tickets to events she was supposedly inviting me to etc) in an attempt to push my buttons so I'd do the dirty work (which I didn't) and then topped it off by posting a facebook photo of herself and a nude model friend humping each other as they grabbed each other's boobs and butts. Typical Girls Gone Wild stuff but see below.

 

Given that the breakup was 48 hours away at this point (but I didn't know it at the time), I just blew it off as an attempt by her to get my goat (which it did but I didn't show it). Anyway, she's 43, a realtor, and all I responded with when I saw it was "Looks like someone's closing escrow."

 

She wasn't amused...

[Phedre]

hahaha! Oh Turista, you crack me up.