emmy Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 I have been involved with an older man in a committed relationship for over 2 years (1 year intensive). I am 33, he is 50 and his gf is about 44-45 I think. Our affair, which was EA & physical, was recently ended by him, because i was putting him under pressure to give me more etc. He basically tried to end it every time I asked for more, but was quite happy to 'slip' into giving me more when I didn't pressure him. Was odd. Affair was actually going quite well - as we were becoming quite close emotionally - but obviously there was a lot of affair 'fog'in play - I know that most affairs are built on self-delusion and fantasy - mine included. He also told me by email the day after we broke up that he was moving in with his gf, although he knew that he "was always afraid of too much intimacy" and "won't find true love like he once had" (with his wife 20 years ago) , he was "wants to give it a try".They have been together about 5-6 years. We met, 4 years into their relationship and got involved long-distance. Then she became ill in mid-2008 and we stopped (yes, I know that hardly redeems me but I didn't know about it). He claimed that prior to the illness they were on the verge of splitting, but that it had changed things & saved the relationship. She made subsequently made a full recovery. We resumed the affair more intensely in January. We have had a good time this year but I was getting sick of 2nd place, the usual stuff that gets to OW,and I know I am not really cut out for the mistress lark. He also claimed that he had no idea I was so in love with him, although I was proclaiming my 'love' for him from the moment we met. He is now 're-committing' to his relationship for all the wrong reasons (pressure from me!), I think - he works stupid hours, supports both adult sons from a former marraige and is basically hugely stressed - what should have been an 'escape' with me became another pressure - him getting rid of me was like unloading ballast, although I still can't understand why on earth he is moving in with a woman with whom he has had such flaky relationship with until now. He wants to stay friends, but says we need time and distance to foster it. I think he is just keeping his options open, and I know it would just become an affair again. He showed this resolve after our 'break' and we managed to meet twice before ending up in bed again. I think he has become attached to me in way, but clearly is not prepared to prioritise me and that's not ok anymore. I'd like to now cut all ties completely, but I work for him - our communication is mostly via email not in person, which makes it easier, but it's forcing me to deal with it every day, in a way. And the more I am forced to remember him (the job has become my main source of income - I can't quit right now - but will poss be able to in a few months or so), I find myself becoming angry about everything. I have already had to stop myself from telling everyone about it on one occasion. How do I stop myself from doing this? I know I would be doing this for the wrong reasons, as it is post-dump anger, and basically I just want him to deal with the consequences of his actions. But its not my job really. I don't want him - i don't want a man who treats me like this, but I feel he has just walked away from the whole thing and is now playing Mr Committed despite walking all over me and his unknowing gf in the proccess - we had unprotected sex throughout entire relationship (yes, I know I am a total idiot). I know that he will cheat again. He has a history of it. The gf said if he cheated it would be over. I actually wanted to tell the gf on various occasions -partly because I wanted it to all to be in the open and be dealt with honestly, even if it meant I was out of the picture- the deceit really ate away at me, although clearly not enough to stop me pursuing him, selfishly. Yes, I am angry, but I am sick of MM getting away with this nonsense. If someone had outed us early on, a lot of pain would have been avoided. Should she be told before she commits to living with him (and I don't rule out marraige?). Or is my motivation here all bad? Will he get his just desserts on his own? I have a feeling he will get caught with someone else a year or so down the line, and I know he will try to start something again with me under the aegis of 'friendship' in a few months- we had sex on the eve that we split - and he has admitted the only reason we can't be 'friends' now is because he is very 'weak' with me. But there is according to him 'nothing lacking' in his relationship and he 'loves her very much'. Anyway this is really a rather common question - but if you were his gf (no financial ties, no kids together, (they both have adult children by other partners), would you want to know before committing to moving in with him? Yes, I know this is very standard dumped OW response, but really, do you think I am making a massive mistake (losing work aside) if I tell her? Will he learn something from it? Or will he screw it up on his own? I have thought about leaving it until he emails me on the aegis of friendship and then telling her, just to make a point. Or is this just sour grapes and should I just leave everything up to fate? Will his actions catch up with him? Sorry this is so long!!!
whichwayisup Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 I have been involved with an older man in a committed relationship for over 2 years (1 year intensive). I am 33, he is 50 and his gf is about 44-45 I think. Our affair, which was EA & physical, was recently ended by him, because i was putting him under pressure to give me more etc. He basically tried to end it every time I asked for more, but was quite happy to 'slip' into giving me more when I didn't pressure him You know he's taken, yet somehow still hanging on..He isn't interested in leaving his partner, though he is willing to have you as the OW. Either accept your role as the OW or end it completely. To tell on him is ridiculous. He keeps ending it as you're putting pressure on him. He can only offer you what he can, nothing more.. If you want something more serious then walk away, heal and find a SINGLE man who can offer you everything, not just stolen moments.. You put yourself in this situation, take responsibility for it. Seems you're putting alot of blame on him. By choosing to be with him, accept his offers, all that does is keep the A going and it hurts you in the long run. DO NOT tell her. It is out of sour grapes.. You certainly have had no qualms in helping him cheat on her from the get-go, so all because now he's backed off, you want to tell her? To make a point, so he will learn something from this? Worry about yourself, not him. He's chosen to do this to his gf and it isn't up to you to teach him a lesson. As I said before, you certainly didn't have concerns for her wellbeing at the start of this, so to tell her IS sour grapes on your behalf. WOrk on letting go of him..Focus on your own healing, grieving.. Stop allowing him to rope you back in. If you don't want to settle as the OW, be second fiddle, stop being the OW. Go NC as much as you can. Keep it professional and that's it. You also have a work reputation to protect. Good luck and just remember, if you DO tell, chances are, he's going hate you. If you think it'll make them break up and he'll come running to you, that won't happen.
Meaplus3 Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 No. It's not your place to tell. Your best bet is to end this affair now and move on. And the sooner the better to save yourself and possibly others from a ton of hurt. Best wishes. Mea:)
Author emmy Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 Good luck and just remember, if you DO tell, chances are, he's going hate you. If you think it'll make them break up and he'll come running to you, that won't happen. Yes, i agree. But I really don't care if he hates me. I really don't want him back or in my life. I just actually want him to deal with all this, properly. I feel that OW tend to always talk about it 'not being their job' , 'he'll hate you' because they all want these men back, secretly. But I don't. I just want to make him feel a taste of the stuff he dishes out on other people. He knew all along that I was in love with him. No I am not absolved of responsiblity, but neither is he. Affairs aren't contracts, unfortunately.
Author emmy Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 but yes, ultimately this is all wasted energy. If I was going to tell her, I'd have done it a long time ago. I need to move on.
whichwayisup Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Yes, i agree. But I really don't care if he hates me. I really don't want him back or in my life. I just actually want him to deal with all this, properly. I feel that OW tend to always talk about it 'not being their job' , 'he'll hate you' because they all want these men back, secretly. But I don't. I just want to make him feel a taste of the stuff he dishes out on other people. He knew all along that I was in love with him. No I am not absolved of responsiblity, but neither is he. Affairs aren't contracts, unfortunately. It isn't up to you to make sure he deals with this the way you want him to. Or properly. If you just end it and stay away from him, worry about YOU and not him, then you can start your healing process. And you knew all along he was with someone.. Again, you are putting alot of blame on him and not looking in the mirror, taking and owning your part in this. Affairs aren't pretty and people get hurt. By CHOICE. Only innocent person in all this is his gf. If you tell, you'll be the one dealing with tons of drama. You think it'll help you let go? It'll make YOUR LIFE WORSE. Just forget him and go into NC mode.
whichwayisup Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 but yes, ultimately this is all wasted energy. If I was going to tell her, I'd have done it a long time ago. I need to move on. Then just move on. Let go without having to make him suffer. IT isn't up to you to dictate his pain, and suffering.
jj33 Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Telling out of anger is the worst way to tell. Its vengeful which is how you feel right now but its not good in my view. Look at it this way, he suffers every day because he is stuck with himself being the misery inflicter that he is.
bentnotbroken Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 If someone had outed you, . Why didn't you out yourself? Why didn't you stop, you went in with your eyes wide open? I am of the camp to tell her no matter the motivation, she needs to know. But I know you want tell, this was just a vent.
fooled once Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 I thought this sounded familiar and realized you posted about the break up a couple weeks ago http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t203396/ My advice/thoughts? You only want to tell because he ended the affair. You weren't worried about her feelings when you were with him. Does she have a right to know? Absolutely! But I think your motivations here are strictly out of revenge. He used you - plain and simple. I know it hurts to read that or to even think it might be true. But MOST MM's enter affairs due to ego. They want their ego stroked. Many, especially those in long term affairs, will give you this whole speech on how much you mean to them; yet they just aren't ready to walk away from their families. And too many OW (myself included) buy this garbage. They LOVE having 2 women (and sometimes more) meeting all their various needs I don't believe they are honest with anyone but themselves and only care about themselves. They are selfish men. I know you want him to hurt. I understand that. But the best revenge is going on and having a good life. Don't let him know how much he has hurt you. You should never be 2nd. NO woman / person should be 2nd. No woman should have to share their man with anyone else, unfortunately, when you started this affair, he wasn't your man, he belonged to someone else. I wonder if he fed you the line of how he wasn't sleeping with his girlfriend? Again, I am amazed at the amount of women (myself included) who buy this. As a married woman, if my H wasn't having sex with me for months/years, I would KNOW he was screwing someone else. Then again, if he told you he isn't having sex with his g/f, he probably told you it was because she didn't want it, she doesn't like it, etc. Focus on finding a new job so you can get away from him. Focus on healing your heart. Focus on living well. But remember too, you need to grieve this relationship. I am sorry you are hurting.
whichwayisup Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 You should never be 2nd. NO woman / person should be 2nd. No woman should have to share their man with anyone else, unfortunately, when you started this affair, he wasn't your man, he belonged to someone else. I agree 100%. UNLESS all you're looking for is just to be the OW, nothing more, nothing less. There are some OW here who are perfectly OK with that, but most are not. Eventually your feelings, emotions, heart, whatever take over and you lose control. You want more even though realistically you 'know' what's what, your heart clouds your own judgement, hense bending the reality into fantasy/hope/wishful thinking. Focus on you, your healing and hopefully you'll decide to let go, move on.. Telling her out of spite to make you feel better, to make him suffer isn't the right way to go about this.
Author emmy Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 (edited) Thanks all for kind/helpful words. yes, I am hurting. I am having difficulty seeing it for what it really was and accepting that he could let me down so badly. He didn't spin me anything about not having sex - I knew he was having sex with her. Although he used to say, out of the blue "I don't need sex anymore-it's not the centre of my world"- he said this when I referred to him seeing her more than me.I wasn't actually talking about sex, more the 'seeing'/time part. I'll never figure out what he meant. I think their sex life was perfectly normal, actually. Our affair wasn't replacing a deficit, more a case of adding strings to his bow. I really do think this guy is a mess and will actually be faced with all this without me needing to tell anyone anything. Whats that quote about people making their "own heaven and hell on earth."? I think I am going through my 'hell' at the mo... Wish it was just over already! Edited October 4, 2009 by emmy messy
Author emmy Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 I agree 100%. UNLESS all you're looking for is just to be the OW, nothing more, nothing less. There are some OW here who are perfectly OK with that, but most are not. Eventually your feelings, emotions, heart, whatever take over and you lose control. You want more even though realistically you 'know' what's what, your heart clouds your own judgement, hense bending the reality into fantasy/hope/wishful thinking. Who are this minority of women who are happy as OW (not MOW)?I realised my self-esteem had really sunk as a result of being second best. I see my demands for more (ie being treated properly) as instinctive/a form of self-preservation - I tried to repress them, but it's going against human nature isn't it, settling for crumbs. My best friend said ' i never saw you as an 'other woman' type' - you're too self-confident". Who could live with being the OW for years and years, unless they are in a kind of 50 /50 scenario? And why does a man expect a woman to not make demands? It's so warped!
jj33 Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 OWoman and Lizzie60 have both been happy as OWs. I was happy for a period of time it suited me and we had alot of time together.
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