loveslife Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 I totally believe that it's important to learn to recognize abusive, manipulative and controlling behavior. However, at what point does focusing on how other people do wrong turn into giving someone else responsibility for your happiness? I'm realizing lately that I have given so many people so much inappropriate power over me. For me, it was an avoidance of looking within myself. And most importantly, I was the one being inappropriate. I could have written a litany of what was wrong with every single man, woman and child I've encountered. But said nothing about what I needed to change within myself. I'm noticing that disappointment and anger over relationships and other people doesn't happen when we're making ourselves responsible for our own happiness. Thoughts?
carhill Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 I found pointing the finger in the mirror to be the healthiest exercise. This resulted from our MC getting through the layers of anger and hurt to responsibility and acceptance. IMO, not only should you point that finger, but accept that it's healthy to do so.
Author loveslife Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 I found pointing the finger in the mirror to be the healthiest exercise. This resulted from our MC getting through the layers of anger and hurt to responsibility and acceptance. IMO, not only should you point that finger, but accept that it's healthy to do so. I think it's the only route to happiness. And really the best way to find someone you're meant to be with.
boogieboy Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 I figured that out long ago. I always look at my actions first and how they affected anything that happened in my life. Especially when it comes to relationships. I also dont sweat anything I cant control, which is most things.
Author loveslife Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 That's smart boogieboy. Some of us learn a little later than others. I think it's to do with boundaries.
boogieboy Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 One woman taught me about my actions. She was crazy about me. She didnt have to say anything, but anytime I let her down, I saw the love drain from her face. I remember every incident whereI broke her heart. After she broke it off with me, I realized exactly what I did and realized I messed it all up. Couldnt blame her at all. It still burns me. Havent found one to be as crazy for me as she was, I can only hope it happens soon. Kinda Narcissistic, but its the only way to learn not to do it again.
Author loveslife Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 One woman taught me about my actions. She was crazy about me. She didnt have to say anything, but anytime I let her down, I saw the love drain from her face. I remember every incident whereI broke her heart. After she broke it off with me, I realized exactly what I did and realized I messed it all up. Couldnt blame her at all. It still burns me. Havent found one to be as crazy for me as she was, I can only hope it happens soon. Kinda Narcissistic, but its the only way to learn not to do it again. Ya know, boogieboy, we've all done things we regret and it can be terrible to live with regrets. But it's one of the ways we learn. I'm sorry you had to learn a hard lesson but I'm glad you're committed to actually learning the lesson. Not everyone is.
deux ex machina Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 I totally believe that it's important to learn to recognize abusive, manipulative and controlling behavior. However, at what point does focusing on how other people do wrong turn into giving someone else responsibility for your happiness? I'm realizing lately that I have given so many people so much inappropriate power over me. For me, it was an avoidance of looking within myself. And most importantly, I was the one being inappropriate. I could have written a litany of what was wrong with every single man, woman and child I've encountered. But said nothing about what I needed to change within myself. I'm noticing that disappointment and anger over relationships and other people doesn't happen when we're making ourselves responsible for our own happiness. Thoughts? Your entire post is made of awesome. Very true, and very empowering. Sometimes people are masters of manipulation, ect. I personally don't think anyone should fault a person for ending up caring for someone who has fooled them (some of them are really good at it!). But once we recognize it...what are we to do? Change them? Really? We cannot control anyone else, we can only control our actions - this includes knowing when we're being not-so-great ourselves. If I'm being a sh*t or lying to myself, well - it's within me to change that. It is so much of a...calmer way to be, if that makes sense. It's a path to freedom, definite. This is a great thread, loveslife
Art_Critic Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Thoughts? Welcome to healthy introspection Hang out there and stay a while is about the only thing I can say.. When we realize that we must look inward at ourselves to be happy that is when the change really happens..
Author loveslife Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 Welcome to healthy introspection Hang out there and stay a while is about the only thing I can say.. When we realize that we must look inward at ourselves to be happy that is when the change really happens.. Thanks Art Critic. It's kind of nice when you put it that way..make yourself comfortable and stay awhile. I have been through so much and I feel that I have finally found the key to unlock the doors. BTW, do you know The Kinks song, "art lover"? I always think of that song when I see your member name. They're my favorite band.
Author loveslife Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 Your entire post is made of awesome. Very true, and very empowering. Sometimes people are masters of manipulation, ect. I personally don't think anyone should fault a person for ending up caring for someone who has fooled them (some of them are really good at it!). But once we recognize it...what are we to do? Change them? Really? We cannot control anyone else, we can only control our actions - this includes knowing when we're being not-so-great ourselves. If I'm being a sh*t or lying to myself, well - it's within me to change that. It is so much of a...calmer way to be, if that makes sense. It's a path to freedom, definite. This is a great thread, loveslife deux ex machina, you are made of awesomeness! Yes, it is empowering. How much time do we spend trying to figure out other people? E-gads, we don't need to know how to spot players or whatever. All we need to know is how to value ourselves. Then we move in the direction of our DREAMS. And then whatever someone else does matters little. Either they're a part of what we know we want or not. And the "not"s don't matter because they're not what we want so what use do we have for them? And yes, lets not forget that sometimes - gasp! - we play a part in the demise of relationships. E-gads. And the worse lies are the ones we tell ourselves! I grew up around tons of abuse. It taught me to focus on other people. In part, I am discovering, because their behavior made no sense and I was living in a maze of confusion. Somehow I think I thought if I could make sense of the messages I could find safety. We think if we can figure out others then we can be happy. That's just not the way I wanna go right now. It's never worked for me. Fixing broken people and the broken relationships that result with them does not work. Yes, I want a good and healthy relationship, but I now know that that has to be with myself first. Haha hope I'm making sense.
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