cornelia_luv Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 [FONT=Arial, Helvetica][sIZE=2]Dear All, I'm going through a really tough time. I'm with my HB for 3.5 years and married for 2. We have no kids in the marriage. HB moved out 2 months ago and decided to separate within a week. We only had one phone conversation after he moved home. I have no choice but to respect his decision and sign the DOS. We have not been contacting ever since. Till now, i'm still coming to terms with the fact that he is no longer here anymore. He explain to me that he have been tolerating my bad temper, my laziness and the way we physically fought each other when we argue (that's cause he verbally abuse me at times) He told me that he cannot stand the fact that i have been lying to him consistently. What happen was he found out that i have been going to pubs with my friends (he was out drinking with his friends as well) and also the fact that a guy friend actually express interest in getting to know me better (but i rejected the guy of coz) I did a lot of reflecting and think about what went wrong with me and the marriage itself. I went to counseling to understand the situation more and am trying my best to control my temper. I am thankful that my parents are there to give me emotional support throughout this period of time and because of that i have been much closer to them that i ever have been before. I seriously have no idea what he's thinking and i didn't make the effort to contact him cause i know i will only sound pushy and needy. He still have a whole bunch of items at my place. (only took those he needs back home) I feel as though it's hanging there and i don't know if i should put so much hope that we'd ever reconcile.[/sIZE][/FONT]
hopesndreams Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Box up his bunch of items and store them someplace where you don't see them. If he wants them back, he can contact you, not the other way around. You are doing the right thing by not being in contact, it shows you have control and respect yourself. To initiate contact with him will push him further away from you, and you realize this. He is living life without you and there is a chance he will miss you and get in contact. If not, you are moving in the right direction to accept an outcome that isn't favourable to you. No matter what one does, if the other does not want to be around you, there is nothing to do or say to make them change their minds, so it is best to go NC. So, this guy friend, is he in the picture now that H is no longer around? And what about H, is he hooking up with anyone that you know of?
LakesideDream Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 It sounds like you two are working it out just fine. Both of you have problems with each other, and are using the seperation to decide what to do. Thank your lucky stars all this happened before children were born.
Author cornelia_luv Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 Hi hopesndreams, Yes i will try to box up his items soon. There are so many things, he only took those that he needs/normally wear. Nope, i have not been in contact with the guy friend, he has since "gone missing" ever since i told him we can be only friends. I have no idea in regard to my husband's life, if he has someone else now. Hi lakesidedream, Though loads of people have been telling to me to try to call him up or write him a letter, i don't want to do that. Coz i think he's a really stubborn guy. [FONT=Arial, Helvetica][sIZE=2]I'm still holding hopes in this marriage - i don't know if i should. My parents tell me constantly that my change will affect him coming back. Then again, i know i have to change for myself instead for him. Do you think i should wait for his return? Or you guys think that i am waiting for something that will never come back?[/sIZE][/FONT]
Auroracoladybug Posted October 5, 2009 Posted October 5, 2009 Cornelia it sounds to me like you two had a volital relationship and though you may want him to return and you have made the effort to make yourself better he may not come back (I don't think he will IMHO). Continue to make yourself better and give yourself time (I know I am not patient so I feel for you there), pack up his stuff, and then see where you are. Hopesndreams has it right pack up his stuff and while you are getting better you stay NC...if he comes back around... don't brag about what you have done but let him lead the conversation and give the short answers...things need to change on his side as much as yours but nobody knows if this is truly the person for you as much as you do...because of what I have been thru I understand that serenity prayer and empathize. good luck
Author cornelia_luv Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Hi Guys, Just an update, i'm slowly moving on with my life. But i still do think of him daily, just that it is not as often as before. Anyway, i still do find it painful to sleep alone at night and to wake up to an empty bed. I guess it do takes some time for me to adjust to a life without him. I know that i shouldn't contact him but some friends are urging me to send him a letter. But i seriously doubt that will be of any use. I do read from other threads that they still do contact their spouse after marital separation, i just don't know why is it so hard for mine though.
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