Broken

[Sarita12385]

This may be the strangest thing I've ever posted or had to write about. I don't even know where to begin. My head is spinning so much, I do apologize if this post is a bit choppy and hard to follow. My H and I have been married for over 2 yrs. We have a baby together as well. Backing up quite a bit now - there is another man with whom I've been best friends with since the 2nd grade, inseparable, and remained friends until we were about 20 yrs old. Due to some, we'll call them "unfortunate events", this other man was MIA for 4 years. Since we were probably 16 or so, I loved this man. He was like a brother to me. When we were about 18, my feelings for him grew significantly. I fell inlove with him, but never said a word to him. I was too scared about ruining the friendship. We each had relationships with other people, and would confide in each other about them, keep each other updated, etc. I was in 2 or 3 serious relationships before I met my husband. All of those relationships ended, obviously, and I thought about the OM thru each of them.

 

When I met my SO, that "missing" feeling still hadn't gone away once the OM had disappeared. My SO and I dated, became engaged, got married. I still had been thinking of the OM all along, but thought how silly I was being. Why waste time and emotions missing someone that I thought I would never see again. Ever.

 

The feeling of missing the OM seemed to die down a bit, but was always there hiding in the back somewhere and would sneak out every now and then. More often than I would've liked. After I became pregnant, I knew I needed to snap into gear and get my head on straight and stop thinking of the OM. I was having a child now.

 

The thoughts came back. I honestly considered therapy. I was driving myself crazy. Then the day came. I was sitting at work, and received an instant message from the OM. I was in shock. Needless to say, we started talking again, reviewing all of our memories together, going on and on. I was so happy. Fast forward. The feelings are out in the open now. We both spilled them all (via internet). He's living back in our hometown (not far away from where I now live).

 

Impecible timing I kept thinking this is all just a test for me. But why now do the feelings have to surface? We openly admitted to each other that if he would've stayed and not gone off, we would be married. I am worse off than ever now. The worst part of it all - I like it. I like how I feel. I get this "I'm home" feeling when I talk to him. We have not met up again yet, but have talked via internet and phone and want to meet up again.

 

I feel very selfish. I am selfish. I have a house, a baby, and am married...and what do I decide to do? Jeopardize it all. Is it worth it? I don't know. I honestly don't. Again, the worst part is that I like this. I feel...evil.

 

I'm not looking for criticism, but if you must...that's fine. I already know how horrible I sound. What a ride.

 

Input anyone?

[jj33]

So far this is an EA right? Not a PA?

 

What do you want? Is the OM single?

 

If he is single and you love him and not your H, then maybe you owe it to yourself and your H and your respective futures to say no this marriage is not right.

 

Life is short and it is long. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with romantic feelings for someone whom you could have been with but arent? Do you want to feel like you are doing your marriage a disservice?

 

Im not saying "throw away" your marriage, but look and look deep. If you married the wrong guy, then you may be one of the few with the opportunity to fix the situation.

 

if this is a passing thing and you truly love your H then maybe IC would not be a bad idea so you can resolve the issues in your mind. That might not be a bad idea in any event.

 

Its a tough decision I am sure.

[Sarita12385]

The OM feels so torn about this. He lost a child who was 6 months old w/his previous woman. He understands what a child does to your life.

 

And yes, as of now it's an EF, not PA.

 

I feel like I could burst. Maybe we do need to meet up, just to get it all out in the open. *sigh*

 

I have had a knot in my stomach for days now.

[rlt09]

I think this post begs the question: How many people who marry someone about whom they are not passionate go on to enjoy long, happy, successful, affair-free marriages? My MM was crazy about me when we were teenagers. Eventually, we were separated by college and broke up as a result. He tells me that he continued to look for that passion in his subsequent relationships, but never found it. Eventually, he found someone who, though he initially was not attracted to, "grew" on him and they were married. Since they have been married for 25 years, I'm sure there must have been many happy times. But, ultimately, he did have an EA with me. So, is there really any substitute for passion in a marriage or does passion have to be an element for true happiness?

[Sarita12385]

I just may frame that last part of your post rlt09.

[whichwayisup]

Let me ask.. Would you leave your husband, reguardless of the OM? Even if he was in the picture or not? Had any thoughts of separating/divorce BEFORE the OM entered your life again?

 

Passion is great, but eventually it fizzles and evens out.

 

Don't cheat on your husband, he doesn't deserve that from you.. If anything, tell him the truth NOW - That you've reconnected with an old flame and it's confused you. To go behind his back, try thing out with the OM isn't right (affair) not only is it going to kill your husband's heart, it'll also mess you up, your family unit as one, as well as the OM.

 

Have you tried to make things more exciting and passionate with your husband? Instead of hanging onto past feelings for someone else, why not focus that energy into your marriage. Go out on dates..fool around with your husband in the car.. Have fun together and experiment with one another.. Or, are you too far gone to try to salvage things at home and you're considering an A with the OM?

[rlt09]

The thing about your situation, Sarita, is that you have a child. And everything else in your life has to take a back seat to the well being of that child. I'm not saying that you should remain in an unhappy marriage, but you do need to weigh the effect on your child of anything you do.

 

I am a little concerned about the "unfortunate events" you mentioned.

So think ahead. If you were to fall in love with this man and he with you, what would the future look like for you and your child? Is he reliable, a good provider? Would he be a postive, loving father figure for your child? If the answer to any of these questions is not a resounding YES, then you do not have a basis for even considering allowing him into your life.

 

If he does have all of those qualities, the next thing you have to ask yourself is why the relationship never went anywhere in the first place and why he is looking you up now. Was it because he did not share the romantic feelings you felt for him? Because guys will usually let you know if they feel that way. Has he matured in ways that now truly allow him to appreciate what you have to offer as a potential partner or is he suffering in some way and needs his old friend to lean on?

 

Just be careful.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe we do need to meet up, just to get it all out in the open. *sigh*

Do not meet him face to face..That would be HUGE mistake.

 

Please take some time to read other threads in this section..And also in the infidelity section to see the other side of this IF you choose (and it is a choice) to betray, devastate your husband, turn his life and your child's life upside down.

 

Do you really want to throw away all that you have now? All for passion and the unknown?

 

This guy lost a child and is vunerable. And, are you sure the woman is not in his life now? Have you thought that it is possible she's there and they're both going through alot, and he's just thinking of his own needs by contacting you?

[2sunny]

tell your H the absolute truth about your childhood friend. he deserves to know. when he knows the truth he can either work with you through these feelings or you can both acknowledge that it would be an option to resume corresponding with OM.

 

it is only fair and right that your H know exactly how you are feeling about this situation and that he be given the opportunity to participate in the decision to continue with the M or to let you explore your feelings with OM.

 

tell your H... that's the decent thing to do - you would want at least that from him if the roles were reversed.

[lkjh]

I know you don't want to hear or believe this, but the OM is not in love with you. He is feeding his ego and he will start a affair with you if you give him the chance. If you two really were suppose to be together it would have happen when you were younger. If you start an affair with him, he will lead you on and then throw you out. I am a guy and I am just being honest. When we get in touch with our "childhood friends" of the opposite sex we are just fishing.

 

You need to focus on your H and child. You are a mother, wife, and you have a family. Cut this guy out of your life. Tell him to never contact you again. It sounds rude but trust me, what you are doing to your H and child is far worst. Think logically not with your emotions. In reality you know that you two will never get married and live happily ever after. At best you will cheat, ride some crazy roller coaster for several years and then one day wake up feeling very ashamed at all of the cheating and lies. You will end up depressed and it will never leave your mind. When you child gets married you will feel like a fraud, when you are at family gatherings you will feel disgusting, and so on. You get the point. Nip it in the butt now and get rid of this guy once and for all. Otherwise you will destroy a lot of lives.

 

 

The last thing you need to do is come clean to your H. You don't need to tell him that you love the OM more than him, but you should tell him that you have feelings for this guy and you have for along time. This way you two can work on it. He will be hurt at first but if you let this go farther he will be hurt a lot more and so will your baby.

[lkjh]

Do not meet with him. One little stupid action can stay with you and your family for life

[sadintexas]

I have relevant experience here so I'm going to share my story. I fell in love with someone 16 years ago. Due to certain circumstances, he had to move to another state and I didn't go with him. We always were "in love". Our relationship was the one that would have lasted and been great. We remained friends for all of these years but I only saw him once during that time. We had both married other people and I met with him and his wife when visiting his state after I had divorced. I was vulnerable at that time and my feelings for him were stronger than ever.

 

Three more years go by during which he ended his marriage and we decided to finally let this love happen. Everything was perfect in our minds. This was where we were supposed to be. He came down here to live and it lasted two weeks. That's right...two weeks. I had changed so much during that time that the things that I admired about him 16 years prior were no longer admirable. He wasn't the one for me. During all that time we were stuck in the past...reliving the connection we'd when he was here before. The only growth that had occurred during that time between us was friendship and even that took a really hard hit when I had to be honest with him about how I felt.

 

I had held onto a dream. That's all it was. There was no real subtance. I consider myself fortunate for two reasons 1) I didn't have to choose between him and someone else. I would have screwed things up big time for a dream that wasn't viable. 2) I was finally able to see that he was not the great love of my life and was able to close the door to that and truly be free emotionally to move on with my life.

 

I'm not saying this is your case, but it could be. The way you felt about him was ideal at that point in your life and you've held onto that. You've compared other relationships to how you've felt about him, but perhaps not taking into account your own changes and growth.

 

Don't be hasty and don't meet with him until you've resolved your feelings about your marriage.

[inhindsight]

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[fooled once]

I agree with whichwayis up and lkjh.

 

When reading posts from so many who have all these pent up, suppressed feelings from someone from their past - they continually state how they have longed for this person for all these years, yet somehow have gone on with life, met new people married, had children - yet as soon as they hear from this past person, they are ready to start back up, as if they believe the feelings from the past will be the same.

 

They wont' be.

 

BOTH people have grown, changed, etc. You are not the same person as you were back then. Neither is he.

 

You are betting your marriage on a former love. Someone who you truly do NOT know today. Sure, you have email and phone calls; and I am sure, when you see each other, the physical attraction may still be there.

 

But - and this is a big BUT - do you really think you can 'pick up' where you left off? Is that fair to either of you?

 

I agree, if you two were 'meant to be' you would have NOT allowed time / distance to separate you.

 

I also have a hard time understanding why people get married to others when they say they had thoughts/feelings of the former love.

 

If you choose to explore this former love then the honorable thing you can do is confess to your H that this person is back in your life. Your H deserves that respect from you. You chose to marry him even though you say you had longings for this former love. When you married him, you told him that HE was the one you loved and wanted to spend your future with.

 

If that thought has changed, honor him and tell him NOW before meeting this former love. Set him free first. Let him decide if he wants to continue to be married to someone whose heart is with someone else. Let him decide -- not you. You get to decide what you want; but he gets to decide too.

 

I firmly believe that what you think you feel for this former person isn't something that is going to last. You are remembering good things, good feelings. IMHO, you aren't remembering the bad times (and if you are, they aren't nearly as forefront as the good times).

 

I think we all have former loves that we wonder about. But for ME, when I married my H it wasn't because he was what was available to me now; it wasn't with the thought of someone else in my heart.

 

The past is there for a reason - to remember who you were, to show you have far you have come/grown. But it is the PAST and it should stay there.

 

Please let your H know what is going on with you - what you are feeling, that you have been talking to him. Be honest with him.

 

Good luck and I hope you find some clarity and I hope you make the best decision for you and your H.