rlt09 Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 I've found myself in a complicated situation and am trying to figure out what I need to do to resolve my relationship issues. I've been in a LTR for 15 years with a man whom I care about but am no longer in love with. I think we stay together because neither one of us wants to be alone. Meantime, I've been involved in a mainly EA with a MM for the last few years, who was my first love. In the beginning, this R brought a lot of joy to my life and made my current relationship bearable for me. But, over the last year or so, it's been increasingly difficult for me as I have fallen pretty hard for the MM. Although I believe he is just as emotionally involved as I am, we have never discussed him leaving his marriage and I have no reason to believe he would ever do this. When I asked early on, before we became involved, he told me he was happy in his marriage. But given the longevity of this R and the very intimate emotional exchanges between us, I find that hard to believe. This man is definitely not a cake eater - I'm sure this EA is a departure from his behavior in his 25 year marriage. Anyway, I've found myself in a situation where I know 2 things: that I have to end my LTR as well as the EA with the MM. I have taken baby steps to end both, but I don't think it's a good idea to end both simultaneously. Several months ago, I told MM that we shouldn't see each other anymore, which hasn't been a big adjustment for either of us, since we live on opposite sides of the country and have only seen each other about a dozen times. We have tried NC a few times, but it was too painful for both of us so it didn't work. More recently, I also told him that we need to stop the emotional exchanges because it was too difficult for me. He has respected that and although it has been curtailed, we are still in contact fairly regularly. Not hearing certain words from him has made a big difference in my emotional state; the highs and lows are less dramatic. I'm thinking that, absent all the intimacy, the contact will eventually fizzle out. But it will leave the door open for me to contact him (should I need to) when I make the break on the LTR. It just feels like a safety net for me if I need an outlet when I go through that breakup, which I know will be extremely painful for me. Does this sound like a feasible, possibly less painful way, to end things between the MM and myself?
SouthernLady Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 I can relate to your situation. My current live in BF has been out of work full-time since June of 07'. He worked for about one month back on January of 09'. The constant strain of making mortgage payments along with all of the other bills is very stressful. My sister is supposed to move in with me either in Nov. or Dec...I pray that she does. Anyway, I told BF that if I had to go get a part time when I got finished with school (I work full-time and go to school full-time) that we would not be in a relationship. I have lost all faith that he will get a job at this point. So, in my mind the relationship with my BF is only hanging on by the thread that it will work if he gets a job. One of my friends told me she thought I should keep communication w/MM open as a support net when BF and I break up. To some extent I agree as the relationship with MM for a long time was a way to escape, but now that I know my feelings are strong and NC has never worked between us, I am not so sure that relying on MM in such a difficult time will be best. At some point, I have to be self reliant and be strong on my own or I will always want to keep relationship with MM going. Although, I can certainly see how keeping communication with your MM seems like the easiest way to go, I have a feeling it will be more difficult in the long-run. I wish you the best in your situation as I know how difficult your situation is.
whichwayisup Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 Basically it seems you're too emotionally attached to MM to let go completely and even if you end your LTR, the MM will still be around on and off. I say, end it with both completely. You need to be alone and grieve, so you can heal properly. You'll never allow yourself to open your heart to ANY other man as long as you're still in contact with MM. You have hope and with that goes against the reality of the situation..Sounds like he has no intention of leaving his wife. Rely on your family, your close friends to help you through this, not the MM. He's the last person to run to.
Author rlt09 Posted October 3, 2009 Author Posted October 3, 2009 I agree that ultimately, I need to make a break from both. But I'm afraid that, unless I handle it one at a time, that I'll do nothing. It's pretty scary for me. The question is which way to go first? Both will be painful, but as long as we keep the emotional content out of our contacts, I feel like I can take my time easing MM out. It's not like I'll be seeing him and adding fuel to the fire. He'll just kind of be out there with a hand extended if I need it. Not messy. Whereas with the LTR, there is a home to be sold, guilt over leaving to be dealt with, the loneliness.... It all feels like too much for me.
whichwayisup Posted October 3, 2009 Posted October 3, 2009 The thing is, if you rid of MM, then it could be possible all that you feel for your current partner will come rushing back. Maybe go talk to a counsellor, figure this out before you walk away.. But, if you feel you truly want out, then it's only fair to end it with your partner so he can find love with someone else. The problem about easing off MM is, you won't. You'll find excuses and reasons to keep him in your life.. You'll justify it and use him to help you through your own rough time. Wouldn't it be better in the long run to do both NOW, go through all that pain all at once? Imagine going through TWO bouts of letting go of each, separately..
fooled once Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 The thing is, if you rid of MM, then it could be possible all that you feel for your current partner will come rushing back. Maybe go talk to a counsellor, figure this out before you walk away.. But, if you feel you truly want out, then it's only fair to end it with your partner so he can find love with someone else. The problem about easing off MM is, you won't. You'll find excuses and reasons to keep him in your life.. You'll justify it and use him to help you through your own rough time. Wouldn't it be better in the long run to do both NOW, go through all that pain all at once? Imagine going through TWO bouts of letting go of each, separately.. I totally agree with the above.
Author rlt09 Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 There isn't any chance of feelings rushing back. I was unhappy long before the MM came along; I think he made it easier for me to stay. Having a relationship with him also showed me how capable I still am of loving someone. I had started to doubt that. I know it must be a weakness or character flaw, but it would be so much easier for me to leave if I have someone else to lean on. And for whatever reason, I feel very strongly that it has to be a man for whom I have romantic feelings. How can I change that?
whichwayisup Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 I know it must be a weakness or character flaw, but it would be so much easier for me to leave if I have someone else to lean on. Do you see how unhealthy this is? To rely on MM to help you get through a break up with your current partner? Why can't you do this on your own without having to rely on a man, let alone one that you feel romantic towards? Ask yourself this - You don't have to put the answer down here, but it is something you need to think about. And you are right, it is a weakness, a flaw to have to rely on another man, let alone a MM during this process. How can you change that? RELY on your woman friends, your parents, your siblings.. Yourself. You don't NEED to have MM help you through this process.
Devil Inside Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Hi RLT...welcome to LS. Seems like you have quite a situation on your hands there. One that you seem a little conflicted about..I assume...if you have come here for some support and or guidance. I understand what you mean when you say that it is easier to go through a loss when you have somebody else to help you get through it. Makes sense. I think a lot of people feel like that. However...one thing to think about. Often when we go through something difficult...like ending a LTR we will be very vulnerable. People that we bond to in these times are very hard to let go of. So if your long term goal is to end things with the MM, this may make it harder...to have him support you through this. So think it over. Do not make any moves without a plan. Good luck..let us know how it goes.
Porter Royal Posted October 4, 2009 Posted October 4, 2009 Not hearing certain words from him has made a big difference in my emotional state; the highs and lows are less dramatic. Care to share the words?
Author rlt09 Posted October 4, 2009 Author Posted October 4, 2009 How much he loves me, misses me, thinks about me, wants to see me, etc...
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